Teenage Girls Are the Meanest on Earth!! Please Help!

I'm 25 yrs old and it wasnt too long ago I was experiencing this myself! You need to sit the girls down and have them hash out there issues and aknowledge all sides and yes involve there parents if they are getting out if hand. I say all the time i'm so blessed we didnt have Myspace and all that stuff when I was younger because all those sites do is make others feel horrible! Teach them that girls HAVE to stick together and should NEVER fight over a boy its cheap and not worth it. My bestfriend past away a year ago and her mother taught us that when we were about 13 yrs old and I still try to live by that rule!

Wow! What a tough issue. The only thing I can think of outside of what you are doing is maybe changing schools or homeschooling. I dont even know if thats a possiblity where you are, but it may be worth it. You dont want a 15 yo girl stressed ever, much less all the time.

Why is it still in this day and age, parents are so afraid to speak up for their children and go to talk to the parents of children bullying their child? Our daughter who is 9 has known since starting school to report any type of foul language or physical assault to her person. Case in point, at the age of 5 there was this 10 year old boy who decided to terrorize my child while standing for the bus or even on the bus. We spoke with his mom immediately letting her know that we would do whatever necessary to protect our child. We than spoke to the counselor at the school who let the child know that bullying my child was unacceptable. Finally, my husband made it a point to be at the bus stop every time my daughter was on it. The 10 year old got the message.

We have instilled in her that if someone verbally attacks her, physically attacks her or threatens her in any way shape or form, she is to report it. This day and age, young children are being killed by their classmates over foolishness. To this end if I have to camp out at the school or knock on doors of parents, I am going to do whatever to keep her safe. I would rather be overprotective than answering the phone concerning my injured child at the hands of another.

Talk to your daughter, have her talk to a counselor and finally involve the school and the parents. Technology is no excuse for terrorizing anyone.

It saddens me to hear when girls have to go through so much through their teenage years. I had a pretty tough time myself during those years, but it really did help me in the end. I became a stronger individual standing up to those girls, and I always had my Mom by my side to talk things through.
I was referred a book to read by Rosalind Wiseman; it's called "Queen Bees Wannabees". It is a new York Times Bestseller, and it covers material about helping your daughter survive cliques, gossip, boyfriends, and other realities of Adolescence.
It's basically a tool to help when talking to your daughter about these stressors. It's not a tool to be her best friend, but a tool for being a supportive parent without crossing any teenage boundaries!
Good Luck to you and your daughter!

Tired Mama,
Turn them off!!! I would get rid of the text messaging on her phone and if she is a member of myspace, get rid of that too. We lived without it. They are the cool things to have but they aren't worth the added, unnecessary stress. Make it easier on her. Don't suggest it because she won't like the idea. Just do it.
My niece is a teenager and her "friends" turned her world upside down.

READ THIS Book: QUEEN BEES and WANNABEES by Rosalind Wiseman
Subtitle says Helping Your Daughter Survive Cliques, Gossip, Boyfriends & Other Realities of Adolescence ... and watch the movie MEAN GIRLS, based on the book, released a few years ago and hopefully available at rental sources ... look for it. Ms. Wiseman champions teen girls and their world, giving the rest of us insight into the power plays and struggles that go on daily. She also offers "What You Can Do to Help" sections to give you words and ways to help without being tuned out. The book is a clear picture of the Teen Girl World, and describes the actions of the groups and individuals in the TGW to a T. The book even helped me understand, finally, as an adult, what went on when I was a teen girl and how I fit in with the others! Funny to find out that after 50 years things are still the same ... I'm saving my copy for my granddaughters, nearly 3 and 8 weeks old!

Good Luck and Blessings from Grandma GiGi

You may want to consider sending her to a Leadership Camp this summer where she can find some new friends who are motivated in life and are taught to treat people well, build their own self image and strive for their goals. At Eagle U Leadership camp the attendees are ages 14 - 25 and the purpose of it is to help teens/young adults get a head start on their career goals - for high school kids they focus on building self image (which would be powerful for your daughter) and helping them plan for college and make the most out of their future college experience and much more. (Eagle U is July 21-26 at TWU in Denton, TX)

Seems to me like your daughter's self image might be being torn down by these other kids and you should help her build it back up again. I also recommend the book "Freedom Flight - The Origins of Mental Power" by Lanny Bassham - it is a great book for changing self image and focusing on the positives in life despite your environment. He is one of the speakers at Eagle U and a great motivator to people who need a lift in life. His office is in Flower Mound, TX and he's an Olympic Champion.

Websites for these resources are found here:

http://www.eagleu.com

http://www.mentalmanagement.com

Another great camp - this one is Christian based - is JH Ranch (located in Northern California) - I went there last year with my husband for their couples program and it was amazing. They specialize in teens though and have an amazing program. These kids learn so much about how to handle adversity and lean on the lord. If you are a Christian and would be open to an experience of a lifetime that would be a great place to send her too. http://www.jhranch.com is their website.

