Advice on Disclosing Pregnancy.

I would agree that letting her know privately beforehand would be the best way to approach it. Then she will have a chance to digest the news before everyone is talking about it.

Congratulations!

I'd talk to her privately. That's what we did with some friends who had really been struggling to get pregnant (and never did but have adopted 4 kids since). They were very appreciative and also very excited for us. I hope that works out just as well for you.

You are absolutely right on with everything you said. Talk with her first, she will appreciate it and respect you for it. Good luck and congrats.

Hi A.,
Having been in your sister in-laws place- I really appreciated it when my sister in-law spoke with me prior to the big announcement. Having the "heads up" really helped me manage my feelings. Hope that helps.

A., It is so nice that you are sensitive to your sister-in-law's grief. I think it would be nice to talk with her privately and give her a chance to talk about how she feels. Then perhaps you could ask her if there would be a way you could tell the family that would be less painful for her. She probably would tell you to tell the way you want to but she will feel like someone understands her grief. Many times people underestimate the pain of a miscarriage especially if you have other children. Congratulations and have a great holiday. A.

I would tell her ahead of time. Tell her just like you asked us. You are a great sister-in-law.

I would tell her first in person if you can even though it will be hard for her I think it will help her to know ahead of time. I think you should share your happy news with your family. It will be such a nice time to share the news.

I would tell your sister in law privately first. I lost 2 babies myself and my sister was PG at the same time I was. It seemed like everyone was PG when I had my misses. I am sure she would appreciate your thoughtfulness as well as be very excited for you. Congratulations!

I don't think you have to hold-off, but absolutely talk to your sis in law before-hand. Everyone handles that loss differently, but I know for me, I was irrationally emotional - angry and sad. A month after my loss, I had to attend a birthday party with three pregnant mommies in attendance and I couldn't even look them in the face, let alone acknowledge their good news with a congratulations. I left the party early and cried hysterically in the car. Your sister in law may be totally fine, but it would be only fair and thoughtful to share the news with her in private so she doesn't have to deal with emotions like that in front of a crowd.

I was sort of in your SIL's shoes 8 years ago. My brother and his wife were expecting their baby 6 weeks before we were due. We were all elated. We spent Christmas of '99 being excited about how our children would grow up together. We lost our baby on Jan. 1, 2000. It was really hard. Your sister in law may be standoffish at first, but deep down she'll be very happy for you. I know I was. Instead of being 6 weeks apart, our kids are 6 months apart and are the best of friends (one girl/one boy). It was awkward for my SIL as she started showing, but I reassured her that I was very happy for her-I was. Just take it slow and go to her first. Good Luck with it.

When I got pregnant with my first child, my sister had been trying unsuccesfully for years. With me, we decided to start trying and less than 3 weeks later I was taking a pregnancy test. She was the first person I thought of. My husband & I decided it was best to talk to her first before announcing it at a family get together. I called her a couple days ahead of time to give her the news. If she was upset, she never showed it. She was more than happy for me and I was elated. Fortunately, nine months after I gave birth, so did she.

I would definately speak to her in private before you make the announcement. This will prepare her and also it is acknowledging her loss and her feelings which are still very fresh. Congratulations to you and good luck.

That is a really tough situation. As a woman who has had a miscarriage, I would think it best to tell your in-laws (MIL and FIL) in private rather than the huge group. You can still get the big exciting response without involving your sister in law.

I think because your SIL had her loss very recently, this would devastate her. She would/will most likely be getting the awkward "How are you feeling?", "Do you know the sex of the baby?", and "when are you due?" question with the extended family. Good news travels fast, although news of a miscarriage does not.

I would also call your SIL and give her the news personally. If your husband wants to share your pregnancy at the family party, that is his/your choice. But I wouldn't make it a huge overly done production.

Have a very happy and healthy pregnancy! Congrats and good luck!

Coming from someone, like me, who is struggling with infertility. I would suggest that you wait. I understand your need to share this happy news with your family but I wouldn't do it considering what just happened with your SIL. You can always share the happy news with your family later, it doesn't have to be in person.

Talk to your sister-in-law in privacy & I am sure she will be happy for you, I have been thru similar situations with myself & relatives, & you would be very surprised at reactions from people, but let her hear it from you first so she has time before the public announcement & I am sure she will be very happy for you---it kind of brightens up your darker tine when you hear someones good news. It does for me at least.

I recommend you tell your sister in-law, first, and in private. i have been on both sides--- my daughter was stillborn and it is extremely difficult acting how you are supposed to act when someone shares their news, when it all just seems so unfair. I am also currently pregnant, myself, and I have a friend who has experienced two miscarriages and is still trying. I felt guilty when I got pregnant before her, because I knew she has struggled, so I made it a point to tell her first. She cried, hugged me and told me she was happy for me, but also THANKED me for considering her and her emotions, when sharing the news.

