Punishment for 12Yr Old Daughter Lying to Me???

When my son lies to me, this is what happens to him. I TAKE THE DOOR OF OF HIS ROOM...... teenagers love their privacy, he is 13yrs old. Depending on the lie depends on how long the door stays off. He thinks twice about lying.

I hate lies, i use to ground him, take things away, nothing worked. Till i put in place taking off his DOOR to his room. That has worked wonders.

You deleting the account to me for this should be good enough. Just realize she may set up a new one and just not let you know. I try not to be as drastic as that but you are her parent and that's what you felt needed to happen. I usually take the computer away for a certain length of time. If it's a family computer put parental locks on it.

You already punished her. Trying to hang her up by her thumbs is NOW only to satisfy your anger. Time to stop now, mom. Deleting the email account IS a huge punishment AND consequence. If you overdo it, instead of learning the lesson, she will just resent the heck out of you and she will do more stuff behind your back just to get back at you.

You will have cut off your nose to spite your face.

you arleady gave a punnishment? that;s a really strict rule for internet use, its going to bite you in the butt. strict rules J. make kids lie. my parents had overly strict rules that in my kid mind i felt were impossible and unrealistic and i J. figured out ways to get around them.
you have to trust her at some point. why cany she use it without you over her shoulder but you have access to it?

Love:

You have already punished her. Deleting the e-mail account was harsh and swift. She doesn't need more punishment. The consequence of her lying and not following the rules was the deletion of the account. No more needs to be done on that...

You need to figure out WHY she felt the need to lie to you about it. You need to stay calm and NOT scream or yell. And you need to ask the questions....

what made you decide to log on to your e-mail account without permission?
Why did you lie about it when confronted?

Use the **I** statements - I am more upset that I was lied to....I am upset that the rules were not followed....

Stay calm. Stay cool. Allow the lines of communication to work both ways....and stay open. you DO NOT want her walking away from you at this point. You NEED her to WANT to come to you with things...especially in the teenage years.

Good luck!

Overboard. Pull back. You Are Going Down!

You need to instill disapline not punish. I promise, you are starting a war when you just wanted her to be safe. Instiling disapline means they internalize not only the rules but the reasons behind it and that gives them tools for recognizing danger when you are not in sight. Self control is something she developes over time. It's very valuable and it requires regular access to experience and consequence and yes, failure.

Right now all you've got is the illusion of control of her choices. Your anger is pretty powerful but nothing compared to the rebellion of a teen.
If you have been teaching and modeling good choices all along, she will be ok. If you have been using anger to control people, guess what goal she is striving for? Control. Give her enough rope to mess up and get up again, smarter.

Punishing kids for lying just makes them lie more, AND makes them better liars.
She's 12 years old, you need to be careful here.
You need to be talking to her, asking her why she went on when she wasn't supposed to, LISTENING to her answer, reminding her why your rules are important.
Since you shut down her email account she will probably now go set one up on her own. It's not hard to do, and she will be able to access it at school, at the library and at a friend's house.
I think you should have just taken away her computer access for a period of time, not shut her down completely. You have now created a situation where next time she will likely be more sneaky and less likely to be honest with you.
This is a time for teaching and guidance, and you are pushing her away.
Please think about that. At this age this is the last thing you want.

It's important that the punishment fits the crime and that you understand why she wanted to get on her email so desperately.

The big thing about pre-teens is that you want to keep the lines of communication open so that she will still come to you and talk to you and tell you things, ask you questions, etc. At age 12 you're setting the tone for the teen years - which offer many opportunitites for lying and rule breaking. It's their job to push boundaries and see where the line is. But it's also important to realize as we set boundaries and enforce them that rules without relationship creates rebellion.

At this age kids feel that their parents don't listen to them, don't understand and don't care about the things that are important to them. Let's face it, we know that their burning friendship problem of the day will be completely meaningless in a few weeks / months - but to them it is vitally important today. It needs to be important to us too since a relationship problem can mushroom into a social issue and your kid can make foolish decision based on a misunderstood friend problem. I suspect that she wanted to check her email because there's something brewing during this end of school time - someone's having a pool party, or a conversation last night is being discussed by friends and she wants to have a heads up before she gets to school this morning.

