Rejected by My Own Family :(

When my father became estranged from me 12 years ago, I decided right then and there that this was the final straw. After a lifetime of disappointments, I finally decided to let him go. He became dead to me, and I grieved him just like I would have if he had passed away. Except without the pleasant memories. :(
Be strong and do you what you have to do. The pain eases with time, but never completely goes away. But life will go on and you will be happy again.

I think WindyCityMom's response is spot on!!!

Good luck to you and am sorry you are dealing with this. Family drama sucks!!

You have to grieve and you have to re-frame your expectations - both for who you want them to be and for who you want you to be to them.

It's a tricky process - and it can take YEARS in therapy. You'll get there, if you work towards it.

I, personally, think cutting off contact is probably the easiest way to go. I also think it's very smart and intuitive that you want to create an environment for your daughters that is different than the one you had..... so many people just replicate..... so good for you!!!!!

I know one exercise a therapist had me complete once was to take a sheet of paper and write on the left hand side all of the things I thought an ideal family should do.
Then I crossed off all the things my family DIDN'T do. Then you re-write the things that your family DOES DO into the middle column. Now, here is where you get your control back. Are these things ENOUGH? It's not bargaining. It's black and white. Here is what they can do........
Is it enough for them to be able to do these things? If so, then you re-frame your expectations and you "agree" to yourself that you will only expect and judge them for what they CAN do. You grieve for the loss of the crossed off items.
If it's NOT ENOUGH, then you cut ties. Then you grieve for the loss of your family who can't be what you need, even with re-framed expectations.

I also think that you have to go back to your original list and look at the items that you cross off.... these are still valid needs and wants. Who will fulfill them? You seek out people who will fulfill these roles.

Good Luck.

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ETA: Oh, I also think that it helped me to feel sorry for my mom instead of being angry at her. I could be angry at her because she wasn't a good mom. But when I had my daughter I actually felt sorry for her because she CLEARLY didn't get the joy that I got from interacting with my daughter. So, I saw that she had really missed out.... as a person, and a mom, and a wife, by being who she was. And I felt really sorry for her. It made it a bit easier for me to forgive her once I realized that.

Walk away.
Count your blessings.
Whistle a happy tune.
Sometimes we're about as happy as we make up our minds to be.
Happiness is a choice.
Just decide you are going to be freaking joyful over not having to deal with this anymore!
Feel the weight of it slipping off you and never take up that burden again.
Now get out there and have FUN with your girls!

In human nature we all crave relationships. We also crave a healthy relationship with those we know as mom and dad. However sometimes it takes you to take a few steps away to pull yourself out of the drama. Seek some self movitational classes, books or seminars. Other relationships will develope and be a substitute until you and your parents can repair the broken heart. Peace and Love to you.

It sounds like your parents have a lot of issues of their own. This is not your fault, nor is it really your problem. You need to live the life that makes you happy and if they can not or will not support you in this it's THEIR problem.
Because as adults we often fall into the patterns we knew as children you need to keep yourself in check so you don't repeat these distructive patterns on your own children. Keep reading and always be loving and supportive to your hubby and family and mostly yourself. In a way you have to parent yourself, tell yourself the things you wish your parents could tell you. Things like -- "I'm proud of you" "You are doing a good job" "I want you to be happy" These words should come from a loving family but often they do not, it's not your fault. Surround yourself with people who love you and nurture you.

You don't give us enough information to be able to answer you question. What did they do that you feel they should apologize for?
What did you do that they are upset with you about?

Good luck to you and yours.

You can pick your friends but not your family. It really is true. Some people have great relationships w their families and could never imagin not talking to one of them. I'm not one of them.

One day I realized (after my first was born) that I was never going to make a certain family member happy. Never. Nothing was ever going to be good enough, no matter how hard I tried. I actually had a boss warn me at the age of 21, that if I kept saying yes and doIng whatever this person asked me to do, I would be miserable for the rest of my life. I blew him off. I felt he didn't understand. 11years later I realized that I needed to worry about myself and my family. I needed to, for once, do what I wanted to do and not stress out about pleasing that person. I am "free" now for the last 8 years. Seems weird to even write free, but that's really what it feels like. Eventually everyone will come around when they see what you see. It took me a long time to see things, that others saw happening in my life.

I know it's easier said than done, but you may have to be ok with letting people go in order to achieve your own happiness. Life is too short to surround yourself with people that make you unhappy. Life is too short to not focus on your own family and put your happiness with them at the top of the priority list. Good Luck!

I'm so sorry to hear that. It is very sad your family is not there for you. It would help me get over it be reminding myself that quality is better than quantity. Having those in your life who love you, and maybe your husband and kids, is more important than having lots of people who make life harder and sadder for you.

In your profile, you mention you will get to move to TN next summer.... Maybe distance and a move will help heal those wounds as well.

