High School Sports Moms- Son Missed Practice to Go to a Youth Event

It's high school football, not real life.
Every choice comes with an opportunity cost. Had he chosen to go to practice, he would have lost the money he paid for the trip. By going on the trip, he lost his spot on second string.
You do what you do, and you take the consequences, good, bad, or indifferent. That IS real life.

In my opinion, he missed practice so why should he get to play when other kids who were at practice don't get to play? I admire that he's going to stick with it and I think that the coach will too. He'll get his chance!

I guess it comes down to how much does he want to devote to his sport?
Coach wants people who will be there %110 - so no, he doesn't want anyone who wants to explore anything else.
Coach has a point - he wants people who are willing to let football consume their entire life/being/conscious and unconscious thoughts - he demands nothing less that total obsession.
(I think that sort of thinking is a bit crazy myself.)

But at the same time I see this time in a young mans life as a time to sample many experiences - and choosing to cut out EVERYTHING but football is something I wouldn't want for my son.
Let him make his choices - but be ok with what ever choice he makes.

You have answered all your own questions.

You are right, "This is his life, not ours. I just want to be supportive and encouraging. I have to step back let him figure this all out."

And he said it doesn't bother him, and even better, he said, “Well I am not going to quit, I am going to stick it out.” Do you know how much more important that attitude is to his life than what team he plays on?

Your son has it right. Stop being so bothered by this. BTW, what that coach did is common.

Your son has chosen to continue despite the fact that he is discouraged. Allow him to feel discouraged, being discouraged sometimes is a fact of life, and we all have to learn to endure it. I know a kid who quit last year for the same thing your son experienced, so good for your son, for sticking it out.

Your son sounds like a great kid.

I would let him do what he wants. He is not going to play football professionally so I think the whole high school sports mentality is wacked. The word involved here is 'play' and I see no evidence that the coach has any intention that the kids play or have fun. Looks like he wants work and couldn't care less about the kids' lives or families. All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. Besides - the less he plays and practices, the greater the chance that he will avoid football brain damage - a HUGE issue - even in kids who never have a diagnosed concussion.

@ Gamma G - Christians are the only ones discriminated against? Really? Ummm, football is held here on Friday nights (high school) and Sunday afternoons - ALWAYS after church lets out. That Friday night is the Sabbath is COMPLETELY ignored. No games of any sort are EVER scheduled on Easter Sunday. Rosh Hashana and Yom Kippur - if they fall on the wrong day of the week - tough luck. The school calendar ALWAYS gives kids Christmas off. Hanukkah - maybe 40% of the time. Easter - ALWAYS included in Spring break. Passover - maybe 1/2 the time.

I think he's fine and you're fine. Of course he's not happy to get bumped to 3rd string but he seems to be coping with it. In a couple of short years this will all be a distant memory. My son is 20 and I remember getting really worked up about football issues that don't amount to a hill of beans now.

If he's 6'1 and 220 lbs he'll be back in the coaches' good graces soon enough. ;)

Personally I think football is incredibly over-rated in our society. My son and I have discussed it and we both agree that if we had it to do over we wouldn't waste the sheer volume of time that it takes for a sport which is pretty dangerous overall. My son was a good player too.

Your son sounds well-adjusted. He made a good decision to try something else for a year. Unless you're aiming for a college scholarship life is bigger than high school football.

JMO.

This is a life lesson for him. You said it.

Have you read the book "How To Talk So Kids Will Listen & Listen So Kids Will Talk?" I think it would be an extremely helpful tool for you. There's a version for parents of teens as well.

He's not looking for advice here. He's discouraged, but has a plan. That's good. Speak to that. "You seem really discouraged about this, son." (let him talk) "Mmhmm." (nod, make eye contact, encourage his independent thought) "It sounds like you have a plan." (listen) "Good deal. I'm proud of you."

Sometimes it's not about coming up with all the solutions. Sometimes we have to step back and trust that our kids can deal with the situation based upon what they already know.

My kids are in college and high school and we've been faced with the same stuff. I think it's BS personally - I love that my kids like to be involved in team sports - I think they are good at teaching life lessons, developing sportmanship and team ideals. But I also think the coaches just take things too far. Yes I understand the competition is fierce. But a teenager who will in all likelihood NOT become an NFL player and is playing for the fun of it and for comraderie shouldn't have to pretend that his is what they live for. Life is so much more than one sport.

