Rules and Discipline for Teenager New to Our Home

Well it sounds like everyone else has been demeaning him so don't do it. What I mean is going you can't talk to strangers on the internet is demeaning to a 13 year old, it sounds like you are talking to a small child. Instead explain why you think it was not a good idea. In the case of the coach he was after business. You don't have the money to have a private coach so you shouldn't be contacting coaches, right?

At least with my older kids it was the knowledge that no one has to be who they seem or the age they seem. Given that information they were able to navigate the internet without chatting with bad people.

I guess I am saying if you want to empower him you need to work on getting him to make the right decisions on his own. Anything else and you will be doing the same thing everyone else has been doing but just doing it differently.

Oh yeah, can I add Suz's answer to the end of mine?!

don't talk down to him. explain why he must not give out his number to people on line, and that you feel so strongly about it that if he chooses to do so, you will regretfully have to curtail his internet. don't lecture or apologize, just lay out the facts and the reasons for them simply and directly. ask him how you can be of help in finding him a team and a coach. solicit his help in figuring out the best way to develop friendships (ie would he prefer that you comb your own social group and assemble a group of teenagers for a social event at your house, or would he rather you take him to a skate park or roller rink or the mall and let him work it out himself.)
explain the house rules to him, and let him participate in deciding what the consequences would be for breaking them. if you feel they're too light you can say no and renegotiate.
most of all, model the behavior you expect, ie talking to him respectfully, and being rigorously honest.
he's a lucky fellow. i hope it works out for all.
khairete
S.

Rather than thinking in terms of rules and punishment, I think teens respond better to the idea of teamwork and consequences. If your nephew wants to live with you, he will become part of your team. There are certain things required of him if he wants to join your team. Like communicating where he is going and with whom. And if he fails to do his part, the whole team suffers, so there need to be consequences for that.

You won't be able to make up a rule for everything. If you develop habits of communicating with your nephew, you can address issues as they come up. If he knows you love and want the best for him, he will be more willing to accept your guidelines like not giving out his phone number to people he doesn't know.

Two books I've found helpful are: "Parenting Teens with Love and Logic" by Cline and Fay; and "How to Talk so Teens will Listen and Listen so Teens will Talk" by Faber and Mazlish. Around here, they are available from the library.

Sit down with him and tell him that if he CHOOSES to live with you, then there are rules to abide by. The biggest rule is NO LYING. You cannot have a relationship where lying exists. Be truthful, even if it's hurtful.

Next, get out a pad of paper and negotiate the terms:

"I think during school night, unless there is explicit permission, you may stay out until 8pm. On Friday and Saturday nights, it's 10pm, unless we discuss it. If you are late, what should the consequences be? Does this all seem fair?"

(My parents always asked ME what my consequences should be, which made me even more responsible if I broke the rules. I couldn't blame them, since *I* came up with the punishment!)

"We have these chores to do (have a list ready). I need you to pick 5 (or whatever you think it fair) for the week."

"There will be no yelling or disrespect from us or from you. We will communicate kindly and if there is a problem discuss it before it becomes a problem. Deal?"

"If you do your chores, keep your room can bathroom clean, as well as your hygiene and laundry done (my 9 year old does most of the laundry and loves it). Included in this is taking pride and doing your schoolwork properly AND turning it in. Keeping your nose clean - no drugs, no smoking, no drinking. We will give you a stipend: spending money. You can save it for something good, or spend it on little things. The choice is yours. We will provide clothing at the beginning of the school year and it has to last you the entire year, so take care of it."

He needs to EARN video game time and you must have complete access to his internet usage history, as well as texting history. "I probably will not check it daily, but I do have the right to check it. Be sure you are respectful texting and not inappropriate."

He will be relieved that there are rules and he knows where the lines are.

Good luck. Also, a book that helped me at this age was:
Teenage Survival Manual: How to Reach 20 in One Piece
http://www.amazon.com/Teenage-Survival-Manual-Reach-Piece...

I agree with what everyone has said, and can add that since he is 13, I'd be driving him where he needs to go, and picking him up. And when he does make friends, make sure that if he gets invited somewhere, that you speak to the parents prior. My youngest son just turned 14, and I am appalled at the way some parents let their 14 year olds act, and what they are allowed to do. You probably don't want your nephew hanging out with some people. Also, make sure that you go to his sports games and practices if you can. Seeing you in the stands cheering him on, will be a great morale booster. You need a big pat on the back for doing this for him, you will be changing his life forever.

How great that you love him like your own. For a kid who has primarily been hated and torn down, your biggest focus should be on loving your nephew, not disciplining him.

Surprisingly, we have very few rules in our household or even fewer troubles.

We just talk, talk, talk, and encourage thinking.

Tell him what your family goals are. I think that mine are having a healthy, happy, safe, and successful family. See if he agrees with these goals or if he thinks anything needs to be amended. Assuming he agrees, you can see if his behavior supports these goals.

For instance, what are the possible repercussions of giving out the phone number? Perhaps you could look up the information on the Internet and explain that sometimes bad people will try to get information out of kids to harm them, together, find out what people can find out about you (check out Spokeo and other such sites - if you haven't denied access recently, do so now.) Chances are that you may turn green when he realizes that he may have not only given a phone number but access to other "private" information such as an address that a bad guy could use to harm him or the family. This did not keep the family safe. Once he sees the reason for the rule, he should follow it.

