Returning to the Dating Scene.

a good friend of mine lost the father of her 3 children last year. they are 15 12 and 10. it has been a hard transition for only the middle daughter. the other 2 took right to her boyfriend and they have been dating for 3 years. she has gone out of her way to let her kids know that they will never have another dad but that she may have another husband. it has gotten a lot better with time but nothing will ever soothe your children from the loss of their father. you can not stop dating or your life because your children have a different way of coping.

Just a little perspective from the child's point of veiw here... I remember when my mom started dating the man I would later call dad. I pulled his hair and teased him. I was generally jealous that he was taking time with my mother away. Especially when she was so nice to him, but annoyed by me. Later, animosity was caused by the fact that my mom tried to act like my natural father never existed; so I tended to idealize my natural father and dislike my "dad" more, not understanding it was not my "dad's" fault-- but my mom's longing for a standard nuclear family with no outside influences. What she did wrong was try to replace my natural father and fail to make sure I knew that my well being was the most important thing to her. It's true that your mate may be with you for life, but if they are hurting your children, they aren't worth the time (of course). I think you should date. I would take things very slowly... be leary of men who aren't mature enough to do so. I think if it gets serious and you fully trust the new mate (I hope you aren't introducing your dates to her too soon and back ground checks aren't a bad idea) you should make sure that your daughter understands that no one can ever replace her father. She needs a full explanation as to the role this man will play in her life. And you need to stick to it. I would explain that the new man may help you raise her (be an authority figure in your home) and that he loves her (hopefully) but that she doesn't have to call him dad unless she feels like it. Let her feel what she needs to feel. But you need to live your life as well... as long as you are doing your job as a mom and looking out for her safety, all will work out in the end. My natural father didn't die, but he's been absent since I was about 3 years old... with occasional conact. I later learned that my "dad" was as good as I was going to get in a father. And I respect him for respecting my boundaries... I didn't really bond with him until I was 12 or 13.

Not dating because of the kids is about the equivalent of staying together for the kids. neither is healthy to you as an adult and your attitude and mental health filter down to the kids. When I started dating again, my daughter was much younger and didn't really mind. my DH on the other hand had a 9 y/o. The best approach we found through our combined dating experience was to make your dating life private and seperate from your kids. When you find someoen who you get serious about and start thinking about making a life with, then it is time to bring the kids into it and start building a family. It's too confusing for the kids if they start likeing soemone and then they leave (just like dad). Hope that helps!

I just wanted to second the not introducing the man until you are serious. It is hard enough on kids in general but harder when there has been a loss like that I think.
I would not say wait until your 5 year old "ok's" it. You have to live your life too. Maybe you will meet a man who has lost his wife you never know and he would have special understanding. Just be sure the guy understands his role if you get serious and pay special attention to how he is with the children too, that seems like a given but having worked with various nonprofits and the state, I know that many abuses happen at the hands of men who are not our childrens' fathers so do be careful.
Best of luck to you :)
L.

Hi- I haven't been in this situation, but I think that if you choose to date, I would not let them around the children. They still miss their dad I'm sure, so having them meet someone that they may begin to like and then you stop dating them for some reason, they would suffer a form of loss again. I think you should be discreet in your dating until you find someone that you are serious about. Do you know what I mean? I hope this helps!
J.
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I was about 5 years old when my mother started dating. I did everything that my little 5 year old mind could think of to drive the new boyfriends away. Bringing out photos of my dad and refering to him after every question they asked me. In my mind I had a valid reason for not liking them. Then when I finally liked one, they would break up. This went on for 6 years, then finally, my mother stopped introducing me. I wouldn't know when she was going on a date. She would coordinate it so I was sleeping over at a friends house or at my grandmother's house. And she didn't finally introduce me until she knew she was serious. I met my step-father right before they were engaged (I was a little resentfull of that since I thought I was older and more mature by then).
I don't know if this really gives you any help, but I thought it might help to see the 5 year old perspective :-) Good Luck!

Hi D., I think its fine to start dating again, you need to be happy too.The 5 yr old is acting out to deter any men from coming into the family cause he/she is scared that they will lose you or your attention in a sense. Please be careful though, there are real weirdos out there! Good Luck

Hi.
My best friend is in her mid-30's and has been a single mom of 2 for about 14 years now. She was always hesitant to bring guys around her kids for all the reasons we hear about: them getting attached, jealosy, etc. So she never did. As far as her kids know, this current boyfriend is the first one she's had since the divorce. lol Her kids are teenagers now and she has brought her boyfriend home for dinners, family activities, hanging out.

I'm a single mom of a 4year old boy. My bf's youngest (a 9th grader)told me to start dating in front of my son now, to get him used to it b/c she said it's hard to deal with it as an older kid. Basically b/c she never considered it. She gets along ok with the boyfriend, but he's not her fave person. I understand my bf's point of view, she was protecting her kids. However, I don't want my son to resent someone I might bring home.

Currently, I'm not dating and not really looking, but if something does develop, I'd make sure it was pretty serious before I introduced my son to my "date". I have several male friends, so I don't know that my son would notice anything different unless I had someone spend the night (HA!) or we made out in front of my son (double HA).