As parents we should want our kids be well rounded - sports, academics, faith, family, friends, volunteer work, etc. Even when my son was playing PAL football in elementary & middle school when I'd pull him out of practice early one night a week for family night at our church and as a result he was sidelined longer than usual in the weekend game. I asked the coach (volunteer) about it and he said it's to prepare them for HS and college and that the other kids didn't leave practice early on Weds - I commented that yeah - beucase he (the coach) set up the practice schedule around his church's religious instruction and confirmation class schedules (which many of the kids were in).

WHen my daughter ran track she was told that during Christmas vacation she'd have to attend practice every day and there would be a track meet on one of the days. But our youth group always goes on a 5 day retreat between Christmas and New Years and the coach said she'd be kicked off the team if she went away. I let my daughter make the decision and she decided track wasn't as important and I fully backed her. He thought she was making a huge mistake but she got booted off the team. My daughter was disappointed but OK with it.

I don't have any great ideas about this other than this is one of those times when your son, who is learning how to make decisions in his life, has to evaluate what is more important to him. there's something to be said about sucking it up and dealing with the team guidelines. It teaches them that sometimes in life, things just aren't fair and we have to work around it. Sometimes we have to swallow our pride and deal with it. But if he decides to leave the team then he's deciding that the voluntary nature of the team allows him to step away from the BS if he doesn't want to deal with it. A note though - if he leaves the team this year the coach will remember it and it will be that much more of a hurdle to cross next year - so if he intends to play next year he may have to just suck it up this year.

Personally, my 15 yr old, 6'3" son no longer plays football becuase of this kind of stuff. He used to play for the fun of it - he loved the game - which is why he still plays Little League baseball. The coaches have tried to change his mind and have him play again - but he decided the arbitrary stuff is not worth being aggravated about. He doesn't love football THAT much.

Ultimately as parents of teens we have to help them look at the pros and cons of each decision and guide them in the decision making process - but at the end of the day it's all up to them. <sigh> I hate this stuff!

When we stationed in Germany, we as a family, had the opportunity to go to Paris for a weekend trip. The coach called practice for the football team. We tried to get him a waiver and the coach said no. So we had to lose the money for the son who stayed behind to practice or be put on the second squad.

When playing team sports it is sometimes hard to juggle or manage personal things as a family. Our son went the next time we went to Paris to the Air Show after Desert Shield/Storm.

Life is not fair and this is a learning experience for both of you. Your son seems to be handling it better than you. Yes he is disappointed but he understands the consequence and is dealing with it in an intelligent adult manner. Time for you to let it go as there will be more difficult challenges to come with college and such.

Have a great day.

the other S.

My daughter is a ballerina, which I know seems vastly different than being a football player, but we face these same choices. For her, ballet is her first priority, and she has turned down a LOT of fun opportunities because she dances 6 days per week, 3+ hours per day. She knows that if she chooses to go to a friend's party instead of ballet class, she is likely not to be cast in a good role when she auditions. To her, because ballet is more important to her than anything else, she will skip the party and go to ballet (she even has a t-shirt that says, "I can't, I have ballet!").

That being said, your son enjoys football, but it is not his first priority. That's fine. He has the chance to be on the team and be on the sidelines at the games. It sounds like he's okay with that, because knowing he wouldn't be able to play at the game, he still chose to go to the youth event. In order to be the very best on a big football team in a competitive program (or to be the best ballet dancer in a pre-professional studio, in my daughter's case), you have to be SO dedicated and intensely focused. Not only do you have to have been blessed with the perfect body for your chosen sport, but you then have to have had excellent training along the way, and you yourself have to be willing to forsake all other activities in order to excel. That is not for everybody! Nor should it be for everybody. Maybe football isn't really his thing - he would kind of like for it to be his thing, but it's not his thing. He will find his thing. He's only 16. His whole life is ahead of him. No need to go all-in on one sport if he's not really feeling it.

And if he IS really feeling it, and this experience has made him want to work harder and make the first team... then he will need to double down, be at all the practices, and probably work out outside of practice, too. If he wants to do it, he will find a way!

