Religion Issues with My Own Mother

Your daughter could go to church with her grandmother a thousand times, but that doesn't mean she'll be raised in the Catholic faith. That's up to YOU, her parent. I was raised Catholic. Now I have spiritual beliefs, but they have nothing to do with any organized Western religion. My FIL is a devout Muslim. So when my kids were young, I got it from both sides. My parents asking when I was going to baptize my kids, my FIL asking to take the kids to the mosque. I made it clear early on that 1) we were not raising them with any specific religion because that would be hypocritical of me - I personally do not believe, so I'm not pushing it on my kids 2) THEY, the grandparents, were welcome to take my kids to any mosque, church, temple, shrine that they wanted, I LOVE the idea of exposing my children to various religions and viewpoints and I LOVE the idea of the grandparents sharing a very personal experience with my children and bonding over it. I even sent my kids to Jewish pre-school, my one daughter to Catholic school for K and 1st and they've all been to a number of Islamic functions at the Mosque. But ask them what religion they are and they'll tell you: none. Here's what I've told my children: "Your grandfather is Muslim, we are not. But when you go to Mosque with him, you WILL be respectful and you WILL behave appropriately, same goes for when you're in a Church or Temple. I will not tolerate you being disrespectful in another person's house of worship." It's worked out just fine and I feel that there's been no undue influence on them by the grandparents since I'M the MAIN influence in their lives.

I was also raised in the Catholic church (as was my husband) and am not religious. We don't practice any particular religion, don't go to church etc... I totally hear what you're saying.

I would consider though, how you want your daughter to become educated about religion. Religion is unavoidable and questions involving religion come up especially as kids get older, enter school, have different sets of friends...(I don't know how old your daughter is).

I'm currently reading a book called "Parenting Beyond Belief". You might take a look at that just t get another perspective. If your Mom was taking her to church every Sunday it would bother me, but the random Sunday morning service that your daughter attends doesn't necessarily constitute raising her in the Catholic church... and they don't have to be your beliefs or hers (your daughters). But educating her about the beliefs of all people allows her an opportunity to choose what she wants to believe and give her information that will prepare her for religious questions and subjects later on.

My kids come home asking questions about what they hear at school. I tell them that different people believe different things. "What I believe is this... " and I use it as a teachable moment to open communication about it. I don't know... I used to be really against teaching my kids about anything having to do with organized religion, but it's so prevalent. I feel like it's a disservice to them not to provide them with information... how else can they make an informed decision about what they believe?

Good Luck~

I was raised in a nonsecular home, so I wonder if my suggestion is even applicable to your situation...

I suspect your Mother already knows how you feel about practicing Catholicism. It seems that it is an integral part of her life and one that she raised you with intentionally. It seems, from your description, that the absence of Catholicism in your life would be obvious to someone who raised you with it. Perhaps she is trying to avoid conflict, respect your wishes/be respectful of your wishes, OR is in denial about it?

Either way, it seems like IF she were going to bring it up, she would have already done so before your marriage, when you were pregnant or when she was expecting you to baptize your daughter. So, if it is going to be brought up, it seems likely that you will have to start the conversation.

This appears to be a very, very important issue for you. I am trying to liken it to a (sort of) parallel situation; if someone is a vegetarian and is raising their family in the same way, and their mom brought their daughter to outback steakhouse every Sunday, and gave their daughter a prime rib, the parent of the daughter would probably feel upset. Now, I might feed my children meat, but that's not to say that someone else shouldn't. I know, though, that some get very upset about such matters. "WHY don't you feed your child BEEF! HOW could you do her the disservice of not provide COMPLETE nutrition and protein. There is NO way a child can be healthy without MEAT," they might say. And in response, "there are many different and complete sources of protein. I respect your wish to put animal products into your body. I have researched and thought about my decision. I have spoken to a nutritionist. My daughter will be meat free and healthy - and when she is older she can decide for herself."

So, from that perspective, I would suggest you bring it up to your mom in the most loving, respectful manner possible.

You obviously love your mom and want her to have a relationship with your daughter - and that seems like a good place to start and end the conversation. You simply don't want your daughter to go to church and, while it's likely your mom will take offense to that (since her friends and faith are within those walls), it's important to you that she does not. If it's possible, I suggest staying away from attacking her and her faith. Own your feelings and experience and explain that you respect her religious practice but don't want it for yourself or your daughter. Speak from a place of peace, confidence and respect.

Personally, I like the idea of my children getting to experience different cultures and religious ceremony, so I would be thrilled if a friend took them to pray at a synagogue, mosque, temple or church. I imagine that if I were devout Catholic/Jewish/Hindu/Buddhist/Athiest I would feel the same, but I really don't know because I'm not.