I don't normally respond to these messages but felt like I needed to on yours.

I am in your shoes and know where you are coming from. I have a 13 year old son and 15 (almost 16) year old daughter.

First of all, DO NOT call the other girls' parents. I did this once (actually called the school) and the other kids did get "reprimanded" and after that all my daughter heard was "Don't say anything to her, she'll tell her mommy on us". So, she was even more excluded.

Virginia is the one that got it right.... get the book Queen Bees and Wannabees ... read it and study it. It will help you tremendously. It will help you understand what's going on at school and with the girls AND most importantly, help you to help your daughter. She's got to learn to fight her own battles. Just like you and I did.

And, one other mom suggested it -- PRAY! That works well, too.

I will say, I took QueenBees advice and pray a lot and my daughter actually loves going to school. And, she's learned what girls are drama and which ones cause drama AND how to deal with them all.

Good luck and I'd love an update and if you need to vent, please email me directly.

M.

Unfortunately, girls (and women) can be very caddy. Sometimes we aim to take out our own kind and I've never understood it! Dr. Sylvia Gearing (www.gearingup.com) is a great counselor and resource to help you daughter deal with these things. She will give her the tools to cope as well as rise above the "clicks". Call her and see what she can do for your daughter. Good luck!

I'm not sure about talking to the parents because sometimes that doesn't do any good. I would get her some counseling if that helps her deal with it. And it will.

Teenage girls are so cruel and mean these days. And sometimes their parents too. There was a news story about this very thing. Parents were "posing" as a teen on the internet and started posting mean things about this girl and it ended in tragedy.

Do all you can to help her. I was a depressed teenager and would have been much better off if I had some help then.

Help her by empowering her to deal with this trauma. Only you and she can determine if she might need the assistance of a counselor, either at school or a professional. I would not step in and try to handle it for her by talking to the parents; that sends a message that you don't think she can handle it herself and so she will not be able to handle it. Talk with her about how she will always run into some people that are just not good people; or they are good people that are going through a bad time. Acknowledge that it is very hurtful and stressful. Talk about ways to relieve the stress and help her/do role play/help her find new friends/help her find ways to build up her self-esteem. Tell her that ALL of us, even those that seem to her to be so "blessed" or "popular" at school, ALL of us face these kinds of problems some time or another; it always seems really terrible to the one that is living through it, but eventually it will fade in her life as not being so great an event. High school magnifies everything, but in the big picture, these girls are just not all that the world has to offer. I feel for her and know from personal experience just how tough it can feel. And trying to protect your daughter and feeling helpless must be even worse. Hang in there. And if you think she needs professional help, get it for her - moms always know best.

I am so sorry -- it hurts so much to see a child the victim of cruelty. Unfortunately, many parents do not seem too concerned . . . as long as their children are not on the receiving end of the meaness.

You had mentioned small classes, so if your child attends a private school, this may not apply. However, if your child attends a public school (in preparation for next year), you could talk to the principal and counselor. Explain the situation with facts (any printed e-mails or kept texts, etc.), and ask if the counselor could present a lesson in one of the classes. The counselor should have a way of deglorifiying the mean behviors that are sometimes glamorized on popular T.V. shows. She should be able to make those behaviors seem unattractive, and help at least sway those girls whom are already questioning their alliance with the meaner girls.

This is a tough situation - yet, I think the school should be able to help. Be sure to have all your concerns documented -- that way the school knows you mean business. If you are truly concerned about your child's emotional stability, due to the cruelty, be sure that is documented as well.

Good luck - I know how painful it is to see your daughter hurt because of the cruelty of other children. I hope she is in an academic environment that will be of assistance. Unfortunately, I do not have any suggestions now that school is out.

You need to investigate the legal aspects of this. It's called HARASSMENT and many law enforcement agencies are no longer taking the 'girls are mean' stance, but bringing charges on these perpetrators. There have been several children (teens) across the country that have committed suicide because of crap like this and it should not be tolerated AT ALL. Start with this girl's mother, and let her know that either she excercise some guidance and control over her daughter or you will be speaking to the authorities about the continued slander and harassment. AND SAVE THOSE NASTY MESSAGES. That's what will win your case.

My daughter is now 25. Girls were the same as you describe when she was a teenager, too. My advice for you is to constantly reiterate to her to "take the high road" and be a lady. Remind her daily how special she is and how much she is loved. DO NOT get involved or fight her battles for her. It will only make the situation worse and her friend's will tease her that her mommy fights her battles. She is standing on tough ground right now and needs to feel powerful. Explain to her how much power she is giving away by allowing this to eat at her and by allowing the little mean girls to isolate her. If she takes her power back and stands her ground, she will feel so much more confident. I would advise her to remind her "friend" that she said she didn't care who the boy dated, and that she believed her. But now, she can see that her "friend" is not a woman of her word. If she could have known that her friend was not telling the truth, she would have made different choices. But, she took her at face value. She may need to remind her friend how much damage lying or telling half-truths does. Just some food for thought. Give your daughter some power back in this situation. Don't take it away by fighting the battle for her. Good luck!

