Relocating - Denver,CO

Why are you moving and destabilizing your daughter's life more for a guy who has not committed completely to you? You're not married. Your main concern should not be to date and "get some" but should be to make her life as stable as possible. So many moves and so many men won't help any. I don't think you should go. I think you are being very selfish. Her life is where she is at right now...with her mother AND her father, as well as her school and friends. If you want to go with him, give her to her father so she'll have at least something stable to hold on to.

Hey there,

I just wanted to let you know that we moved around a lot growing up and I loved it! I also know that when my mom and dad seperated - temporarily - the lawyers told my mom that moving out of state would guarantee she would not have custody of us kids. She moved back (they eventually got back together :)). But I wanted to warn you that I do not think you should leave without having a court visitation schedule set up, and I also think you should get joint custody in writing from the court. Because when you make your final move you want to still have her half of the time. I know it will be hard - but it should be easier since your ex has already agreed to a visitation schedule for the Texas move. I hope this kind of helps you out and I definitely understand what you are feeling!

K.

Your ex has to give his permission to have her out of state, if he wants to fight it, he will and can.
Seperating her due to a boyfriends move isn't fair to him or her. Seems like you all have a great plan but I can tell you co parenting between states is very hard to do and hard on the kids.
My ex moved out of state to Texas, so I know first hand. If it is temporary, I say you have a long distance with your boyfriend and stay here with your daughter. Sorry that isn't what you want to hear but I can tell you that the child's needs should be first and foremost. Not having your daughter with you for several months at a time will be very hard on you and your daughter. Kids need both parents if that can happen. If it is short term I would stay put and work around it with your boyfriend by flying there every other month or something but don't penalize your daughter or her father.

It is very possible (actually probable) that the move without the child will be held against you by the Court. As this is a temporary move for your "guy", if your goal is to maintain custody of your daughter, you should stay put. It sounds as if dad is a good dad and she would be fine with him as her custodial parent. You have to decide if you can live with that. If you choose to move, then I am glad to see that you put the best interests of your daughter first as a good parent should. If you were my client, legally, I would tell you the truth and your move to be with a boyfriend will be an impediment should your child's father attempt to fight you when you try to restore custody back to you. If Dad were my client, I would use it against you.

I want to say how SHOCKED I am by just how negative people are being, a commitment isn't from a piece of paper, that is legality and even that can't protect you when things go wrong. She is thinking of her DD which is why she made a very tough decision to allow her DD to stay with dad until the summer, why is it if the mom isn't the one giving up everything in her life she becomes a selfish person? But as a society we see no problem with men doing it all the time?

So her is my 2 cents, leave DD w/ her Dad, get something in writing that states once you are in a permanent location that custodial rights will be returned back to you w/ visitation the same as it was before or maybe even tweak it a little to give the dad a bonus for being such a supportive father! ANYTHING is possible if you really want it, talk with your DD she sounds old enough to at least have a say in where her future is going, kids adjust fine so long as the adults in their lives make the transition easy on them and when they can see love and support from both sides the "changes" aren't so rough. Good Luck L. to you and your family!

You should NOT move to TX (or anywhere else) with your guy. Your daughter's need for her dad (and his need for her) should be more important than your relationship with some other guy. If you decide to move anyway, your daughter should be allowed to stay with her dad and near the rest of her family. I hope you will consider what is best for your daughter, regardless of your "happiness." (Besides, doing what is best for your daughter, in spite of your feelings to do otherwise, is a sign of maturity and good parenting, and will be what makes you truly happy in the long run.)

This is definitely a hard thing you are going through.But my main concern would obviously be your daughter. Personally,I think it is wrong to take her away from her family and her father this young. When you fell in love and married again, your new husband knew he was getting a package. Frankly,though I know it is not what you want to hear, I think she should stay here until she is older. Of course,another option would be to sit down and talk to her and ask her what her thoughts are. Perhaps they will be different then you imagine. As a military brat, I can say that traveling the world was educational and fun, but being taken away from my Grandmother was tramatic and I never forgave my parents for it. I love them, but have never had closure with the resentment I felt about that. Be very careful when it comes down to it.