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I dont see what the big deal is with your daughter occasionally going to church with her grandma. My parents, one of which was an athiest, had me go to church with my grandma when she would visit. She was catholic also. Grandmas love that stuff! My MIL always wants to show off her granchildren to all her friends. It may be a little boring for a kid, but I am glad my parents had me go. It gave me that time with my grandma doing something she enjoys. It isnt like they are cramming "you must believe this or you are going to Hell" down her throat. It is just a service.
Take a deep breath, and let her go once, and see how it goes. I would talk to your mom about your feelings.

Your child is going to be exposed to Catholocism because your mother is Catholic. That is a fact. You DON'T have to raise her as a Catholic.

You're going to have to the conversation about your different views on faith sometime. I know you want to avoid a confrontation, but the best way for YOU to do that is to get yourself to a place where YOU don't feel confrontational about it. Your mom may be upset, but if you're comfortable with your decision, you may not feel as defensive about it.

You have to decide what is more important and/or uncomfortable for you - dealing with the issue directly and talking to your mom, or dancing around Saturday night/letting your daughter go to church with Grandma. It's all your call.

I'm not a catholic either, and not a huge fan of catholicism, but your daughter attending church with your mother occasionally does not equate to her being raised in the faith. It just shows her what her grandma believes and how she supports those beliefs. I'm sure your mom does love to show off her granddaughter. When my mom was alive, there was nothing better to her than my two daughters. She loved to take them around town and show them off. She was so proud of them. Your mom's friends probably are all at church if she's been going there for years. There are worse places your mom could be taking your daughter.

Honestly I dont think it will hurt your kid to go to church with your mom. You changed when you got older and your daughter will make her decision when she gets older too. Just tell her you dont want your daughter involved to the point of first communion and any of that, but you dont mind her attending as long as she's enjoying attending. When your daughter tells you she doesnt want to stay on Saturday night because she doesnt like going to church with Grandma, THAT's when you can make that stand. It could be a lot worse, she could be taking your daughter to the bowling alley on Friday nights, kicking back a few drinks, cussing and carrowsing :)

Go with #2.

I'm in your boat (parents are devout - I want nothing to do with the Catholic church). That said, my parents take my kids with them when there is an overnight. I don't feel like my kids are learning Catholicism. They go *maybe* 4x/year. So unless this is a regular thing with your mother, I think you're a bit overboard in your protest to the situation.

Why don't you just tell your parents that you are not raising your daughter Catholic if you really don't think they have figured this out already? Wouldn't the absence of a baptism as an infant have been a GIANT CLUE that you are not raising her Catholic? Assuming they get that, what's the problem? Are you looking for some kind of religious showdown? I highly doubt that they didn't notice the absence of a baptism and your lack of church attendance, along with the lack of a church marriage. I'm guessing that they are not stupid and are actually respecting your choices.

As for attending church, let her. My husband and I are different religions (Catholic and Jewish) and we have attended services, along with our children, at each others houses of worship. Exposing your daughter to religion isn't harmful - just tell her that her grandparents are Catholic and one part of Catholic is going to church on Sundays. You and she are not Catholic so you don't normally go to church, but if Grandma wants to take her and show her off to her friends and community, there's no harm in it.

I don't mean to be disrespectful but unless there is more to the story here and your parents make nasty disrespectful comments or bring up questions to you that you avoid, then it sounds like the issue is one-sided. Explain your position if it makes you feel better, but I doubt you're telling them something that they haven't already figured out.

I am Catholic. So are my parents. With all negative and disgusting and sadly true info. I understand you don't want to raise your daughter cayholic. I believe children should be raised with some type of religion. It doesn't have to be Catholic.
As far your mom watching your daughter. Do you trust your mom...and dad. Do they have good Judgement? Are they good with your daughter. They relationship a child has with grandparents I believe is a very important relationship.
Your mom taking your daughter to church I would let her. I would never stop the sleep overs. It would be so sad for your daughter not to have that special relationship with your parents..her grandparents. Everone benefits when you have lots of people to love your child.
Let taking your daughter to church be your moms thing.

I don't think you can evade the issue forever, and as long as you do, your mom will never know what your wishes are. And you'll have more and more awkward moments where you don't know exactly what to say.

Have that talk with you mom. You'll probably have to have it in stages, because whatever you say in your first discussion will quite likely raise questions and arguments for her. That's okay; it's how we work our slow and awkward way toward clarity.

When you talk to her, do your best to keep your focus on what you DO want for your daughter, rather than what you don't want or reject about your mother's religion, because that will probably only trigger feelings of defensiveness, anger and despair in your mom. Once those feelings rise up, it's hard to keep listening. So try to keep it on the level of what you need, and why.

You may be surprised to discover that once these issues have been worked through (expect it to take weeks or maybe months), you may well have less negativity about your daughter occasionally visiting your mom's church with her. I personally don't think it harms young children to expose them to a variety of faith walks.

Your child will eventually have questions about what she hears in church and frm friends, or questions about religion(s) in general, and those will be teachable moments that allow you to explain what you believe and why. It does not mean the church will suck your daughter in and hold her prisoner. And if religion seems to her like a subject she can't or shouldn't bring up at home, she'll seek her answers elsewhere. So be proactive!