Sorry to hear your daughter is going through this. I think we all do at some point. Can you change her number and her email address? Or at least spam block them? If it's MySpace can she report them to Tom? With all the MySpace abuse maybe he can kick them off? Also could your daughter join a new club or organization to make new friends? Even if it's outside of the school. That way it won't be such a big deal. I wouldn't talk to the other parents because at this age it can really backfire on your daughter. I would just try to help her focus her attention on something else. That way she won't have time to think about the mean girls! Hope that helps some!

I would talk to the parents, and I would talk to your ISP, and if necessary I would talk to THEIR ISP... and find out from your cell phone provider if there is anything THEY can do. Counseling might help - might not, doesn't seem like it could hurt.

You might also need to talk to a lawyer. I'm not sure what they would tell you, if anything - but it helps to be very prepared when asking other parents to curtail their little darling's behavior.

S.

I went through this with my daughter too.The group had a spoiled leader. She would be your best friend today then tomorrow snub you and be your a best friend to your other friend. She controled teachers and the sport coach. We moved away but my daughter did not handle that well either. She did not fit in and the South was brutal. She ran with a different race which put her even at more of a distance. She left home at 17 never came back. Today at 32 she has a great job even though she never finished High School. She lives in expensive Laguna Beach Ca and making her own way. One failed marriage no children and is just experiencing a lot of things. However we have never been close since before those teen years. She was one who did not trust me to talk. Never has. It hurt a lot. More then anything I wanted to talk and help her through those tough times. She went through an abusive relationship and sink or swim she swam. She says those times she had to go through to be strong but I can not see it. Many of us have hard times but do not have to go through what she did. I think the best you can do is encourage her to know she is special. She does not need those friends to survive and be an individual and true to herself. Love a greater joy in Jesus and give the problems to him. My granddaughter had a hard time with a friend. We prayed every day for this ugly spirited girl who was causing problems and low and behold when she did nasty stuff we were just as kind as could be and she decided to give up her nasty ways. So the Bible tells us to love our enemies and that is what we did. Take care G. W

First and foremost, I would pray. Pray for your daughter and pray for her friends. There is a wonderful book called The Power of a Praying Parent by Stormie Omartian. There's a specific chapter on friends and there are prayers to help you. I have found this book very helpful and God does answer prayers! I have a 10 year old that last week a friend was being mean and I asked her if she wanted me to talk to her and she said no, because the girl would be even meaner. We talked about some options of what to do and the possible outcome. My daughter decided on her own to confront the girl because she was tired of it. She just told her she was being rude and was just tired of it and the girl backed down. Granted it is 10 and 15 is far more experienced in being mean. The meanness usually stems from insecurity. I would definitely talk to your daughter and determine a resolution together. My 16 year old is dead set against me stepping in, so we talk about what actions could be taken to resolve issues. He is a boy, but we had the whole breaking up with the girlfriend thing earlier in the year and she was not being very nice at school or on myspace. I will keep you and your daughter in my prayers.

I feel for your daughter. I have a 13 yr old and this past year at school was full of drama. I can't believe how mean some of the girls are. What gets me, some of the parents are the same way. I know my daughter is not a perfect angel. I choose not to speak with other parents UNLESS something has breached the law. Then I will hit them hard. I am talking about a kid who put a pic of my daughter on her myspace with unkind words. I am not a suing person and I did not even mention that but it is amazing how fast that myspace came down with a phone call from a lawyer. Granted...this was not long after the girl committed suicide from remarks on myspace. My daughter heard about this from word of mouth because she chose not to have a myspace account.

There was a girl who is from a very religous family who did not get invited to a party my daughter was having because she was so MEAN. I was shocked to see the words worse than a sailor on the text messages (M..F..B..)she sent to my daughter.

Then there are the girls who hang out with daughter because they get something in return...movies, mall trips, vacations. Then they expect ME to be the taxi because their mom is too busy. GEES.

I have heard that if you get your daughter through age 15 that you are doing great. I am certainly trying. Kudos to you for doing you best to help her. It is not an easy job when you child has been hurt and you are helping her pick up the pieces. Many times I have wanted to go give a piece of my mind to some parents and just pinch a girl's head off but I can't do that.

I tell my daughter to hang in there and she will perservere. She is in activities OUT of school which enables her to have friends and activities outside of school as well. One thing I believe has really helped is that my daughter started martial arts when she was in 2nd grade. She is a black belt (2 yrs now) and she falls back to some of the codes of honor that she was taught in martial arts.

I apologize for the long windedness but i do believe there are a lot of us moms on here going through this sort of thing. It is not necessarily "bullying" it is just plain MEAN.

Best wishes to you.

