Relationships - Huntington Beach, CA

No amount of arguing in front of a child is healthy. On the other hand we are all human and it may happen on occasion. If it is a regular thing then I would seek counceling. Sounds like hubby could use some anyways. Good luck to you. : )

Since I don't know much about your husband, I can only be very general. But, in general, people who come from loud, contentious families tend to view that behavior not as arguing or conflict, but as passion. They view quiet, calm people as boring. Any attempt by a quiet, agreeable partner to get them to tone down their behavior is seen as an attempt to take all the fun out of life and squelch the partner, as well as trap them in a tame, passionless, boring existence. Men especially tend to feel emasculated if they're used to a lot of conflict and are then told that it's wrong.

Since all of us tend to use our own experiences as a yardstick, your husband is probably very puzzled, because he's undoubtedly already made an effort to be different than his parents, and he doesn't understand why you don't appreciate it. If someone grew up with parents who, say, smashed things in anger, verbal arguing already seems very tame and toned down.

Your husband may never have seen people who respect differences in opinion, so he would have no idea what that looks like, or even if it exists. When you disagree, even over small things, he probably feels attacked and belittled.

The thing is, there are TWO of you in your marriage, not just you or just your husband. You'll probably have to be more tolerant of verbal outbursts than you're comfortable with, but your husband needs to be less loud and aggressive than he's comfortable with.

You can't ask general things like, "No arguing." You have to be VERY SPECIFIC in what you ask. You can say, "No name calling," or, "Just because we disagree doesn't mean that one of us is stupid." Choose the specific behaviors that you find most hurtful, and explain that even if it doesn't make sense to your husband, those things cause you so much pain that you feel it damages the marriage. Be very patient - real change takes a long time. You may want a counselor as well - husbands sometimes value "expert" opinion higher than anything their wife says.

NONE OF THIS BEHAVIOR means that you are unloved! Remember that, too. :)

Good luck! God bless.

Okay, this may come out of left field, but maybe your husband has ADD or ADHD...the constant arguing is one of the many behaviors that ADD's use to stimulate themselves to "feel" & focus...there is a great book on ADD called "Healing ADD" by Dr. Daniel G. Amen..he mentions the different types of ADD & some ways to cope.

My oldest daughter has ADHD & she was constantly agruing & having to have the last word--on EVERYTHING--it was bad..we are working on it now, but I will say after trying lots of different coping mechanisms, including a med--she isn't so agrumentive. Her frustration level has been reduced greatly & she isn't so angry at the world.

I also grew up in a household that was like living in WW3-when my husband visited me (before we were married) he was surprised that anyone could live in a house filled with that much animosity. IT was horrible, I wouldn't wish living like that on anyone. We've been married almost 27 years & I needed to re-learn how to communicate, since my "role models" only shouted at each other & put each other down...but I did & I think the best thing is to talk to each other--a lot. We rarely agrue, we really try to talk to each other about whatever it is before it gets too crazy. Which is hard when you have little ones, but worth the effort.

Regardless of ADD or not, counseling, alone or together would be a good thing...it seems like he needs to explore his anger issues... if you could take some couple's communication classes together that might help. Good luck!

I totally understand what you mean.

I would, gently "remind" your Husband, that before you got married he told you that his parents constantly argued and it bothered him and he didn't want to repeat that.
THEN, segue that into the fact that all of his 'arguing' is creating an example in your child, and if your Husband wants your son to grow up the same way and "repeat" the same behavior that he and his parents have done...

Your Husband I'm sure gets irritated too, with the constant arguing, but he probably does not know how to stop. How about he join a local Toastmasters group or public speaking club... or even a book reading club... in order to 'learn' how to talk, normally. When my own Dad was younger, that is what he did... because he wanted to "improve" his speaking ability.... my Dad's Father's family... is a BIG 'arguing" type of family and very loud and bossy... and every single "conversation" they had was an "argument" or tirade or a way to put down the other person. So- I know where you are coming from.
Anyway- perhaps if your Husband "realizes" that it is not "you" that is picking on him or judging him... but that it is for the common-good of providing an example for your child and as a Husband... maybe he will be more open to "improving" his conversation style???

There is a difference between 'arguing" and having a disagreement... calmly & discussing it like adults. Since your Husband was raised in an arguing family, he probably does not know what is rational "disagreement" versus "arguing." For him, maybe everything provokes him to argue, because that is the way he was "taught" as a child by seeing his Parents constantly fighting- there was no 'middle-ground' in his family.

So, perhaps approach your Husband in a "hey honey can you help me..." kind of tack, instead of "I don't like your personality and something is wrong with you...." kind of tack. Men, don't like feeling "wrong" or that they don't know how to do something... so, if you cradle the "problem" in such a way that "his parents habit of arguing" is impacting him & WILL impact your own child... maybe he will see the light and understand... that you are not "attacking" him personally per say, but the BEHAVIOR... which he IS repeating, like his parents. So it's up to him... not others to blame.