I would definitely prep her and be very understanding for her. I experienced being on your Sil's end and it was painfully when a friend told me she was PG while we were trying after a miscarriage. I would have felt much better had she told me that she felt my pain and didn't know how to share "her" good news with me. Her excitment made me feel that she didn't care about my sorrow.

I would absolutely tell her first. I think she will understand the position you're in and will appreciate your consideration of her feelings. Then when you announce it to your family, it can be a happy experience and the two of you will have had the conversation and you'll know how she feels. If you tell everyone without telling her first, it will be devastating to her feelings. Good luck - and congratulations! :)

How did I miss this???

I hope everything turned out okay. Congratulations again. We love you!
M.

I would talk to her privately first. My girlfriend had recently suffered her 2nd miscarriage when I found out I was accidentally pregnant with my first. I told her before I announced it to everyone and she was thrilled for us. She had a baby about a year later.

Dear A., I would call your sister in law and tell her on the side. I think that is a nice idea. Call he before the weekend and Congrats to you.

Hi A.! First of all congratulations! You have already received some great advice and I agree with many of the other moms.
So speaking from experience...I would tell your sister-in-law privately first and then maybe just consider telling you in-laws. Tell your in-laws that you wanted to share the exciting news with them but that you are not ready to share with the rest of the family because it is too early in the pregnancy (they should certainly understand that request and be happy that you at least shared with them).
If you do it this way then you get to revel in the exciting news with your immediate family without everyone else being involved and making it potentially very uncomfortable for your sister-in-law. She will surely be happy for you but that doesn't mean she can easily forget her own pain. I know this is an exciting time for you and your husband but please consider her feelings as well. It will help if you talk to her first and tell her that you would like to tell your in-laws first. When the time is right, the rest of the family will be filled in on the exciting news as well. This way, Christmas is not just about the baby but rather about the whole family.

I have two beautiful, healthy daughters and had a miscarriage just before Thanksgiving at 10 weeks. My sister-in-law is trying to get pregnant with her first child right now and so I have thought a lot about how I would feel if she were to announce that she were pregnant right now and I think I would be okay with it. I think it would have been hard to handle within the first week or two of the miscarriage but now I feel like it would be a reminder but I would be happy for them. I am excited for them to have children also so there are more cousins for my girls to play with. So, I guess it depends on how recent her miscarriage was. I had a friend of mine tell me she was pregnant just 4 days after my miscarriage and I had to choke back the tears (she didn't know I was pregnant) but I was still happy for her. So, I think it is okay to share your happy news. Congrats!

I'd let her know first. My SIL got pregnant after my miscarriages and I found out by walking by and overhearing when she was telling the other ladies. That was not good. I was happy for her, of course, but I was definitely thrown off and had to grab my husband and take a walk.

Congrats to you!

This situation happened between my sisterinlaw and myself. I spoke to her 1st aftr having told my hubby that I was pregnant. She was happy for us and sad for herself but she said life goes on and she was truely elated for us. You can tell everyone at the fmily doing, just don't make a bi deal in your sisterinlaws face. She may walk out of the room but she'll need space also.

Miscarriages are never easy and especially during the holidays it can be really tough. I can relate to your sister-in-law, and I think it would be very kind and thoughtful of you to tell her beforehand. She is dealing w/grief and it will be her automatic response to feel sorry for herself before being happy for you. Let her have the chance to have those feelings, so she can then show her support for you and your husband.

A.,

Whenever you do decide to tell people, I would recommend (for your sister-in-law's sake) that you not announce it to a big group when she is there. Maybe you can tell everyone (including her) individually? I would think she'd appreciate your sensitivity in not making a big (public) deal about your pregnancy while she is still dealing with her own grief and sense of loss.

Best of luck,
R.

Everyone is different, but when I was going through 2 1/2 years of fertility issues, I had all three sister-in-laws get pregnant, and one was an "oops" after 3 months of marriage! They were all hesitant to tell me & my husband (their brother) but I assured them every time that nothing should diminish their joy and I was completely happy for them, which was true!

Of course, privately I was feeling down and couldn't understand why it was so easy for others, especially the couple who didn't even mean to get pregnant. But that didn't take away from my happiness for my new nephews and ultimately I would have felt worse if they "walked around on eggshells" with me, I certainly didn't want to spoil their excitement.

Your sister-in-law knows you have sympathy for her and it sounds like you have a good relationship. I would guess she'll be very happy for you and wouldn't want you to not share your good news just for her sake.

Congratulations, by the way!

A., congratulations and best wishes concerning the baby. It would seem to me best that you talk with your sister-in-law privately and then mention to other family. I'd mention your concerns and desire not to upset her. Your own baby will be a constant reminder for her so you may as well deal with it now,it would seem.
S.