I agree with the others. Children first. Without a legal commitment of marriage, this boyfriend has no ties. I'm sure he's a great guy and may someday be a great husband, but your daughter is first. It would be completely unfair to her to move her. I have a friend who made the hardest choice I can imagine in this situation (15 years ago). She and her ex lived in the same town and shared 50/50 custody. They got along well and followed the rules of the divorce. However, when she remarried and moved to CO, she took a hard look at her life and an even harder look at herself and realized that her son would have a more stable life if he stayed with his father. So he did. They worked out arrangements civilly so that she would see her son at every possible opportunity. Fast forward: her son just turned 17. He is a very well adjusted child, social, bright, fits in and not too traumatized by his life. He understands and loves his mother (she has probably moved 10+ times in his lifetime) for who she is--a good person who made a hard choice to do the right thing for her child. They have a very close relationship and always have. They are open and honest with one another. Bottom line: my friend and her (first) ex-husband decided together to do the right thing for this beautifiul child they created. He remarried and their son lives with his dad still. While it wasn't always perfect, it was the best thing under the circumstances.
I hope you understand the long term consequences of the very hard choice you are about to make. Think about that daughter you have and what you want for her.

My thoughts on courts and all. The father wants to control you and her. I wouldn't of told dad. You left him for a reason. Her growth a person is more important and by seeing other places and things is. Does your divorce say you can't take her with you? If it does, you ex-husband is very controlling still sorry that is how I see it. You need to have this resolved soon.

L.,

You need to review your divorce decree to see what the terms in your decree are relating to visitation and moving out of state. You may also want to visit with your attorney. Some visitation provisions may require you to modify your divorce decree.

Linda

Personally, I don't think it is right to take her way from her dad for an extended period of time. Especially if he wants to be in her life. It is unfair to him and her. You new DH is not a replacement for the real thing. I think you have one of two options:
1. Stay behind in Co. while you DH works in Tx, for you daughter to be able to habe both her parents. Think of it as a deployment.
2. Leave you daughter hear with her dad, since he is not the one trying to move to another state. If you would rather be with you new DH then have you daughter with her daddy, then you can leave, but it's not fair to rip her away from her dad for your own reasons.

I like the idea of her coming with you for the summer and back with pa for the school year, that is a GOOD solution for this problem. And it is fair for both parents involved and also keeps stability for your daughter.

When the move is permanent, you have some tough choices to make. Your DH might have to not take the job, or you'll have to leave the baby girl. With blended families (I am a child of one) things like this come up, but the important thing is to keep the best interest of the child in mind. Not what you want, or what is most convenient for the adults, or even what makes you happy. You daughter needs her dad closer than hundreds of miles away.

As for the court penalizing you for moving, that is very possible. With my parents divorce decree they could live no more than 30 miles away from eachother, or else the parent that did not violate the dicree gor full custody until the other party came back. You will have to check with your lawyer.

Wow, you sure do post unpopular questions!! I remember reading your other question that really riled people up! That said...

The best thing to do would to get a lawyer involved. You CAN be penalized for going out of state and coming back and then trying to get primary custody. Any verbal agreement won't work in court. If it comes down to you moving permanently, you would need the court to order that she gets every school holiday with you, and most likely you and your ex will have to split the expense. Also, it sounds like he is a caring father, but there's the possibility that he could petition the courts for primary custody even while you're gone. He could use the excuse that you "abandoned" your daughter and he wants to keep her from being "abandoned" again and the "instability" her mother would cause by her moving out of state. Try to get it sorted before you leave. There's a lot of free law advice out there that can help you now.

i can't imagine moving and not taking my daughter with me. That is going to tough. So, you will have your step children with you and not your daughter?

You need a lawyer and a counselor. You should do what's best for your daughter. I personally don't think it's good to move kids around a lot. I also think it's good to be close to extended family. But I also think children need to be with their mom. Tough one. I hope you and your ex come up with a good compromise.

