Grandma Trying to Influence My Son's Religious Views

I think your son should learn about all religions and I don't see how this is harmful at all. You have plenty of time to share your non belief. Let your mother share her beliefs. I strongly feel you should not shelter your child from this. Many people believe this, others believe that. Not confusing, interesting.

other than she is not honoring your beliefs....which is truly a biggie......

is she really creating any harm? Is this any different than initiating a belief in Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny, etc? (& yes, to me there is a big difference....I believe in God!) But, honestly, is she creating harm?

Can this whole situation be one more learning tool in your son's life? One more way to teach diversity & acceptance of others? Something to consider! & I honestly believe exposing him to such influences will only create & nurture a better understanding of others.....making him a better, more-rounded human being!

Grandma is not sharing a crack pipe with your child, now THAT would be concerning.
Your child is going to hear about God from all kinds of people. He should hear from people that LOVE him first.
I would assume your child is not with your parents EVERY day, so a little taste of their belief system when he is visiting is probably not going to sway him in one direction or another. He will go by what happens in HIS home and what his PARENTS practice first and foremost.
When he hits school age he will have kids ask him if he believes in God quite often. This is a good time to prepare him to answer those questions.
You parents are doing what God has mandated us to do, to share the news of the Savior.
Your son, just as you and your husband, will decide what he wants to practice when he gets old enough..... he may taste several different belief systems.
I would not build a wall between your parents and yourselves over this.... it is not worth it. jmo

If you really want him to grow up and decide for himself what he wants to be (religious or not) then I think it's fine to let him experience through grandma her beliefs.

I am a Christian, and a very tolerant one. I totally respect -- and am interested in -- other's beliefs no matter what they are. All our differences make the world go 'round, in my opinion. Your mom's beliefs are hers, and I think you can make your son understand that. I don't think bible stories and prayers are indoctrinating him as much as they are showing him how grandma feels and what she believes in. And I doubt they're harmful stories or prayers.

Teaching your son to respect grandma's beliefs is teaching him tolerance and acceptance, which so many people don't have these days. I'd say let him enjoy his time with grandma.

I think it's very hard to raise your children without religion when it's everywhere around us. As they grow, they will be exposed to all sorts of religious ideas, and if they are completely unaware of what religion is and it's history in the world, it could be a great hinderance for them. My husband and I are not religious, but I was raised Catholic - baptized, confirmed, sunday school, etc. I enjoy debating about religion and it's place in the world, and that wouldn't be possible without knowledge. You can't hide religion from your children, and the longer you try, the more you will hurt them.

You've gotten a lot of good advice; I hope it helps you. Disclaimer: I am a practicing Catholic and come from families in different Christian religions. However, my mission with my children has always been to believe in God -- not a religion.

My sister and her husband decided to raise their daughter without religion. or any belief in a higher power. She said my niece can pick her own religion when she gets older. How do you pick when you have no background in anything? My children and I have been to different services for friends' events (synagogues, churches, etc.) and have felt comfortable. We also appreciate knowing that we are not alone, that at least by praying we can feel some sense of peace. My niece does not experience that sense of comfort.

My point is not to encourage you to practice a religion, but understand why religion is important to some people. You also need a little understanding of religion to know why it is important in literature, world events, politics, etc. If your Mom is "skirting the edges" with stories and bedtime prayers, ask yourself if it's really hurting anything. You can supplement these Grandma times with information of your own. Age appropriately, explain to him your beliefs and even provide him with information on other religions/not believing. You are then you are giving him a good base to make his own decision, but also information that will be helpful to function in a world with a variety of people.

Talk to your Mom and tell her your plan to have this broader discussion of practicing/not practicing. She may feel a little more comfortable that you are addressing the issue at all.

Best to you.

We have a similar situation where husband and I have different religions and not practicing and my in-laws are not religious at all. My mother is. My mom took our olderst to church, sunday school...the whole nine yards. He even serves as an altar boy on some Sundays. Going to church makes him calm and he learned many things in his Sunday school. It is his special bonding time with grandma. We have religious books for kids and I read them to the children. As a result my son is very comfortable in his religious study classes in his school. So we found the experience very helpfull and good. I say, let grandma do what she does. Learning about God, praying and attending church had not prevented my son from wondering if there is God...and what is God. We have discussions about it all the time.
Good luck.

