Tricky Religious Situation

I was raised Catholic, until my parents divorced.. Long story about the hypocritical Church, when my father was allowed to get married in the Catholic church to his 2nd wife. FYI, Money talks and has power.

We slowly fell away from the church. We did teach our daughter about all sorts of different religions and beliefs. We wanted her to understand as many as possible, but she also was not interested in joining any of them.

And so we are all Agnostic. We try to always be honest with our families about our feelings. We believe in living as good people, helping others, being honest, and supporting others in their beliefs, but we do not need a religion or a building to go to on assigned days to live happy, helpful, kind lives.

We are adults. We make our own choices, and we do not try to be anything other than ourselves. We have always been honest with our families about our beliefs. And of course they love us and accept us, just as we are.

If you and your husband aren't believers, retaking your vows in the church and taking your kids to church just to appease Grandma would make you hypocrites.
Are you willing to sacrifice your personal integrity, and teach your kids that it's ok to lie if it makes someone else happy?
My mom would love to see me return to Christianity, but it ain't gonna happen. And it's not her decision to make, nor would it be appropriate for her to request it.

Donna, you can't put a being in which you don't believe first. And non-belief doesn't make you any less a person or a citizen of this country.
You don't have to believe in a deity to behave in a decent, ethical manner. If my non-belief, and the fact that I didn't force my child to go to church offends you, that's your issue to fix, not mine.

I think it's really WRONG to use religion as a weapon of control.
I think if either of you cared to attend church, you'd already be doing it.
I think if either of you cared to "be" Catholic, you would.
There are MANY religious choices out there.
Good luck!

I was raised Catholic and am now Wiccan or a Witch. If a situation comes up where I need to go to the Catholic Church such as a wedding or funeral I go but I wear my Pentacle. I have never gotten any flack by doing this.
I refuse to have anything to do with the church. The Catholic church is corrupt. Pedifile priests were enough for me to walk away. I know practicing Catholics who are openingly living with a signifcant other which is against the Church rules. I will not be a part of all of that.
People may not agree with how I choose to live my life but I am honest about who I am.

Tell grandma religion is a personal thing and you believe in freedom of religion. It is your choice on how you raise your children. You should not take your children to church just to appease someone else.

I agree with Dana. I get that she's 82, but seriously? Your spiritual life is YOURS, not hers. I think it's disrespectful for HER to be telling her kids "before I die, come back to the church". Ugh. Wrong. Be gentle, cause yeah - she's 82- but she's out of line.

Your husband needs to take the reins here and gently but firmly tell his grandmother that while he respects her wishes and doesn't intend to disappoint her, this is not a wish that he can fulfill. And leave it at that. Faith is incredibly personal and can't be taken on to appease family. I teach religious education at my church and it's pathetic how many of the kids in my class - who are in second grade and have received the sacraments of Reconciliation and will received Eucharist this year - haven't set foot in church since their baptisms. I don't understand why people put their kids through religious education while not believing enough in the church to bother participating in worship, which is way more important than the Sunday school part. I suspect many do it out of obligation or to appease a grandparent. Don't be those people and go through the motions of having your daughter receive sacraments without actually believing and participating in the church...your time and energy are better spent exploring belief systems, if any, that speak to your heart and align with what you believe is true and enrich your lives.

I attend church with my children and my husband does not attend. The kids understand that mom believes and dad doesn't. I have told them that the reason I have them attend church is so that they can decide for themselves whether they choose to believe or not.

It depends on whether your husband is on the fence because he misses church, or because he wants to appease Grandma. You've already done something to appease the parents, and I understand why you would do that. It didn't seem like a big deal, it made them happy, the children didn't know the difference, etc. A lot of us do things like that regarding weddings, holidays, baptisms, and so on.

Grandma has tipped her hand - she's looking toward the approaching end of her life (which could be a year or could be 20, but still, she's in the last chapters), and she's concerned about not seeing everyone she loves in heaven. She believes the teachings of her church, that not everyone will go to heaven - and she's torn by the teachings of her church which have sustained and bolstered her all these years which now may actually separate her from those she loves. I'm sure she is totally sincere in her belief. That doesn't mean you have to share it.

Baptizing an infant is one thing. Sending an 8 year old to catechism and mass and first communion after 8 years of doing nothing is hard enough. It's impossible if the parents are doing it to please Grandma. It also really denigrates Catholicism, frankly, by giving the message that "I know it's pointless and painful, but you have to do it even though I won't."

On the other hand, if your husband is really looking for a chance to go back to the church and he has missed it, there's nothing wrong with one parent taking the child and both of you saying that people have different religions in the family. You have to be comfortable with what she's going to be taught, though, even if you don't attend.

