Saving My Marriage

I'm sorry you're going through this! I've not heard of this type of living situation -- especially for such young, relatively recently married couple. I would HIGHLY suggest the Love and Respect DVD's http://www.loveandrespect.com/content/e_store.php -- I think they are exceedingly helpful for a healthy, vibrant marriage. The speaker is very engaging and it's the cheapest counseling you could get. I couldn't recommend it enough and I think it would address all the problems you two are experiencing. I wish you the best!

Dear G., My husband and I have had it very hard. What is bringing us thru is the Love of Jesus Christ. Without this Love, my husband and I would not make it. Believe me, it has been and continues to be a major struggle, but Jesus's love for us and our love for Him keeps us working at our marriage commitment. It is 29 years June 30, and by the Grace of Almighty God we are going to keep going. I'm praying for you to receive the Love you deserve. I.

I'm concerned that your husband wants a relationship of convenience without intimacy. That is highly unusual for men, so it's a red flag to me.

But now about the only thing within your control--YOU! I also used to be a big nag and critical, like I was looking for what my husband doing wrong (I'm still working on it, but much better) and it absolutely destroys intimacy. I strongly urge you to read the book, "The Surrendered Wife." http://www.surrenderedwife.com/ It's not about us surrendering to our husbands as much as it about us not trying to control them anymore. I recommend it to anyone who struggles with nagging tendencies because it helped me realize how wrong and destructive I was.

My husband responded to my changes and has told me thank you so many times for reading that book and changing. And he tries to please me so much more. So now I actually get what I want more than I ever did before, but it's out of love and adoration instead of fear and control. Everything in life is a choice, and it's no different here. I try to catch myself and ask, "Would I rather fight over this (or be right, or tell him what he did wrong) or have an emotionally and physically intimate marriage?" Sometimes I still make the wrong choice and harp on him. Although it's satisfying for the moment, it's counterproductive in the long run. Because my long-term goal is to have a happy and loving marriage. You have to want a happy marriage bad enough to let go of the control, and reading "The Surrendered Wife" helped me realize this. I don't agree with everything in the book (for instance, I still pay the bills in our family but I love doing it and do a great job at it, and we totally plan our budget together as a team), but I totally agree with the main message and attitude of the book and I have adopted that with very positive results. As bad as things are, they can become equally as beautiful and the change can start with you. There are no garantees about him changing, but either way you will be happier and better prepared for future relationships.

Previous posters have said you shouldn't stay together for the kids and I completely see their point, but I think a distinction needs to be made--don't stay for the kids, but CHANGE for the kids. Kids are reason enough to make the marriage good. There aren't only two options here: 1) stay in a miserable marriage for the kids or 2) divorce. Neither of these options are ideal. There is such a thing as a miserable marriage turning beautiful. I think all marriages have been miserable at some point or another and it takes constant effort to maintain a healthy relationship. I wish you the best of luck and for the sake of all involved I hope you both find love and warmth again.

People become the "monsters" that we visualize them to be. It sounds like both of you are thinking constantly about the bad qualities that irritate each of you. No matter who you decided to spend your life in marraige or co-habitation with, there will always be those things you hate that your live-in partner does. There are things that we hate that our children do, but do we give up on them? Most of the mending of relationships start with the visualization--one does not have to imagine their spouse as a perfect prince or princess, but shutting out those negative thoughts and being counteractive with thinking about their positive qualities (even if they only posess few at the moment in your eyes)-- remember the story of Beauty and the Beast? The Beast WAS a monster to a degree, but that was also magnified by people's visualization. I know that sounds like a trite example in your serious situation, but sometimes simple examples can be powerful solutions. I have to work on the power of visualization every day (thinking about why I love/loved about my husband, what made me want children with him, his good qualities, etc.)--It's funny, sometimes the qualities that first drew us together are the ones that try to tear us apart now. Also, keep in mind that if your spouse seems lazy or non-contributive, there might be something wrong emotionally that he is struggling with to make him stray lazy, depressed, or have a changing personality. As far as intimacy, that needs to be part of your life. You both need to meet in the middle somewhere to find a solution that satisfies you both, and do it out of service and not just for your own orgasmic gain--intamacy is shared, but not a selfish game. It's hard to balance a woman's and man's needs in the plumbing department. Your children need to see that superficial affection even, like holding hands, kissing, and touching each other gently. You will lose that without intamacy. That has a big impact on a family!!! But if you are married to a total abusive Dushbag, I suggest getting more severe and professional advice on working through or getting out. Good luck--it is tough!

