So my great grandma died the funeral was monday. We drove 5hrs for an early thanksgiving for saturday that was suppose to be for my grandma but sadly she didn't make it until then. My mom said when the funeral was done we should pack and go home. I thought it would be easier on all of us if we left tuesday morning. I have 5 kids so it's not the easiest to get everyone out the door. Anyways I get the impression that she just doesn't want us to invade her space. And when we were at the wake I watched how she interacted with my niece and I don't recall seeing her act that way with my 4 girls, and I can't remember if she acted that way with my son. When we offer to stay elsewhere it really frosts her, but when we stay at their house it's like walking on eggshells, in bed by 9, no drinking, no nothing. Anyone ever had to deal with this? And what did you do? Just to make clear it was my father's grandma who passed. I was down 2weeks ago and stayed with my brother in law and it really frosted her, she made comments to me and my aunt "well I see how much you love us, you don't want to see us/stay with us" She wasn't joking either. I guess it's one of those dance with me don't dance with me, kind of deals. I don't know I guess it's one of those screwed up things you just can't fix.
One Word: HOTEL
Really. I have had visitors lately and it is really a lot to deal with. Some families think that is an insult but I think If you get a bad vibe go get a room.
Get in, get out, and while you're there, grin and bear it. With a mom like this, unfortunately, there is nothing you can do to please them. I think they thrive on "control" or at least having a sense that they're in control.
In your situation, you have the added double whammy of being at her house for the funeral, I'm guessing" of her mother?? Get ready, if she's generally demanding under ordinary circumstances, when the reality of the death finally sets in, she'll probably kick it up a notch...and then some.
My mother turned into a monster after her parents died almost 3 years ago, and she's been making me pay "emotionally" for it ever since.
The only remedy I've come up with is keep my distance until I absolutely need to interact with her. And like you, she uses the kids as a way of getting to me. Depending on the situation she's either distance and doesn't want to be bothered with them...or she'll do a 180 and insist we don't visit enough and go waaaay over board on extravagant gifts that I don't approve of, and she knows it. If I say anything it turns into war. If I don't, she punishes later accusing me and my kids of being greedy and only coming around because she gives stuff. UGH!
All I can say is distance...and interaction when necessary to keep peace in the family.
I'm sorry for your loss. There is nothing like the privilege of having known one's own great-grandparents.
As far as the problem with your mother: I think that your mother is being passive-aggressive towards you. Talk to her directly when making arrangements with her. Let her know that you really love her and she can tell you the truth about how she feels. My mother is often very indirect with me and my solution throughout the years has become to lead with her by example: I am direct with her and I do not let her play games with me, like saying she wants us to come visit--insisting we visit--and then behaving right away as though she's overwhelmed we are there for one whole (*gasp*) day...I tell her that if she is overwhelmed, we will leave so she can enjoy herself--and then she tells me what is really bothering her. Give yourself some room, help your mother with her passive-aggressiveness, and next time get a hotel room. So what if it frosts her? Are her feelings your responsibility or are they hers?
Listen, I haven't always gotten along great with my Mom and have a MIL that isn't the greatest, but when I stay with either of them for whatever reasons I abide by their rules no matter what. It's their house and I want to respect them. If your Mom doesn't want drinking in her house then don't drink. I smoke and I would never, ever get mad at my MIL for not letting me smoke in her home. In fact I usually don't smoke for the week we are there because I don't want to deal with where I am putting my cigarette butts and having her smell smoke on me.
On the other hand, if really is that bad then you need to put on your big girl panties and deal with her. Tell her you are staying somewhere else because it is easier on you and your family and that is it. You don't need to tell her why as that might start an argument. Just tell her what your are doing and that is the end of the conversation. Don't buy into any "guilt trips" as it sounds like your Mom might be good at those. I know my Mom is, but I have learned how to deal with it.
Hi J.! It sounds like your mom doesn't know how to set boundaries. My FIL is like this. He acts like he wants us there but then gets frustrated that we infringe on "his" time or don't do things exactly the way he thinks things should go.
I TOTALLY agree to go to a hotel next time. Let your mom know that you would love to spend as much time as possible with her while you are there but to respect her space you will sleep elsewhere. If she gets mad, tell her how you feel when you are in her home. Calm, respectful honesty is the way to go!
I had to tell my FIL that it's hurtful to make someone think that they are welcome in your home and then be resentful that we couldn't get the kids to eat their meal fast enough to be out the door before the 6:30 news. Now, he understands and he is very cordial.
Good luck!
I'm wondering if you were living with her when you had your first child. I see that you would have been 17. It could be as simple as she was once put in a position where she sould be need to do more and now she's not needed. Sort of trying to play second mom. Wait till some time has lapsed for her to start feeling better and talk to her. You are the parent. I know there is no chance anyone gets to tell me when my kids go to bed, even if it is their home. My child, my rules. If this makes them mad then maybe they aren't really worth having a relationship with.
Your mother was probably thinking of you when she suggested you leave after the funeral, that you and you family need to get back to work, school, etc. And perhaps she needed a little greiving time and it may be hard for her to do that having to "entertain" the extra people in the house. I think the fact that she wants you to stay with her means that she does care about you and your children, but you have to respect her house rules as you would staying at anyone's house other than your own. A funeral is a stressful time for everyone.
I grew up always staying with the grandparents when we would visit. Always at least 7 people sharing one bathroom, pet hairs everywhere, having to eat foods that we didn't like, and listening to somebody advising my parents on what they were doing wrong in raising us. As an adult, I get a motel room. That way, everyone has privacy, you aren't all in each other's faces 24/7, and the visit is enjoyable instead of something that you can't wait to have done with.
If your mom has control issues (and it sure sounds like that is at least part of the problem), let them be her issues, and don't let her make your family miserable for them.
I am sorry for the loss of your great grandma.
Please don't take it personally, it sounds like your mom didn't want to deal with a house full of people while she is mourning. Some people just want to be able to be left alone to cry it out. Give it time and call her and ask her why she insisted you go so soon.
Also, don't play the jealousy game with the granddaughters. I am sure your mother loves all her grandchildren but probably knows your niece better since she is closer. If you start watching it then so will your kids and then you will have them feeling they aren't loved enough by their grandma. My sister in law did this with my daughter and her daughter. Her daughter started making remarks about "wishing she could be the favorite granddaughter". My mother in law never had favorites but she did know my daughter better because my daughter spent a lot of time with her. She enjoyed her time alone with grandma and my niece got bored and wanted my daughter there to play whenever she was at grandma's. Chances are your mom and your niece are very close because they see more of each other.
It also sounds like she is thinking of you as a child still and so the rules are the same as when you were a kid. I guess you could split your time there between her house and your brother in laws so she doesn't feel you don't want to be there but doesn't feel overwhelmed too.
Whatever you do, handle it with love, respect and grace. Your daughters are watching to see how you handle yourself around her and that is how they will handle things with you when they are grown.