And some day she will need to choose for herself whether to be involved in a formal religion. It will help if the subject is not too taboo for your family to discuss calmly. Without that exposure, some religion or other may develop a romantic allure that neither you or your daughter will necessarily recognize as such.

In summary, I think good, caring, honest communication, even if the subject is difficult, is almost always preferable to no communication.

I wouldn't "ignore it" so to speak but treat it more like a "pick your battles" kind of moment. Your mother isn't going to convert her to catholicism by taking her to church every now and then. Your daughter should be exposed to all the religions so she can make up her own mind. Like with anything, if you don't talk about it and hide it away, it becomes taboo and therefore VERY interesting. Truly the quickest way to turn your teenage daughter into a born again Christian is to never talk about religion and tell her to stay away from the Church. She'll be chomping at the bit to see what all the "no-no" is all about.

However, if you allow her to become exposed and are there to answer her questions about what you believe vs what other people believe, she will have the tools to make up her own mind. I was raised catholic just like you. I went to Sunday school and took first communion. In high school I was a year and a half into my confirmation classes when I put my foot down and said, "this is enough, no thank you." Of course my mother was upset, but she got over it. And even if she didn't, she's hiding it well.

My daughter will be allowed to sit in church if my mother wants to take her and I'll be here to answer all her questions when she gets home. "Some people believe this happened, and others believe it went like this. Still others believe this is the truth. What do you believe? What makes the most sense to you?"

She's a smart cookie. She'll figure it out on her own, just as we all did.

Can I just comment on what inciteful and thoughtful responses I see here? Wow, I'm impressed, ladies. I opened this question mainly because I'm in kind of the same situation and honestly expected this poor woman to be bashed with a bunch of zealots pumping her with their ideas. But I didn't. There are a lot of kind, caring women on this board. Thank you ladies.

L., I am living in a community where four out of five people practice a religion and go to church. Finding peers who think as I do is hard to come by. I find myself treading very lightly around my mom friends as most of them go to a church regularly and their religion is in the forefront. I respect their views and devotion, but don't always agree. I do find myself longing for that sense of community that you feel when you're part of a church. And I long for it for my children, too.

I'm sure your mother knows you don't practice or attend. It almost sounds as if SHE'S avoiding the conversation as well. I like the post that suggested that you speak to her gently and let her know you understand her love of church. I think it's okay to let your mom know you want your child to find their own way to religion.

Going to a place of religious worship is ENTIRELY different from being raised in that religion. I should know I've

- Been 'born Shinto'
- Sung to God in temple, gone to hebrew school
- Taken communion (ish) catholic / ( as well as anglican, protestant, southern black baptist, mormon)
- Knelt to Mecca
- Called the four corners
- Burned prayers in temple (buddhist)
- Worn Mendhi and thanked Shivva
- Poured wine to the gods
... and many many more. Including the 'religion' of atheism (I include it as a religion, others don't). Monotheism, Polytheism, Shamanism, Spirits, Nihrvhana... all the different ways that religion has split, I've spent time in MOST of them... all before I was 14.

My parents, you see were "Never Again Catholic" and e=mc2 science, and were military. I went to the churches, synagogues, temples, shrines, forests, etc., of my friends and relatives. Wednesdays, Fridays, Saturdays, Sundays, Full moons, solstices & equinoxes, funerals, weddings... Honestly, I bet there's some kind of religious observance 365 days a year, BEFORE one accounts for parties (weddings, wakes, bdays, remembrances) and grieving.

But I wasn't RAISED any of them. There's a difference, you know. I have passing familiarity with most religions, and I can comfortably walk into most places of worship and "do the right thing". But I don't "belong" to any of them. I could choose... I suppose... but I'm greedy. By going to so many, I believe they're all right (from atheism to polytheism all wrapped up in string theory). That's part of what being raised IN a religion does... it sets a "base line". I don't have a base line. (Some of my sibs have chosen their religions, some are like me and remain unaffiliated). I have no morals, yet I am a very moral person ;)

I think my mum was very wise. By keeping EVERYTHING above board... she got to hear about it ALL. She didn't ban us from attending religious services... even though she, at best, is agnostic... but is honestly more atheistic she just doesn't believe enough to disbelieve... instead she REVELED in us attending services. She talked with us about them, encouraged us in our learning about them, and was VERY open with those who took us to them. Nothing was done in secret... so SHE was never out of the loop.

Mass happens every day, and sometimes twice a day. Beyond that, priests will visit at home. If you want to know when your daughter is taken to mass, and what kind of exposure your daughter is getting (rosaries before bedtime, etc.)... if you don't want to be kept in the dark, I would suggest you flank your mother and bring it out into the open, instead of forbidding it or setting up roadblocks.

My mum didn't start out this way. I was baptized in secret (my granny / dad's mum snuck a priest into her home one afternoon to baptize me 'just in case') as were my next 2 sibs before my mother did the 'above board' method. I'm still not entirely sure she knows I was baptized. I'm disinclined to tell her if she doesn't.