It sounds like you are trying to raise him as an atheist instead of allowing him to be exposed to different things and make his own choice. By doing that, I think you are in fact doing the opposite of your intent, but you are actually pushing him into the "religion" of atheism. I dont think your mother is trying to force anything in your son except to show him what is important to her. The fact that she is trying to share this with your son just shows you how much she loves him. What harm is going to come to him if his loving grandmother reads bible stories and prays with him every so often?

I wouldn't be to hard on grandma. If she is religious she is probably doing this out of great love for your son! She wants him to be comforted in the thought that he was created unique and deeply loved by a higher power. Having a religion isn't a bad thing. It teaches morals and ethics, right and wrong. If you don't believe then think of it as a story or like santa. Instead of teaching no religion let him experience many religions and in time he can decide on his own what is best for him. Many find great comfort in their faith to the Lord he may need this one day!

I am not at all religious but was raised Catholic. My husband is very religious and so is bringing our son to church and our son was just baptized (since I don't believe in any god, I feel it can't hurt our son who is 2). We have an agreement that our son will be taught all different religions and also atheism/agnostic views.
Perhaps you can try that approach with your parents; since your husband is a non-practicing Muslim but probably has some knowledge of that religion, he could talk to your son about some of that religions stories, beliefs, rituals. Tell your parents that they can keep talking to your son about catholic stuff but you will be telling him about all the religions in time, a couple at a time. There are some cool things about a lot of different beliefs, interesting stories and practices (and some you'll want to stay far away from!)
Knowledge is powerful. Even at such a young age, you can slowly start to explain why people believe in things they can't see and how it makes them feel or how it makes them act. But it all has to be age appropriate and there are a lot of books and other resources that can help.
And remember, this is advice from someone that completely has no belief in any religion.
Good luck,
E.

I must be honest here. I have never really fully understood the term "non-practicing Christian" (or NP Muslim, NP Jew, etc) If you identify yourself as Christian, doesn't that mean you ARE a Christian, whether or not you go to church? I am truly trying to understand the implications of this. I'm assuming you were raised as a Catholic, and are not currently practicing this for whatever reason, but are still adhering to a "Christian" belief system? Do you feel that people who "practice" their religions have been indoctrinated in some way, rather than exercising their free will to worship as they choose? If you are still a Christian, then I don't see why you are uncomfortable with your mom sharing her belief system with your son - it sounds to me that you are very threatened by this. Don't you want your husband to expose your son to his religious background as well? Children cannot grow up to make their own informed choices if they have never been exposed to different points of view - I think you would be doing him a disservice as he grows older if you do not allow him to explore the concept of religion, and the role it could possibly play in his life, and allow him to make his own choice (even if it differs from yours) as he matures. I don't think religion of any kind should be "pushed" on anyone - your parents do need to respect the choice you have made for yourself, even though it probably hurts them very much, but in my mind, educating someone about something and "pushing" it on them are 2 very different things. Chances are pretty good your mom WILL be offended by your rejection of the religion you were brought up with and your desire not to expose your son to it. I hope you understand that they mean no harm by it, though, and approach them with the respect and gentleness they deserve. They only want the best for their grandson - they only want to share with him something that is very meaningful to them - something that has probably sustained and comforted them throughout their lives - it's certainly not with the goal of "mind-control" or "indoctrination" - it's coming from a place of LOVE.

I like Katie S.'s answer, do not fear this. Let her tell him her stories and teach him a little about how to quiet your mind with intention, really, that's all it is. She's not baptizing him or insisting on CCD classes. You ARE raising him the way you want, I don't see her actions as threatening, keep up the dialogue about it with your son and let it be for now.

i just tell my kids that different people believe in different things. lots of other things are probably true at grandmas, no? different rules, different boundaries? so i would tell him that this is how grandma believes, and its fine. we believe ____fill in the blank_____ and thats good too. he is only 3. and if you are comfortable then everyone will be happy with that. and if you arent,, then i think you have to be really clear with grandma now. good luck.

