I have two children- my son just turned one, my daughter just turned two. They are on a schedule--in bed at 8pm. Well my husband and I, being two very passionate people, and he with an Italian temper, were just fighting after I swore there was enough time for them to have fallen asleep. Well, a half an hour later, I opened the door to their room, which I always do, to make sure they are still covered, etc. My daughter was awake-- and I am overcome with such guilt-- she must have heard us fighting. I have tears in my eyes I don't want her to be subjected to listening to something like this. She stood up in her crib and hugged me, I laid her back down and covered her, and left. Not a peep. Should I talk to her in the morning? Should I let it go? What should I be doing--I am just so upset that this happened.
UPDATE: No violence in this household! No way!
Thanks for your comments. I went in their room this morning, and they were dancing and singing in their cribs, just like any other morning... so I didn't bring it up. I do think though that if we ever get in an argument in front of them, I will be explaining about how mommies and daddies fight (I didn't talk to her last night because it was in the middle of the night for her). I think what a lot of you said about parents not fighting in front of their children being misleading makes a lot of sense. My parents NEVER fought in front of me. In fact, I think they maybe fought once in front of me-- not even a heated argument-- and I thought they were going to get a divorce. They are still married 30 years later-- I guess that worked for them, but I do think that maybe I have a misconstrued idea of what marriage is really like from a child's point of view. All of your outlooks were very eye opening-- I never would have realized this without your comments and support. Thank you again.
She's two. In a few days it'll will be completely forgotten. Don't worry about it. I don't know about you, but I don't remember anything from when I was two.
Once, when my first was 3, she heard us in a VERY heated argument and the fighting only stopped because she was so freaked out and wanted me to sleep with her. It was so sad and we both agreed that it was NOT ok to do that anymore. Not to say that we have never done it since, but not to the extreme.
Another time that she heard us fighting, she wanted me b/c she thought that Daddy was making me sad. I told her that just like she fights with her friends sometimes but they stay friends, it's the same with mommies and Daddies. Sometimes they disagree, but they still love each other.
It's ok for her to hear you argue (as long as there's no name calling or physical violence) as long as she hears you make up too. Learning conflict resolution starts at home. If she can see you two arguing and working it out, it sets a much better example for when she starts school.
Although at 2 she's not going to remember much the next day.
DO NOT hide disagreements from your kids. It paints an unrealistic picture of marriage. EVERYONE disagrees sometimes and that's ok. What's more important is showing her how to come to a compromise and work things out.
Actual research has been done on how children perceive and process fights between their parents (read Nurture Shock for all kinds of eye-opening studies on how children REALLY think).
Kids who see their parents fight and reach an agreeable and loving resolution do just fine emotionally. But if parents realize the kids are listening in and go off behind a bedroom door to finish their fight, or never reach resolution, then the children suffer emotional strain and uncertainty.
A well-resolved argument (at least if no violence ensues) actually models good conflict resolution for children, it seems.
The very best thing parents can do for their children in regard to conflict is to teach them by example how handle it well and to mend the relationship thereafter.
Almost every couple has disagreements from time to time, and you can show them how to handle them in a healthy manner. This doesn't mean you should purposely have arguments in front of them, but let them see you work out the little squabbles in a peaceful manner and make sure they can see evidence of having "cleaned up the mess" if they accidentally hear something more dramatic.
Let them hear you tell each other that you are sorry about fighting and that loving each other as a family is more important than any issue you may disagree about. (And try to remember that this is true!!) There is no need to tell children what the issue was.
If you tell kids something like "Mommy and Daddy should not have yelled at each other. We know better ways to work out problems, and we are sorry that we yelled at each other this time," they learn a lot about taking personal responsibility for mistakes and the need for restraining tempers, and they become reassured that everything is okay now.
Your children are very young and will likely forget about this, but your daughter might be anxious if she remembers it when she wakes up in the morning. Imaginations can make things seem worse than they really are, so a casual reassurance like mentioned above can set her worries aside. If she didn't hear anything, then she'll probably just shrug off your comment.
I wouldn't make a huge deal out of it because that will just bring it all back up again and really, sometimes little kids can't differentiate between loudness and fighting.
The talk you need to have is with your husband. ALL couples disagree. If you need to have a heated discussion, go out to the garage or somewhere else. Couples need to get things out.
I wouldn't worry too much at this point because for one thing, you are worried about your kids hearing you. That means you care.
You can't protect your kids from every single little thing. Sometimes mommy and/or daddy raise their voices, but it doesn't mean they don't still love the kids or each other and it's okay.
I had and aunt and uncle who bickered and nit picked every single day of their married life and it's just the way they communicated. Neither called names or said "I hate you" or anything like that. Strangely, if they weren't bickering, we thought they were mad at each other.
Don't beat yourself up. It doesn't sound like she was traumatized.
Greet her with a happy smile in the morning, have daddy give her a big hug and kiss and let her know everything is fine in her little world.
There's fighting over a disagreement and then there is attacking one another and it's a big difference.
If your kids are going to be raised with two very passionate people they are bound to hear some raised voices now and again, even for the good stuff.