Ahh recovering Catholic ( sorry running joke with a friend) I have been down that road with my sister. You need to bring it up with your mom. I totally get the scared to tell her, I still cringe at some things I have to tell my mom. Be kind about how you present it, but it may cause some hurt for awhile or she may surprise you. My mom is good about excepting my belief, but it did take some time. She has never raised an issue about it. She gave my other sister grief but I think what helped me was my willingness to talk about what I believe, answering questions but making sure she understood that I will not come back to the fold so to speak. My sister is a little more forward and I have told her that I am considerate enough to honor her belief and support her sons, ( we still fold our hands to show respect when visiting for dinner prayer) so I want the same. I want my daughter to find her own path. If she wanted to go when old enough to make a decisions for herself. You may still have to keep with the Friday nights if you mom wants to do a Sunday service or you could ask her if she wanted to drop your daughter off on the way to church. Now that your daughter is older you will need to talk more about religion because she will be exposed to it everywhere not just your moms house. Good luck.

I was raised Catholic. Then attended the Episcopal Church.
We were married in the Episcopal Church. We are Agnostic.
Our daughter is Agnostic.

You are an adult. You should speak with your mother. Not in an ugly way or a confrontational way, just with your own true reasons. Just let her know it does not mean you do not understand her love of the church.

I personally do not think attending any church every once in a while can hurt a child. If anything it is like attending a symphony or visiting a museum. It has its on history and will be valuable in your child's education.

IF your CHILD decides she is interested in finding a faith, would you allow this?

The reason I ask is that my sister and her ex husband do not follow any sort of religion but their children on their own are interested in searching for their "Religious Community" right now ( they are 13 and 16). My sister and her ex are not discouraging it.

Do not underestimate your mother and her beliefs. If you act as an adult, she will respect you as an adult.
I am sending you strength.

I grew up in a somewhat Catholic home. When I went to college I visited many churches. When my husband and I decided to get married, I really began to feel I wanted a faith for my children. I began to study the early Christians and low and behold, it led me right back to the Catholic Church. I don't know what your issue is with the Catholic Church. As you said your main concern is how to go about the relationship with your Mother. I have cared for children from many different faiths. We always try to teach the kids about what we have in common so that I don't lead the kids away from what their parents are trying to teach them. Sometimes they ask questions about our differences and I try to respectfully and honestly answer them.

My husbands family is of all different faiths. We all get along. At times their kids come to Mass with me and so far none of them have converted. I would show your daughter respect for your Mother and what your Mother believes. I would celebrate what you have in common. Remember, someday your daughter will be grown and she may choose to belong to a faith that you don't care for. Model how you want her to treat you.

There has been very poor teaching in the Catholic Church over the years. I have to be careful that what my children learn about the faith is really Catholic. What I learned of the Catholic Faith growing up, really wasn't Catholic. None of our children are going to live in a bubble. I teach my children to search for truth and respectfully question so that they can be well informed. Above all I want my children to be respectful, especially of their Grandparents. I figure that they way I get along with my Mom and Dad is going to guide them as to how to treat me when they are grown.

I dont see what the harm is in letting her go to church with your mom so she can show her off. I'm Catholic, but growing up I had friends who were Mormon, Jehovah's Witness, and Lutheran and I went to church with them sometimes. It's not bad to expose your kid to different things. How is she ever going to make up her own mind if she's never exposed to it?

L.,

You are of legal age and still "scared to say things to your mother". I don't know how old your child is, but she will also be making her OWN decisions someday.

What is the harm of your daughter going to church? What foundation have you built for your child? What are your beliefs? No matter what they are, don't you think you child is better off being cared for by people who love her and also love you?

As mentioned, your daughter will grow up and make her own decisions about faith or none....just as you have. Going to church didn't change your mind. Let it be.

Blessings.....

It's kind of the elephant in the room, isn't it? The issue is there and nobody's talking about it.

If people are strong in their beliefs, there shouldn't be any reason why they cannot be discussed or mentioned. I think there is a huge distinction between going to church on occasion (visiting someone else's church) and being raised in that religion. However, if you don't want your daughter there under any circumstances, or if you are unsure about what your mother is teaching her or saying to her, that's another problem. I think you can calmly say to your mother that you know church is important to her and that she likes to show off her granddaughter to her friends, but that you would prefer your daughter not attend mass. Say that you do not want her to participate in the rituals of Catholicism (kneeling, crossing herself) and that you are concerned she may feel pressured to do what others are doing if she is there. That may bring out some more of your mother's opinions and you will have a better idea of what her mindset is, and whether or not she has an agenda. If she is just taking your daughter along so she can see what's important to Grandma and meet some people, that's one thing. If your mother is trying to influence her or feels your child won't go to heaven (and is telling her that), that's an entirely different issue.

You also don't say how old your daughter is - church could be pretty boring for a young child.