I'm not sure what you need to tell your parents. But my suggestion would be that when you do talk to them remember one thing...they love your son and want him to believe what they believe because they feel that what they believe is the right thing. If your mom is very rooted in her faith, it will be impossible to get her to stop sharing it because that is what makes your mom the person that she is. So, be loving and understanding of this and try to be very gentle with her if you still feel it is necessary to say anything at all. Just food for thought...what harm is it going to cause your child to have faith/hope in something beyond his parents, Santa and the Toothfairy?

BTW...I am a born again Christian and I teach my children all about my faith, which they also believe to be true, but I teach them about all the other religions out there so that they can be educated...I think children should know about all different walks of faith. I think it helps them to better understand what they believe.

The day after my son was born, my mother and I got into a nasty fight over her religion and my children. I had my son at home (home birth), so my mom brought us dinner and asked to join us in eating it. Ignoring the imposition this put on me, since I was suppose to be on bed rest!, she sat at the table and brought up God in a manner I found very inappropriate. I was very hormonal, and just flat out told her "our kids, our choices. If you cannot respect our wishes, then you will not be seeing our children. We get to set the rules here, not you."

Needless to say, we didn't talk for a few days. I was mostly OK with that, as they are MY KIDS, not her's.

Now, with that said, my mother was over for dinner last night and we always let her say grace before we eat. She has even taught it to my daughter. My daughter finds it confusing that my hubby and I don't join in, but such is the way it will be. My husband and I are non-believers, and we plan on teaching our children about all the Gods --the stories humankind has been telling itself since the beginning of time. Our children can then decide for themselves when they are older.

I let my mom discuss her God and religion with my children, but at the end of the day, they are my children. We do come before even grannie and papa, and I have no doubt our influence will be stronger in the end. So, I let my mom live in her dream world that she will convert my children, as I see it as a learning opportunity to teach my children about one of the greatest stories ever written.

But I have told my mother that she can discuss her God with my children, but within limits. So, I'd have a think on what you feel OK with your mom teaching your child, and then just simple tell her. Start by saying "I know how important God is to you, but he doesn't share a similar place in our lives. Hubby and I want to raise our children this way, and we hope that you will help us and show us respect by following our wishes. I don't mean to hurt you, but this isn't about you or me, this is about doing what I think is best for MY children."

I love Theresa's post. I am a practicing Christian and I can't imagine my life without God in the good and yes the bad....I think it is a great lifestyle in helping raise children especially as they try to grasp the meaning of life and purpose.

Hi, D.:

How did you and your husband become non practicing of religion
in your spiruitual life.
Actually what does that mean. I don't understand.

Just a thought: I see that whatever your views are about everything, believing, non-believing, whatever, whatever.

Trying to force your beliefs on your grandmother is the same as you say that she is forcing her views on her grandchild.

Now when he gets to be a teenager, he will make up his own mind, just like his mother and father.

Our country was founded on the freedom of religion. Our boys/girls are dying over in Afgahistan for you to write this query about religion.

Just think about what you are asking. Do you want to divide the family over this control issue?

Just a thought
Good luck in your quest for knowledge.
D.

Personally I don't see the point of starting this fight with your Mom. I would allow her to teach your child prayers as she is not hurting him. I also agree that a child can't choose a faith if you teach them nothing. If you are a Christian why are you so against your child being taught about God?

I have a similar situation to yours. When my son was 3, I felt like you did, only it was my FIL pushing Islam on my son. My side of the family is non-practicing Catholic/Christian. Nobody goes to church, but there is a deep belief in God and "doing unto others..."etc. I, personally, do not believe in the "Western" notion of God and consider myself agnostic. My FIL is Muslim, practicing, actually a leader in his local Muslim community and my MIL is Catholic in her heart, but converted to Islam when she married my FIL over 40 years ago. My husband grew up going to Muslim school on Sundays, etc, but now as an adult is also non-practicing, possibly even agnostic like myself.

Religion is not practiced in our immediate household, we got married in a civil ceremony and there's no "prayer" of any kind in our home. But I always said we'd expose our kids to everything. So when my FIL started taking my son to the Mosque every time we visited, even though I was really uncomfortable (much like you are now), I let it go. My parents would occasionally ask me "don't I want to get my kid baptized?" "Absolutely not" is usually my answer. BUT we did send one of our daughters to Catholic school for 2 years (the academics were so good and our public school was so not good). And all 3 of my kids went to a Jewish pre-school. We also visit the Far East to see my parents, so they've been exposed to eastern religions as well - they've visited as many temples and shrines as they have churches and mosques. So I think we're doing a pretty good job of exposing our kids to the various religions out there.