I was in a similar situation almost 3 years ago. I was the one that lost a baby and my best friend was pregnant. She was to afraid to tell me fearing that I would get up set as well. She ended up telling me first before she made the annoucement to the rest of her friends and family. She wanted to make sure I was ok first before telling people. I told her to go ahead and do it, I was fine with her telling everyone. I really didn't want to spoil it for her. So, hopefully your SIL with understand.

OK now this is a touch situation but I ahve had 7 miscarriages and when my sisters and sister in laws did not tell me they were pg it was even more of a fiasco. So The best thing to do and what helpd me the most is to have her be told first and I liked over the phone so you would not ahve seen my happy or sad or hurt reaction or if I wanted to cry I could withou you freaking out or stop talking. I also had my best friend take me for a walk alone and she started with how hard thigns have ben for me and she is sorry for my lossses and wihes she could take away all my pain and change everything and put that baby (babies) back in my arms and she tol dme but you know that my husband an d I have been trying and I am pregnant right now etc... and then her husband built me a bridge between our houses (she was my backyard neighbor) to keep the friendship open during this hard time for me. I cried and felt so love and that i was not dismissed and that they knew it was painful for me but they still had to go on with their live and not rub it in my face.
I am worred about you telling everyone at Christmas I do feellike that is rubbing it in unless she is not around and shows up later. You need to do something before hand for her that is special and does not dismiss her loss weather she has children or not already, Your first child is not any or less importnat as the next and even the thris. Wheater they came out first or last each child is amazing and important as the first.
You need to come out and ask her is it ok to tell everyone at christmas and if she says no then respect her pain and try a new way to be crative in telling everyone. Go early to Christmas before her and tell them.
Wrap her a present like go ont eh internet nad buy her a start in heaven for this baby and know that you have been trying and that it is early but you wanted her to know first etc etc and that her star/baby is importnat to you too and you are worried about her feelings and wnat to make it hurt as least as possible for her. What else can you dofor her that is special before you tell her?
Well hope this helps and makse sense, it is VERY painful for the one who has lossed I cant tell you or describe it to you I was just so sad and i wish I coudl tell you it meantnothing. I now have three children, one by adoption and our genetic twins however I hated pregnant women even if they were not my friends or in the store or a magazine and even when I was pregnant with my own I still hated them for what they were so naive about and didnt know about me and the terrible losses I had on this road where they may have just gotten to have sex and there you go instant happiness. It was five years of hell and even being pg was still scary. Just walk on eggshells with this one and be very consderate of feeling you may not know she has.
COngratulations and best wishes to you and your family! :)
J.

It is great that your husband is proud and wants to tell everyone. I would probably talk to her first, not post-pone it. I would even consider telling her a few days before the get together so she could deal with it in private not at a party. I am sure she would be happy for you. All of this advice hinges on how resent she lost the baby use your judgment. Congratulations!

I would talk with you SIL first. I know she would end up being very grateful that you talked with her first instead of just announcing it. That why everyone else won't look at her and try to wonder what their reaction should be. That happened to me right after I had a miscarriage, but the person did tell me just told the whole group. It was hard, but I didn't want to try away from their excitment either. This is a special time and what a wonderful way to share with the family. Just let her know how much you love her and don't want to upset her, I am sure she will be happy for you too.

Congratulations to you! I'm also planning on telling our family we're expecting in August, too! I too have had a miscarriage, then a healthy child. I personally think that is a considerate gesture on your part if you told her on the side. That way her feelings won't be so public to the family and if she does break down it'll be more private.

I would talk to your sister in law ahead of time, to judge her grief and where she's at right now. That way she knows what's coming and she can prepare herself instead of having to put on a happy face when she might be hurting. Congratulations!

Definitely tell her first privately. You do not want to surpise her with this news and have her try to deal with it all at once with others around. She will appreciate you telling her beforehand. I would also tell her soon regardless of when you tell the family, that way she has more time before Christmas and will have some time to deal with the news beforehand and not right at the holiday.

This is a very touchy subject. I'm no counselor or therapist, but I would suggest speaking with your sister-in-law first. Give her the news, as delicately as possible, and ask her if it would be ok with her to share it with the family at the gathering... that is assuming you have a good relationship with her and she'll be able to keep your secret until you reveal it.

If you speak to her first, she might see that as a sign of respect and she'll be ready for the news when you do tell the rest of the family, instead of being caught off guard. She'll have time to mull it over before the news is announced. If she feels too uncomfortable with you revealing it with the family all together, I would rethink it and maybe talk to them separately after the holiday get-together, or even send out some simple announcements.

I think that you should talk to her first, and then tell family. That way she will be kept in the loop, and feelings are hurt. I know that she is hurting right now, but to hear of someone else's happyness may lift her spirits.