Personal Family Question.. Needing Advice

Don't you think it's interesting that you are getting to know them at the same time that you lost her? To me, that is her way of making amends with you, of giving you her legacy. Don't reject it for what might happen. Accept it for as long as you have it.

So sorry for the unexpected loss of your mother. I am glad that some of her relatives are now wanting to be in your life. I think you need to sort all this out with a therapist or a counselor to help get you get some resolution to your mother and your father and their issues that made such a big impact on your life. A counselor could help you sort through your new found relatives and help you build trust and boundaries in dealing with them. You have had lots of losses in your life and a counselor could help you build confidence in dealing with all these changes. Good luck! Some counseling services are covered by insurance or are available on a sliding scale.

H.,

I'm truly sorry for your loss. I know what you are feeling as I lost my mom one year ago this week. On Friday the 13th - we were told she had 3 days to six weeks to live. She died 6 days later. So I get the loss and those feelings.

As to your father? I'm sorry for your childhood. It's so sad that a person can be so spiteful that they would keep children away from the other parent. However, I've seen a lot of nasty behavior. It's very unfortunate.

You need counseling. You need a professional to help you deal with your past and how you deal with people. You need to realize you cannot change the past. Nor can you change people. So stop trying to make up the past and stop trying to hold on to the past.

When people keep others at arms length? It USUALLY means they are afraid of rejection and loss. These people actually recognized you on the street and reached out to you...so breathe. accept this. communicate with them. Don't smother them. Sit down and write a journal. Figure out what you want and expect from these new relationships, then communicate your expectations and desires of the relationships to them.

You can NEVER erase a 20 year absence. From looking at your profile - you are 25/26 years old? So the last time you saw these people you were 5/6? How great that they recognized you after all this time!!! Rejoice in that!!

Please find a therapist. You have a lot to deal with. Don't try and tackle on your own.

Good luck!

Talk with them. Really. Let them know that you're afraid of losing them (which would be a normal response for someone who has lost a loved one during their childhood as you did your mother).

But don't pull away. Love with your whole heart. Even if you could lose someone, love them fully. Yes, it's scary, but think of it like this: In 20 years, do you want to look back and think, "I didn't love them like I should have?"

It sounds like the start of a WONDERFUL, loving family relationship. Embrace it.

My heart breaks for you. We lost my father in law in May. it's still weird. I'm truly sorry for the loss of your mom. I hope you were able to connect with her on some level before she died.

Please don't be afraid of reaching out and creating a lasting relationship with your extended family.

Please find a counselor to help you maneuver through your emotions.

I'm sorry for the loss of your mother, and your controlling, abusive father.

How do you handle other relationships?

What I'm trying to point out, is that where you say " My only problem is, I'm afraid that I'm becoming too attached to them. In my experience, when I love someone, I lose them. I'm afraid I'm going to end up pushing them away or that they're going to get tired of me and just leave me too.", how do you handle a relationship with a significant other or partner? Are you avoiding loving people because you are afraid you might lose them?

I agree with the previous poster...... you need to seek therapy to have a professional help you with that aspect of relationships, if you are going to have a healthy relationship with a person as an adult.

Please don't cut off people who are seeing you as a wonderful gift, a connection to someone they loved, and who can be there for you.

You say that "in my experience" you will lose those you love.

The fact that you see that as your experience simply screams and shouts for professional therapy. Please get therapy immediately so that you can work on dealing with what sounds like a very traumatic childhood and a terrible loss, and so you don't drive away people who truly seem to want to grieve alongside you and build a relationship that will last beyond the grief. You CAN keep people you love close to you. Please re-read your own post and see that if you fear losing them, you are going to push them away so that it won't hurt to lose them -- and that could be a huge mistake, leaving you alone in your grief and alienating those who are reaching out to you. Can you see that if you step back in order to reduce the pain when they (in your mind) "inevitably" leave you, you are making your fears into a self-fulfilling prophecy?

Please, please get an objective third party -- a therapist -- to work with you on this, and meanwhile, don't back off from these relatives just out of fear of losing them. Take good care of yourself at this very tough time.

It sounds like you are afraid of rejection and you have every reason to be afraid with your history. Your mothers family is opening their arms to you. You should run into those arms and embrace them. You have a lot of fears but don't let that fear control your life. There is nothing like family.

Texting and talking on the phone is what a lot of family members do each day. You can limit how much you see them but why? I guess I feel this way because I have a very close family. I don't have siblings but I have a big extended family and we all love talking to each other and being together. Don't let you fear take a loving family from you.

If you need help in sorting this out see a therapist. That's what they are for. From your post it seems your mothers family is sincere so love them and let them love you and your family. Good luck with your decision!!!

I'm so sorry for what you've gone through. You lost your mother twice - once as a child, and once recently. That hurts terribly. You were raised by a father who in many ways wasn't there for you. You not only lost your mother, you lost what appears to be a bunch of very loving relatives. You are their tie to her, and they are your tie to her. These feelings can be very intense because they are mixed in with the grief.