Ask you child why she wanted to get on email so desperately this morning - and actually listen to what she has to say. Don't interrupt (my almost 17 year old daughter tells me I interrupt ALL the time) and try to understand her world. Ask her waht she'd do if she was the mom. It's very interesting to hear their perspective. Explain to her (once again) why you have guidelines for computer use. Explain that your job is to protect her and with online capabilities the whole workd can come right into your home and that we have to protect our kids from predators that we can't even see. Then give your child some credit and ask their opinion of how to set a good internet policy in your home that will work well for everyone.

Our kids know that all internet and smartphone use is subject to audit at any time. Over the years we've had very little problem - but a few bumps and poorly worded texts, etc. We've been able to help our kids to understand why & how to handle technology best. The time will come when your teen will outpace your technological abilities and you have to be able to trust their decisioni making process. The only way to do that is to come along side them now at age 12 when you can coach, model, discuss and have a reasonable dialogue with your kid.

Good luck mama - this is the beginning of what can be a tough age. Even the best kids push back, and even the most troubled kid can be caught before going over the cliff.

I think your punishment was strict enough and that was punishment. I understand you are angry because she lied but if you drag this out and make a much bigger deal than it is... (I'm talking email logon.. not lying) then you are risking making her resent you. Don't punish her when you are angry.... that benefits no one.

She is old enough to know how to set up her own accounts and how to manage the history on the computer. Be careful about being SO VERY strict and hard set in your rules. Very strict rules with consequences such as this can easily bite you in the rear later.

Right now, she knows you are angry with her. You need to keep your lines of communication open so you two can continue to communicate because she is at the age where she needs your support, even when she has done something against your rules. You listen (don't talk) and love her. Let her tell you why she felt the need to lie. Maybe she lied because of pressure at home or school.

I know it is tough at this age. It is hard to keep the balance. You have to be the parent but you don't have to create an enemy in the process. Mutual respect.

You should have taught your kids from the time they were very little that a punishment for lying is SO much worse than a punishment for anything else.

I think deleting her email is not an appropriate punishment for this, she is 12 and needing the connection with others (not saying this is the only way to get it though).

I ask my kids to tell me the truth, I also always ask them (before they tell me) if they know the punishment for lying. They always say it will be worse than telling the truth. And I'm not kidding about that. My kids get chores when they are bad. Or I take money from their accounts and they earn it back. Or they will lose tv, outside time, computer time, arts and crafts, whatever makes them happy really.

I think deleting her email is overboard. She is 12, not 2. Give her some freedom or you're REALLY going to regret it. Trust me on this.

As she gets older much much more school work will be on the computer.
My son (8th grade) gets many of his assignments through the schools Edline account and they link him to other educational sites as well.
Eventually - and soon - she WILL be accessing the computer without an adult being present - at school and/or at home.
Granted I'm not a 'toss them in the pool and let them sink or swim' kind of parent but gradually let her access more (and use the parental controls to track what she's doing) and in a public room of the house so everyone can see the screen.
That doesn't mean she gets to keep it in her room and access it 24/7 when ever she wants - BUT - if the family computer is a lap top - it's easy enough to put it away under YOUR bed at night when ever you want to shut it down.
It's only 6 years till she's 18.
As she gets older you need to modify the rules to account for that.

There are red flags all over your post. A tween/teen without ANY access to the internet WILL FIND A WAY!!!!

Punishing her for lying will just make her lie and manipulate more. They ALL lie at one time or another. Aren't you dissappointed in her being dishonest? Don't you feel hurt that she lied to you? Those are the best topics for a discusssion about her dishonesty. Talk to her about how it undermines your trust and, as she's growing up, how important it is that you have an open and honest relationship.

You are also going to have to re-evaluate your online rules. My highschool freshman in only two years older than your daughter and she needs the internet/computer for homework almost nightly. You cannot moniter her every move forever, you need to establish trust and responsibility now so when you are not in the room she will act in a safe and respectable manner. The more you try to control, the more she will struggle for freedom. She's only 5-6 years away from adulthood, help her learn to manage herself instead of doing it for her.

Great connection between the "crime and punishment". The natural consequence for breaking a rule associated with a privilege is to lose that privilege. So ask yourself what the "natural consequence" for lying might be... to me that means that you question the trust you have put into her. Is there something she is allowed to do because you trust her? Sleepovers? Walking to friends' houses? Going to the park with friends? Figure out something that she is permitted to do because of the trust you have in her to make good decisions. Take that away and then allow her to earn it back by making responsible choices.