This is a sticky wicket - but if I were in your shoes, I would send a message to those kids and parents - quickly. First - limit her internet access. If she is getting nothing but pummeled everytime she's online - then it's only making matters worse. Second - change her cell # - tell her to give it only to those she can count as real friends. Then define REAL friends for her, and tell her if she can count her REAL friends on one hand - she's doing better than most. Second - work on herlping her bulid an unshakable self esteem. Explain that jealousy can eat a person (especially a 15 yr old girl) alive...and that it's hard to be the objet of someone's jealousy - but this is a case of just that. Remind her that people envy what they want. This age is a mean age - getting her through it with her esteem in tact is the most important thing. Reminding her everyday that she is special, beautiful and above this back biting will help elevate her beyond this. If limiting internet access and changing cell # doesn't help - then yes, contact these kids and their parents. Let them know it will not be tolerated any longer - and if they wish to tangle, it will be a costly affair for them. These things fall under the guise of today's definition of harrasment - and you (and your daughter) have rights. Be specific, short and succinct - and leave no other impression than that you've had enough. Once these kids see that your family is a force to be reckoned with - and more trouble than harrassing your girl - they'll back down. Good luck....

It sounds to me like this would qualify as bullying and shouldn't be tolerated at school or anywhere else. I would definetly take measures to end this texting and posting ugly, untrue things about your daughter. I would go to the parents, school and anyone else as long as this won't further upset your daughter. I would, also, start doing everything I could to build your daughter's self esteem. I'm not saying she doesn't already have a good one, but mean people like this can get to the best of us. Maybe you could encourage her to get involved in something new that would take up more of her time and spend less time worrying about these so called friends. Good luck to you and your daughter!

Hello!

In my opinion, I feel you should speak with the parents so that this behavior can stop because you don't want this to get to out of control and lead to more problems. Secondly, When I was in school we just did not go out with our closest friends ex due to friendship loyalty. Even though her friend made that comment, deep down in side she really didn't mean it.

Tell this girl's parents that if your daughter receives one more harassing text or email or whatever that you will press charges. and do it if you say it. that will stop her.
Be tough and teach your daughter the same.

I would suggest that you talk to the school admin since cyber-bullying can be just as bad as regular bullying. Most schools have a no tolerance policy when it comes to bullying. These children are bullies whatever the cause and whatever the format. You wouldn't allow someone to hit your daughter, this is worse because it is emotional. There is a lady who is currently in court being charged with bullying someone over the internet, I believe. The young lady who was being bullied commited suicide (I believe she had other issues as well). If nothing comes of that, then I would definately go to parents. They may not be aware of what is going on. Bring some proof of the texting, etc. just in case they have an issue. If it gets bad, you might want to check with your local law inforcement to see if there are any statues concerning this kind of situation. Seeing someone might help her as well to deal with it as well. Good luck, I think girls are worse than boys when it comes to this.

You really need to talk to the other girls parents. You can only change your behavior and your child's behavior, but when it comes to others, there are times you need to ask for help. If things don't change radically in the short term, you should also talk to the girls teacher if they have a common home room, or the school counselor if they don't.

Good luck!!!!

If you were already talking to those parents on friendly terms on a regular basis, then you could call. But really I think it's best not to do so.

Just do like the others said and work on your daughter by giving her the tools to see this for what it is and not to be hurt by it. It's so sad. Good luck.

My prayers are with you. This is difficult. I have seen the same thing with my grandaughter. I was listening to Dr. Laura once and she suggested to a 13year old to have a party and envite all the girls. Kind of weird, but the call back said it worked like a charm.

I say you do talk to the parent's. In today's world some of the problem's just don't work there selves out and sometimes we have to take it to the next level to protect our kids... Just my opinion. Hope it help's

The one main thing is to let your daughter know that you are there for her, which we all can see that you already are, but she needs to know that in every way. I, too would hold off on talking to the parents, at the moment. Because, sorry to say, but where did these girls learn this cruel behaviour? Could have been from home. But now I can see why home schooling is becoming so popular. I would definitely get her off the net and texting for a while if not forever. Because if your daughter changes her email or number, believe me, those mean girls will eventually find it out and continue to harass your daughter. Remember the old saying that goes, ' Sticks and stones may break my bones but words can never hurt me'? Well unfortunately now a days, words do hurt, especially if coming from a 'friend'. I would definitely give the school a heads up of whats going on and to keep an eye out and ear open. I don't know why schools don't address this situation more often with having a once a year or twice a year assembly to gather the kids together and to teach them how to treat other people and to even invite other kids in or parents who's kids have had to go through this too, to let them know the dangers and consequences one pays for being cruel. I remember reading a story of a teenager in highschool who got into a fight with a guy at school and he literally beat him to death. Now he's doing life in prison and says he regrets every day having been so cruel in school and having done what he did. So now they let him talk at schools and tell his story and show the kids where our actions can lead us. Unfortunately my daughter went through the same thing at 13 and it wasn't until we moved that things got better and in fact the 'mean' girls from where we used to live are now myspace friends of my daughter. Go figure. They have even apologized to my daughter and admitted how horrible their behaviour was. My son, who is 11 is now the one being bullied in school. My husband has gone up to the school to talk to the principal about it because for awhile my son didn't want to go to school and would fake that he was sick just to get out of going. After the talk things have calmed down. But I told my son to just stay away from the mean guys and if things get out of hand to talk with a teacher and he does. So luckily things have been under control for awhile. But I still fear it will eventually esculate, but I pray that it doesn't. So, Tired Mama, I feel your pain, and just know that I will keep you and your daughter in my prayers. Good luck and God Bless you both!!