This is your husband's grandmother. He's undecided about whether to do this. It's his issue to deal with. It's not up to you to find the words to deal with Grandma because you will "be the problem" in her eyes if you "prevent" her grandson from doing what she thinks God wants. I think he has to decide what he really wants, and be willing to face Grandma. If he's only doing this to make Grandma happy, that's not going to work at all in your home.

There's nothing wrong with a child attending church with Grandma to see what Grandma finds so fulfilling and wonderful. However, if Grandma's going to spend the time twisting Grandchild's arm, then it's a bad idea.

I think your husband (with your support) has to find a way to tell Grandma that you all aren't Catholic anymore, and that you know how important church is to her and you are happy for her that she finds such strength and purpose in her religious life. You can explain your objections to the church or its teachings, but that may make things worse for her. He may just have to tell her it's not up for discussion and that, while you have no desire to make her unhappy, you hope she has no desire to make you all unhappy either. If the 8 year old wants to go to church anytime, you will allow it or take her, and she can always find the religion of her choice when she is an adult. Assure Grandma that you will teach your child to honor and respect the religion of her grandma but that it cannot be forced on her. At some point, your husband may have to put his foot down if he is not really interested in church but more in avoiding conflict with Grandma.

One thing about this new pope is that he seems to be a bridge-builder, and one who is more focused on spreading love and charity to people of all faiths. He seems to feel that religion should not be a dividing wall among citizens of the world. There are some lapsed Catholics who are feeling a little more welcomed. But that doesn't mean everyone has to go back if it means nothing to them.

FYI I converted to another religion some years ago. Some people in my family had trouble with it, and some were thrilled that I was happy and embraced the chance to learn more. But in the end, I had to do what was right for me. I've never regretted it, and I feel sorry for those whose faith is so precarious that they can't be accepting of others.

i would respond with much respect and affection, but there's no way i'd allow someone else to dictate not only my own religious and spiritual life, but that of my kids. i'd have a pleasant, low-key conversation with her (ideally in person- is that an option?) and simply tell her that you love her for her concern, and appreciate her desire to share in her beloved religion with you, but that it would be wrong to put on a semblance of belief and to have your children exposed to teachings you don't actually think are true. and i wouldn't apologize or leave any wiggle room.
my parents and in-laws are all her age. they're elderly and sometimes things get fuzzy, but they're not children. we still have adult conversations which include respectful and loving disagreements.
i certainly wouldn't do anything this big just to make someone else happy, even a beloved grandmother. this kind of thing is important.
khairete
S.

Be nice but tell her no can do Grandma.
She's probably thinking she's losing brownie points in heaven because her descendants are not as church going as she is.

Oh the church guilt trip. I feel your pain except remove Catholic and insert Southern Baptist for me.
I let the kids go with my mom if they want to go, but my husband and I don't attend. I just simply can't stand church. Not knocking the good Lord, but it pretty much goes for any situation where I have to sit and listen to any kind lecture/preaching. I figure I did my time as a kid, and I worked in churches. And I sat through plenty of lectures in college. Being paid to go to church helped, but not much. I've been to all kinds of churches, too. It's just not my thing.
Having said that- I have often gone to church for others. Mother's Day with my mom, or Easter with my MIL. I consider it a gift. Maybe you could do the same? Just for one day? Or fake sick. Or just have your husband say "She couldn't make it today" and leave it at that. Unfortunately, those are your just about your only options. :(

Once you baptized them you agreed to raise them according to the Catholic religion. Now Grandma would like to see that followed thru. iMHO I say take the kids to church, follow thru with the sacraments and let them decide
As a you g adult what they want to do. You should not have baptized them if you were not ready to follow thru.

Exactly what is your husband on the fence about? Is he thinking that you two should renew your vows in the catholic church? If you are NOT interested, I'd say that ship has sailed. Start taking your kids to church? That might be right for the kids. You can give them the opportunity to decide later on whether or not they want to continue being catholic. And grandma will probably have passed on by the time they are old enough to decide on their chosen religion.

I would not go back and get married in a catholic ceremony for grandma. Take the kids to church, yes, for the kids' sake. Revisit the marriage for her? Oh heavens, NO. Just because she's 82 doesn't mean that she gets to rewrite your history by changing your present in this regard.

As far as you not going is concerned, that's your choice. Lots of people who grew up in different religions go to their own churches. It's a person decision. Your children will have to understand that.