Hello,
Mother of five here 5, 11, 13, 15, 17. I fully appreciate and support your stance. We have had our ups and downs with technology as well. It is very intrusive and as you said, no place for children.

As to the lying. I honestly get the best results with guilt trips and brutal honesty in return. I practice what I preach. Guilt trips are awful and shouldn't be used all of the time (in my opinion). I typically ask the child if they want to change what they just said or if it is the full truth. Sometimes they change it and say sorry and sometimes they get offended, again not something I ask often but if it seems un-true I give them a chance.

For the blatant lies I bust out the guilt trips and disappointment. Yes it works on teens too, it is a slower process but they find that their heart isn't right they eventually seek to make a correction at some point. I have had major breakthroughs via guilt tripping. I constantly tell my kids they don't have to be super smart or super perfect but that they chose every day who they are and what type of person they want to be and how important knowing right from wrong is in their daily lives.

I also inform them that lying is sinful and that God knows their truths and their lies. It is a great point but for some reason is taken lighter by them. When I was a child I was scared to death to lie because I knew God knew the truth.

Lastly as I said, technology is a pain. They will always find a way around things. My husband runs our home network pretty tight because he is DoD network specialist and can do all kinds of neat things to lock it down. But we cannot control what they do at their mom's or their friends etc.

Some people firmly believe in tempting the child to see that they make the right choice and learn how to practice it on their own and others like me just feel it works best to remove those temptations fully and to explain why.

Best wishes, parenting is challenging.

I think you're overly strict. Computers are a fact of life, and of school life, and if you don't ease her into it now, she won't be able to do her schoolwork. She needs to learn how to respect boundaries without mom and dad looking over her shoulder.

I agree with most of the advice so far. 12 is on the brink of teen. You need to tread carefully here, and you can't fly off the handle every time she breaks a rule. The most rebellious kids come from the homes where the parents try to keep them on the shortest leash. Part of parenting is letting out the leash, a little at a time, so they can fall and mess up and LEARN from their mistakes.
She's only a year away from legally being able to have her own Facebook (she probably has one already and you don't even know about it) so you need to keep the lines of communication open, not push her into sneaking around and lying. The internet is a part of her life, it's everywhere and there's only so much you can do about it. Don't get hung up on her logging in one time without permission, you need to focus on the bigger picture.

Have you asked her why she signed in to her account without permission? She may have been planning a surprise for you and was contacting people in secret to plan it. She may have had homework to do and forgot to get it done.

I agree kids need supervision online but if it's only her email and not facebook or some other social networking site where a predator can 'friend' her pretending to be a peer, it sould be okay.

Updated

Have you asked her why she signed in to her account without permission? She may have been planning a surprise for you and was contacting people in secret to plan it. She may have had homework to do and forgot to get it done.

I agree kids need supervision online but if it's only her email and not facebook or some other social networking site where a predator can 'friend' her pretending to be a peer, it sould be okay.

You have a fine line to walk right now. By deleting her e-mail, you over reacted. simply changing the password for a week would have been sufficient.

Here's the thing, from a mom of 8 kids, 4 of them adults. Many, many schools actually require students to have their own e-mail and will even walk a student through setting one up. Many teachers use this as a way to communicate with their students.

There is also a difference between being proactive with your child and a computer, and protective. Sure you want to make sure they are safe but the best way to do that is to be proactive. Talking about the dangers, reminding them to not give out ANY personal info. Only talking with people/family they know. Then taking a step back, letting them find their way, and stepping in when they need is there.

My children, including my young ones one do not need to ask for permission to go on the computer, or their tablet's. I do have some parental controls, but probably a little looser then some. I periodically check the history, have yet to find anything of concern. They know that I can and will access their accounts when I feel like it, which I don't normally feel like.

IMO, the younger a child is, when they learn how to navigate the internet. The better off a parent is in the future. By the time they are teens they are capable of doing the right thing, because it is so ingrained in them it's second nature.

Remember, every time she steps out that door. There is a chance to access the internet. The question becomes...do you want to know what she is doing or will she just hide it from you...?