If your mother is extremely religious, then I assume there are religious objects in her home (crucifixes, rosary beads, etc.). Has your daughter ever expressed any curiosity about these items? Can you explain them in a calm and non-judgmental way? Say that they are symbols of Grandma's religion and they are items to be respected.

You have the right to raise your daughter the way you see fit, but you also are lucky to have grandparents for her.

You might be surprised that your mother is understanding. I am Jewish and my mother is Protestant, and she is very respectful and truly interested. I think it would be good for you to get clear on what turns you off about your religious upbringing so that you can have a rational discussion with your mother. Make it clear that it is about what you believe and not a condemnation of what she believes.

Just because your mom takes your daughter to a Catholic church occasionally, that hardly means she is being raised "in the Catholic faith"!

If you attended synagogue with a friend 4 times per year, would that make you a Jew?

what bugs me the most is that you're scared to have a conversation with your own mother. i find that much more alarming than the idea that an occasional dose of catholicism is going to permanently infuse your daughter with it.
i don't understand why it even has to be a big dramatic Talk. a simple 'i'm okay with lulu going to church with you now and then, ma. but i want to make sure you're being respectful to my beliefs and how i'm raising her, okay? should suffice.
khairete
S.

I totally understand where you are coming from. I've watched many of my friends drop out of the Catholic Church and have their parents pressure them to return.
In Europe people are writing letters to the church and the government dropping their membership. My brother in law asked me not to tell his parents.
In witnessing all the wriggling around about the situation not baptising, having children avoid communion etc. I have come to the conclusion that it is best to tell your parents that while you believe in God you no longer find him in church. (Or if you don't have faith anymore you can say that too.)
You have decided not to be religious or to practice. This is your decision and your husband's as I understand it and therefore you have a perfect right to raise your child as you see fit.
Yes it will cause some difficulty but in the end your mother will either respect your decision or you will have to do more than keep your child away on Saturday night. Priests have been known to secretly baptize and give communion to children whose parents don't want that.
Religion is a very personal matter. It's best to make it clear that the child will not be visiting at all if she is taken to church by your mother.

I was in the same position. I was raised catholic - well, very catholic. I am now an open atheist. I've told my mom this for years, and she would always laugh it off and say "I'd grow out of it" (along wth the "that's horrible - how can you say such a thing"). By the time the kids were born she stopped talking about it. I think it's best to be open about where you stand on your religion and your ideas for religion for your children. You will most likely get some confrontation and resistance, but over time, the idea that you hold a different religion from your mother should eventually sink in.

As far as letting your daughter go to church: I personally wouldn't have an issue with it. It shows that different people believe different things. And it's good to have exposure to everything. You don't want your parents' religion. Maybe she'll grow up and not want any part of your beliefs. It really sounds like your mother is using church as a social hour to show off her grandchild instead of using it to fully indoctrinate her into the catholic faith. However, you are not me - if you're not comfortable with it, either confront her or don't allow sleepovers on Saturdays.

Oh man, I'm in your shoes. We (my brothers and I) were raised very strict Catholic... can't say I've stepped foot into a church in the past 10 years for anything other than weddings, a baptism, and a confirmation (my baby brother refused to be confirmed unless I was his sponsor, LOL!)

I would tell her point blank that you're not going. Now, if she wants to bring your kids, why not? My girls attend a baptist church when they stay at their dads house. They have fun with it, they like their friends and the little bible stories, and since I'M not the one who has to take them, I see it as a bonus! If your mother wants to take your kids, I'd let her. Heck, it will give you some extra time to get some housework done without any interruption ;)

My MIL is superrr religious. My fiance gets really upset, like 'don't shove that down my throat'. I'm a little more relaxed about her talking religion, because even though I'M not religious, I don't have a problem with people who are. To each their own. She prays to God, I pray to the moon. To each their own. There's no harm in having faith in something... as long as you have faith in yourself :)

If you don't like it, then you should find other means of sitting on Saturday if it leads to a Sunday church visit. I would not volunteer unsolicited information, maybe your mother has decided to leave you alone. If she asks, that is a different story.

If you feel so strongly about her not going and your mother feels strongly about taking her, you will have to get past that fear and tell her.

Ok... I grew up Baptist and am now VERY involved in a non-denom church for 3 years now. My husband's parents are episcaple (sp?) and it's basically a branch off of Catholic. They take her sometimes but she thinks it's boring like I do, so I don't worry about it too much.
If you're up to it, I would try to find a church that you can be a part of and stable her there.
And you grew up ok right? That's the way I think of it...

Well, I know you don't want to get into your own beliefs here, but it wouldn't bother me if my child went to a church of a different faith on ocassion. I think I would actually consider exposure to the beliefs of others a good thing even in they went to Temple with Jewish friends. It would bother me if someone who was an atheist or agnostic exposed my younger child to this (like maybe before the age of 13) so if that is the case, I would probably just avoid it unless it became a problem, then I would calmly discuss that I would prefer to wait until my child was older and could handle the concept of diametrically opposing views.

