My DD is 14 - and while I don't think she's there yet - it is scary and I know she has a friend who has had sex and acquaintances who have as well. I am certain she hasn't yet becuase she's still very open asking questions and telling me about things she hears about people.
First of all - if your DD is 16 or older HIPAA laws prevent you from finding out ANYTHING about her health status without her permission. Personally I think it's outrageious that as parents we are financialy and legally responsible for them through 18 but have lost the right to have information about any medical status once they attain 16. But that discussion is for another website! So if she's over 16 no doctor will tell you anything - she could have a STD, pregnant, or dealing with a serious emotional problem and you have no rights to know that. All that being said ,really - do you expect to take her to a GYN for a hymen check? Really? Think that one over first.
BAck to stuff my DD tells me - it's frightening. Girls are so convinced that they have no value that they want to please their boyfriends so they'll do anything. These girls have classified anything other than intercourse as not being sex. So oral and anal are, in their minds, not sex. So they convince themselves that they're not having sex, but they instead pleasure thier boyfriends in this way so they can still consider themselves virgins, or tell themselves they're "not sluts" since they're not "really" having sex. While the girls obviously want intimacy and get their juices flowing, the boys jsut can't instantly stop things the way girls can. The boys are still pressuring the girls for some completion - and the girls are doing whatever they think they have to do. So, your DD may be doing other things that she doesn't classify as sex. It's heartbreaking - it really is. The thought of my DD in someone's basement trying to make her boyfriend happy just breaks my heart wide open.
What I know is the best way to give our girls some value and self worth which will help them hold off on this boy-pressure is to have a dad who adores them and cherishes them. All the girls I know who have a good head on their shoulders and can keep boy-girl relationships in perspective are those whose dad's spend time with their girls, hug them, tell them they look beautiful, look into their eyes and acknowledge their accomplishments, go to their sporting events, their art shows, etc. They pick them up from activities, have the boyfriends over for dinner, etc.
Also - do you ahve an ongoing conversation with this boy's parents? My DD doesn't go to anyone's house unless I know that parents will be there and that parents have similar values as we do. My DD had a friend who was a boy (she referred to him as her BF - but since she's not allowed to date yet he wasn't really) and if she was invited to their house for dinner I talked to the mom first. I made sure she undrestood that they are not allowed in bedrooms, etc. the mom explained that she was jsut as conservative as we are and that the LR was the only place they were allowed.
I did find out though that my DD's best friend's parents on the other hand, while conservative are too gullible for me and allow thier kids to go downstairs to the finished basement to hang out with their opposite gender friends - alone - for hours at a time. What is the difference between that and a closed door bedroom?
As for the birht control - I don't know what to tell you. I will face this quandry shortly myself and I don't have a good answer for you. Yes it does seem that you condone sexual intimacy if you take your child for BC - on the other hand, it's so much better to avoid a pregnancy than to have your child raise a child - or far worse, sneak an abortion and live with those consequences for the rest of her life.
Pray about it, take your DD on a long drive where you can talk but not have to look at eachother - ask her about what "friends" are doing and see what her opinions are - that will give you feel for what might really be happening and how her thought process works. Yikes, I'm nearly 52 and the teen years in the 70's were so different - yes, while it was the beginning of the sexual revolution it was still much more innocent a time... I'm so not ready for this time of my DD's life.