You need counseling. That would help you both. If you are not ok with that kind of arrangement then it will just blow up. Besides a man needs to have sex. Obviously you are both having problems with what is going on. He is withdrawing and you are attacking. Both are normal you just need help to figure it out. I don't know where you live, but here is a suggestion. Scottsdale Counseling, Mike Dimarco is wonderful and will help you. Fight for your marriage. Good luck!!

WOW....what happened to for better or worse, in sickness and health till death....I've been married 28 yrs...and intimacy is still a huge deal.....it isn't always roses but we PROMISED to LOVE till the end....we saw a counselor and author named ED FORD ("Choosing to Love")
great book he says love is a decision and God gave us free will but when you marry you Promise and Choose that person and to love not to try it on like shoes or clothing...Mr. Ford also says couple need to spend QUALITY time together something physical other than sex or TV....KIds need so much from us that we forget to do for eachother...people grow apart raising kids and really don't get to know their spouses when the kids leave they leave they look at eachother and say "Who Are You and what are you doing in my House?"...Make a weekly date night and cherished him make him feel important and you care. Marriage is worth it and remember Men are mostly the same Train the one you got!!!!!

G. ~

I am floored by your willingness to do whatever it takes to work this out. Your commitment to your marriage is admirable! And my heart hurts for you, honey. There isn't much in this life that tears you up like unfulfillment in your relationship with the love of your life.

Triple ditto to Irene's post. I can personally testify to the power that is in Jesus. My husband and I went through hell the first year of our marriage, due to some major errors in judgment. The casualty list? A divorce, two damaged children, an unplanned pregnancy, a cross-country move into a volatile situation, an emotional illness out of control, DSS threatening to take our son, and bankruptcy. And just as bad as anything, there wasn't much love to speak of. (I had hardly any interest in my own wedding plans!) Neither of us had the money or the nerve to end it, but we were both miserable. I finally hit bottom and had nowhere to look but up. My God answered me. He provided a way to leave the place we were (where we had no support and no money) and gave me an insane, unexplainable peace. He reached out for me when I was too tired to reach for Him. Eventually, He would bring two more children, financial stability, emotional stability (for the most part, lol) and truckloads of love into our family. All of this took place in six years' time! We are living proof that Jesus's love is more than enough. If you know Him, turn NO WHERE ELSE until you talk to Him. If you don't, and you'd like to find out what I'm talking about, please email me: ____@____.com'll never be sorry. No one who's really walked through this life with Him ever has!

My very best to you and your family ~
R.

P.S. Hey, feel free to contact me even if this "God stuff" doesn't strike a chord with you. I'd love to be a listening ear or a source of support. :)