Cardinal rule #1 of friendship, esp. for teenage girls (who by the are by nature VERY mean...see the movie Mean Girls if you need proof) is never date a friend's beau either current or ex.

She's gonna just have to learn to deal, ignore it or figure out how to get even. Best soluion is generally ignore it, even when they get pushy. Eventually your daughter's REAL friens will see this other girl for what she is, a brat.

DO NOT talk to the other girls' parents. That will only make it worse for your kid and brand her for a snitch. Be supportive to your daughter, listen, encourage her to make good choices and pick her friends wisely. And again, don't interfere. Your daughter and this girl may be friends again one day and you smearing her will be remember by your daughter, who will hide the relationship (and any trouble or things going on with it) from you. I'm proof your enemy can become your best friend in high school. A girl I was firends with in elementary going into junior hi and I got into a fight in 7th grade. By junior year we were best buds again. Just goes to show ya never know what's gonna go in the of teenage drama and angst.

My daughter is just 6 months old so were not here yet with her but I do recall my mom called 13-17 the years of the "pod people" (Bodysnatchers movie reference), where one night I went to sleep and woke up a different person. We had a click of 4 in middle school - we took turns hating and mistreating 1 person at a time, I had my fair share of being "out".

Teenage cruelty is a reflection of insecurity - about self, future, pressures. Also of issues unseen - abuse, neglect - in or out of the home. Explain this to your daughter, it's a painful phase of growing up, but it is only a phase. Let her know you've "been there", albeit minus the technology avenue, and show her she's not alone - I'd be amazed if you can find one woman today that didn't go through some form of it. How she deals with this today will determine how she reacts/responds in her future to conflict.

"Do unto others as you would have done to you" and "This, too, shall pass" are the simplest yet most accurate phrases to give her. The various suggestions here - literature both to give you tools to help her and books written at her level, counseling or camps and other activities outside of school - will help, you know how she best processes information so you will choose the right path.

The school would be another approach - there are anti-bullying programs out there they can have delivered at an assembly. Maybe if you research some and present it to the school they would be more apt to move forward with it. Knowing how quickly our youth turns violent and deadly, the administration should be very open to it.

As far as contacting the other parents - truly will make it worse for your daughter unless you already have a relationship with these adults. If you go that route (realtionship or not), I wouldn't point fingers as to "your kid did this to mine". Instead, ask them what they are doing to combat the self esteem issues and pressures facing their daughters - you may find them in the same place you are.

You both will be fine, I'm praying for you!

I know you've had a million responses but I just had to throw in my 2 cents! First, I would sit down with your daughter, husband and son. Talk about how much you love them and that they can always come to you with anything etc.. and that your job as a parent is to help protect them. Then, I would get the parents of these other girls together and bring up, in a non threatening way, the trouble that you're having with texting etc..and that it's causing alot of problems with the girls. In light of the young girl who killed herself after getting mean messages on myspace it's really important to get all of the parents on the same page. I believe there's also some resources out there about cyber bullying. You could also make them all watch "Mean Girls" :-} just to send the message home. I'll be praying for you and your family.

I don't know what your religious beliefs are, so I don't know if this is the right book for you are not. "Mean Girls" is written by Haley Morgan DiMarco. You can find it at Mardel, Lifeway, or Family Bookstore. It has nothing to do with the movie that was released a few years ago.

I lead a small group of teenage girls through it and it was a big help to them. It covers all types of situations. The author is a young woman who was a target of mean girls growing up.

That's a tough one. I have a 14 year old stepdaughter and a 15 year old daughter. The 14 year old had a similar problem with a very mean girl earlier this year. We did end up changing her cell number and discussing with her on what numbers she can give out and to who. There is only so much you can control. It is a hard lesson on how and who to chose as your friend. Counseling sounds more in line for the other girl, but if it is really affecting her ability to handle other things day to day then it certainly can't hurt. The best thing is to trust your instincts.