The thing is, this "problem" IS completely solvable. It just entails your Husband learning about communication and not taking it personally... it is just self-improvement... for the sake of your/his son, so that HIS Parent's and his own bad habits of "arguing" is not entrenched into your own family. A man or any parent, does create a "legacy" in their children behaviorally.... so ask your Husband, "What legacy do you want to create for your son?" Any child, deserves to learn happy ways of communicating... not negative. Maybe if framed in that sort of way, your Husband will understand.
Anything a child learns now, will affect them or 'become' a habit in their entire life... just as your Husband duplicated his own Parent's arguing behavior in himself.
I think your Husband just does not realize that. Remind him, lovingly.

All the best,
Susan

I don't think it is as simple as a "choice" for your husband since that is what he has known all of his life. I know how frustrating it is because I am more like you (mellow) and my husband is completely opposite (very passionate!). My husband works very hard at toning it down, but it is "work" for him, not natural. It is something he is aware of and knows how it affects me so he works on it. I don't think it is terrible for children to see some mild conflict between their parents as long it is not heated or adversarial, and is also resolved in front of them. I think that could even teach healthy relational skills because conflict is a part of life. But if it is a serious disagreement, we keep that away from the kids because we don't ever want them to fear that we are divided. We always want them to see Daddy and Mommy as one.

I think couselling would be very helpful with something like this. My husband and I have regularly sought cousel from others in our church, we started with pre-marriage counselling to prepare for marriage, and we have continued with marriage counselling when we need it. I am seeing a professional marriage and family therapist for the first time now (it's covered completely by insurance!) and I find it very helpful. She can help me see and understand things. My husband is deployed but due home very soon and I am planning for us to talk with her together. My husband is very open to that so I know he won't mind. I know many men can feel threatened or feel like a failure just by the suggestion to go to couselling, but my husband and I both see it as further development of life skills. If you think your husband will not respond positively to the suggestion for counselling, start going by yourself. I am sure you could benefit a lot by going alone, and then you can think about how to approach your husband to consider joining you. A good counsellor can give you some practical skills to help you and your husband communicate more effectively and help your husband learn how to keep things from turning into an argument. Try to approach the subject with your husband in a way that does not make him feel like he is the one who is at fault or "needs fixing." Nobody likes to feel that way, but especially not a man who wants the respect and admiration of his wife. You could approach it something like this, "I would like us to learn some skills in communicating so we are not arguing so often." It is something you both need to learn together, so try to keep it focused on that.

Anyway, just my ideas. Hope this helps!

L.,

We are all different. There is very little chance of getting married to someone who was raised in the manner as we were. It takes time and patience.

My husband and I are both more so on the controlling side, therefore we both like to be right, and we both like to make the call. It took time, but we pretty much know who calls what shot and when to back off.

Asking your husband to censor himself sounds like asking him to be more like you. I am sure your husband probably doesn't know you are feeling confrontation. You have to let him know rather than shut down. My husband and I will sometimes take days before we both sit down and just converse about the things in particular that are bothering us. Then it feels wonderful. But pretty much, we both have to get over ourselves. We have to realize there are other feelings involved rather than our own.

It is all so much easier when we don't think about ourselves. Not to be confused you don't count because everyone counts.

Hello L.,
Children learn what they live, your husband grew up with an arguing family and that is normal to him and probably will never bother him. Anyway, one way to diffuse the situation is to use this technique. Repeat the last sentence he said as you listen, for example, "So you're saying you are tired of pasta and broccoli?" Then shut up and let him talk, he will soon peter out. You are pointing the finger at his behavior, saying, censor yourself. Ask yourself how easy that may be to a compulsive arguer. All you have control over is yourself and how you react. Find some strategies to diffuse him or else you will continue to contribute to his adversary nature.
Good luck, Wendy

i don't know if this will help but here goes.. My husband is the same and always knows better, knows more and is in general smarter than everyone, he thinks. I, like you, do not like to argue or fight in front of my children so i just tell him he is right until we are in private. i know it might not be the healthiest thing for our marriage in the immediate scene but I do feel it brings the most peace into our home for now.
I love the previous advice and i would defiantly follow it when in private. I have just told my husband i wont argue. I totally disengage and he gets the hint then we can continue when we are alone. I have found this is like a game for him a and i actually enjoy the challenge of arguing over what ever as long as we are alone. to me it is a joke and to him it is like metal Olympics. Why this is fun for him i don't know but i am willing to participate if it fills the need for him and it doesn't get too heated or disrespectful.I realize he likes to be right so i let him be sometimes and sometimes he actually is surprisingly enough. It helps me to remember that i really do love him and we are on this marriage journey together. We have to work as a team to make it work.