Girl, I totally feel for you. I will tell you the basics of my story...I'm 41, divorced almost exacly a year ago (Saturday!) and have 2 kids, 8.5 and 5.5. My ex and I were married for 8 years. He basically went to work, came home, watched TV and played Play Station. Literally did NOTHING else. Didn't bother with the kids or help with the house or anything. This started getting on my freaking nerves as I own an insurance agency and work very hard outside the home. I started to get resentful of every little thing and trust me, every little thing was bugging me! I kept asking him to help, just do the laundry and take out the trash...was that too much to ask I asked him? No he said, but still didn't do it! This went on for about 2.5 years until I finally couldn't take it anymore and told him I was done. This woke him up for about 5 minutes. Then he was back to his old ways. Then I found out he was busy in chat rooms and texting other women. So I kicked him out. I felt like I would never ever trust him again and at age 39, my life was not happy and it was passing me by quickly. Right after that I started watching "The Secret" and my attitude, my business, finances, etc. all turned around. And right when I had given up on men and figured I would never marry again, I met the most fabulous man ever. The difference between him and my ex are night and day. I don't know what I did to deserve him, but I'm thankful every single day for him. Here is my point in this for you...you need to be honest with your husband and tell him you don't think you want that kind of relationship and see if he is willing to get counceling. (my ex said he would but never did, remember "actions speak louder than words"). You need to look inside yourself and see what kind of life you want and take steps towards that. Life is too short to be unhappy. I realized that with my ex. And at the time, I had just started my business, had a $3,000 per month mortgage and 2 little kids. But I knew he didn't care enough about us and I didn't want to settle for that any longer. It was scary, and I ended up losing the house and moving in with my mom (YUCK!) but we do what we have to and things will get better. So I hope this helps you. I hate to see women just staying because it's too hard (they think) to be on their own. I hope this helps you. Just do what you need to to make yourself and your kids happy. They deserve that from their mom. contact me if you need someone to talk to or if you'd like to meet for coffee or something.

Use the tools you used when you were his girlfriend!

Why do so many women stop being their husband's girlfriend just because they put a ring on their finger?

Would you complain and nag at him when you were dating? Did you go out of your way to soothe him at the end of a rough day? Did you make meals for him, surprise batches of cookies, little treats? Did you iniate sex as though he was the hottest man on Earth? I bet all that went by the wayside when you setteled into life together.

He obviously wants to stay but he also wants permission to go outside the marriage for the kind of kindness and intamacy you used to provide. Instead why don't you try being his girlfriend again for awhile.

Men are so simple! They want affection, adoration and to feel like your hero! If you don't give it to him some other honey will...do you really want another broken relationship for your kids?

My advise would be to treat kindly and seductively. Ignore the annoying things or find a sexy way to ask to get them done. I find my husband will do ANYTHING if I come up behind him, rub his shoulders a moment and whisper seductively in his ear "If you take out the trash and pick up your socks I will make it sooooo worth your while later."

Play with him! Don't let the daily duties and chores and requirements make you forget why you are a couple! The seduction has to start with you and even if you don't feel like it follow the old adage of "Fake it until you feel it." The feelings will follow the behavior. If you behave sweetly and seductively (even if you don't feel it) eventually you will and he will respond. The fact that he hasn't left the house speaks volumes. He seems like a desprete man who wants his girlfriend back!

DEAR G.,

As a recent divorcee, i feel i have to give you some suggestions, mostly from hindsight. Although i am older, and my kids are grown and in their own marriages, your reactions to your spouse sound very familiar. First i need to ask you--Is your husband the typical guy who has to prove he is right about every little thing? Is he growing more self-righteous and/or distant lately? This may be bringing on your being easily irritated with him. Here are some suggestons: First and foremost--PRAY! Ask for forgiveness for yourself, the ability to forgive yourself and your spouse, as well as the ability to see him as God does, into his heart. Second--Have you paid attention to what he is doing when he is not workig away from you, and on the Internet? Not to scare you, but I caught my ex using pornographic sites--good reason for him to act defensive...Third--INSIST on marriage counseling, preferrably with someone from your own faith. Fourth--NEVER stay together "for the sake of the kids"--you are harming them more if you are arguing or fighting in their presence than you would be by living apart and sharing custody (if you feel they are safe alone with him). Even if you think they cannot hear you, kids are not STUPID! They are being harmed by the environment you are keeping them in. I finally had to just become a bit passive-aggressive and not respond to my ex, because he would do everything he could to provoke an argument,and it had to be discussed NOW--he could not wait for me to cool down. Sometimes guilt causes them to want to "get caught" or do something to wreck the marriage, because they feel they don't deserve the wonderful family they have been blessed with. By now he has learned how to "push your buttons," that is, he knows what type of remarks or behavior set you off. So COUNSELING along with prayer are paramount. Best of everything,and may God bless your marriage with the healing it needs.
K.