Viola,

Sorry. Unless he's got some mad skills and shines in practice - the coach has every right to "bench" him. If he wants his spot - the coach told him what he needed to do - EARN IT. He missed practice - doesn't matter he told the coach - he missed - therefore he's not as dedicated as the others.

If he wants this? He will need to work with the coach and EARN IT.

Yes. You need to let your son figure this out. He's almost an adult and doesn't need mommy fighting his battles for him. Be supportive. Your son just realized in a big way there are consequences to his decisions - even if the youth group event was great - he made a choice.

Good luck!!

i understand the disappointment, but also see the coach's POV. i'm betting your son will earn his spot back pretty quickly.
i too would have had him go away on his trip, and i think your response to it was exactly right. just keep smiling and supporting him, and this will pass in no time.
ETA it's LAUGHABLE that one poster has decided that christians are discriminated against, especially in favor of other religions. i'd love to see just one example of a kid being granted a grace period from a sport to celebrate, say, samhain, or the greater eleusinian mysteries, while christian kids were expected to show up. and yet the public community college where i teach is always closed for good friday and easter. hmmmmmm.
khairete
S.

It is a part of life and you need to let it go and focus on supporting him on getting his spot back.

This is very normal in HS sports. My daughter was in cheer for 6yrs and worked her way up to Varsity Captain. When ANY cheerleader missed designated practice, they were not allowed to dress out, participate in ANY of the send off or cheering at the game that week.

I don't know why you added your PS about negative... I saw no negative responses.

This is HIS life and he has to figure it out.

It's really not a big deal and totally to be expected. None of us can do everything we want to do or fulfill every commitment we make every day. Conflicts happen. He chose to go to the event, and now there is a reasonable consequence for that choice from his team. So he'll sit out the game, drop back to 3rd string for a while and then with continued practice and hard work, he will earn back his prior spot. Seems fair to me.

From what you write about what he said, he's not discouraged, he's accepting that his choice had consequences and he is accepting those consequences maturely. And don't let it bother you. This is life.

Your son is part of a team and the coach and his teammates need him there at practices and games. I am sure there where alot of players that gave up going away on Labor Day Weekend due to practice. It is not fair to the players that where there at practice if your son was allowed to play and choose to miss practice. He has to show his commitment to the team, while he played a different sport last year alot of kids stick to the same sport and put their time in sitting on the bench as younger classmen. It is just how it works out, I am sure if he puts in the hard work and shows his commnitment through the rest of the season he maybe moved around again.

The answer to your exact question is yes, this is a life lesson and you need to step back and let him handle it.

Yes, this is the hard part of being a parent. We want to make it all better. We want to step in and fix things.

But he is a young man now. He knows the rules. Everyone has to follow the rules, no exceptions.

His priorities will become clearer and clearer to him as he has these experiences and has to make tough choices. Each time he chooses a sport, an activity, a group, a job, a college in the future, he is going to ask a lot more questions and be able to realize the consequences and responsibilities. He has now learned that his choices really can have an impact on his life.

I hope he gets the opportunity to actually be in charge of a group of people soon. That is when you all of a sudden realize, when someone makes a commitment to a group, but then cannot or just does not follow through, what it does to the group and its leader.

When I was in charge of projects, groups, clubs, etc. To me, it taught me not to agree to something if I was not completely devoted to it, or was not going to be able to live up to expectations.

Gosh it took me until I was in my 40's to even be able to ask for help!
Hang in there mom. I know you are on his side, but realize he made this choice and based on the rules, it will be up to him to try to get back to the position he really wants. This is a safe environment for him to make it happen.

Every decision you make has consequences and your son is getting schooled in that by his coach right now. It stinks but you are being a wise mama to step back and let him make this own choices. A lot of parents would run to the coach and complain so I tip my hat to you for not being 'that' parent.

I think the best thing you can do at this point is to let him know that you don't care if he's on the 1st team or the 3rd. You are proud of him for sticking it out and not quitting when things didn't go his way. You are raising quite a fine young man and if he continues to have that stick it out attitude he'll go far in life. As we all know life is hard and sticking it out in the hard parts is the toughest part of all.

