Am I Too Overprotective?

I was this way too.
i read the book "Protecting the Gift"
it helped a lot. but I don't mind that she knows I am keeping an eye out for her- but after having read the book I don't feel obsessed about it.

I think it is fine to be overprotective, but be careful about the signal that you send to your little girl. Kids pick up on things, and you don't want her to be super afraid to leave you, because in a year or so, she will need to leave you for school. She needs to understand that she will be okay if she is away from her mom for a while.

Well in certain situations i don't blame you. When at the store I would hold my daughters hand if she would let me...lol
BUT if you keep being as over protective as you are you are teaching your daughter that the world is not a safe place and while it's not all the time it is for the most part. You want your daughter to feel safe so she can learn about her world. This unsafe feeling will follow her through out her life and will also effect you. When she starts kindergarten she won't want to be left there because she won't trust her teacher since she only trusts you to keep her safe.

I just wanted to tell you that you are not alone. I am paranoid about the same things. We don't use childcare and have VERY rarely left our two-year-old with anyone--only friends we really trust and family once in a great while. I, too, worry that my fears will affect my kids but I can't help feeling paranoid with everything you see on the news everyday. It makes me wonder if you can really be too protective in such a world. I don't have much advice but what I do try to do to manage this anxiety is get back to the present--take a deep breath and say to yourself "Right now she is perfectly safe and all is well."

You do need to be very careful when you are out as you never know who is there or what their intentions are. However, if you are even worried about this in your own home you need to examine why. Was there something from your own past that you need to deal with? If so you may need to seek counseling. I was molested as a child and used to obsess about what could happen to my daughter. I got help and feel much better about keeping her safe without being afraid all of the time. She is old enough now that I would suggest the DVD "Safe Side". It was produced by John Walsh and the woman who created Baby Einstien. It is a great resource for teaching kids ways to be safe around people they don't know without frightening them. Being too protective can make your child afraid of other people and be too limiting but you do want to make sure she knows how to keep herself safe.

Is there a reason you feel you need to be this way? Did you have a bad experience or know someone close who did? I would say that if you are asking this question and your post says, "and I am SUPER OVERPROTECTIVE" you already know your answer. You need to work on changing your behavior to a reasonable amount of safety and protection for both of you. Otherwise, not only will you be miserable when she is a teenager but she may grow to be anxious and scared instead of confident and strong. I would seek out a therapist for yourself to find the root of the problem and someone who can provide professional help to adjust your behaviors.
Best wishes,
M.

your anxieties may be well-founded (it's a scary world at times) but you don't want to project your fears onto your little girl (it's also a wonderful incredible world full of adventures.) try letting her roam a bit in venues where you are comfortable (a playground with good visibility, on hikes where you can keep a close eye on her but she can wander, in stores or at the mall where you're not actually shopping so can 'shadow' her), and teach her good habits about how to stay close to you in places where your anxiety manifests at the higher levels. of course you want to protect her from bad stuff, but you also want her to have the confidence to be able to leave you and to move boldly through the world without undue fear.
give yourself baby steps.
khairete
S.

J., any four-year-old should be supervised at all times--doing so isn't overprotective, it's wise. She isn't old enough to make any judgements for herself about safety, and I don't just mean "stranger danger" safety but safety like not climbing the shelves in the store, not fooling around on the escalator, not wandering into the poison ivy at the park. In a big group of people you should indeed be checking on her; I wish more people checked on their much older kids when there's a crowd. So I think you're doing great to monitor her and keep her in sight at all times. Believe me, other parents silently thank you for it and silently grind their teeth at the kids who are running amok without an adult in sight.

I'd say don't question your current vigilance but do question your reasons behind it -- as others here have noted, did you have experiences that have made you fear drastic things like kidnapping and molestation? If so, have you gotten professional help to deal with those past events? Those events are actually statistically pretty rare; and from what I've read over the years, most kidnappings are done by people who know the child already (like relatives)and most molestations are done not by totally random strangers but by people whom the child knows and trusts, so a very intense fear of kidnapping or molestation by total strangers is perhaps misplaced. Yes, we should all be vigilant about strangers, absolutely, but if your concerns become so intense that your daughter picks up on them, she may become terrified of everything and everyone. Like others, I recommend -- for not only your daughter, but you too -- the "Safe Side" video, as it helps kids learn, in a smart and non-scary way, how to gauge for themselves whether people are safe for them to be with.