If your mother is VERY Catholic than how can you ask her to NOT go to church just because your daughter is sleeping over? You need to find alternative care on Saturday nights if you do not want your daughter to be party to attending church.

As for 'the' conversation...it sounds to me like this a one sided issue. You do not need to have a discussion on your beliefs. Your mother already knows that you do not attend church, did not get married in the church, and so on and so forth. If it really bothered her or was an issue for her than she would have had that converstion long ago (especially if she is VERY Catholic).

Bottom line, let it go and find alternative care on Saturday nights.

If you have the conversation now with your mother it will make you feel better however, depending on your mother's view it may also make her push religion harder on your daughter if you don't address the issue properly. The harder you try to take a stand in one direction it is human nature that the harder the push back you will get. You will raise your daughter how you see fit with religion but at some point in her life she may choose another path just like you did. if you are open and explain your views but don't shut down the idea and exposure to other religions she won't feel the way you do today with your own mother and won't be afraid to talk to you about things. She will appreciate your point of view and respect you for it which is the most important thing you can do for her. just because someone goes to another persons place of worship now and then doesn't remotely mean they will convert to that religion....it's not like catching the flu :-). Your mother problably sees Sunday church as her social hub and is proud to show off her granddaughter. Since her religion is a part of who your mother is - its a great way to teach your daughter how people you love can be different than you and you will still love them and visa versa. Good luck.

Seems like alot of people can't help but judge your beliefs on this one eh? The more practical side of the issue is that I don't think you'd want to let your daughter go to sleepover late Sat.nights and make your mom feel that she can't attend church the next day. So --probably best to not do Sat. sleepovers so you are not infringing on her religious beliefs or practices. As to having a conversation--bring it up in these terms--that you have avoided Sat. sleepovers because you'd rather your daughter not attend church services and you don't want her to feel she would need to skip church in order to have grandma time with your daughter. If she inquires further about your beliefs you can explain. She may have a lot ofquestions or feel defensive since she feels strongly about her faith. Try to anticipate her questions before hand and be ready with calm answers that don't offend her beliefs as much as possible. Hope this helps.

I have almost the exact issue with my parents. I was raised Catholic - decided it was not for me at 12 y/o, yet was forced to undergo Confirmation to make them happy.

Fast forward... I was not planning on having my child baptized PERIOD. My parents offered to buy us a house when I was pregnant but never followed thru. When my daughter turned 4 y/o - they said we will buy you a house, BUT you must baptize my daughter. We freaked, but ended up doing it eventho I hated it.

I know my parents teach her and talk about the Catholic faith when my daughter's with them and it pisses me off. My Mom is always saying I"m damning my child because I refuse to mold myself and her into their church. My parents are extremely hypocritical Catholics to boot!!

I just try to temper everything by raising her to see things as I do - which is a mixture of the Goddess, Native American spiritualism, respect for nature and creatures of the Earth, do your best and hope for the best in others, etc...

This is just the religion - my parents and I are polar opposites in politics too and MAN it's hard visiting them!!

My extended family is Catholic, and I'm an atheist. My parents are atheist also, however my grandparents had me over every Saturday night growing up, so I did attend church with them on Sundays. (Fat lot of good it did them... I did get baptised and confirmed, but ultimately... I'm an atheist, sorry.) However, I don't really mind my kids going to church (even though I personally find the idea of religion to be absurd), because religion is a huge factor in our culture. We fight wars over it, political parties/offshoots of political parties are formed over it, it's something people talk about. Therefore, it's important to be well-versed in it, even if you don't believe it yourself. Why not let your mother take on this function of educating your daughter about Western religions? Saves you the hassle, and it's fairly unlikely that your daughter will believe any of it - though she should respect it as a belief system that has shaped the Western world for better or worse. Plus, kids love the pomp and circumstance of Catholic mass. I'd just let your mother do her thing, honestly. It would make her happy, your daughter would probably get a kick out of it, and you'd get a hall pass on Saturday nights. What's not to love? I am sure your mother is acutely aware of your beliefs, and has chosen not to "go there" with you, either. Sounds like you two can agree to disagree, she can take your daughter to mass, and life will go on as usual.

Personally, I think it's good for your daughter (and all children) to have exposure to differing beliefs (or lack there of). I think it makes them more tolerant of people's differences, I also think it helps them be reflective thinkers.

I also think it's nice for your mom and your daughter to form a bond that is exclusively theirs. And nice for your mom to show off her fabulous granddaughter to her church friends.

That said, YOU'RE the Mom and what you say goes. You will have to discuss it with her, share your feelings......at the risk of breaking her heart. If I were your mother, I would have to respect your feelings since YOU'RE the child's mother, but it would make me sad your daughter is missing out.

(I'd also like to say, if you'd have just plain HAD it with the Catholic Church, and lemme tell ya you're not alone, there are MANY MANY different Christian religions that you may prefer. Faith is a journey, there is more than one route to God!)