You definitely can use some good and compassionate counseling to address your experience of "love them, then lose them." This seems to apply to a lot more than your mother. Many adults raised as you were feel that they are somehow unworthy of love because they've been rejected - you were rejected by your father (at least by his alcoholic demons which dominated him). That's why you feel like a burden. That doesn't mean they feel that way at all - probably they do not in any way. But you have baggage because you never felt totally loved before. And you are, in many ways, an orphan. Many people in your situation (divided families, even adopted kids sometimes) have an underlying feeling of rejection. That can be dealt with but it's best to have expert guidance, and someone you can talk to without the fear of getting too close or losing them. My guess is that a counselor will encourage your relationship with these relatives but will give you some good guidance and be a sounding board.

Call your physician for a referral to a qualified therapist who accepts your medical insurance. Stick with it. My guess is, with good work, you can establish a great bond with people who knew and loved your mom, and learn more about the love she always felt for you.

H. I am so sorry for the loss of your mother.

You are going through every emotion all at once. Heartbreak, sorrow, Loss, betrayal, as well as Love, comfort, and joy.

This would be a lot for any one.

When we are children we are so trusting. We believe that the people in our lives are always telling us the truth.

As we mature we realize that everyone has their version. Your father had his, your mother had hers and you have your own. Put that all together and stir and somewhere in there is the truth.

You were a child. You were dependent on your father. When you begin to realize that he told you one lie, you begin to question everything he ever said.

This happens to most of us. But most of us do not have such a big lie told to us by our beloved parents.

This is a time for you to embrace this family that loves you and is so grateful to have you back in their lives. I suggest you find a therapist to work through all of your feelings and your fears. This person will mainly listen to your history and then ask you the questions that only you can answer. This person could also clarify what your worries are with you, so YOU can decide how to handle them.

It will take a lot of this fear, and confusion from you.

It will also probably give you the strength to be able to ask (demand) the truth from your beloved father. I know that is what is really worrying you.

Our parents are not perfect. They are human and all have their own faults. Until we can admit and accept this fact, we give them way too much control in our adult lives.

I am sending you strength. You deserve to know your truth and you should never have to fear the love people have for you.

You are a connection with her for them, and they are a connection with her for you. All of you are probably still raw with grief and are looking for some way to stay connected with your mother. Keep in touch with them, but don't be overbearing. The feelings on both sides will settle a bit in time, and you can develop a normal relationship with your cousins.

Take things slow if you need to but enjoy the new friendships and bonds as they develop. It sounds like an exciting journey you are on with these caring new people in your life. Work thru your grief with a therapist if needed so you learn to trust again.

"Tis better to.have loved and lost, then never to have loved at all."
--Tennyson

My sincere condolences on the loss of your mother. I think she would be so happy for you to know her family.

I tthink anyone from a broken home or difficult family life could use some effective counseling. You've identified your fear and the basis for it. I think it would be good for you to have a professional help guide you through a healing accepting and being able to move on into healthy adult relationship.

Hugs

I think your best bet right now is to get into Al-anon... (for which I also attend) in program, what you are describing is something you ll hear a lot about in that MANY people have endured similar situations.. in the groups, there is support and understanding and people who can relate to you... If you can, why not check out a group.. they are free and all over the place. you can even do a telephone call in group OR just listen to broadcasts for which they now have.. additionally, there is no fee..
I go and WOW WOW WOW.. it was such an eye-opener to me... it's a lot of work (and painful at times) to work the 12 steps... but it's so worth it..
I have had such clarity when it comes to my biological family who consists of SEVERAL alcoholics and even drug-users... I thought because I didn't drink that I was immune from the lifestyle or as they say, stinkin' thinkin'.... but guess what.. NOT.... you don't need to use to still think like an addict and a lot of behavior over the years was like that of an addict..
the program has given me so much awareness as to how to change my life for the better.. and I might also add, I learned how
NOT to be so enabling or co-dependent...
anyway, check it out.. see if it's something for you..

whatever you decide, I wish you the best..

Bless your heart. I'm so sorry you went through this. Is your father still alive? Is he still trying to control you?

I agree with the idea of Al-anon. And I think that you need to go to bereavement counseling. You are still in mourning, not just for you, but for what your mother went through from losing you. You also need help dealing with your feelings of fear over losing someone close to you. These fears seem to rule you and that is so limiting.

With therapy, I think you would have a chance to get past this. And you do need to understand these family members who are trying to make up for the past. A neutral third party (counselor) could help. Just the fact that you say on one had that they are right there for you trying to help you and then you say that you feel they're trying to keep you at arms length shows you are very confused. You just HAVE to come to a point where you know how to gage all of this. You also need to figure out how NOT to be a burden and how not to end up walking away from them because you are afraid of being close. If you end up doing this, it will be just what your spiteful father wanted - you not having anything to do with your mother's family.

Please get help.

PS - FinallyFree mom, your post made me cry~ so happy for you.

You are just going to have to take the chance that they will stay. There are no guarantees in life. They might turn out to be flakes, they might not.

Take the chance.