My parents were in the same boat. My VERY Catholic grandparents wanted me to be raised Catholic. My parents (who were both raised in religious families) couldn't have cared less about religion, and did not want to attend church. So, they told my grandparents that they were more than welcome to take me to church with them every Sunday, as long as I was willing. My grandparents would pick me up Saturday night, I'd spend the night with them (a huge win for my parents, I'm sure ;), and we would go to church on Sunday, and then go to brunch afterward. I have fond memories of that. My grandparents saw to it that I had my first communion and confirmation.

Of course, at the end of the day, as much as I did enjoy spending the time with my grandparents, and as fascinating as I found mass to be, I ended up becoming an atheist as an adult. But I do consider my early religious studies to have been a help to me, and I'm glad I have the understanding that I do of religion and religious people.

So, if your husband's grandmother would be willing to take your kids to church, and you're willing to let them go (and they want to), why not allow her to be in charge of that aspect of their lives?

This is a difficult situation, but I think it's important to be true to yourself. Your kids will respect honesty. I think you and your husband need to come to terms with what YOU believe, and how you want to practice your spirituality. Then to Grandma I might say, "I respect and understand your concerns for us, and am so thankful to you that you pray for us everyday. We are raising our daughter to respect and love herself and others, and we are determining how that is going to be a part of our family. Right now it's not in the Catholic Church, but God is present in our lives and love."

To your daughter, be loving parents. She learn to be loving too. Afterall God is love.

Tell her exactly what you are telling us. That's it.

Are you agnostic or atheist?

If you believe in God, you might find a middle ground with a church with traditions/beliefs consistent with yours. For example, a protestant or Unitarian church. This might add to your life, educate your kids about religion, and appease Grandma.

But, I suggest this only if you believe in God but not the Catholic church. If you don't believe in God, then I don't see any choice but to explain this to Grandma.

And, this also applies separately to your husband. You don't get to make his choices about what he believes, and he doesn't get to choose for you. If he wants to go back to the church with the kids, you support him because teaching kids about their future choices is not a bad thing. And you tell the kids that different people believe different things. Some people, including Daddy, believe in God. And you don't.

If he decides to go, then you explain to the kids that you and their father choose different beliefs. My DH doesn't attend with us, but that doesn't mean he doesn't respect my desire to raise DD in my church. Now, if your DH does go, I hope he does for himself and not just because Grandma wants it. Otherwise it will not be his truth and it will not be sincere.

My mom and mil were church attending Catholics and we were under pressure to baptize the children. Since neither of us were religious we decided not to baptize the kids.

You, on the other hand, baptized your children in which you agreed to teach them the religion and follow the practices of the religion. So his grandmother is now telling you to honor your agreement. You should never do something with your children only to please your parents. You are the boss of your family.

If your husband decides to attend church with your children and send them to religious lessons then that's great. You don't have to attend. My father and fil weren't religious and didn't attend with the rest of the family and that's ok.

I don't see the 'tricky' part, nor does this really have anything to do with religion. You and your husband, your family, have made a decision concerning your current ideology.
No need to change or amend that to appease an 82 year old woman with a different set of generational core values.
No need to offend or be disrespectful either, simply state your position and be done with it.

We have the identical situation. Only difference is that I am not willing to appease the grandparents. Being that it's only THEM that it's important to, THEY will take my kids to church for all of those hoops. That was our happy medium. I am not opposed to my kids learning about it, but it will not come from me.

I don't think you have to offer an explanation for why you don't want to go. We don't, and they have not asked. They just know it's something they do with grandparents. If they do eventually seek and explanation, I would assume that if they are asking that question, they are old enough to understand my answer. So at that time, I would just give them a loose explanation.

I don't think you have to mask this. It's a wonderful lesson to your kids about people choosing different paths, and allowing them to choose their own.

C.,

You say you have no desire to return to the church. WHY? Once you have the answer to that question, everything else will fall into place.

If I read your post correctly, your husband's grandmother is NOT asking YOU to return to church, but her grandchildren. Are you opposed to having your children learn about God and religion? IF so, why? You need to ask yourself the hard questions and answer them honestly.

If it's Catholicism you have a problem with - have you tried other churches? I am a Christian. I was raised Protestant. As I grew older, I became more Conservative. I've found that the Russian Orthodox (Eastern Orthodox) works for me. My husband was raised Episcopalian. Our children were baptized in the Episcopal Church. After the Anglican Break in 2005, we've moved closer to the Orthodox church. Maybe try other churches to see if that works for you.

Then you need to have a good, long conversation with your husband about WHY **YOU** have withdrawn from the church....maybe he is just taking your lead. Maybe he DOES want to go back to church. Once you figure out WHY YOU have withdrawn, then you can tackle the problem with your husband.