The little stuff is big when the Big stuff is not dealt with. Find a way to understand what the Big stuff is. His Big stuff might be different than your Big stuff. Focuse on the Big stuff and the little things will not matter.
I hope you followed this and it helps.
R.

no way. you cannot have a marriage just to raise kids with no intimacy. Your being irritated with him does not give him the green light to dismiss the vows!! you have to look deeper and get him to talk! maybe there is something else to talk about? don't blame yourself!! 4 kids ~ his and yours~ must be a lot of work. Don't gauge things on the timing of fights (that it took a year to take place doesn't mean a thing!!)

Hi G.,

It is best to work at your marriage. We go to church at Grace Community Church in Tempe. They have many community groups that involve both you and your husband together and help you get in touch with women & men, that you both can feel comfortable enough to talk to about marriage and circumstances like these. Plus, they are there to encourage you and pray for you both to work at your marriage. Grace also partners with Good Works in Chandler, AZ. Good Works has good counselors for great prices. I think every marriage needs a little help now and then. I am proud of you being able to open up and seek help!!!

Contact Grace for a Good Works Counselor and for support or prayer group. http://www.gracecommunityaz.org/

Good Luck!

L.

You are right that it takes two. You'll have to talk to him about the arrangement, and maybe you could go without intimacy while you go to counseling so you can both decide what the best course of action is without putting the children through as much turmoil. Wondering if this type of situation has "worked out" before depends on what you mean by "working out." Is is feasible? Yes. Is it preferable? No. Good luck. I know it can be very difficult.

Amen sister for sharing your story. Iam sure many can relate to your situation maybe not in all aspects but atleast with felling like you are dissconnecting with your spouse. I sometimes feel like i am single in my relationship and can go for weeks just taking care of my business and not doing too much interacting.. I started to read relationship rescue by yes you know Dr.Phil. P.S my husband hates him... lol. got it on Ebay for real cheap. back to you....The only way a situation like this will work is if you are on the same page and obviously you are not. When you decide on this living situation their are many things you have to consider. Like are you planning on staying married if you deside on just living together cuz if so your not being fair to your self? and if you are not going to have an intimate relationship then you are guys going to go out side the house for relations ships.. What will the kids think? I wish you the best of luck and dont sell your self short... S.

Please. He wants the best of both worlds...let you raise his kids, clean the house, cook the meals AND have a license to cheat. You deserve better, your kids deserve better. Run for the hills, G..

All that I can say is that you are not alone with regards to the irritable feelings. It quickly turns into resentment which makes it very difficult to share your feelings because you are hurting inside. Nip it in the bud as soon as you can by addressing your feelings with him when you feel them and/or speaking to a counselor. I have been discussing counseling with my fiance for almost a year now....part of me believes their is no hope due to the resentment, try not to let it get that far, you may find you are at the point of no return. I wish you well!

real quick here but get this book: The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands!!! It's WONDERFUL!!

Your very first line is "I love my husband".It sounds like he has some issues but is not ready to talk about them yet. The best way to handle that may be to just make it easier for him. Don't push or nag, that never gets anywhere. Two people can sleep in the same bed and not be intimate. It is easiest (and hardest) to just say "yes dear" and wait. Meanwhile, you look into yourself and ask yourself "how can i make myself happy" "How can i make myself more like the person i want to be". (it could even just be 20 minutes of running in place each day, or volunteering at the Y once a week, or taking a course at the community college...)If you make some changes to you for yourself you will start to not be bothered by the things he does and will project a calmer more controlled you. This will be noticed by all around you (including your non intimate roommate, who may forget and become intimate again if "no great big deal" was made of it---if so you can always just apologize and pretend it is sincere). Bottom line is if you feel better about you, everyone benefits and maybe it will stop him from doing whatever crazy thing he has up his sleeve. Kindness and caring (but not fake) works best. sometimes, keep in mind this frustrating fact, men are NEVER are ready to talk about it.
This can buy you time. Then when you have yourself elevated you can decide when YOU are ready to think about if this marriage is making you and the children happy.