Even though I don't believe in God, my kids do, and I would never change that. This is their choice to make. I understand your discomfort with your mom exposing your son to *HER* religion, but that's part of who she is. It's something they can bond over. You should have your husband take your son to a mosque to expose him to HIS religion. It's not just about religion, this is part of his cultural heritage, too. When my son was 3, I felt really weird about him going to the mosque and learning about Islam from his grandfather. Now that he's 13, I'm ok with it. And he and his grandfather are very close. We live in a very Jewish community and although we are not Jewish, many of my daughters' friends are. Add that to having spent 2 - 3 years a Jewish pre-school during their early childhood, they have probably more exposure to that religion than any other. Needless to say, my oldest daughter wants to be Jewish. My youngest wants to be Catholic/Christian because of the whole Christmas thing (which we do celebrate, it's part of my family's culture). And my son is very interested in Islam and Christianity and ways to bridge the differences so we can all get along. I think it's pretty awesome, actually, that by being exposed to the various religions, they have a total and pure acceptance that there are different religions/cultures/backgrounds and there's nothing to discriminate against or "be afraid" of.

There's no way to avoid religion, and banning it from your child will probably do more harm than letting him get exposed to it. The most influence comes from YOU, so whatever your mom *tries* to get him to believe won't really matter if YOU don't follow up with it. If I didn't want my kids exposed to any religion, trust me, it would all have been nipped in the bud and my kids would be staunch agnostics/atheists today. But I didn't want that for them. I know that many people get comfort from their faith and I want my kids to have the opportunity to choose that if they desire. I chose not to be religious - I made that choice at about 14 after a lifetime of being Catholic. But I won't choose for my kids. That's on them.

I do not believe in God but I converted to Catholicism and my daughter attends a Catholic school. Both daughter's are baptized. A couple weeks ago my 8 YO bought a bible book because she likes reading the stories. We never go to church. I am not anti church or anti religion but it's not for me. I am happy that my daughters' are learning about religion because it is a pretty big deal in our society. I see it as mythology and history of a belief that has had an enormous influence over our society. Quite simply, your son isn't going to become a religious zealot from your mother saying prayers (which could also be considered "affirmations" and thinking positive thoughts.) You son will be influenced by YOU not your mom.

I think if she's sweet and kind to him, and that the religious aspects of her interactions with him are not forced on him against his interest, then don't worry about it.
As he gets older you can tell him that not everyone believes what grandma believes. If grandma pushes it, and he's not interested, believe me, he'll tune her out. And if he is interested, I think that's ok too--an interest in Bible stories at age 3 is hardly indoctrination. Maybe you can see it just as a topic that grandma happens to be into. Replace "religion" with "broadway show tunes," "cooking light," "selling on ebay"---it's just another topic. Don't give it more power by forbidding.

If you want him to choose his religion, that means exposing him to different religions so that he can actually made an educated decision. In life, he is going to be exposed to different religions through school, friends, etc. and being exposed to Catholicism when he's at his Grandma's is no different. I was raised sort of Catholic by my mom (my dad's Protestant) and when I was young I did the hail marys with her, etc. b/c thats what she taught me. As I grew older, I came to believe that I agreed more with the Protestant faith and am now a practicing Protestant. So, my mother did not influence me in the end just as your grandmother will not "make" your son Catholic. Just let him be exposed to what his grandma believes and let him truly choose. I agree with Brooke that despite your best intentions, you sound like you're actually pushing the religion of atheism.

I don't know a single grandmother that hasn't bought a book about prayers for little children or something to that effect.
It doesn't have to equal "indoctrination".
I come from a very diverse religious background. Because of that, I have taught my children about everything as much as I can.
There was never one true "influence", although we believe as we believe.
They respect how others believe as well.