Let it go. Done is done.
You really don't even know what she heard so you shouldn't try to explain adult stuff to a 2 year old.
That's my opinion, and my advice.
Best wishes.
Honestly, I think regardless of her age, you should talk with her. Tell her that you were arguing with daddy but you worked it out and it doesn't change anything in regards to her or your love for daddy. Let her know its normal and healthy to fight, but to do it in the right way and no name calling. Children are like sponges, they absorb EVERYTHING. The good, positive and the bad and negative. They automatically go into thinking that THEY caused this to happen in some way. You need to start early with reassuring her that its between you and daddy-and she didn't do anything wrong. Best wishes
M
There's arguing, where the discussion may get heated, and then there is screaming insults and bad names and cuss words at each other. If it is the latter, and it is happening frequently, than that would be a cause for concern. However, presenting kids with a picture of marriage that never shows Mom and Dad disagreeing with each other and always painting a rosy picture is not realistic. Kids need to see that 2 people can disagree, have an argument, but still love each other and treat each other with respect. I would just let it go for now, but realize that by never arguing in front of the kids, they may grow up with a distorted view of how marriage is supposed to be. Then when they get into their first argument with their spouse, they won't know how to handle it - they think it's the end of the world, because you should never have to fight with your spouse!
Our daughter is 3 and DH and I have had arguments in front of her from time to time - if it starts getting more heated (never abusive, just louder) I will tell him enough for now, calm down, we can talk about this later. DD does not like to see us argue and will often try to get in the middle and tell us to stop. She'll tell DH straight up, "Be nice to Mommy!" And I just reassure her that it's okay, Mommy and Daddy do love each other but sometimes we get angry, we don't always get along and have to talk things out. I don't want her to think that you are not allowed to get angry or disagree with your husband - I want her to be someone who stands up for herself and speaks her mind and knows how to "fight fair". Then we make sure she does see us making up and getting along and loving each other again.
Just give her extra cuddles in the morning. Then, talk to your husband about arguing... a little more quietly and calmly. It will be good for the kids and your marriage overall.
I recently was listening to the radio and a therapists was saying that it is healthy for your children to see/hear you argue. she said that children need to that so that they can understand parents do argue sometimes, BUT they make up and still love each other. she said of course physical altercations are not ok at all. but in life sometimes we do dosagree and it does get loud sometimes but we learn how to work it out. and we still ove the person. i mean they hear it sometimes, just sometimes they you having sex. i know you feel bad but just explain it to her.
Children are really in tune with the moods of their parents. Whether they actually hear the fight or not, they'll know something is going on. If you don't reassure them that it's not their fault and grown-ups sometimes fight even if they love each other, they'll assume the worst! My suggestion is, without making too much of a big deal about it, find a time to reassure her that just because you and your husband sometimes fight, it's not because of her and you are not going to split up! Ideally you and your hubby should do this together and then hug each other to prove to her that you are back on the same page. I don't think any permanent harm has been done - but try not too shout too much in future! Best of luck!
My friend is a therapist and she gave me the best advice. She said it's ok to have disagreements or arguements in front of your children BUT always 'apologize or make up' in front of them too (you and your spouse). U got some great advice!! Good luck. :)
From similar post...
I had a friend whose parents never argued in front of her. She was at a complete loss whenever she would feel the need to argue with her husband so she wouldn't bother. She figured that was the right thing to do since she never saw her mother argue with her father. Her husband ended up divorcing her thinking she was just too passive or didn't seem to care a great deal about anything =(
Oh - totally agree with what Angi C. said.
We have had arguments when the kids were little. I felt bad too, but they never remembered and we got better about chatting outside when things got heated. Worked out good that way. It will be fine.... I wanted to just hug and hold my kids because of the fight or the hurt.......but they were just normal the next day. It was a good wake up call to not do it in front of the kids, but we are human and you can't beat yourself up for it. They are so forgiving and forgetful, it will be OK.
Your human and kids need to know we are all human. I agree that extra hugs in the morning and talking with you husband to keep things quieter would help. But I doubt at 2 she is thinking you guys are going to divorce and that her life will be spent between the both of you. Every now in then adults have to argue. Don't over stress it.
My husband and I have fights all the time in front of our son. He thinks it's normal and he usually chimes in on which side he's on (I guess that part isn't good). But he also sees that we don't stay mad. So unless your daughter says something, just let it go. It's normal for people to fight and make up. It's upsetting for some kids and some kids don't care. We sometimes feel guilty about things that don't even bother our kids at all. Good luck!
I'm late to the game in this, but let it go.
She's to little to get it yet. My husband and I sometimes argue-nothing severe-right over our sons head when we are snuggling in bed at night watching tv.
He's three and has yet to say anything or seem concerned - except to say..."I CAN'T HEAR"..in reference to not being able to hear the tele.
:)
Your guilt now should be your reminder to tune it down later. Kids don't form permenant memories until 3 years old, so take this as a lesson learned, let it go (unless she asks, then apologize and ask her how it made her feel).
I think this happens to everyone at one point or another, don't beat yourself up :)