I can't feel your pain exactly, but I can tell you as the child of a child of a similar situation, you can totally create a good environment for your daughters despite the craziness of their grandparents. My mom's parents and siblings float in and out of her life, sometimes disowning her, sometimes seeking her help, sometimes trying once again to mend their relationships and be family again. She puts a lot of effort into having good relationships and experiences with them, yet it often blows up in her face. But she keeps praying and looking for the best ways to deal with them because they are important to her. Good luck and God bless!

I am so, so sorry. I understand because my husband is going through the same feeling that you have expressed.

You are on the right track by creating a healthy, loving environment for your kids.

Your parents may not ever be able to fullfil the role that they should, but family doesn't always come from blood! I hope that one day you will be blessed by amazing friends that can be like a mom and dad to you and grandparents to your children. My mom and dad are those kind of wonderful people to another family, even if they didn't set out to be "surrogate parents".

May you be blessed and may your heart heal! Hugs!

For a couple of minutes, I thought I had written this.

My family disowned me almost a year-and-a-half ago and I still feel it almost every day (although it has gotten better). I started to see a grief-and-loss therapist which helped and I wish I could go back but it was very expensive.

I have tried to focus on creating the family I want with kids and husband, and it helps but sometimes I get scared that I may be re-creating the same situations again.

I am thinking of doing a no-contact with my parents because it does still hurt so much. At first, I was trying to keep my kids relationship intact with them, but that has been so difficult.

It's hard but time and distance help. Wish I could offer more, but this is only as far as I've gotten. Hugs.

You need to determine what your own boundaries are -- what you'll accept (and overlook) and where you'll cross the line. And then when one of your parents heads down the wrong/hurtful path, calming inform them that you love them but do not want "x" in your life (whether that is name calling, complaining, etc.). And when they continue, simply leave (calmly). Keep doing that until they stop, or until you determine to take a break from them. Stay strong and calm. Continue to love them, but stick with your boundaries.

Ohh, I'm sorry you're going through this. It sounds like you made a really healthy decision for yourself though. I would suggest that you look into therapy... maybe someone who deals with Marriage & Family therapy. Not that there's anything wrong with your marriage... he/she will be more knowledgable about the family part. They can help you work through the hurt and disappointment.

I don't think you have to be connected to your blood relatives to create a "family" for you and your girls. You can do that by surrounding yourself with people you choose to have in your life; who respect and appreciate you as you do them.

As far as dealing with things like the holidays, be grateful for the loving people you do have in your life and celebrate with them. And be glad that you and your girls don't have to be exposed to dysfunction and craziness just for the sake of family.

Sending you a hug~Best of luck

Family is not just blood, it's love and respect. If your "blood" doesn't have that for you, they CAN loose family status. You can CREATE your own family - you already have. Focus on providing a healthy, loving home for them. The pain is hard, but it does get much less, especially if you have support from outside the family that reinforces the necessity of your choice. Therapy helped me a lot, as well as the support of my husband and his family.

Now, don't write off the rest of the family unless they are a bunch of chickens and won't have their own relationship with you. They don't need to "stand up for you against" your parents. But if they can be sisters, brothers, etc. outside of their relationship with their parents, let that be enough. As long as they are healthy to be around, then that's ok. Your siblings live in fear, but if they see YOU NOT living in fear, and loving them anyway, you may be the model of courage for them to break free some time in the future.

Hugs to you.

When my biological mom was still living, there were a few times that my mom "disowned" me. Mind you, she would throw this threat out AFTER she had already put me in foster care.....so her words although they did hurt, it was also kind of ridiculous since she had already given me up...

Also, my aunt (her sister) sided with her so not only was my mother not speaking to me nor was her sister..

Anyway... she has since died and although we did eventually speak again, I had to do a lot of soul searching on my own... I had to work through all the anger I felt towards her (at times, something will still strike my fire) and I will become upset. The difference is, I can more easily let it go..
It's also taken me time to mourn the loss of what I wanted my relationship with her to be... For years, I fantasized about how things SHOULD be or how I wanted them.. Truth is, I wasted a lot of time on the "what IFs"

My suggestion to you would be work on you.. dont' worry for now about their feelings... perhaps consider getting into a support group (maybe one for co-dependents) since you mention how you try and "fix things" True, it isn't your job to fix them.. but maybe for your sake, work on you.. take some time to really assess your life. It might mean you don't have much of a relationship with them or what little of it you do have, you learn to not let THEIR behavior bother you. It does take work... I like the 12 step programs because you not only take a look at others in your life, but first and foremost you take a close look at yourself and once you do that, you can work from the inside out and the ground up... you just might discover as I have that my mom's problem need not be mine.... same goes with your parents... There is a lot of freedom in letting go... I feel that over time having worked a 12 step, I have way more freedom and zeal for life... I also don't personalize as many things as I used to.... more than anything, I am learning to forgive... and that wasn't something that came easy to me. In fact, I am still working on it.... but I am doing much better than I used to.. that's for sure.

good luck