One other thing I'd add, as the parent of an eight-year-old: Your daughter will increasingly ask to do things on her own, as SM mentioned about her five-year-old. Within reason and with clear limits, let her do some things on her own and increase what she does as she gets older. "On her own" does not mean totally out of your sight or in a location different from yours, at this age; she can pick her own library book off a shelf while you wait at the end of the row (pretend to be looking down at a book and not at her!), or even check it out herself while you wait a few feet away; she can choose which can of beans to put in the shopping cart; she can go to the far end of the grocery aisle you're already in and get "the red box with the picture of mac and cheese on it" and bring it back to the cart. These kinds of things make her feel responsible and helpful and that is vital to having a kid who can think for herself and make choices. It shows you trust her in small ways that will seem big to her. And one more thing to remember -- she is close to kindergarten age. Eventually you will have to trust other people with her -- teachers and counselors, principals and even other parents who are in her classrooms volunteering or chaperoning field trips you can't attend. If she is extremely fearful entering kindergarten that will be tough on both her and on you. If she's not in preschool or short classes or camps already you might consider getting her into something like that, for both your sakes. By the way -- I still check on my eight-year-old if I get up in the night. Just because!

Hi, J.. I feel the same way about myself sometimes. I check on my daughters when they are in our home, and I am super vigilent when we are out. I restrict letting others watch them unless I feel absolutely certain they can be as vigilent as I am (and I'm just talking about their grandmothers).

However, I do genuinely believe that msny if not most other moms (and dads) are not thoughtful and cautious enough with their kids. I am very well educated in psychology, and I know a lot about chicldren's decision processes and judgement. I know that kids ()even teenagers in some settings) are simply not capable of looking out for themselves (be it crossing the street or stranger safety). Many parents take the attidude of giving their kids tons of independence and "This is how they learn..." I don't doubt other parents love of their kids, but I do feel a lot of adults make poor decisions.

I don't think that you should feel guilty for how well you take care of and are thoughtful of your daughter. I believe the problem is if that anxiety interferes with your life or her's - if you make yourself ill simply by going to the playground or if your daughter is scared to go to the mall, for instance. I go out of my way not to transmit my anxieties to my daughter. A little bit of anxiety keeps you alert and on your toes. Too much immobilizes you.

What I find helps me is that I work on empowering her - I have an 18 month old and a five year old, so most of my experience is with the five year old. I second the "Safe Side" video. My five year old has been watching that since she was three. It's great. My daughter is also starting martial arts soon. Not that that can protect her per se, but it will make her a safer teenager and adult woman. I also teach my kids to be very vocal, to speak up for themselves and not feel they have to do what adults tell them to.

I have noticed that this last year, from age 4 to age 5 has been one of tremendous change. My daughter has started to do indepenent playdates and wanting to go up to the counter to pay for things or get library books off the shelf by herself all out of my sight ("Mommy, you stay here!"), for example. It all freaks me out. Sometimes I say yes and sometimes I say no. But I focus on two things. First, I want her to have a full life where she experiences everything a kids should. Second, I am not willing to compromiose my principles because of what other moms might think. If a mom doesn't respect my concerns, even if she thinks I am going overboard, then that is a family I don't want my daughter involved with. For example, before I let my daughter go to a playdate, I ask if there are firearms in the house. I usually preface it with, "You might think I am nuts but I always ask... because my duaghter wouldn't know how to be safe around a gun if she saw one." If a mom thinks I AM nuts for asking, who cares. She and I just won't be friends. I want my daughter to not give into peer pressure. Why should I? I also became quite good at saying things like, "I am not comfortable with... since I dont' know this neighborhood/playground/store/street... so I think I will stay with her."

Sorry if this was a bit of a rant, but basically it sounds like you are a great and careful mom. As long as it isn't interfering with your happiness or limiting your duaghter's experience of life, then I think you are doing great.

Too bad there is no "crazy overprotectiv emom playgroup" so we could all relax a little.

And PS - you are not OVER-protective. YOu are simply being a good mom.

My son is not yet 3, but even at 4 years old I am not sure how comfortable I will feel letting him run up and down grocery isles. I don't think that is something you should feel worried about. There is always the thought in the back of my mind that something could happen to my son or that he could be kidnapped or harmed in some way. But I look at it as more of an awareness. It is not some sort of feeling of panic and I try not to let it control me. I do want my son to have some freedom to run and play and I know he is going to get hurt from time to time-I am not a parent that dresses him up in padding from head to toe or keeps him in a bubble :) At the same time I am not the parent that feels he should have to touch a stove to learn that it is hot. I do check on him each night after he goes to bed and if he is asleep I just make sure he is covered or looks comfortable or if he is awake I just tell him goodnight. I think you just have to learn not to stress things so much, especially things that are not in your control. While protecting your child to the best of your ability is fine, constantly worrying is not going to make anything better. I know it may be hard but you have to realize if something were to happen it would not be because you worried or because you didn't. In the end all that does is cause you unneeded stress. A little bit of anxiety or hesitation here and there is alright, but make sure you find ways to let things go. For me, my faith is a good way. If I am feeling panicked, I turn to God and trust my son in His hands. It's not always as easy as I made it sound either :) After all we want to be in control of our own lives all the time. There is a serenity prayer I like to recite as well. I hope you can find a way to cope with your stress, God bless!