There are plenty of people who drop their kids off for church. Yes, I know. Funky. But I have seen it happen. Parents let their children make decisions on their religion...so they drop them off....

Don't let anyone dictate your church attendance.

Anyone who has a sincere love for God would never hold church attendance over anyone's head. They would know church isn't an act of joining or going. Church is your relationship with God and the desire to worship Him with other believers.

Church has changed dramatically. In the old days it was fire and brimstone. In the last decade or so it was "peace, love and acceptance" to the point where you couldn't tell the difference between church goers and mall walkers and everyone fits in. But these days I see more of a blend...more of the plain toughlove Gospel truth but totally covered by grace and mercy. She may want that for your family.

I do hope and pray you give church another try one day. That's the one comforting thing for me about God. He always loves us even when we don't want anything to do with Him.

in my opinion you need to think about why you don't want to go to church.
if it's because it was boring then find one that isn't. is it because you don'rt believe or just aren't sure anymore? i urge you to seek knowledge and pray for an answer to your questions of faith. maybe you need to try a different denomination. do you just not want to get up in the mornings to go? find one that's in the evening or just go during the week for children's functions.
finally i want to leave you with the fact that your religion or lack there of is your choice. the way you teach your kids about God is your choice. if you are a believer it is your job to teach your children about God and His Son. it doesn't have to be in a church, but i urge you to find a church family that does make you want to be there. it can be a great experience and a second family if you find the right one. there are so many out there to choose from. good luck with your choices:)

I think she (Grandma) is doing what the Catholic Church, as well as many other churches suggest, which is to introduce and/or invite back those who have fallen from their religion.

As for your family, the two of you are the parents and should make the final decision.

My understanding of your post is that you were okay with the religion enough to baptize your children, who are at least 8 years old. The situation is simply, you don't want to be involved and your husband may want to be involved, however, to appease Grandma.

In our situation, we had to baptize our daughter before she turned 7, otherwise she would have to take additional classes. My understanding is that after 7, she is old enough to understand what is going on and should be taught the reason's for baptism. Under 7, the parents and godparents bring the child to the church for baptism and agree to guide the child through their Catholic faith.

Now that we are at the First Communion stage, there are plenty of families who are in attendance as a single parent, for various reasons.

With that said, I think this should be a decision between you and your husband. If your husband feels he wants to make his grandmother happy and take the kids, he can. If you want to attend mass from time to time, you can. If you both decide this is not something you want to do, then he will have to communicate that to her.

If the decision is made to move toward their FHC, then he/you should contact the church to find our what their requirements are. They may need to start by enrolling in the weekly catechism classes, which likely would not start until next year.

Awkward situation indeed... Fortunately, you aren't the person who has to actually respond to her. The card was sent to her grandson, your husband, and therefore he's the person who will need to respond ultimately. For your part, if she ever asks you about attending church, you can say (as kindly and respectfully as possible) that you feel no draw towards practicing the faith, or maybe that you express your convictions through your treatment of other people, through volunteering, or whatever way you might feel you express morality/ethics/spirituality. You can support your husband in whatever decision he makes (if he does feel like he wants to have the kids participate in the religion or if he decides he really doesn't want to and needs to tell g-ma that it's a no-go).

Regarding how to handle a possible difference in religious practices in the household (namely if your husband takes the kids to church without you), you can be sure that many families face this same question. My husband and I are of different faiths, with me practicing more and having the kids involved in the synagogue. When we go to a service, he just stays home or shows up for the meal afterwards, and the kids have no questions about it. They know he isn't Jewish and doesn't worship there; to them, it is normal. So your husband or you can just tell the kids that you don't feel like worshiping at the church, and you'll see them afterwards.

Good luck with it!

Honestly, I'd not even respond to it if this is the first time she brought it up.

If she mentioned it again. a simple "I'm sorry grandma, but we've made other choices for our family."

if she's offended that you're not jumping through her hoops, so be it. That would be ridiculous, but you can't control the feelings of others. My grandmother is 89 and would never treat me in that manner, so don't think age has anything do do with it.

What you do not do is disagree about things and let this split your core family - you, him, the kids - apart. That isn't an option. (It would also be a very non-Catholic action to take.) One way or another, you will have to come to an agreement about what you both want to do.

hmm, its not really a tricky question if you simply say, i am sorry, but..my husband is one religion and i am of a different religion,and we have agreed to not push our child into following one religion over another , but, instead, we are going to wait until the child is old enough to choose the religion they wish to follow themselves, that way, neither of our families will feel put out or rejected. a couple we know has done just that, they decided to wait until their child is old enough to choose their own religion..he is cajun catholic, she is american jewish. K. h. or, you could simply invite the grandmother over to your house , rather then meet her at a church,so she can visit with her family without anyone feeling pressured to go to church.i dont blame you at all for being concerned about pedophiles in churches, i was approached by a local pastor several months ago,he eagerly told how wonderful it would be to have our toddler in his daycare , how it would "give me a break for a few hours a day", i said, i am sorry, but, you would have to talk to my husband..the pastor was picked up by the great state of texas just a days later..for child molestation. just goes to show you, you cant be too careful when it comes to your childs safety. we dont take any chances, why should you?