Hi G.. I do not see this situation working out for any of you, including the kiddos. And, whoever said to "fake it, until you feel it" is just being ridiculous! All the little things DO add up. It doesn't sound like the problem is your tendency to get irrited at small things. It sounds like it's his problem that he's not doing all that he used to do, or act the way he used to act. It's not necessarily you, it's him too! Also, I don't know why anyone would want to try to stay in a relationship where the other half doesn't want him/her, or even want to try to make an effort to make it work! Good luck, and remember to do what's best for you and your kids!

Read and follow all of the advice in The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands, The Proper Care and Feeding of Marriage and Woman Power. When you apply and practice the small things everyday they become habits. Focusing on the positives and making them a priority leaves little to no room for the negatives. Remember the times and things that you used to do for him when you were dating and do them again. He probably won't know how to react at first and he may even reject you, but stay strong and keep at it. What man can resist the woman of his children becoming his hot wife and girlfriend again? If you don't decide to live intimately I would suggest that you both become very good actors because the children need to see their parents in a LOVING, CARING, COMMITTED relationship so they know how to do it when they get older. I wish you and your family a happy life.

I have a few recommendations for you. There are two books I read when our marriage was struggling. one was "Relationship Rescue" by Dr. Phil. It helps you to look at your responsibility to the relationship since you are the only person you can change. Yes, that seems one-sided, but it's true and it can help your perspective. Another book was "the Five Love Languages". It helped me see what was most important to me vs. what was most important to him and how it's not always the same thing. Finally, for our 10 year anniversary, we went on a Marriage Encounter Weekend. Granted, it is Catholic in it's origin; however, it is open to all faiths and depending on your religion, you might find one that is based on that religion. It changed us. It's all about open communication and listening to feelings without judging them. Not easy, I know. But it has really helped us talk to each other more. Not to mention, getting away for a weekend really re-ignited our relationship in a good way. Good luck.

Read "the Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands" by Dr. Laura Schlessinger. You will be surprised by the simplicity and maybe disbelieving at the "tools" she suggests, but so many people have called her radio program and said it works. I applaud you for wanting to work on the marriage. Also, when I get angry I have to remind myself to stop taking a magnifying glass out when I look at other people and start looking in the mirror instead.

Even if he doesnt want to go, counseling would help you help the both of you! Not necessarily in saving the relationship but, by getting along and trying to figure out what to do. Usually relationships where you just live together for the sake of the kids end in divorce when the kids are older. Possibly intamacy will come from outside the relationship which is not the healthiest situation. You can not make him love you, but you can change yourself with the right tools to make your life happier. Ask yourself Why would you want to stay in a loveless relationship? What are you teaching your children by doing it. If you think that they don't know what's going on, you're fooling yourself. I went through this, and actually came out much better in the end...I left, went to 2 years of counseling, and have turned out a much better person for it. I have learned how to take care of myself and my children, and how to love myself. Please take time to love you! If you are not loved by you, you can't love the way you want to be loved! Take care of #1 mentally and you will take be ok. Counseling is scarey at first, but a great source of learning if you let it work for you!

I think one of the most important things would be to find out WHY he doesn't want an intimate relationship. It sounds like you two need to really, deeply communicate, no matter how much you (both) may fear it hurting. (Self or the other, since loving someone means you don't want to cause them pain either.) If you both can live together with whatever gets revealed, then you have a chance of a strong relationship. If not, then it is better to find out at least.