As someone whose son has done a lot of running through grocery isles, I can tell you it's not by my choice. He's gotten a lot better now, but at the height of his running around, when he was 2 - 3, I was VERY pregnant with his sister and I simply could not chase him down. He wouldn't sit still in the cart for very long without screaming to get down. So, I had to think through what the worst consequences could be. I figured there was no way he was going to let some stranger carry him out the door without a lot of screaming and making a scene. I kept an eye on the door nonetheless. My biggest concern was him disturbing other shoppers or running into people.

Although there are a very few evil people out there who have ruined our sense of security, try to remember that most people are good and the chances of anyone abducting your child are infinitesimal. Although you want to take reasonable precautions, you cannot live your life in a constant state of anxiety. If you are saying that you are afraid that she is going to get abducted right out of her own bedroom, then I think you do need some help. Install locks on the windows or something and get a good night's sleep.

These days you can't be too protective. She is only four. When she is older she will let you know you don't have to be such an eagle eye. For now, congratulations Mom! You are doing a good job. AF

I've read the responses and I have kind of a different take on this. I, too, am an admittedly anxious parent. My mind always thinks that the worst will happen. But, kids will grow up no matter what. I want mine to be independent, strong and not anxious like I am. So, I've started giving them a little more freedom (they're 6 and 9). I feel so good watching them accomplish something independently and feeling good about it. I believe the extra independence and confidence that it brings makes them more sure of themselves. For example, I let them go one aisle ahead of me in the store to find something on my list. I can be there in an instant and they know to scream if someone tries to take them. But they're so excited and happy when they come find me with the item I wanted.

That said, I don't think at age 4 she should be running away from you in a store or crossing the road alone. However, starting with a little freedom within the house or at a controlled playground (where you watch from a distance) is a great way to start. You'll be amazed at how nice it is not to worry so much and become confident that your daughter knows how to handle herself in a given situation. You will have to let go eventually, so a little practice for both of you is a good thing. :)

I am right there with so many of you other Moms. I think my fears stem from not being a Mom until 43, having a boy and having lived through the loss of my only brother when I was 16. I was the only 1 of 5 siblings still living at home when my brother was killed. So I had a front row seat to watch my Mom lose her only son. It affects how I parent. I KNOW I will go get some additional help for it now that I have a child. But I have addressed several of the things I think were making my fears worse: fatigue, hormone imbalance and recently diagnosed Thyroid issues. Biochemically I was not at my strongest. And when I am fatigued or less than 100% - I tell my husband "The evil demons carry me away" Which is my way of saying that my thoughts go to dark places and fear takes me over. The thing that has helped me is telling my son since he was able to understand my words what I expect from him. How to act in the grocery store. You may walk next to my cart but the 1st moment you leave a 2 ft zone - you are IN the cart. You must always hold my hand in the parking lot or crossing streets. The only people who are allowed to pick you up off the ground are family. If anyone ever does - scream and kick so they want to put you down. No grown up should ever ask you for help - they should ask another grown up, etc. I have been watching him like a hawk since I stayed home after his birth. But during that time I have let him go into the childcare area at the YMCA - a place I trust. I have only had his grandparents and one other babysitter whom I trust watch him. We don't go out much. And this summer since he was 4 I calmed my fears and let him go to several weeks of 1/2 day summer camp at the gym we are members of. A place he is comfortable in and I can get there in 5 minutes. He is so confident and I beleive it's cos he KNOWS Mom and Dad are always there looking out for him. He never had a moment where he was upset to see us leave. He's actually upset when the fun is over and it's time to go. So for me - this has been a journey where I have had to be conscious NOT to let my fears limit and imprint my son negatively. I have conversations with myself. And in settings where I will let someone else be the caregiver in my absence - I've chosen places I'm comfortable with and gotten that way by checking them out personally. I literally hung out for 2 or 3 hours letting him play at the YMCA childcare before I ever left him for the 1st time. And I ask ALL the vital safety questions and I still have to swallow the lump in my throat when I walk away without him. But now- he's 4 and the summer camp experience really shifted me away from alot of this. PLUS - he can tell me everything that happens while I'm gone from him. Sorry for being so long winded - but I hope any of that helps you manage your fears - Blessings, S.