Call your daughters school. There should be a counselor on staff, since summer school is in session. I would have your daughter talk to the couselor about this situation. The couselor may know the other children and provide some insight. They will know how to handle this situation and advise on how to approach the other kids parents. Put a stop to this now! Being bullied should not be tolerated for ANY reason. It could escallate and you will regret it later. Have faith that this is the best thing to do. Good luck and God bless! :) M

Hello!
I can certainly relate to this! We have experienced this in our family.
Can you homeschool? Getting her out of an unhealthy situation that is stressful would be good. That is what I did.
I got my daughter away from unhealthy , immature teens.
If you are in DFW area, I would recommend Dominion Equippers . It is a drop off for homeschoolers. There are many others throughout the metroplex in Carrolton, SW Dallas, Dallas, Fort WOrth , Lewisville, etc.
Dominion is in Fort Worth.
Continue to love your daughter and put her in a healthy learning environment!
Blessings to you! Keep up the good work of loving your daughter and family!
Sincerely,
C. N.

I'm not sure that talking to the other girls parents will solve anything. Especially if the girls get in trouble - it will make it 100 times worse for your daughter.

Seeing as how it's happening over the internet and texting - these girls maybe all talk and no game. If it starts getting physical at school then you may want to take some action.

I would go to the School Principal and let them know of the situation so you have covered the basis if anything happens at school.

But I would stress to your daughter - you have to be your own person. You can't please everyone and that high school kids are "high school drama" for a reason. They are learning how to deal with situations from the people that raised them.

Just be open and honest with your daughter. Make sure she doesn't feel scared or too threatened to come to you and say, "Mom I can't handle this anymore".

When you've exhausted all the normal roads - that's when I would go to the other parents and have a conversation with them. Start it off with, "Is everything ok with your daughter? She's been very violent and harrassing to my daughter and I've never seen her like that before."

I've had to do this several times with my 14 year old. It got worse before it got better. Now she doesn't care what others think - she has a solid group of friends and she's looking forward to tackling the high school drama circuit!

I feel really badly for you both! You're absolutely right to be very, very concerned. Things are different now than they were just a few years back.....My daughters are now 19 and 22 but the young girl ages still haunt me today, "if only" does nobody any good but if I could have it to do over again I think I would have stepped in, somehow.
First, there is an unwritten rule/law with girls - if you're friends you cannot EVER "go out" with an old boyfriend - doing so will cause you to be ostracized from everyone, and even your BEST friends.....it's craziness, it's true, but these are not rational adults, they're young girls with nothing else on their minds. I tried the "talking to the parents", didn't work, the parents were almost as involved in the one upmanship as the girls. I waited too long to get my youngest into counseling and regret it. The only thing we can do is to build up our daughters to be strong, resilient women, but that is SO hard. My daughters used to say "MOM! You have to say that" (when I said, you're pretty, smart, nice, kind whatever adjective applied to them) at some point they no longer want affirmation from their parents, sad but true....only their friends opinions matter to them. Anyway, I would encourage you to find someone for her to talk to, a professional of some sort...perhaps a school counselor, or better yet, a church or spiritual advisor that she admires.....even an older relative/friend that she trusts. Best of Luck to you and God Bless you for asking for help - it's not easy, I know.

Dear tired Mama D, I can feel your pain and frustrations in your e-mail. You are right in saying that although when we were kids we dealt with issues like this but I think the teenagers these days are sooo much more aggresive and mean spirited. My daughter is only 10 right now so I have not experienced that personally yet but I can only advise you on what I would do. I'm not sure if talking with her parents would help unless you knew them and knew they would do something about it. Unfortunately, some parents are not involved in their kids lives much and just leave them to themselves. If you think they would listen and do something about it, do talk with them otherwise you would just have to advise your daughter on how to deal with it. I would tell my daughter to find new friends. I know it's very hard for teenagers to do but she don't want to continue to put herself in this stressful situation. Also, if the girl is this mean your daughter may want to consider telling this guy that she doesn't want to be in the middle of any mess and that they just need to go their separate ways. It's not worth it, she only 15 and she'll find plenty of other guys who are interested in her. And when/if she does break it off with this guy, I would still tell her to find other friends because this girl is obviously not a good friend. Show her that being the bigger person gets her a lot more respect than being mean along with the others. I'll be praying for your family.

I have no advice for you, we have not dealt with that situation with our daughter (although I did go through it myself in high school - I ended up changing high schools). But I just wanted to say our prayers and thoughts are with you both. What a caring mother you are to look for help for her!

God Bless!

I am a supporter of couseling whether it is with a professional or a mother daughter group where all can discuss issues. Read the mother daughter project. She may need soem fresh influences...church and new activity something to volunteer for etc... Teen years are hard and her knowing that you do care and that you are there for her is one less thing for her to stress about. Talk to her and ask her what she would like you to do. Talking to the other parents is out as far as a one on one fix it. Sometimes if you set the limits on how much tech she can use she may be upset but it also allows her to take a break that she really wants with teh excuse to blame it on the uncool mom. Good luck and pray for guidance.