Let him know that you want to meet his friends and to keep him safe. Everything can reference back to the family goals.

Help him make his own rules to be successful. For instance, bedtime during school. Help him create a bedtime that helps him be successful. Help him look into the things that impact his bedtime: How long does it take him together ready? (if he wants to sleep later, can he do something ahead of time to shorten him bedtime routine.) How many hours does he need to sleep to wake up feeling great (again, you can help him do research about hw much sleep a thirteen year old boy needs.) He won't fight you about bedtime if he is the one who decided when it should be - of course, you can discuss some flexibility. After all, we adults sometimes stay up past our bedtimes too.

If he is used to not being accountable to the family, you may have to explain why you want him to do certain things such as always letting you know where he is, checking in If he might be late, and letting you meet his friends before he can hang out. You can tell him that it is for his safety or even just for your peace of mind (after all, you knw that he is a great good who generally makes wise decisions.) you may have to assure him that he will have total freedom at some point, but you may not give it to him as quickly as he wants it - that's just your job as a parent. You want to keep them safe and not give him more freedom than he can handle. If he protests, give him a hug and let him know that parents and kids are supposed to have some struggles - otherwise, why would they ever want to leave home. At least you can talk about them.

PS. If you didn't think talking was punishment enough, I've been told, "Just give me a spanking. I don't want to have to talk about it and think about what a stupid thing I did."

This is not written terribly eloquently, but it is hard to put 20 years experience into a few paragraphs.

What Suz said, absolutely. Talk with him and work out rules WITH him. I already do this with my 10 year-old.

biggest advice I can give you is to keep the communication OPEN with him, and make sure you kow what is going on in his life. Talk, talk, talk!! Like his life depends on it!! Make sure he knows how YOU feel baout certain things, by talking, and find out where HE stands on issues. Let him know what you will do for him, (pick him up if he needs a ride from a party, etc), and make sure he knows he can come to you for anything. When he does open up and tell you something, try not to freak out and react well. It's hard, but he will be watching. I find that I do best with the big things, and have a harder time with the small nit picky things. LOL. Once he knows what you ecpect and how you feel about things, he will want tto do that and just please you. He sounds like a good kid. If he falls out of line, then you may need some rules. I would just let him know that you think the coach thing is not really the safest bet unless you meet him too, and for safety sake you are uncomfortable with him giving out his personal info on the computer. Its not really a "rule" it's just to keep him safe. You love him too much to ever let anything happen to him. Good luck! :)

I will tell you that in our grandparents raising grandchildren support groups we often have situations like this. Where we are suddenly with child...lol.

It is hard on them to make the transition and to make is smoother I suggest you take it very slow. He has not had anything to rebel against yet and you do not want to make too many rules and him start down that rebellious path.

If you get legal guardianship of him you will be doing him a good favor. It gives you the legal right to enroll him in school. To go to parent teacher conferences, to sign a permission slip for a field trip, to take him to the doc for anything. Because if you don't have legal guardianship and one of these things come up you are going to be sitting and waiting and waiting and waiting for either mom or dad to show up and give permission. No one should except any written letter or any other form of a "permission to treat" or a "I give XXX the authority to XXX in my absence" kind of letter signed by mom or dad.

These are not legal documents. There are other forms of legal consent that you can get from mom and dad that do not intefere with htheir parental rights. That means they still have full custody and all rights of their child but are giving you permission to do certain things. This would be a legally filed paper with the court system that is signed by a judge and is on file at the county courthouse.

It would legally give you the right to do those listed things. Which I would include to be enroll in school, seek medical treatment, attend school meetings and activities in their stead, and any other thing I could think of. This protects you too.

The other thing you and mom or dad can do is make a round of going to the doc's offices, the local hospitals, the school, any sports association, etc...and ask them if they have their own permission to treat forms that they keep on file and is signed by a notary they have on staff. Our local docs offices and hospitals all have their own forms and do have staff in the business office to do this at most any time. This way if he needs to see anyone in that office you already have a paper with that business on file and you have the authority to do what is needed.

Cover your bases well and things will go much smoother.

Allowing him time to adjust is a kind way to get him to conform to your standards. Talking to him about the dangers of his choices is a way to teach him about possibilities of what might happen, it teaches critical thinking. This is hard to teach an older child. You may have to read up on techniques on how to best do that with an older child but it may be he has not learned how to do that yet. It is critical that he be able to do this well. He cannot take written tests, oral tests, etc...unless he is able to think things through and reiterate what he is thinking and have the language skills too.

We have a set of house rules and a set of safety rules that apply to my kids and any kids that come over. They are posted on the door for all to see. Make the rules, and make sure he knows they are for everyone, not just him.

First of all it would take a book to write out all that you would need to know about teenagers. With kids that are 5 and 1 you have no knowledge about what lies ahead. I would get him into a good youth church group where he could start making friends and then get all of you in counseling before you make that decision to bring him into your home on a permanent basis.
This will be harder than you could ever imagine. You husband should be onboard with this too or you could sink your family ship.

Good Luck
N.