I think it took a lot for her to ask. She was a mom with a mother in law, sister in laws, etc...always butting in and trying to manage her life in her adulthood years. She's been there, done that, so it took a lot for her to butt in and ask.

I think that's amazing for her. That she cares enough about your family to take that risk.

I'd take them a few times and ask them what they think, do they want to go to that church? Do they want to go without mom or dad? To go sit with grandma and be really really good kids?

Parents don't have to go with kids nowadays. They ride the bus to church on their own all the time. Otherwise go with them a few times so you can see how they react and respond. If the teachers have a good teaching style for your kids learning styles, etc...

Why are your drowning in a glass of water? She didn't say she wanted to see you go to church. She said her grand kids. Why is it such a crime to give an 82 year old grandma her request? Do you take into consideration that she came from an era that people believe God exist. I bet she prays every day for her family and grand kids. She is asking this out of LOVE she has for her grand kids.

I was raised Catholic, I made my first communion and it didn't destroy my life.

If your husband goes with the kids and you decide not to go , tell your kids the truth. That's it's your CHOICE not to go, that's it.

It is your choice and you do not owe grandma anything, but you do owe it to yourself to be honest. Unfortunately, you can not do things in life to please other people. What if you were an Athiest and she said that before she dies she wants you to convert to being a Catholic? There is a such thing as asking/expecting too much.

These are her life standards, not yours. Religion is just one of the many things we can choose to do or not to do. Church/Religion isn't for everyone and that's really ok. And even if you two gave in to this demand, that does not mean that your children/you will be devout in following the Catholic faith. It's all ceremonial. I attend church when I want to and don't feel compelled because it is what some else expects or demands. If I don't want to go, I don't. You can kindly state your position and hope that she understands.

This is your and your husband's life! Do not succomb to the guilt trip! I know this all too well, unfortunately. You and your husband need to live your lives the way you want to b/c you are adults! Simply have your husband tell his grandma (with zero guilt) that you two are not religious anymore, and will not be getting remarried in a church or getting your kids their communion. She will have to deal with her disappointment. How sad that she cannot appreciate that she has a healthy family (b/c health is what is most important in life). Someone could have cancer, but instead, she is getting all upset over nothing (in my opinion, this is nothing compared to the big picture). Live your life for yourselves, and for no one else. Learn how to say no to people (I learned that the hard way). Good luck!

Hi, C.:

Principles of Liberty #4: Without religion the government of a free people cannot be maintained.
Principles of Liberty #5: All things were created by God, therefore upon Him all mankind are equally dependent, and to Him they are equally responsible.

Our country was founded because we, the people, were led here by God to be a "manifest destiny" to be an example and a blessing to the entire human race.

Today, many people are not putting God first. As a result, children aren't taught that there is a Supreme Being that guides our destiny.

Our liberties are cast asunder for personal consumerism. Laws are made to support it. We, the people, are failing to be virtuous and morally strong.

It is the duty to honor our parents and our elders.

The real question is: "Why do you have no desire to return to church?"

I am offended by young couples who do not take their children to Sunday School and Church. You won't be just offending your children's grandmother, but all women of her age.

How do you think we learn to do the right thing? How many times have you been offended by someone being disrespectful to you? Our American citizens have become self absorbed.

Where do you think our liberty came from? Our liberty came from an expression of our belief in God.

I suggest you and your husband go and talk with the child's grandmother. Tell her why you dropped away from the church. Come up with the reasons and do something about it.

Good luck.
D.

If your grandmother-in-law is really a devout Catholic, then she is aware the sacraments you specified should not be undertaken lightly and can not be rushed under most circumstances.
In most archdioceses, preparing for First Communion is a 2 year program. Sometimes, you can do an intensive 1 year program at home, but it sounds like neither you nor your husband have the background to conduct that. (I don't mean that offensively. I'm pretty devout and couldn't do the intensive program for my older daughter.)Especially not if you will be spending time preparing to receive the sacrament of matrimony yourselves. A couple at our parish just had their marriage regularized after 15 years of civil marriage and 3 kids. They still had to do the 6 month program beforehand.