I have a grandson due in May, and I promise I will be purchasing some books for him.
Just as my grandmothers did for me and my children.
Some of the classics are the "Little Golden Books" about God and prayers. They aren't religion specific. They are beautifully illustrated as well.
If you don't want your child hearing anything about any religion, that's up to you. I just don't know how you can go about that. Religion, whether we like it or not, is all around us by virtue of what other people believe.
Understanding is the first step toward tolerance, if nothing else.
Please check out this reference.

http://www.amazon.com/Prayers-Children-Little-Golden-Book...#

http://www.amazon.com/Little-Book-About-Golden-Treasures/...#

To me, these things aren't bad for little kids.

The illustrations are beautiful.

I wish you the best.

I recommend a book called "Parenting Beyond Belief," which is about exactly this--raising children in nonreligious households, with tips for talking with them about other people's beliefs and managing your family's expectations for religious practices. I think you will find that this book will teach you that your problem is far from unique!

i think it's reasonable to want your religious beliefs respected. it's fine for grandparents to share their beliefs with their grandkids, but it should be done in a way that you and your husband approve. personally i would be fine with the bible stories, but i would gently insist that the bedtime prayers be optional. he's too young to understand much of this and you certainly don't want to cause tension for him, so i do think it's important that you and your parents talk this out between yourselves. most kids will not get confused about beloved family members having different beliefs so long as it's presented simply and lovingly.
my in-laws were taken aback by my religious beliefs but always very respectful of them. i love and appreciate their tactfulness in being devout around my kids without ever imposing. it never seemed to be an issue.
just keep the conversation about your son, that you don't want to create confusion for him. reassure her that you are not going to prevent her from being a lovely catholic grandma, just that you want to be on the same page.
khairete
S.

All in all, she should respect your values for your home.

But to raise the question of " what I would do to deal with religious diff between me and my parent " I am myself to be who I am. My Father does not believe the same as me and my family, but that is a subject that tends to not get discussed. I don't put preasure on him and he makes comments that I don't comment about. I just am me and my kids are my kids and if they bring up what they believe, he respects them and does not argue with them as to what is said. If he says things that my kids don't agree with, we tend to just be quite. But there is times where my dad will raise the question on why we believe and I will tell his straight. How it makes us closer as a family, how we are depended on our beliefs and pray daily and such. How life changes for the good because of it. But still there is no judgement although their is disagreements. So we are who we are and he is who he is and we just let it be. My kids know that my dad does not believe the same as him....... and we are Ok with that for now.

So I guess I would be respectful for your family to believe what they believe as you would want them to be respectful for your beliefs. And when your child is at their home, he can be educated to her beliefs..... but then it is your job to say ........well that is what Grandma says but we do it this way.
ect..... Eventually it will get harder I am sure as he gets older and then someday we all face the reality that they want to go a certain direction away from what we taught. So It is a touchy thing.

I didn't read all the replies so I may repeat some stuff. I'm agnostic and my husband is atheist so there is no religion in our house. We did agree that our kids would be raised to make up their own minds when it came to religion. We also agreed that in that if the kids wanted to attend church of any kind we would make arrangements for them via friends or family for them to go.
So far family has been very respectful of that and to date none of them have pressured or pushed the boys toward religion. But huge but here both our families know that we do discuss religion in our house and that we are very open with our boys about it. They know that the boys are free to attend church and be exposed to other religions as long as the boys are comfortable with it.
So what you can do is sit your mother down and explain that right now you don't want him swayed toward any religion even her own. Let her know that when he wants to attend church or learn about religion it should be HIS choice not anyone else's. That seemed to help some friends and family who thought we were depriving our boys of religion. It might help your mother understand more if you explain it that you want your son to have freewill when it comes to his religious choices.
Worse comes to worse you may have to stop letting him sleep over til she understands that you want your son raised your way. That may sound harsh to some but in most cases it is the only way to insure your child will be raised your way. My sons aren't allowed to stay with my MIL for extended periods of time,not for religious reasons, but for differences on opinions on how kids should be raised.

