Really Need Some Advice - My Mother Is Draining and Affecting My Marriage
Updated on
March 01, 2010
S.J.
asks from
Cherryville, MO
6
answers
My mother is 61 and has been very "childlike" her entire life. As a child, I worked and helped pay bills (my dad left when I was little) and also consoled my mother in her time of need (anytime she was upset, most of the time due to my Dad), and just generally took care of her as if she were the child. We were poor growing up, at times needing government assistance. My mother sent me to private schools (through grants and help), and made sure I did well in school.
Now, I am a successful professional with a TON of student loan debt (as I paid for everything on my own), as is my husband. We have two children together, and despite our good incomes, still live paycheck to paycheck NOT because of our lifestyle, but because of our huge student loan debts and basic costs of living.
My mother is poor and never got an education and has no friends or close family nearby. I am an only child and the sole responsibility falls on me to take care of her. She calls me on a regular basis and requests money, which I always provide. In the past month, I have sent her about $600. She also calls me crying anytime she has a problem and expects me to solve it (not because she is demanding, but because she literally lacks problem-solving skills). She rarely comes to visit, and has only seen our kids about 15 times and they are ages 3 and 5. She didn't attend our wedding because she didn't feel well. Anything having to do with my mother coming to see us, I pay for. Train tickets for her to visit, her clothing, food while here visiting, etc.
My husband is getting very frustrated that I keep sending my mother money. He also is upset that my mother is not a "good mother" in his eyes - did the bare minimum for me growing up, not there when I need her, relies on me as if I am the parent, etc. My husband has wonderful, supportive parents who are just amazing, so he knows what it "should" be like. He feels as if my mother does not do anything for me, but expects things be done for her.
It stresses me out not only regarding the money, but also the emotional strain it puts on me and my marriage each time she calls with a problem that is now my problem to solve. I am so torn because I know I owe her, as she is my mother and took care of me for 18 years, but I also am so stressed out "dealing" with her and arguing with my husband about it. Any time I send my mother money, I tell my husband about it, as I will not hide things from him.
My mother is "able" to work, in that she does have a job. She works full-time at a gas station making $8.50 per hour. She misses work sporadically due to stomach problems (irritable bowel syndrome, etc) and when she misses work, I have to help her pay her living expenses. But, it is getting to the point that my husband and I are being held back on our lives because we are financially supporting my mother. We live in a house too small for us, don't ever take vacations, and are not having any more children even though we want more, but we are worried how we would be able to afford more with my mom needing financial help. My mother has sought medical help for her health issues, but they simply tell her all she can do is de-stress and eat a good diet to help her stomach issues and take prilosec. Each time she sees a physician, I am paying the bill. Each time she gets a prescription filled, I pay for it. She does not qualify for a medical card, cannot afford health insurance, and is too young for medicare.
Have any of you ever gone through this? Am I doing the right thing by sending her money, or should she have to "figure it out" like every other adult? This has been going on for so long that it is just what I am used to doing, and my husband thinks it is wrong. I have been sending my mother money since I can remember. I am 32 now, and I have been helping her financially and emotionally being her "parent" since I was very little.
I understand helping out family, but is it my responsibility to support my mother? As she gets older, it will only get worse, and frankly, I am scared. I don't want this affecting my marriage negatively, and also our financial stability. I have never told my mother any of this, and I always make her feel safe and welcomed coming to me, as she is my mother. I just get so frustrated sometimes, and just wish for one day where I didn't have to worry about a phone call asking for money or to solve a problem.
My mother lives in an apartment that is $600 per month, which I believe is living beyond her means. She should try to find some place cheaper, but refuses to do so because imo doesn't deal well with change. She is unwilling to help herself by moving and reducing her cost of living, so a budget makes no sense because she has more going out than she has coming in. We have offered many times to help her move, pay the cost for first and last month rent, etc, but she refuses to go anywhere else. We have offered to move her close to us, she refuses. We have offered to let her move in with us, and you can guess her response.
If you moms have any words of wisdom or advice, I would greatly appreciate it. Thank you so much for reading.
You are in a tough position that will not go away no matter what you try to do. Its sad that she is so financially draining, have you looked into all government assistance available? My husband was an only child and had no other family to rely on when both his parents became ill. We also had to be the parent for about 8 years and deal with budgeting, finances, and health. We were fortunate that she had enough income if budgeted correctly.
You and your husband need to come up with your own budget and agree upon the help you are willing and able to provide. If you find you can give her money on a monthly basis then start putting that in a savings account monthly or per paycheck. You need to also consider the fact that she may need to move closer to you, I'm not sure how far away she is. There may come a time that she will need to move in because facilities are VERY expensive. In my mother in law's last month of life she was in and out of the hospital. We had to pay for 24 hour inhome care for someone to watch over her. It was $200 a day. You need to figure out now and down the road. Family isn't something most can walk away from. We wish his parents were still here so they could see their grandkids. His mom made it through her grandson's 1st birthday.
Once you know what you both are willling and able to do, you need to talk to your mom. It should be all 3 of you, the kids need to be gone when you do this. I know you've protected her for all these years but she needs to understand where you and your husband are mentally and financially. If she knows that she is financially straining you, she might do things differently. I would also get her on a budget and put her finances in order. This could help her be more self sufficient when something does come up. If you are able to set money aside every month for "just in case", don't tell her you can only afford x per month. Let her know you will try to help her when you can but that you might not always have money depending on your expenses for the month. If she knows you have money set aside for her, she will probably count on it.