Hello G.,

My advise would be to go and see a Counselor. There sounds like there are problems and maybe a third party can help you work them out, if you want to save your marriage. My husband and I have been going to one and it has really helped us out.

Good Luck, D.

I had a hard time too, and what saved my marriage was Dr. Phil's book Relationship Rescue. I'm not really a fan of his, but I swear by this book, hands down.
As for staying together for the kids, I first off agree with the poster who said that it's not an either you stay or you don't. Definitely try to improve. But I have a friend whose parents did this, and EVERYONE knew that's the only reason they were still together, particularly when they divorced right after the youngest was out of the house. Only the kids didn't see it, and took it REALLY hard in the end. It was a slap in the face for them.
As far as your getting irritated, just stop it! You're an grown woman and you get to choose how you act/react, so just quit getting annoyed. Everyone does stupid things that deserve our irritation, but you have to step up and be the adult. I know it sucks, but that's just life. He will hopefully follow you're lead.

When you say little things r they things that after you get angry you wonder why it ticked you off in the first place?? My sister & her husband fought all the time. She would just blow up for really no reason. She went to her doctor & was diagnosed as depressed (we have a long family of bi-polar in our family) they gave her some meds that really really help. she said that she knew she was made for a dumb reason but it was still there & would react. Since being medicated it has helped a ton even her husband has noticed. Men hate being nagged on all the time which hinders their intimacy. I am not saying shut up & take it but ask yourself is this worth a fight or why is it making you so mad.
I would strongly recommend counseling if you want it to work. Do not use the children as an excuse to stay married. My parents did that and we all would have been much happier if they had pulled the plug on there marriage. The feelings you both feel now aren't dealed with it will turn to hate with lots of fighting. For me I felt i had to protect my mom which lead me to hating my dad. I believed she was innocent till i moved out then i realized a marriage is 2 people blame cant be put on just one person (unless they cheat then leave the bastard.)

This seems like self torture

I have been in your shoes many of times. My husband has never asked to change our relationship however I have thought about it several times. I can relate when you say you get irritated over the little things, but I have found that usually when that happens I am not happy with myself for one reason or another. I always notice that when I start to take care of myself again by excersizing, eating right etc I begin to let the small stuff go. Also I have noticed that our marriage has it's ups and downs, and all honest couples will say the same thing. Marriage is not easy, it does take work from both. We have always been open to talking with a marriage counselor when we have some big issues to resolve. We have had one since before we got married and every so often we talk with her when we just cant seem to figure things out on our own. Fortunatley my husband is the type that is open to a counselor, I know some are not. In my opinion if my husband came to me and asked to stay together just to raise the kids, I would deffinatley call our counselor. I would say there is more going on in his mind as well, it cant just be that you are irritated with the small things. I also turn to books when I need help with situations, I know right now I am reading a book to help ME feel better about myself so that I can be a better person, mom and wife. Just know that this can be a temporary bump in the road, sit down and talk with your husband and let him know you want to RELLY WORK on your marriage and the living arrangement he suggested just will not make you happy. Work together and be open and honest. I dont know where you live, but if you decide you want the name of a marriage counselor let me know and I will give you her information. Best of luck to you and your husband. You will be in my prayers.
K.

Do not nag your husband. Silently change your ways first. I know this may sound odd but it works. I was having trouble feeling content in my marriage all the little things were bothering me. Then i realized something was wrong with me. So i began to read the ultimate handbook on marriage. The Bible! I have attached a few great verses that really helped me. I also got the books, Power of a Praying Woman & Power of a Praying Wife, by Stormie OMartian. These books really helped us reconnect as a couple because I realized not only was he not meeting my needs I was not meeting his. When I began to pray about it I started working on his needs more and mine fell into place. It can take some time but be dillegent.

Proverbs 31

10 [c] A wife of noble character who can find?
She is worth far more than rubies.

