Second Miscarriage in the Family

I do not think you sound selfish at all. This is a very tough situation you are in, but there is no reason you shouldn't celebrate the birth of your second child. I would just give her space. I would let her know that you understand she might need to take some time away from you for a little while, but that you are always there for her if she needs to talk. I wouldn't let her make you feel bad for having a healthy child. Having had a miscarrage myself seeing a pregnant lady or someone with a new baby was very hard, but you can't be like that forever. Babies are a blessing and you have to learn to be happy for other couples and not resent them. If she can't come around eventually there is nothing you can do. It then becomes her problem. Good luck and congratulations on your new baby!

Hi K.,
This is a difficult situation for both of you. You are not selfish, just sympathetic to her misfortune, yet excited about your own precious baby. She is not selfish, just very hurt and you and your children intensify the pain (as so many reminders of motherhood do). That is just the reality of the situation. My best advice to you is that you support her with your love and availability. Grace her with time and don't expect anything. Cover her in prayers and thank God for your own blessings.
I have a small non-profit where I make pillows and they are given along with a book to moms who have lost a baby. I suffered my own loss at 11 weeks and was surprised at how devastated I was. But time does help as well as the support of family and friends. If you would like to send her a pillow, you could go to my website (www.heavenborn.com) and click on "Heaven Born Project" where you scroll down and can order one. It has brought comfort to many.
If she has any interest, you could invite her to make pillows at my home in St. Charles (3rd Tues. of every month) where a wonderful group of volunteers help to make the pillows. It's a very healing thing to do. Just let me know...
Take care and I will keep you both in my prayers.
M. Day
Heaven Born
Comforting Moms, Honoring Babies
www.heavenborn.com

I am so sorry for her losses. I can only think that you should not avoid family functions and give her and her husband time. Take the high road. Be respectful and nice to them when they are around. Maybe drop her an email to let her know that you are thinking about her. It's hard for someone to have one miscarriage, but having another one is extremely hard to cope with. I will keep them in my prayers. Hope this helps!

It is very sad. But I think you should celebrate your childs coming like you normally would. What if they can never have children will she never want to be around you? I would just email her and NOT let her know that the mother in law said anything. But something like We love you and our door is always open for you. If you need anything or want to talk - we're here.

God Bless you and your family,
L.

Wow, that's a hard situation. You should not feel guilty in anyway for rejoicing over your new arrival. It is truly a blessing. If she is indeed 'uncomfortable' around you and your hubby, she is being selfish, in my opinion. Now, I sympathize with her over her losses, it is truly devasting to miscarry (I have experienced this myself), and to have 2 like that so close together, is really disconcerting. However, to exclude you and your husband because of her loss is unfair to you. She is the aunt of your children, and aunts are important people in kids lives. She needs to seek medical advice on her condition, and read about others who have gone through this. She also needs to know that this doesn't mean she will never be able to conceive, at least no dr. has confirmed that. She could shower her love onto your children as a healing process. She is being selfish, and maybe after she has had sometime to think about it, she will realize the error of her ways. You need to celebrate your baby, not to rub it in her face or anything like that, but your kids can't disappear just because she's uncomfortable. Be gentle, and supportive, and don't feel guilty or hurt. Realize that she is really hurting and needs time. God bless your families.

I had a similar situation with my cousin and I being pregnant at the same time, and her having a miscarriage. We had a really good face-to-face talk at a family gathering, where I pulled her aside and let her know how sorry I was about her miscarriage. I tried to be really honest and told her that I wanted to do anything that I could to be supportive, but did not want to make her uncomfortable in any way (I was in my second trimester, and I showed quite a bit already at this point). The conversation really helped both of us to be more comfortable with the situation and gave us the freedom to be honest with each other. She was one of the first people at the hospital when I gave birth to my daughter, and along with getting my daughter a gift, gave me a gift certificate to a day spa, saying, "Mommy needs pampering too." My cousin found Share support groups very helpful to she and her husband as they grieved their loss, and their priest held a private memorial service (just for she and her husband) for the baby. You may want to suggest these two resources to your sister-in-law when you talk to her. I understand you leaning towards e-mail to communicate with her, but I think that talking face-to-face or phone-to-phone fosters better communication. Good luck!
T.

I don't think you should avoid your sis-in-law or not celebrate your children. Your idea of the email or sending them a handwritten letter, is a good one. Stating simply that you are sorry for their loss & that you are available anytime if they need you is all you need to do. There is no need to mention what you heard second hand; it'll come across as gossipy & potentially put your mother in law in an uncomfortable position. Once you have your second baby and if time hasn't healed her wounds, perhaps just the two of you, should get coffee and then you can address the issue in a polite and delicate way, so that this does not become a long term problem. At that time I'd be as honest as possible & allow her to do most of the talking.

It sounds to me like you are handling this very well & no, you do not at all sound self absorbed. I have a feeling that she will come around, but there may be a few tense moments once she's around your children. Your sister-in-law, herself, probably doesn't know how she's going to feel around you & your family & she might want to avoid you until she's more confident she can handle all the emotions. You should not have to tip toe around her or put her feeling above the happiness you have for your family. I would treat her exactly the same way, regardless of whether I had children or not.

You have every right to be excited about your pregnancy, that is of course normal. I feel badly for your sister-in-law and her husband, but maybe she's being just a bit immature? although that's not quite the right word I'm looking for. I think your idea of emailing her, letting her know you are giving her space and can understand if she doesn't want to be around you guys for awhile is a good idea; basically just leave the ball in her court. I would think and hope that she'll eventually come around... And things happen for a reason...

She should have some tests done to find out why her pregnacies aren't 'sticking'. Possibly progesterone shots or she may have a blood issue called 'natural killers' which a friend of mine had and she couldn't hold a pregnancy. they do bloodwork and she did have a baby. Have her check w/ some fertility experts, not just her ob.

Even though they had the misfortune of two miscarriages as many do and they can continue to try, I do not feel you should shadow your blessing. No matter what or how you try to sugar coat their lose the pain is still there if they see you or not. I would go around them and keep low on the boasting of things that may be more painful, She will see pregnant women no matter where she goes. This is something she needs to come to terms with on her own. God bless you all and give her strength to deal with this.

Sorry for the long response, unfortunately, there is nothing you can do to ease the pain your sister-in-law is feeling, and of course, she feels as though you are a constant reminder. I can tell you that I had a similar situation with my sister who tried for 7 years before she finally got pregnant, but not before I already had my first child. At the beginning of my pregnancy, I sat her down & explained to her that I would take my cues from her. I told her that I would let her be as involved in my pregnancy as she wanted to be. She took it ok, but, of course, thoughout my pregnancy, I was accused of showing off & holding it over her head that I was pregnant & she wasn't. Although, like you, I completely downplayed the pregnancy at family events. Eventually, I just learned to ignore her & accepted the fact that her anger toward me was just an expression of her pain & sadness. After my son was born, we asked her to be his godmother & as soon as she held him, she loved him instantly. Then, after about a year and a half, she was pregnant herself & is now expecting her third. At some point, after our son was born, she apologized to me for being so distant during the pregnancy & explained that she was just letting her own pain get in the way of being happy for me. So, I think you are right to send your sister-in-law an email, and don't let her unhappiness spoil your blessed event. The sad thing is, many people who are in that situation very much resent the pregnant people in their lives and want the pregnant people to feel guilty for being pregnant. You should not do this. Express your concern & support, then move on. This is such a happy time for you. I hope it all works out for the best.