Tried Mamma D,

Well this is something I haven't really came up on yet. My son just turned 14 so I have time, but there are some interesting things about your story that I wanted to comment on. I too went through the same thing, but never really found having friends an important factor in my life back then. I was to busy doing other things, sports and stuff. However one of the things that I wished that someone told me when I was that age is that I wasn't missing out on anything because I wasn't friends with SO and SO. A friend is someone that will be there for you no matter want and it seems that your daughers friend is falling into that teen peer pressure issue. YES I think you should talk to the other girls parents. ALL parents should know what their kids are Texting and doing on the internet and that includes being SYBOR BULLIES. Many teenagers don't know that their computers can be traced, so the put the dirty underhanded stuff on the internet thinking it can't be traced back to them, but it can. Talk to the other girls parents and set up a sanario that will scare both of them and get them to understand that saying thing on the internet are just as bad as saying it to other peoples face. Parenting is stronger when you all get together and fix the problems together instead of apart and unknowing. Best of luck.

I feel for you both! I had the same thing happen to me, but I was in 5th and 6th grade when it was the worst. There was a girl that everyone was scared of and for some reason or the other (probably jealousy) did not like me. She eventually won all the girls over to her and I had no girl friends. She wrote me mean letters telling me she was going to kill me and come to my house in the middle of the night and beat me up. I did save all the letters. My mom brought the girl and her mom over for a visit and got the principal involved and showed the mother and the principal the letters. The mother really didnt do anything to her (she had no control over her) but she was punished at school. It finally blew over and the other girls became my friends again. I just had to learn to be friends with the boys and ignore all the crap. No, its not easy and we didnt have all the technology we have today. If the girls are texting her mean things, make her phone where she cant receive text messaging. Are they emailing her mean things? Change her email. Girls are mean and vicious, unfortunatly. More than likely the girls are just jealous. This too shall pass.

I grew up in a very small class myself... nice girls, mean girls, the whole shebang.
My best advice is to get her through it alive. I know that sounds terrible, but its sadly true. If you think she needs counseling -- do it. You're gut instinct will carry her further than her or you alone.
Sounds like she could also use an outlet... outside school activities. Maybe you and her should start doing pottery together, or gardening, cooking classes... or ANYTHING really that gives her a calm cool place that she's confortable in talking to you openly... no daddys, no brothers, just you and her. And -- don't forget -- YOU have already been down this road...

Good Luck!

Call your cellphone server and have the text messaging blocked. I did this when my two were going through some stuff and have never had it turned back on! My bill was cheaper once it was stopped.
Put the computer in the family room or kitchen so you can watch when she's on it. Keep her off the "My Space" site as much as you can. It's all wasted time, anyway. You can't control other people, but you can protect your daughter.

I think our job as parents is to prepare our children for the real world so that they succeed as they leave home. If you agree with that, then I don't think fixing this problem for your daughter is the right answer. I would provide support and coaching for her so that she can handle the situation. I am 36 as well and problems such as these did happen when I was growing up. While texting and the internet were not available, we still created drama; girls were mean to other girls; boys broke up friendships, etc. While it is painful to watch your daughter be hurt, it will make her stronger when she gets through this.

Good luck!
A.

Check out local and state laws on harrasment. I'm not sure about here in Texas but some state have a law against harrasment on text and internet messages. I would tell my daughter which is also 15 to not even try to talk or have anything to do with her friend that is being ugly to her. there are more other girls she could be friends with that don't try to be in a click. she just has to find them. They will keep on being ugle to her the more it upsets her. If she shows them it's not bothering her they will stop. If they don't have a talk with her school counseler.

Thank you so much for bringing this up. It is a big issue for all girls and especially these days when there is such a lack of self control and good manners. They even have books out about it.
My daughter moved from a private school(they have girl issues there too)and had to start new in high school. The girls are the worst. In her athletic team they even cheated so she would not get to play. I over heard one scold the other for showing an act of kindness to my daughter. It really shattered her self esteem and made her think she had no talent or opportunity.
What I did - I made the coach aware of it and she was able to get a handle on some of it when it was in her control.

The second thing I did- I talked to one of the mom's and asked if she would ask her daughter to stop cheating-throwing the game-just so my daughter could not play.
She openly admitted that some of the parents knew their daughter's were behaving this way and had given a non-verbal permission. Wow! I was blown away. I could not imagine anyone encouraging someone to cause harm to a child! But what it did result in was her daughter stopped and things were so much better for the last two games giving my daughter an opportunity to finally play.

And - still - they never call my daughter, they never invite her over and they have made it very clear she will never be invited even if it is just to Taco bell for lunch - and that was before they knew her!

Thirdly - I did take my daughter to some counseling and that did help her deal with the issue and also helped me understand her better. She went from being hurt to being angry to being rebellious and now she has calmed quite a bit - lots of love and encouragement and teaching to look outside of her situation.

You have to be so careful now a days- with the beatings from girls given to their ousted friend (did you see that cheerleader article on the news?) My daughter knows not to go now with them even if she does get invited-she even said herself-it may not be safe.
I have encouraged my child to speak up for herself-if it feels wrong it is wrong. Stay away from it even if it is lonely and talk to her other friends - look for other friends-even if they are boys-nice boys please.
The others are probably feeling bad for her but do not want to be the one to be out and treated like that. Pretty scary at this age.