11 Her husband has full confidence in her
and lacks nothing of value.

12 She brings him good, not harm,
all the days of her life.

13 She selects wool and flax
and works with eager hands.

14 She is like the merchant ships,
bringing her food from afar.

15 She gets up while it is still dark;
she provides food for her family
and portions for her servant girls.

16 She considers a field and buys it;
out of her earnings she plants a vineyard.

17 She sets about her work vigorously;
her arms are strong for her tasks.

18 She sees that her trading is profitable,
and her lamp does not go out at night.

19 In her hand she holds the distaff
and grasps the spindle with her fingers.

20 She opens her arms to the poor
and extends her hands to the needy.

21 When it snows, she has no fear for her household;
for all of them are clothed in scarlet.

22 She makes coverings for her bed;
she is clothed in fine linen and purple.

23 Her husband is respected at the city gate,
where he takes his seat among the elders of the land.

24 She makes linen garments and sells them,
and supplies the merchants with sashes.

25 She is clothed with strength and dignity;
she can laugh at the days to come.

26 She speaks with wisdom,
and faithful instruction is on her tongue.

27 She watches over the affairs of her household
and does not eat the bread of idleness.

28 Her children arise and call her blessed;
her husband also, and he praises her:

29 "Many women do noble things,
but you surpass them all."

30 Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting;
but a woman who fears the LORD is to be praised.

31 Give her the reward she has earned,
and let her works bring her praise at the city gate.

There is a verse in 1 Corinthians 7 about a wife or a husband being married to an unbeliver. Now I dont know if either of you believe in the Lord but you can take this advice. It says if you leave how will you know if they will come to the Lord. Your actions and the way you present yourself set the tone for your marriage. Act in a loving, kind and passionate way towards your husband, try doing things he like weather you do or not. I know my husband like video games sometimes I try and play with him or I help make him comfortable by keeping the kids busy so he can have a chance to unwind.

Also it he is sitting there watching tv, playing games, reading the newspaper and ignoring you. You have the peace of mind that he is home and not out causing trouble. If he is out causing trouble try and find ways to make home more appealing.

May God Bless you in your love for your husband and bring the two of you back to each other and even stronger than before.

PS just as some have said. Never stop dating your husband.

My step-Dad recently told my mother the same thing, turns out he was cheating on her among other horrible things and that was his cowardly way of getting out of the commitment he made to her. I wouldn't tolerate that sort of arrangement for one minute. It spells trouble to me.

Hi G. -

May I also suggest the book "Love and Respect" by Emmerson Eggerics (sp?). My husband and I went through it and it helped work through a lot of communication issues. I would also question his choice for lack of intimacy because the absolute one thing that we know about men is that they need sexual release. So if hes not getting it with you, it's coming from somewhere else - like pornography.

I think we all get irritated with stupid things - especially when our needs are not being met. I wish you luck as you work through this with or without your husbands help.

first off, keep in mind that living together IS an intimate relationship. wehther or not you sleep in the same bed is not going to affect how you react to each other in the house. the cleaning and the time spent watching tv and all the other things that every woman alive gets irritated at, are still going to be there. DO NOT stay and diskile or even hate each other for your children if it gets to that point. all children want their parents to be together, but they want them to love each other too. children are perceptive. dont insult their intelligence. learn how to get a grip on your temper. easier said than done but nessasry.

Hey G.,

Wow, what an untenable situation. Have you asked him why he wants to stop having sex with you? That's kind of a biggie. If you ask and the answer has something to do with your admitted annoyance with him, I'd ask myself why I find him so annoying. Needs are not being met for either one of you. What are those needs specifically? This is the question to answer, and you'll only get answers if he's willing to communicate with you. If he isn't, that's telling you something, too. G., I'm sure that there are couples out there who have made a living arrangement, such as you describe, work. However, you have to ask yourself if you are over him romantically-do you still want him? If you do, then this kind of arrangement will never work. I think one would have to be awfully evolved to make that happen-I know I couldn't do it. Whatever you do, be honest with yourself. If he says he doesn't want to have an intimate relationship with you, staying in the house with him to try to change his mind would be the wrong thing to do-take him at his word.