My daughter is 16 too. We had to plan our family vacations around her Theatre meetings. She made sure she knew when they were at the end of the school year. Her dedication was rewarded though. Although she is only a junior, she was made president this year, a position that is traditionally given/earned by seniors.

All actions have consequences. It sounds like your son has the right attitude. Let him handle it.

FYI... My daughter was on a summer swim team when she was 8-9. Same rule applied. If she missed practice on meet day or the day before she could not compete but was expected to go to the 5hour long meet.

He made his choice and he had to know it could have consequences. It sounds like he understands that and is working to improve his standing with the team. Even if you think he is the best on the team, the coach has to decide who is first/second/third string, and missing practice does not show a huge level of commitment, so now he needs to prove that it was a one time thing and he is fully committed to the team. IF he rides it out and does his best maybe he will make first string next year.

Frankly, the whole who go to play and favoritism thing was part of why my stepson dropped football and ultimately focused on a PT job and AP classes. He was not first string and he wasn't going to rely on a football scholarship. Due to our custody schedule, there were games and practices he missed, even though we tried our best to get him there. By his junior year, when he'd given up a lot to attend everything, and kids who started practice later than he did got to play more, he decided he was done.

Your son should consider either talking to the coach about what he can do or leaving the team and doing something else. The coach asked him back, but if the coach isn't going to use him, what is your son there for? If he's going to stick it out, then he should definitely ask the coach how to get back to 2nd team, IMO. And then back off and support whatever choice your son makes.

Stop with the this is not fair, it is. Instead focus on earning his place back.

If he is a good player all this is is his warning to step back and question whether this is what he wants, whether he is committed. He answers through hard work.

My older daughter played sports all through high school. I hated picking her up from things like retreats but that was her level of commitment. She was always there for practice or she wouldn't play. Still if she has chose something over practice she would have expected to earn back her starting position.

Yes, life lesson, and he's plenty old enough to learn from it. Part of being an adult is making choices and facing the consequences of those choices. I am sure next time he wants to go to something he will look at the football schedule FIRST to make sure there's not a conflict.

It sounds like the coach had the appropriate reaction to the situation. And your son has the appropriate attitude (not giving up)- you should be proud of him. The consequences of not being at practice will be a hard lesson learned, and I'm sure he will earn his way back with determination. But on this, you have to sit it out and let him work through the consequences. He will be better for it in the end. Best of luck to you and your son!

In our high school, similar rules apply. If you miss a practice, you skip the next game.

My daughter is 11 and has been competitively dancing for 6 years now.She knows she has to have approval to miss a practice, and sometimes that means she has to give up other things - or the whole family does. It's what we signed up for and we recognize that. The studio owner is very accomodating and really tries not to make people miserable, but one person missing can mess everyone up. Before we sign her up for a new year, we make sure she understands the sacrifices she will have to make for this activitty...this year will be worse since she took on two additional routines!

My boys play football, baseball, and basketball. They have missed practices, but we always get theirs excused as well. If they just don't show up, they expect to not play that weekend.

I'm sorry because I know this is hard, but your son made a mistake and needs to deal with it. We have come home early from vacations for holiday practices and even last year cancelled a FREE weekend get away because of a competition that was last minute.

So I guess what I'm saying is, I understand that your son is upset, but I get what the coach is doing. Let your sone handle it...he needs to learn how to deal with this and now is as good of a time as any.

there should have been some sort of communication about what practices are mandatory and which might not be. There should have also been communication as to what the consequences would be. Its no question that sports mean commitment and sacrifice. Missing one game sucks but it is not the end of the world. It is a natural consequence for missing practice. The most important thing he can control is his attitude. Coaches notice and it can go alooooong way. He can ask his coach what he can work on to improve his performance and improve his chances. As far as missing the one game he simply made a choice and there are consequences BOTH positive and negative for the choices we make. It is a great life lesson to him. It doesnt mean you have to stand back. You can give him support and encouragement and advice. But yeah dont get involved with the coach.

Do you know how he is actually playing at practice? Maybe he is a bit rusty. Coaches usually want the best players in the top positions. There must have been a reason why. I know with my kid's sport, it's all based on performance. Do the coaches offer any one on one practice (something like a private lesson)...this might be a way for them to see that he is serious and they can really assess his ability one on one.

