THIS IS A REAL QUESTION! PLEASE DON'T PULL IT AGAIN!
I recently visited home for the first time in over a year. This was the first time anyone in my family was able to meet my 6 month DD. I took her to my dad's house, and to each of my grandma's. I had a homecoming/meet the baby party at each grandma's house. The problem is that my mom's husband of 16 years (I REFUSE to claim him as my step-dad.) is not allowed at my grandma's house any more. He is a real JERK. Seriously. When we were growing up, he didn't have any tolerance for normal child behavior. We were punished for stupid things like not having our clothes perfectly folded into our drawers, or not 'organizing' our closets the 'right' way. He would chain-smoke cigars in the house or car with us in the room, and refuse to open a window. His dogs got priority over us. I remember one year, I had a broken arm and my Dad had paid for everything already. He even gave me the cash I would need at the doctor's visit to get my cast removed. The only thing that my mom and her husba!
nd had to do was to drive me to the doctor's office. But they 'couldn't' do that because they 'didn't have the gas money'... yet their dogs got a trip to the vet because they had a 'weight checkup' (they had the dogs on a 'special' diet). Another year my little brother broke his nose (obviously broken, 2 black eyes and massive swelling) and they refused to take him to the doctor. My dad came to check up on us 3 days later, and that was when my brother got to go. Just a few examples of why I refuse to claim him as anything more than my mom's husband... He isn't allowed at my grandma's house any more because he kicked (or I should say, literally pushed) her out of his house... The house SHE paid for. She went to ask why the loan that she co-signed for (the one that paid for the house) hadn't been paid on in over 8 months (her social security started getting garnished) She took out another loan to pay off the first one, then went to his house to work out a payment plan with h!
im. She only asked for $50 a month... and he got pissed and st!
arted sc
reaming and yelling at her. They got in a fight, and he shoved her out the door. So he isn't allowed on her property any more. So, needless to say, he didn't get the chance to see my DD when I was home visiting. Apparently this hurt my MOM'S feeling! She knows how I feel about him. (Heck, HIS OWN family refuses to have anything to do with him). She DID get to see my DD at the party, so that's not the issue. She feels like I should have taken a special trip to their house since I took a special trip to my dad's, and that it wasn't fair treatment. She also says that it isn't fair that I "let my opinion of him 'taint' her relationship with her 'grandfather'..." As far as I'm concerned, he IS NOT her grandfather. He just happens to be married to her grandmother. BUT... I do have some resentment toward my mom because she never let me meet her dad (because she didn't like him)... so I can see where she is coming from in that aspect. I figure that when my DD is older, and if she WA!
NTS to meet him, I won't stop her. But I'm not going to encourage a relationship... I don't know. I'm confused because I think that all the resentment I have towards him COULD be coloring what I think is best for my DD... Opinions?
ETA: A little backstory on my mom... She never really knew the full extent of his treatment towards us. He acted different when she was at the house, and we were all too cowed by him to 'tattle'... Most of it was while she was at work (My dad had custody, we were at her house every other weekend, alternating holidays, and 6 weeks straight in the summer) As far as the broken nose thing, she had the opinion of "there isn't really anything they can do about it anyway" attitude. (Still wrong, IMO... but that's how she thought) My grandma wound up driving me for my cast issue. My mom became emotionally dependent on him when my little 1/2 sister was killed at 18 months. (She was shot by her father, who also shot himself... She had left the father 10 months previously, and was just starting the relationship with her husband) Needless to say, she kinda lost it for a while, and he was there to 'pick up the pieces', so to say. She pretty much abandoned us (my dad, siblings, and I) wh!
en I was 4 years old, and I didn't see her again until about a year after my sister was killed. (I was 8 or 9) My best guess is that the loss of her youngest woke her up to the fact that she had other children... but since then we have worked hard to form and maintain a relationship. While we will never have the ideal mother/daughter relationship, I hate to do anything to jeopardize what we do have... BUT I'm not willing to expose my infant daughter to her husband's negativity to preserve it...
Just to make sure that I 'adhere to guidelines'... Do you mommas think that I am right in refusing to let her meet him, or should I allow supervised visits?
Seriously? I think you already know the answer. It is rather obvious. Maybe that's why it was pulled.
I wouldn't let him near her with a thousand foot pole. You know him best, not your mom. Stick with your gut. It doesn't really sound like your relationship with your mom is really worth keeping if she doesn't understand. People in that dependent of a relationship rarely change or understand others feelings. That is how my mom is. If she doesn't like anything, tough. It's my life and my son.
NEVER, NOT, NOPE, NADA ,NO,HELL NO?! how about those answers? I would never let this man around my child/kids and my mothers feelings would just have to be hurt on this one. if he treated you like dirt why wouldn't he treat your daughter like too! i really hope you do not take your daughter around him/them whatever the case may be. your gut has already spoken to you, listen to it!
Updated
NEVER, NOT, NOPE, NADA ,NO,HELL NO?! how about those answers? I would never let this man around my child/kids and my mothers feelings would just have to be hurt on this one. if he treated you like dirt why wouldn't he treat your daughter like too! i really hope you do not take your daughter around him/them whatever the case may be. your gut has already spoken to you, listen to it!
I'm not sure if you were able to read my first response before they pulled it, so I'll respond again.
I would not allow him to see her unsupervised. If he wants to see her, he has to see her on your terms, where you decide...no ifs ands or buts.