So yes - talk with the parents and let them know - maybe they can help even if they are thinking your daughter may be in the wrong-they would want to know their child is victimizing another. Always helps to communicate. I do not agree that it would make things worse because now the girls know-both parents are in communication with each other. (I did take the approach of not accusing but requesting help).

Hugs to your daughter and to you - this too shall pass. College is around the corner and she will make wonderful life long friends that care about her. She is lucky to have a mom that is paying attention! C.

Dear Tired Mama D,

Technology or no technology, I think the same rules still apply--the "turn the other cheek" rule and the "Golden Rule", that is. I suggest that your daughter tells EVERYONE that they can be HER friend, no matter WHAT someone else says. She can use technology to tell them! She can text everyone or post it on the internet. I suggest that she includes the one who started all the problems in her group of "friends". Sometimes turning the other cheek actually still works! Other times it doesn't, but at least your daughter will have tried, and she will be able to feel good about herself and how she handled the situation. Probably, most of the girls will appreciate her stand. They may not act that way initially, but I bet they come around.

Another great thing is that school is out for summer. Maybe this will all go away during the summer break.

Tell her "Equally Tired Grandma D" said "Go, Girl"!

Deb D

Hey there, my name is Sarah and i am a 16 year old mom.
I read your post and i had a flashback of my eight grade year. The same thing happend to me. It was all over a guy, my bestest friends turned their back on me, because one of their exes started liking me and talking to me. Girls nowadays seem to get so jealous and are just craving fights. They like to be the most popular or like to get noticed, I am not sure why.
This can be a very hard time for your daughter, i remember after the first day i came home crying to my mom, because they were so cruel... even threatning to beat me up.
If your daughter is not being threatend in this way, then i wouldnt talk to anyone about it. In that case i mean the parents. Believe me, they will not care. They would say it's part of growing up.
And i wouldnt talk to the counselor either because word can get around and your daughter might get into deaper trouble with there girls since she will be known as a 'tattle-tale' or that she cant stick up for herself.
It is just something she has to get through... I know it must be hard on you, i remember how hard it was on my mom seeing me that way and not knowing what to do.
I wish you two the best of luck, now she knows they werent true friends..

No internet and no phone would take care of that problem.
I would advise the other parents on how their girls are behaving by printing off a record and photographing some of the text messages.

Get your daughter busy with other things such as volunteering at a local nursing home, hospital or vetenarian. She does not need to see boys unless you want a grandchild early in your life.

Talk to her as much as possible about how she feels and become close by doing a lot of fun things together. I talked to my daughter alot when she was that age and we had our issues but she now says that it helped her grow up with values other than just being popular. Her daughter is about to be 13 and she is a joy to be around.

Don't dispair, she will grow up and she will be fine. Let her father spend time with her one on one, girls that age need their dad just as much as their mom.

I hope this helps a little.

B.

I know you've already gotten tons of advice, but I thought I'd put my two cents in. I was picked on pretty harshly in high school and though I didn't have to worry about anything popping up about me on the internet, I was actually framed for cheating on a test by the "mean girls" and put in ISS because they did that. When my parents tried to step in it made things much worse. The problem is the other girls parents aren't teaching them how to act or it wouldn't have gone that far in the first place. What really helped me in high school was making friends outside of school that I could feel connected to when things were going badly there. I went to a summer camp every year with other Christian kids from the surrounding areas, and made a lot of friends I could see during the summers and at local youth rallies during the school year. It made things better for me had helped to have other friends to vent to besides my mom when things got rough at school. It might help your daughter also.
KB

I understand your dilema. Teenage girls are some of the most vicious creatures at times. They are trying to find their identity among their peers and it seems that the meanest is usually the winner. This will pass but the time spent in the jungle of teens is hard and with parents giving their teens phones and computers it has opened up a new avenue to be hostile. I wonder how in the world I survived with out a computer and a cell phone as a teen. I see them now as useful tools but in the hands of those who don't understand responsibility well it can be a powerful weapon to feed their insecurity. The girls have not reached the age yet where they think about others. My advice to you is to be there for your daughter. Encourage her to be herself and think about how it has made her feel to be the brunt of their hostile attacks. These situations seldom last long but they can hurt like hell when you are on the receiving end. If they can see that they are getting to her it will continue. Help her to rise above the crowd and be a real friend. Tell her how that true friends are friends even when something happens and its not fun anymore. We all need a good friend and learning how to be one can be a hard lesson in itself.
Most of all Mom be there for he but encourage her to try to work it out with them. She will be stronger and will grow as a person that you will be proud of. Help her not be petty and return evil for evil but teach her not to be a door mat either. Life is harder than anything these teens will throw her way.
Pray hard, character takes time and sometimes hard lessons.
Hope this helps.
J Graham