I'm going to assume "youth group" is through church. If he will miss anything else due to youth group, I would ask your youth director to email the coach directly who is going to miss an event due to an activity. Our youth director talks directly to the school and coaches. Some of the coaches do not penalize the players and some pull them from starting - just depends on the coach.
I would continue to let him make that choice. It wouldn't surprise me if he was moved to 3rd string just for this one game.

My daughter dances -- not competitive dance team but ballet. It is a very serious program and the kids are expected to be at all classes and all rehearsals; however, the studio directors have the sense not to schedule something like a rehearsal on a holiday. There are classes on some holidays (Columbus Day, for instance) but they know better than to put them on a day like Labor Day -- when traditionally MANY families travel, at least around here. If this were in our area, a ton of kids would have missed that practice your son missed. Would coach bust them all down to another team?

I question whether this coach was using the Labor Day practice as either (1) a crude way to test players' commitment: "If they don't come today they aren't committed enough!" or (2) a way to make up required practice time he should have had them doing earlier and HE failed to do.

Either way, I would keep a close eye on whether this coach is going to be a "Football is your life now" type of coach or if he recognizes that families have lives. Yes, we have given up many things for our child's main activity (which takes as many hours a week as most sports and competitive dance, believe me). We have not done trips, she has missed activities at Girl Scouts and even at school, BUT we also have had times when -- with advance notice from us to the studio -- she has missed dance events, even rehearsals (rarely) for something very important; it has to be truly important, like a graded participation in something outside the school day, for her to miss a rehearsal - but we'll do it.

What really would trouble me in your shoes is this: Was the "youth event" a church-related event? That's what that term would mean to me. If your son is expected to put his own religious growth behind football -- that's a red flag. For reasons of safety and preparedness, of course the coach can deny your son a slot in the next game if he misses a practice, but busting him down to the lower team for missing a single practice -- IF you notified the coach in advance -- smacks of pure punishment for not giving football top priority over church and family.

I see a lot of arrogant sports coaches and dance teachers; fortunately not at our studio. There is an expectation now that when a kid, especially a teenager, is involved in an activity the kid must treat it like a pre-professional and put it ahead of everything else. Sorry, but religion and graded schoolwork come first. The vast majority of the time, there usually won't be a conflict. But when there is, especially when you have tried your best to work things out so a child can be at the activity to which they're committed -- it's pathetic to see adult coaches who treat kids like dirt for daring to do anything other than the coach's chosen sport or activity.

Well, you can't tell us how to answer and get good answers.

First of all, the required practice on a legal holiday is wrong. I'd let the principle know that you don't appreciate having to put off holiday plans to suit the coach. There isn't any need for teachers to hold required practices on legal holidays.

I'd also toss in that penalizing him for a religious reason is against the law. I bet you money of a kid from a different religion, other than Christianity, couldn't be at practice due to a religious event the coach would give them every support and not penalize them at all. It's Christians that are discriminated against most because we don't stand up for ourselves and demand equal respect.

I'd be in the coaches office that his practices on legal holidays is against school policy and should be voluntary at most.

Then I'd leave it alone.

His ability to play or not play should rest on his own shoulders.

AND if the missed practice wasn't on a legal federal holiday but a regular day I'd expect him to be penalized for missing. Having practice on a legal holiday annoys me. It should have been voluntary if held at all. Going to church is a life long thing, playing high school football for fun...not to try to get on the college team for the scholarship, is for fun. If he was planning on trying to get into college on a football scholarship then he needs to buckle down and work his way back up.

I think what he is doing is right. He wants to stick it out and says he is not going to quit...good for him!

This is an obvious punishment that says, you cannot miss practice. If he didn't play last Friday, he may not play often. It doesn't seem they are rotating them. What he is learning right now takes place during practice and he is (and has) learning that you must be there for all practices.

I say, let him be.

It seems rather petty of the coach to do something like that... I wonder if your son really did let the coach know. My son regularly tells me he talks to the teacher/coach and then I find out he didn't. Honestly, if he's on 3rd team and has other stuff he'd rather do, I would let my son quit football.
Good luck.

Is there something in the regulations that kids have to have a certain number of hours of practice before playing in games? I know some states require that.