First i will say, i think it is ridiculious how many people ridicouled you on this question. You obviosly were thinking of your daughter here, and didnt give in to a custody battle to get her to come with you, and that is wonderful. In your post you say you have talked to her father, but you never mentioned what she wants? talk to her, she may only be 5 but she has feelings about everything i am sure. Now I say this becuase i married my daughters father when she was 5, and he had just joined the army. We grew up both in the same place our whole lives, and then moved away from her entire family to germany. She did fine, but i will also say we are moving again and it will be her 4th move in 4 years, and she is pleading it be the last one. So always talk to her, which im sure you do.
Now to get to the point, as long as you have reglar visits, and contact with her when she is with her father, the courts shouldnt punish you for it. Unless of corse you give up joint custody. I would not do this!!! Also i would just keep a note of all the times you do visit her, she visits you phone calls emails ect. Because chances are if her dad didnt want her to leave now, he probally wont in the future either. So prepare yourself for a custody battle then, and make sure you hear her opion on the matter as well.

You should stay with your daughter. I hate to sound judgemental, but Your child is first. If this was your husband, it would maybe be different. I read a lot of posts that say "my step children", these are not your stepchildren. Until you are married, they are your boyfriends kids. If your guy is not willing to do a long distance relationship with you and doesn't mind having you leave your child, I would rethink just how much he loves me back. Your child should always be put before your boyfriend. I don't now why your daughter's father wouldn't want her with him. Of course the courts are going to think twice about you running off with your "guy". Where are his kids going to be, with you or their mother. How is your daughter going to feel about this? Sorry if this is not the comfort you where looking for, but think of your child first.

Hi L. - wow! some pretty potent opinions here!! Yikes.

You are correct to be concerned about how the court may look at your move out of state. A lot of it depends on how you have set up the custody agreement. I would recommend getting advice from a good attorney and to definitely not relinquish any parental rights in any way while you are in TX and while she is in CO.

Best of all things to you and your daughter.

Don't move. It will make your ex mad, and it may begin a long line of trips to court. Trust me a mad ex is the worst thing in your life. You need to keep the relationship with your ex as amiable as possible. Letting your ex have your daughter, even for the schoolyear, will make him realize he wants her all the time, and that could lead to court, too. Don't mess with the status quo as long as it's working. Another thing to think about, if your ex has (or gets) another girlfriend/wife, she will probably convince him to keep your little girl (full custody), because she will make you out to be the devil and herself to be the saint. It's always the other woman you've got to keep in mind and protect yourself from.

Judges think agreements (without lawyers) are trash, they don't hold up in court even if both parties admit to agreeing to it. If you do anything, hire a female lawyer (they're better at fighting for YOUR rights than a man lawyer).

My mother moved me around a lot when I was growing up. The moves were always for some reason based around herself and her own desires. Because of this, I had a very unstable life and it was difficult...and I did suffer even though people constantly like to say that children are resiliant. If you can offer your daughter stability, I say do it. This guy, in love or not, is simply a boyfriend. Keep your priorities straight...do what's best for your daughter rather than doing what you want for yourself.

Lorelie,

A lot depends on your divorce decree. Does it cover either of you moving? What is your current custody situation - are you primary with ex having visitation, or is it 50/50. If you are the primary parent and choose to leave her here with her dad, you will likely lose primary custody should you decide to try to move out of state with her at a later time.

While I think that you believe you are doing the right thing by letting her stay in CO where her friends and family are, the courts likely will decide that she does belong here. You will of course be allowed to move wherever you choose, but your daughter will likely remain in CO with your ex and you will have parenting time with her (summers, vacations, etc). It will be hard to convince a court that it is in her best interest to relocate when you have already shown that you believe it is not in her best interest to move away from all she knows.

I'm not going to judge you - only you can decide what is best. But in essence you are choosing your relationship with your partner over being a fulltime mother to your daughter. I'm sure that was not an easy decision, but you need to also think through how your daughter will feel, if not now then later in life, knowing that you chose your husband over your child.

Not something I would do, but then again I'm not in your situation. I think something you might want to consider is staying in CO with your child and flying to TX often to see your partner, especially if this move is only temporary. Your daughter will likely resent you for choosing to be iwth your step children over her.