I am glad you asked this question and I have scrolled through the responses because I am also very protective. My daughter is only 15 months old but I worry alot about her safety. I am also shocked when I see Moms walking through the mall with their 4 year old (or younger) child lagging behind. And I wonder how they can be so sure nothing bad is going to happen to their child? The kidnapping thing worries me in the middle of the night as well although it would be difficult to break into my daughter's room. One of our friends recently had a baby and she is worried that someone will break into their 8th floor condo and kidnap her daughter in the middle of the night - so we are not alone!
When we are out in public we have a rule that my daughter must hold my hand or my husband's hand. If not, then it is back into the stroller or cart. I don't know how I will be when she is older. I hope I will let her have some freedom but in a safe way. And I worry about how I am going to teach her to fight off a stranger without scaring her. I think you and I both need to find a way to balance our fears so that they don't influence our children while still keeping them safe. And, above all, we need to always do what we think is right, no matter what other people tell us. My thoughts are it is up to the parents to protect the children and teach them how to stay safe.
Sometimes, when I get too paranoid about things, I sit down and make a list of what could happen and the steps I can take to prevent it. I also play in my mind what I would do in each situation - for instances, if my daughter choked on a piece of food what would I do. I play throught the steps in my mind so I know that if something happened I would be able to respond without thinking. It makes me feel like I have more control over the situation and lets me relax a little.
Try this before trying any medication!
Feel free to e-mail me directly if you want.

Hi there,

I think that you are right, to an extent, the world is an ugly place. There are awful ppl out there that do ugly things to kids, I don't blame you one bit for being cautious and keeping an eye/hand on your daughter. I also worry about my kids, making sure I have my eyes on them and no one else has a hand on them that I don't trust.

At home, you can relax, unless you have untrustworthy ppl at your home, keeping your doors locked and having a safe environment for your family. I wouldn't worry at home. In public, be protective, like you are.

I think you might feel a little better if you weren't so anxious. I can understnad concern, so long as you have her with trustworthy ppl, you should relax some! You should talk to your doctor and let them know you are anxious and you know it;s more than the norm. There are meds that can help calm you.

Good luck to you! You are a good mom, but if you keep the overprotection up, you will have a really rebelous child when time comes for her to enter that stage. She will do things that you never allow that the other kids do. I was an overprotected child, when my rebelous stage hit, I went all out! I am not protective of my kids, because I have seen so much of the ugliness that this world has, and I don't want them having any part of it. You can mssg me anytime you would like.
God Bless!

Hi J.,

It sounds like you know your worrying goes beyond what most parents experience. Though I am not a psychologist, I wonder if you may be struggling with Generalized Anxiety Disorder. Check out this link and see if it fits:

http://mayoclinic.com/health/generalized-anxiety-disorder...

You sound like a good mom. Good luck!!

Like every other parent, I don't think that there is enough supervision of some kids. I have a 13yob, 11yob, and 6yog, while my oldest is autstic and rarely leaves my side when I take him out, my 6yo is allowed to walk next to me, although she has limited freedom, I can see her when we are out. They are not allowed to wlak out of my reach if we are in a crowded place, I want to be able to take no more htan one big step to be able to reach them. If they go further away, then they don't get to leave my side-not fun for a preteen boy.
You are going to have to give her a longer leach eventually, but right now, I don't think that you are too overprotective.
If you still have these issues when she goes to kindergarten, or away for school for the day, then you may want to seek help with anxiety, but this world is scary for adults, just try not to let the scary things make her anxious too.

I think that parents need to be cautious for their children, but if you are constantly fearful or obsessed with thoughts that she'll be kidnapped or molested, you might want to look at what is going on in your own head. Sometimes our fears are compounded by our own thoughts and experiences and not entirely based in reality.

I'm not saying don't worry but think, "What will it hurt if I let her walk this aisle with me and pick out her own cereal?" At four, letting her walk around within your sight is age appropriate, IMO. When my stepdaughter got older, we let her walk down the street to her friend's house - and we watched her go and made her call when she arrived. Then we started letting her go by herself, without watching. Then we stopped making her call when she arrived so long as she had her cell phone. One day we'll let her take the car by herself. It's a process. We've tried to teach her independance within safe parameters.

Also, teach her what to do if she's confronted by a stranger. Role play with her how to react, scream, bite, kick, find another parent, find store personnel, find a police officer, etc. You will have to be away from her some day and teaching her to be a problem for a predator will help protect her.