Take care of yourself. Whatever you do, seek happiness.

Al

Big job ahead, but not impossible. It sounds like your husband thinks you're compatible enough to raise the kids, so maybe you (plural, it does take two) need to spark it up in the intimacy realm. But I absolutely would NOT agree to a marriage "to raise the kids"... I did that for most of my 18 year marriage, not consciously, and not staying married "for the sake of the kids", but hanging in there because I truly believed in marriage and "making" it work. Most friends and family were shocked when we divorced because of the facade we'd maintained, but our kids (12 and 15 at the time)wished we'd done it long before. It's not worth it. Kids feel everything that's going on, no matter how you think you're conducting yourselves in front of them. They deserve to live in a home with two parents who truly love each other, or in two homes with parents who are happier without each other.

You also deserve to be in a home where you are truly loved. Are those things you get upset with really "little stupid things", or do they truly matter to you? Has your husband become distant because you are critical or vise-versa? Don't sell yourself short there until you've thoroughly explored that.

Hate to plant seeds here, but is your husband suggesting a marriage without intimate relations because he's having an affair? (speaking from experience again) Again, don't blame yourself, I thought he wouldn't do that if everything was ok in our marriage, or that I could forgive anything and it would strengthen us, or blah, blah, blah... I made excuses for him. It's NOT worth it. He did what he did 'cause that's where he was at in his development and committment.

Which brings me to... those little things that bother you. Try practicing loving detachment. He is NOT you. You are not responsible for his actions or inactions. Rather than judge those, just look on them as an observer, "hmmm... that's what he did in "x" situation... interesting". If he dresses funny or has bad table manners it reflects on HIM, not you. Seeing our loved ones as extensions of ourselves can be very damaging. Remember, he is his own person and see if that frees you up from some of the irritation.

Whether or not he will go with you, I'd urge you to get professional counseling to help yourself through this no matter what the outcome. I wish you the best... and remember, you are worthy of living in love.

If you love your husband, then trying to save the marriage is ALWAYS worth it. You have a lot of advice and I just wanted to suggest a book I recently read called "Why Mars and Venus Collide" by John Gray. It was very eye opening to me on how our differences as men and women are meant to complement each other, and yet because we don't understand them we butt heads instead. I gained a lot of good insights that I have already seen make a positive difference in my marriage. But whatever you do to improve your marriage, good luck. It will be a difficult road, but I believe it can be done and the happiness you will find at the end will far out weigh the struggles.

Sounds a little fishy to me - I'd dig a little deeper into what's going on with him before I make a decision. Any man who isn't interested in an intimate relationship with his partner is probably have an intimate relationship with someone else. And you have reason to get irritated with him - you're harboring an obvious distrust/resentment with the way he has been treating you. You need to sit him down and find out what's going on - whether it's bad or good, at least you'll know. Good luck and God Bless!

This sounds like a difficult situation. But it is important to remember that all marriages have ups and downs and take work from both people. I don't think you are alone in letting the little things get to you. Everyone fights that, but it is important to fight it. Try taking care of yourself, making sure that you get the sleep that you need and the excersize and down time(yes I know it is difficult). And try setting aside the irritation for awhile and do things together that you both enjoy so you can reconnect. Focus on the positive, things about him that you like, things that he is doing or at least trying to do, what kind of a father he is and then tell him about it. And then talk openly, honestly but sensativly about the things that are bothering you. And ask, and more importantly listen without getting defencive, about the things that are bothering him. It is almost always a two way issue. I agree with others that counseling can help with this process.
Marriage is not easy but it is worth fighting for. Don't settle for a half way situation, that is not good for anyone. But neither is a divorce. So don't give up. And try not to let him give up. My best wishes for your family. Good luck.