We have attended marriage counseling for other issues in the past and it was a great experience. if this turns into something you cant handle and it is hurting the way you feel about yourself i highly recommend looking into it if your husband is willing. i found my husband was very comfortable with the idea if he could pick the counselor. I didn't care as long as he agreed. He seemed to listen much better to a 3rd party rather than me. It was also great for me to learn more about what his real needs were and what needs i had i was not voicing in a way he could understand.
Good luck:) You are a good mom for protecting your son and a great wife for loving your husband even though he can be annoying!

I've been married almost 12 years and have a 2 children that are 3 and under. So it's very important for us to model good behavior, communications, even attitude around them. I don't believe in arguing in front of your children. But i do believe in displaying disagreements in a very HEALTHY manner so that our kids can see that people can disagree but can still work things out and everything is a give and take. So my husband and i do discuss things in front of our kids. But we do not scream or yell or get angry. Although we have made mistakes on rare occasions when we get so upset with each other. But overall, we make a conscious effort to never argue in front of them.

Secondly, we don't believe in antagonizing or disrespecting (pushing buttons etc.), and talking with an "attitudinal" tone to one another, to our children (i.e. well, i already told you). Because speaking in such tones can set a bad example and actually encourage argumentativeness in a child.

We don't engage in a "back and forth" conversation that really leads to no where.
example:
ME (to my daughter): the show is finished and now it's time for your nap

DAUGHTER: but you said that i can watch one more
ME: no i didn't, we agreed on just watching <blank> and then naptime.

DAUGHTER: no you didn't
ME: yes i did.

etc...

For me, i just stop after the FIRST response, and give her a look (while shaking my head) to let her know that we're not going to engage in this conversation. And lead her to her bed for her nap.

As you already know, how we behave and communicate with our spouse will influence how our kids communicate. And how we communicate with our kids, of course, will also matter.

best of luck to you.

I have been with my husband for 19 years and 10 of those we have been married. I have three children ages five and under and I can probably count on one hand how many times we have agrued in front of the kids. By no means are we perfect, but we just aren't arguers. I think you need to talk to her husband in private and just be straight forward. Tell him you don't like it in front of the children and it needs to stop. Kids are going to absorb everything they see.

I do have to say, arguing is one thing. Being abusive is another. Is your husband just a passionate speaker? Or is he calling you names and berrating you in front of the kids? Take a look at your situation and do what it best for you and your kids.

This made me think of a story I heard about feeling a rush of adrenaline from arguing. People get used to it, especially if that is what he grew up with. It can become almost addictive in that they need that quickness of breath and heart beating to feel alive and connected to the people around them.
I heard a woman talk about growing up in a home like that and she said after she got married she would consciously and subconsciously create problems and things to argue about so that she could feel that rush.
It may be that this is the only way he learned to communicate and the way that he feels best connected to those he loves.

You can with or without him knowing, help him stop by keeping yourself calm. I know it can be like holding back the Hoover Dam, but carry on these same conversations, YOU don't get mad and eventually he will get tired of arguing with himself. Even when he pushes your buttons, remember how badly you don't want to fight with him.
It is literally an addiction he has to get over, and it will not cure itself overnight. My mom still has her moments, but she is night and day better since my dad and I stopped fighting back. I stay in the conversation and calmly discuss the point of view she has missed.
If she can change after 60 years, so can your hubby.
Good Luck

there is a practice of resolving conflict called NVC (non violent communication) it might help with your strategy to avoid arguing. there is a great book by Marshal Rosenberg. google it and there's a Youtube video as well.

I don't think you and your husband should argue infront of your child.

Always be calm and loving. Show your child how to be peaceful. Even when other people are not,

Hopefully your husband will change his bad habit soon. It will be difficult. Try to be patient and just love him. Pray for him. That's really all you can really do. Model yourself after Mother Mary. :D can you think of anyone better?

Be strong girl, be strong for your baby!

I have to admit, I see myself in the way you describe your husband. My family debated, discussed and disagreed on a lot. Very rarely was it heated, and everyone was listeded to. I learned a lot, and even changed my parents points of view on some things. But when my ex husband came over for dinner the first time, it bothered him that we discussed politics at the dinner table. His family often read while they ate. Quite a difference.

Once we were married, he spent years trying to change who I was, to tone me down. At one point we ended up in counseling over a large issue that finally ended the marriage and he complained that I kept bringing up the same point over and over again, how much he had hurt me. But the counselor pointed out it was because I wasn't being heard. He never really listened to what I said and acknowledged it. It was yeah, I hurt you, get over it. So in that session he really listend, heard me, and we were able to move on and try to work on the issues. While we were together, his listening and letting me know I was heard, let us talk, not argue. Before I would keep going on because my points were dismissed, and not heard. I pushed to make my point because I needed to be heard. No matter how big or small the issue was.

Perhaps when you tell him you will no longer continue this conversation your husband feels like his points, feelings and thoughts don't count. A very frustrating feeling. They say you can't change anyone else's behavior just you own and the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. So trying making sure he knows you hear him.

I am not trying to accuse you, just give you some food for thought.