:)

I would tell her that you appreciate her watching your daughter, but you really don't want her going to the church because of x,y.z. i would give the reasons plainly and calmly. if she has questions, answer her questions. most people who are christians will get upset if you say anything about church or etc. so i would be prepared for arguments whatever. i don't know how you feel about God, but i know that my family doesn't go to church, but we do teach the kids at home. so if that's what you do, just tell your mother that you teach straight from the Bible, and that way you don't get your manmade religion and all the opinions and twisted beliefs that come with it.

The issue to me isn't your mother, but you. Here's why. Whatever you're teaching your daughter isn't going to be "undone" by your daughter spending time with your mother in church or by learning about faiths/belief systems other than your own. Your daughter deserves to be exposed and to have education on a wide variety of belief systems, especially considering her grandmother finds Catholicism important.

But what you need is to be secure that spending time with your mother no matter where it is won't simply undo your parenting. Because it won't. And rather than avoiding and avoiding and avoiding and finding fault with your mother when she doesn't even know that you've turned away from the Church, you need to have a conversation with your daughter about your household's beliefs and how they differ from other peoples.

It's also important that you not be afraid of or critical of your mother. She has no idea that you've "fallen away" from the Church and believes you still have faith even if she might suspect you're not practicing and attending mass. You're an adult with your own beliefs and seriously, what's she going to do if you tell her how you feel and what you believe? Stage an intervention? We Catholics don't usually set ourselves up with such drama. :-)

I would not ignore it. Don't make it about her or you or religion but about how you are raising your child. My mother is VERY involved in her church, and VERY strictly adheres to her faith. Something I very much respect about her, but its not how I want my daughter exposed to spirituality. Several times when we are home (I don't live in the same state so it's a little dif) she has asked to take her to church so she can "show her off" to her friends. I have always said no and she respects that. She knows where I stand so there is no question. Unless you say, "I do not want my daughter going to church with you" she will likely never quit asking because she has no idea its a source of uneasiness for you. Be honest and only give the info you need to. You don't have to say you don't want her raised in the Catholic church, just that you're uncomfortable with her going to church without you. If she presses further, you will have to hold your ground.

Overall, don't ignore this, deal with it now. State clearly your intentions and don't back down. If you handle it now, you won't have to stress about avoiding visits and uncomfortable conversations. All parties involved will know where each other stands.

If this is important to you then, yes, speak to your mother about it. After all, expressing your religious beliefs is not a confrontation in itself.

I do agree with another post that simply going to church does not make a person Catholic - you're own experience proves this point. Instead, having your daughter go to church could be a good opportunity to share your own religious beliefs to your daughter.

And lastly, even if your daughter does not go to church, do not be deceived in thinking that your mother is mute on her beliefs at home.

Eventually, you're going to have to have the conversation with your mom (your option #2). Whether you want to do that now or later is up to you. Either way, I imagine that the outcome will be the same: you can't have your daughter spend Saturday night at grandma's house.

I'm curious why you're so nervous to have this conversation with your mom? If she knows that you're not into Catholicism yourself, it probably won't be a huge shock to her that you don't want to raise your child Catholic. Regardless, there's nothing to fight about it. You're the mom, and you get final say on how your child is raised.

You have to be honest with her. Coming from a family where we never talk honestly about anything, the resentment just builds and builds until it explodes into a dramatic fight that (I think) probably could've been avoided if we'd just been honest with each other in the first place. It sounds like it really bothers you to have your daughter attend church with your mom, and if you keep letting it happen, or working hard to avoid it, it will keep stressing you out until finally you might get really angry with your mother. I'm not saying this definitely would happen; but I think it would be best for you to have an honest talk with your parents now so that you don't feel so uncomfortable with it anymore. It's hard, and it's scary because you're afraid of how they'll react, but it needs to happen. Just be honest and stay calm, try to avoid being emotional, and hopefully they will understand and it won't turn into a fight. Good luck.

I have struggled with this too: My parents are Catholic, but I am no longer. I haven't had a lot of pressure (not too much anyway), but I did have a lot of guilt about it.

I wasn't in the same boat, with my parents wanting to watch the kids overnight on Saturday (they live too far away for that). However, I think that if you want to continue to allow her to have your daughter over night on Saturdays, you're going to have to confront this. Or, if you avoid it, and your mom pushes you, you may have to confront it.

For me, it helped that I was attending a church (Unitarian Universalist) and explained that that was where it felt the most right, and I shared with my mom the 7 principles of UUs, and that it welcomed all religions and teaches no specific creed (just focuses on the 7 principles (the first is "recognizing the inherent worth & dignity over every person, etc.), http://www.uua.org/visitors/6798.shtml). The fact that I was/am still striving to become a better person and to help others through a church community meant a lot to her. I did also help that even as a child, I occasionally openly questions the Church's teachings (when I was a kid, one of the best teachers in our preschool, whom I remembered and saw occasionally in grade school, was Hindu, and she was one of the nicest, kindest, most generous people I've ever known. And I remember asking my mom about whether she was going to go to heaven, because she wasn't Catholic, and my mom saying that she thought all good people go to heaven, but it might be easier if you believe in God to be good.)

