Safety - Am I Just Being Paranoid

Hi E.,

I too am a slightly 'paranoid' mom... I think though that we have to understand that our fears are based on reality... these are not just things that we conjure up out of nowhere, with no basis whatsoever... at the point when our babies become mobile we get this weird sixth sense to visualize what *could* happen, and then we prevent those things from happening the best we can... installing baby gates, outlet plugs, locking up the poisons, and then we advance to teaching them to look both ways, talking to them about strangers, pedophiles, checking the halloween candy before it can be enjoyed... the list goes on and on and on. I still tell my husband before going to work, and coming home to "drive safe honey, we need you" - I honestly feel like if i don't say that, that by some unrealistic chance, he will end up in a car accident and die. I know it is ridiculous... and i know i am not actually preventing this scenario, but it makes me feel better... I also do not anybody leave this house without hearing an "i love you" (not so much the visitors... really just people who live here :) ha ha). I want to make sure that God forbid, something were to happen to me, or to them, that the last thing they heard from me was that I loved them. Anyway, enough about me...

Do you think that your feelings are based on anything real happening? something you heard about a local kid getting hurt, or a news story? Do your kids frequently practice reckless abandon and don't pay attention when crossing streets? i have almost watched my kid get hit by a car twice because she saw me outside on her way home from school and ran towards me without looking both ways when she crossed the street. Oy! talk about sudden panic!

I know that it is hard to hear criticism from family... and it's not helping you to simply be called paranoid, and just 'relax' (like it's really THAT easy - oh gee... i'll just tell myself to relax and like magic, poof! it's gone! why didn't i think of that?). But I would have to agree, that your worrying is interrupting your daily life. A certain amount of worry is absolutely healthy - you can't just turn your back on your kids and let them 'go'. But if you have made every effort to ensure they have street smarts, and if it makes you feel better to review the rules before they are out the door, then do so. But at the point that you get that pit in your stomach and can't shake the feeling they are going to get hurt, then it's time to look inward and find the source of your anxiety.

I don't know exactly where you live, but my girlfriend's husband is an oak park cop... there are some really good areas and then some really not-so-good areas... is it possible that your area is making you feel like they're not safe out of your sight?

I have sought help for these issues, though my anxiety has always been centered around social situations that i find myself in, but i find my medication helps with all the anxiety that i have. I will say though... the higher my dose, the bigger my 'i dont care' attitude... which has an opposite effect in social situations... i say things that i should regret, but don't - eek :)

I really hope that you get a bit more support on this. I do think your worrying has reached an unhealthy point. Talk to a doctor, or see a therapist? (i know that sounds like you're a head case - that's not what i mean at all... but talk to somebody to maybe find the source of your anxiety). There are as many approaches to dealing with this as there are causes, so really you need to find what works for you.

Good luck to you E..

~J.~

You are just trying to be a good parent. I think that in today's world we need to keep tabs closely on our kids. There's just too much bad stuff out there. However, we do want to give them a normal childhood. I caught myself in a similar situation with my son when he turned 12 and we moved to an area where he more freedom to roam. When I got him a cell phone, we agreed that he would check in at certain intervals and also if there was any change in his plans like he met a friend and wanted to go to friend's house. If he did not call w/in 10 minutes of agreed time, I called him. If I could not reach him after 20 minutes, I would get in the car and go find him. His consequence if it went that far was taking the cell phone and grounding. The consequence was appropriate to the infraction. If I found him involved in shooting baskets and he just forgot, it was one night. If I found he went to someone's house w/o notifying me, it was 3 nights. He quickly found out that it easier and less embarrassing to follow my rules and I was able to relax a little bit and give him some freedom. We also set up a reward system if he consistently kept up with the rules. As they approach their teens you really need to have strong structure in the home, especially for boys. I love him dearly, but I don't trust him always, because I know he is still developing and may not yet have what he needs to make the right decision. It sounds to me like you are on the right track. You are just at a junction that you need to get past. Hope this helps.

I think "Mom O" has given you some sound advice. I think I might use it for my son. He's only 8 right now, but my husband and I agree that a plan similar to "Mom O"s will work for us.

Besides, you are a mother. Trust your gut, your instincts. You have a connection to your children. You are going to have concerns and sometimes a little anxiety. Your job is to approach the situation with a reasonable solution. Drugs, meds, etc. may just numb you to the situation. Talk to your children to see if they are aware of the dangers of rollerblading and cycling through the streets. Find out what they are doing to be safe and protect themselves. You can get safety videos from the library so that they can see what could happen, if they haven't yet come across any dangers. It's kind of like having to watch the "Shaken Baby Syndrome" video before you leave the hospital with your brand new baby. Allowing your children to verbalize and make choices for themselves will allow them to recognize the responsibility they have in this.

All households are different, and handle things in their own way. In our house we pray, so we don't give a lot of our time and energy to fear. Whenever fear tries to take over my thoughts, I remind myself of Psalm 91. I may actually read it a few times. It doesn't hurt to read 2 Timothy 1:7 either. May God bless and keep you.

You are certainly right to be concerned and yes all those things can happen. But if it is weighing on you to the extent that it is, then you likely need some assistance with therapy. there are some good anti-anxiety meds that may well help. It is pretty normal to visualise all kinds of accidents etc. I think a lot of moms do, but if it is taking over your life and intruding to this extent then you will be much happier with some assistance.

Being concerned and being so worried that you don't like them to cross the street are two different things. You need to re-read Kahlil Gibran - "Your children are not your children" - and realize that part of raising kids is trusting them to behave and be careful out of our sight. It is not doing them any favors to smother them (not that you are, I can't assess that, just speaking in general terms). Our job is not to protect them from all harm but to equip them to deal with harm.

You're not crazy! Your parents didn't have as many cars on the road when they raised you. Kids don't think anything can happen to theselves until it's too late. Only allow your children to go so far on those things. They can ride in school parking lots, around the block like we did on skates or at the proper facilities made for each sport. Elk Grove Village has a skateboarding facility. Maybe your community does also. Call the park districts. Good luck mom.

It's not paranoid to have them wear helmets or check in with you. It's also normal to be concerned that they might be mugged or have a bike stolen or get hit by a car - sometimes it happens. I worry about those things when I think of my kids getting older. Raising kids in a semi-urban environment (I live in OP too) has both benefits and challenges.

On the other hand, if it's weighing on you as much as it sounds like it is, maybe it's time to look at their summer schedules, how they handle responsibility, who they are hanging out with, and so on. It's not like there's nothing between "overprotective" and "not paying any attention," you know?