I respect and applaud your decision to raise your child without religion. It was the best gift my parents gave me, and my husband and I are working to provide this opportunity for our own children. I say "working" because it IS work. His mother defines herself through her religion and believes it is her duty to convert our children. After over stepping boundaries we clearly set out for her, she is no longer permitted to bring up her religion with our children until they are 18 and has supervised visits only (and no sleepovers). We actively seek to expose our children to many religions and cultures; her agenda meant she lost the opportunity to be a part of that. Some may find this harsh, but until you've experienced someone trying to indoctrinate your child through manipulation, guilt and scare tactics...these were the measures required to enable our children to still have a relationship with their grandparents.

yea.... i dont think many people responding get it... i know exactly what you are feeling. we focus more on right from wrong, everyone, religion or not knows inherently what is good and what is bad. we want our daughter to be open minded, not lead close minded in one direction by a religion that battles that they are the one and only true thing and that everything else is evil. anyways, i cant be of much help in this situation because my mother is doing the same thing, now our daughter has a certain way set in her mind. i know there is nothing more painful and frustrating than not being in control of how you want to raise YOUR child. the difference with all kinds of religions being around everywhere and the fact that its coming from your mother is that it is building the foundation from home... its not difficult to steer them away from outside influences, but coming from home atmosphere... from someone your child trusts with every word is what ingrains them. the only thing i can hope for is to move one day so the influence isnt as strong, it is hard when people do not respect boundaries such as with your own child. that is one thing that should be respected, it is no one's say but your own. im thinking it might be difficult later on for the child to realize different that what is in his belief core already. just try to keep steady, you must have some type of beliefs in common as husband and wife, that have nothing to do with religion. try to keep steadfast in them, show and talk to your child about it, if not, there might be a void there that grandma with very easily fill. sorry i couldnt be of more help... seeking help myself...

I'm chiming in late here... but just had to...

<laughing hysterically> Do you wonder how different your responses would be if it was his OTHER grandmother who was the issue? AKA prayers 5 times a day kneeling east (assuming you're in N.America), modified Ramadan (since kids and pregnant women and travelers and those with medical conditions, etc., don't fast), or placing a Hijab on your daughter whenever your daughter was in her care?

People tend not to notice their "normal" as something anyone in their right mind would want avoided.

I would bring it up with your mum the same way. Explain that if you were to allow her christian faith to be showered on your children with all good intent, then so too, would your children be needing to follow Islamic law and custom with your husband's parents. She probably doesn't even NOTICE all the christian bits that are in her life, but she sure as heck would notice the islamic bits.

Well, ours wasn't religious more a spoiling and feeding (What you fed my 3 month old ICECREAM! This from the grandfather that had 2 of his 3 children so allergic to milk that they must go to the hospital and nearly asphyxiate if they eat any milk product? REALLY!?).

I ended up having to cut contact for about 3 or 4 months. I picked up the phone but we lived 3 miles away and just didn't see them. I told them why after we allowed them to see the kids again saying "we didn't know how to broach the subject before and really it made me so mad that I could not have talked civilly with you about it until I gave myself some time to cool off..." and then went into what we found objectionable. My parents then knew what happened for me to withhold the grand kids from them and realized it might take a lot longer for me to "calm down" if it happened again.

You need to read, "The Longest Trip Home" by John Grogan. Very good book on many levels, but there are several spots where his parents are very upset when they chose not to raise their kids in the church. It's just insightful to both sides.

God Luck

I would be upset, too. But, on further reflection, it is their beliefs. I would say something to them, but be very respectful if you would like them to respect your position. As you know, 'beliefs' are a sensitive topic. You can approach it as you would hope she would respect your beliefs as you will teach your son to respect hers/theirs. Exposure is one thing, indoctrination is another.

Jen

Contrary to the postings below, I share your concern. Religious differences has always been a deep struggle with my parents and I. As a child I was required to respect thier beleifs, as an adult, in my home with my own child, I don't think its unreasonable that you should ask the same of them. My parents are Mormon, My husband is Muslim, and I disagree with the confines of organized religion, instead believing that an omnipitant power is above all that. We want our daughter exposed to the concepts and genralities of a variety of beleif systems, without all the specific doctrine and rituals of any one sect of any one faith. When she is older she can pursue any interests she has, but for now, I am determined that she not be preached at and caught up in all the "this is right" "that is wrong" of it all. I want to be respectful of my parents, but it bothers me to no end when they give her bible stories, and try to teach her to pray. I respect thier faith in thier home, its ok to expect the same in return.