One thing I will say is that if you have to confront it, be respectful of their beliefs and say, "Mom, Dad, I respect that you are Catholics and follow the Catholic faith, but I have thought and prayed about this, and that is not where I belong. And I do not feel that that is where my daughter belongs. You can disagree with me, but I do not want her going to Catholic services. I'm sorry if this disappoints you but it is not open for discussion."

Don't let yourself get drawn into arguments masquerading as discussions--if they are not listening to you, and willing to think about where you're coming from, or automatically assume that you're wrong, then it's not going to be a discussion, and it's better to just end it.

If your mom is one of the (many) Catholics who feel that women are still, and wrongly, treated as second class citizens of the church, that priests should be married, and that the pope is not infallible, she may be more understanding than you think, and church may be at least as social as it is religious (in which case, offer to host your mom and her church friends for a visit/brunch after church, so that she can show off her grandchild, whom she obviously loves. :)

She's your mom. You should be able to lay things out on the table, the truth, although softened, should suffice.

I know how you feel.
I was raised in a pretty strict Jewish family. Kosher and all.
As I got older I decided It wasn't for me.
So..
My dad & His family are all JEwish..My mom was raised Christian, but converted to Judaism when she married my father.
My MIL is a REALLY religious Catholic. She always pushes the issue of baptism, church, religious studies etc. Even though she KNOWS I was raised Jewish. (she doesn't know I don't really practice it)

I've started just telling her, those things aren't important to me. Its not my beliefs, and they are my kids.

I also have my grandma ( on my dad's side) ALWAYS giving me a hard time about raising good JEwish kids.

Your daughter is going to be exposed to a lot worse things than church in her life. If your daughter is exposed to something you don't believe in it is an opportunity for you to teach her why you don't believe that way and reinforce something better. I think i get where you are coming from. But my suspicion is that you really have not figured out what you believe or why you no longer believe what you were raised with, so you have nothing to counter with. Maybe instead of avoiding the topic, you need to begin a search of your own so you can know how to speak to your daughter with conviction about what you do believe in, and not just what you don't believe in. I'm not to worried about the "false teachings" my daughter will be exposed to because I know I am able to counter it.

You are an adult. Time to have an adult conversation with your mother. You no longer live under her roof (I assume), so it no longer has to be her rules. You get to decide how your daughter is raised and if you do not want her to attend a Catholic church, then you have that right. She can still spend the night on Saturday - you would just have to make arrangements to pick her up on Sunday morning before mass.

I think Grandma should be allowed to show off her grandchild at church once in a while if she wants. That is probably where most of her friends are. Hanging out at a church for an hour once in a while does not make one Catholic. It might just broaden her knowledge a bit and allow her to make an informed decision when she is older. I think it is fun to go to different places of worship and being with Grandma is pretty cool also! After Grandma is gone you might look back and see what a waste of energy all this avoidance has been.

Hi,
it is ok to your child to be introduced to religion, she will chose what to believe or not when she is ready. She must have her choice just like you chose not to have a religion. It is my opinion, I was raised catholic but I am not very religious too, but my son has a right to know as many religions as he wants until he will make his chose.

I think it depends on your relationship with your mom and how she deals with direct conversations. I am all for "be honest and open" but i have family members who would throw a fit and blow it all out of proportion if some of these conversations were had! So I'd tend to just avoid the problem. I am in much the same boat as you (lapsed Catholic) but I don't really mind my daughter being exposed to Church occasionally as we are accepting of all beliefs and hope to instill respect and acceptance -- and her own opinion! -- in her as she gets older.

Hi L.,

You can try to avoid the subject in order to avoid a fight - at first -but eventually your mother WILL bring it up and there will be no escaping it. S the question is, do you want to have the "fight" now or later? I put fight in quotes b/c it NEVER has to be a fight! I grew up with parents who did nothing else other than fight, and unfortunately, I was taught how to fight and got suckered into fights my entire life. I FINALLY learned a couple years ago that fights NEVER have to happen! Why? Because it takes 2 people to fight. If your mother yells or starts up with you, do NOT engage in it! Simply and calmly say, "I have no interest in arguing with you, so if you are not able to calm down, we will not have this discussion." If this happens in person, she must calm down and if she doesn't, nicely ask her to leave your house. If you are at her house, just leave! If this conversation happens over the phone, nicely tell her that if she doesn't calm down you will hang up on her. Only YOU can allow a fight or altercation to occur. You are holding all of the power - not your mother! If she continues to behave inappropately, ban her from your daughter's life (however long that takes) until she gets the hing and realizes that it is 100% up to you how you are going to raise your daughter. I'm sure you can tell that I have a zero tolerance policy for this kind of behavior! Hold your ground, as you are her mother! Go with option 2! Good luck!