Hopefully things will improve for you and your family. There will be good and bad months, hopefully more good than bad. Enjoy your family while you can. I wish you the best of luck.
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R.R.
answers from
Dallas
on
I also was a parent to my mother from a young age. She has passed on now, and it took at least a full 5 years for me to really miss her, I was so relieved when she died. Isn't that horrible?
The other ladies have offered great advice, I won't repeat it. But I will say this: the sentence that jumped out at me was "I am so torn because I know I owe her, as she is my mother and took care of me for 18 years, but I also am so stressed out "dealing" with her and arguing with my husband about it."
You owe her? In a very short sentence, the goal of parenting is to prepare your children for life, correct? It was an archaic world back when parents raised their children, expecting them to take care of them in their old age. That is not reality anymore. You do not OWE your mother anything. You have way more than satisfied that debt. I know how very very hard it is to stand up to a parent like this. The subtle guilt over years and years and years. (well, what am I supposed to do? I poured my LIFE into you raising you... etc) I clearly remember the day I "broke free". My mom said "I need that basket of laundry done" and I said "Mom, good thing you live right next door to the laundry room" (apartment building). She said "You don't realize how difficult that is for me!" and I said "I work full time, I'm pregnant, and have 3 children to care for, and 5 other people's laundry to do". Then walked out of her apartment. I was soft voiced, but firm. I didn't apologize. It was liberating.
You need to start taking your life back. Your primary allegiance is to your husband and children. If your husband is uncomfortable, then you need to honor that. "taking care" of your mother is seriously affecting your life and marriage. Draw a line and stick to it. Be loving with her, truthful and firm.
Good luck!
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S.T.
answers from
St. Louis
on
You are not alone, I am not an only child, but am the one still in town so my husband and I have always been the one who had to help my mom out, both financially and with problems similar to your moms, my mom passed away about a year and a half ago at age 69 of ovarian cancer, I am 47, married with one 15 year old son and we were in a similar boat although my husband was more understanding and they got along so well, of course we both got quite upset with mom on several occassions when she would come to us with a problem that needed to be dealt with right away because she didn't want to bother us, but by the time we would find out things would be worse, don't feel bad about feeling angry towards your mom it's only natural, I loved her and still do more than anything but there were times when I was so stressed that I actually thought horrible thoughts like maybe she'll have a heart attack and go quickly, because I just wanted my pain to go away and it felt like as long as she was alive I was going to live in this constant state of stress never knowing what problems she was going to cause us in the future and I didn't know how much more I could take, I know my mother in law at the time wasn't happy that we spent more time doing things for my mom, but she was the one without money and who was always in a mess one way or another. I just couldn't not help her, I know she did the best for me that she could at the time growing up and aside from the bad there was also alot of love and good between us that I am truly thankful for. It's just as hard to not help your parents I think as it would be to totally give up hope or not help your child if they needed it. So don't really know what to tell you, just wanted you to know you're not alone and I understand kind of what you are going through.
S.
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L.M.
answers from
Chicago
on
That is a hard situation to be in. You are caught between your husband and your mother. Instead of 'bailing' your mother out every time she calls, start trying to teach her the skills to solve the problem...talk her through the steps versus giving the solution immediately. Have you gone through her expenses to see if there is anything that can be cut to save her (and you) money? Do you limit the dollar amount you give her each month or do you give her however much she asks for? Maybe set a limit as to how much you will give her in a given time frame (like monthly). Does she have siblings? You said there were no close family nearby. Are any siblings able to assist, either emotionally or financially.
In the extreme, is it feasible for her to live with you temporarily? You would both be able to save money (or at least not spend so much) and you would also have the opportunity to teach her some life skills.
I hope this does not come off too harshly, as that is not my intention. I
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C.M.
answers from
Austin
on
My first thought is: Is she on a budget? Can you (or someone close to where she lives) get her to follow one? I don't see anything wrong with helping her out financially if she is being responsible. You and your husband need to come to some sort of agreement on EXACTLY how much you can, or want to give. You might try using a counselor through your work EAP. Assuming you have one. But if not, a couple of trips to someone who can advise you would be well worth it.
If she has always been this way, she is unlikely to change. Honestly, if it were me, I would concentrate on the fact that she won't be there forever and when she is gone, you will miss her. Don't have any regrets. But DO see someone who can help you guys come to an agreement.
Good luck.
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S.H.
answers from
Hartford
on
I found myself taking responsibility for others (first my husband b/4 he was my husband) and my MIL when she first moved in with us. I don't have to tell you how stressful it is to take over when someone else refuses to take care of themselves or their responsibilities. Through this, I discovered that my behavior is typical "co-dependent" behavior and that I have a natural inclinition towards codependency (they say knowing is half the battle).
It has helped me beyond measure to A) become familiar with what codependency is so that I can make healthier choices for myself and for others and B) to let others take responsibility for their own lives. It may seem hard at first to let go of the reigns, but people may surprise you with their abilities to take care of themselves. Also, the discomfort they will feel if they don't take care of themselves is a fantastic teacher. When I remember to let go of the control and to let others make their own mistakes, I am on top of the world - like someone just gave me a happy pill.