You're doing the right thing. And like I said before, there's a difference between you not having a relationship with your grandfather and you protecting your daughter from the man your mother married. I'd just keep her away from him as he is abusive. If you feel the need to take your daughter to see him, keep an eye on her. (And again, on your terms, where you say to meet.)
Hi,
I am sorry for all the losses you have experienced in your life. You have been through alot. In terms of your question, you are completely without a doubt in my mind right to keep your child away from your step-dad! He sounds awful, neglectful and just horrible! You shouldn't make any effort to have him have supervised visits or anything else. If he doesn't have the decency to treat you in the right way, you can't expect him to treat your child any different! You don't owe him anything. Just because your mom wants you to do this--doesn't mean its the right thing to do. She herself has her priorities way off base to have allowed this behavior for this long! Always do what is right for you and your family-despite what ANYONE else thinks. Go with your gut mama! Your doing great and the right thing!
Just curious--why was your question pulled??? I can't see anything that could be wrong with it. Anyways, take care and hope this helps.
Molly
Do NOT! You are the mama and your instincts want to protect your baby from this.
They pulled my real question, too! mine was possibly longer than yours. i couldn't write it again. LOL. hope they don't pull it again, that wouldn't be right. Sounds like they are having technical trouble, though...
I wouldn't take her to visit him. If he is at large family gatherings, fine, then you can introduce them, but otherwise, don't bother trying to build a relationship with someone who is obviously a dangerous man. If your mother refuses to admit it, too damn bad. I don't go out of my way for my own bio-mom, so don't feel bad.
You didn't say if you have gotten counseling to deal with the issues with your mother, her husband, and your childhood. I think it would be helpful so you can learn to support your own choices. You don't owe anyone a relationship with your daughter. You didn't choose for this man to be in your life and it doesn't sound as if he has earned a place in it. It's okay to talk with your mom about both of your positions and see if common ground can be reached. Just because your mom doesn't like your decisions doesn't mean you are wrong. Being clear about why you make the choices you make is one thing counseling can help with. Good luck.
I am confused as to WHY they pulled your original question...and you may not have read my response before they pulled it.
With more of the back story on this version...I am more understand of WHY your Mom may be so dependant upon this husband but I still don't think you should let her pressure you into exposing your daughter to someone that has been so unkind and uncaring to you in the past. I would encourage your Mother to come and visit you without her husband...or meet them somewhere in public....a restaurant...the zoo...where you can have some control over how much contact you have with him and you can also control how long the interaction goes on.
You are your daughters chief advocate...and you are right to follow your gut instinct and protect her in everyway possible!!
Your Mother deserves a relationship with her grandchildren but not at the expense of their safety and emotional security.
I'm really sorry you're dealing with this toxicity in your relationships.
However, I think that your mother could not have lived with her husband and NOT seen the terrible treatment of her children---unless she chose not to see it. She is in denial. It would probably be best if she got psychological help (but she probably won't, and doesn't think she needs it).
I think you need to have a sit-down discussion with your mom and tell her what happened (site examples that happened to you & your sibs) done to you by her husband. Then explain that because of this, while you know that she loves him, you cannot in good conscience go out of your way to foster a relationship between your daughter with a man who couldn't treat his stepchildren with any modicum of honest compassion. Tell her that you value your relationship with her and love her.You might even mention her relationship with her dad, and how it may be affecting her view of how things are with you & her husband. But be prepared for her to get angry and/or defensive. Don't back down, though if you feel this strongly. (You might want to read up on non-violent communication before doing this, to help de-escalate things).
You could go so far as to get your sibs to do an intercession with her (each share something about their treatment by this man), but not be judging of her. Or if they don't want to meet with your mom, have them write down a story and sign it (but they may not want to, depending on how they feel/where they are at in their relationship with you/your mom/her husband).
Sadly, I think that your mom is going to continue on with this man, and it may be a "package deal" (or at least your mom may view it that way)--ie, if you love her, you should love him.....
You cannot help her, but you can protect your family, and you can prevent this poison from entering into your own family.
I understand how you feel. I also think the more people a child has to love them the better. If he can treat her like a grandchild he should be allowed to have some interaction with her (in your presence of course). I would not go out of my way to foster a relationship but I would not discourage it either.
i would not let her be with him alone. you already know what he can be like when your mom isn't around. the thing where he is supervised, i would make sure you are there at all times. your mom didn't protect you so what is to say she will stand up to him if he starts something. anyway i guess you sould go with your gut for now. good luck and god bless, R.
Personally I would hate him too! Here is what you need to ask yourself. Do you want your daughter to have a relationship with her grandmother? If the answer is yes, then you need to let her see her new granddaughter in her home...SUPERVISED only. Your daughter is really, really young and will not suffer any of those things you did unless you leave her with your mom when she is a bit older. You can go to their house and sit there visiting with your mother while your mother holds your daughter. You visit an hour or two and you leave. Next time you ask if your mom wants to meet you and your daughter out for a nice lunch, shopping, etc Try to schedule time when her husband is not home. If he is there, just sitting there while you visit, let him. Let him sit there and you be mature and respectful b/c you are a good person. You do not need to be overly nice, you do not need to listen to him disrespect you, you just visit with your mom. I did not like my mom's husband either so I went and visited and just didn't talk to him more than I had to. I just visited and acted normal. You can do that. You need to do that if you want your mom in her life. Never let your daughter over there alone and if your mother ever fights you over it, you decide at that time what your next step is. Good luck to you keeping your daughter emotionally safe.
