Problems with Stepson

Hi A.,
Being a stepmom is challenge enough without all the extra drama isn't it? (speaking from experience!) I do think the help of a therapist would probably be a good thing but as far as a residential custody change, you'll probably want to contact an attorney for advice....expecially if things are as up and down with the ex as it sounds.

I am a therapist myself and deal with lots of kids in divorce situations and with behavioral problems. I work in Naperville. I can also recommend a good attorney in Wheaton if you need one. I don't want to be pushy so if you want more info, you can contact me at ____@____.com Luck!!

OY. A. I feel your pain. You need to think VERY hard about this and have several talks with your husband first. I am also a stepmom, a child of divorce AND a mother of a child who has Asperger's. I think I can speak a little to this...
A. Any 9 year old will look at the other home and think it is better than their own situation, regardless of whether it is true or not. The old *grass is always greener* thing. Consider waiting until he is of age (12) to have him make that decission. Transition him slowly, go to therapy as a family, make sure he has his own room, write down the rules/consequences and post them where he can see them.
B. Any child with Asperger's can be very difficult to live with, even under the most optimum situations. My son was more agressive, self-centered and single focused. They expect 100% attention on THEIR terms. If you have other children it will become a struggle to give him the specialized of attention he needs and the quality attention your other children need. In other words, it will be hard not to put him in the center of your universe and ignore the other children because you are so exhausted focusing on him. He may or may not be telling the truth when he says that he is suicidal but that is for a therapist to assess. Whatever his issues are will absolutely complicate your lives more than you can imagine. Unfortunately you have other children to consider, not just him.
C. If there is not good communication between the exes then you are looking forward to a major battle, which has impact on everyone. Sit down with your husband's lawyer and look at your current orders. If you are entitled (and it will say yes or no) to information about your stepson then go to the school/doctors and give them a copy. You can have them give you up-dates without having to get them from the ex. Find out who his therapist is, offer to take him, ask the therapist if you can have a *family* session of your own to discuss all this. Even if it takes offering to pay for his sessions. Get him a lawyer who will represent him. The lawyer will look at the whole picture, talk to doctors, etc. and will be able to represent HIS best interests in court. Maybe longer visitations are in order.
Whatever the decision it will be very hard and will have long range impact on everyone. Support your husband but do not let him act on emotion alone. Cover all your bases BEFORE you act. IMO, try to keep him where he is and work to stablize things there as best you can. Make your home a haven for him to come, try to be loving but firm. Good luck...

Is there a counselor/ therapist that your step son sees? Or maybe the school counselor? You mentioned that he was going to be going back to the behavioral hospital- is that a definite? Maybe once he's there- his primary caregiver there would be someone that you could discuss this with. Would any of the above be someone that his mother would listen to? If none of those work you just may have to go to court to gain custody of him. Stress from things like changing schools and such are something that you can work on with him and help him control. It doesn't sound like he'd be able to make any progress at all in the situation he's in now. Good luck and I hope things work out for you all.

Try appealing to his mother & also read up on ADD. I have a son with ADD. Part of the nature of ADD is they are easily frustrated & overwhelmed. It takes a lot of parental support to help them learn to become emotionally mature. You didnt say if he is medicated & if not I hope you consider this as a real option. Family counseling has been helpful, too. His mother doesnt appear to be up to the challenge of supporting him at this time. Luckily he can depend on you & his dad to step in & you will have much more control than when he becomes a teen.

I am not familiar with autism and only a little with add/ adhd, but I am the SAHM of 2 boys ages 5 and 11. I am also divorced. My best advice would be to seek legal counsel IMMEDIATELY! My ex husband doesn't even keep current on child support, but I legally still need to keep him informed about his children (and for the most part he is a good dad). The fact that the boys mother has listed her boyfriend as the boys father is completely illegal. If the child has talked about suicide you must act quickly and seek any legal counsel you can. The courts can help with emergency placements and such.

I think it is great you want to take care of your stepson as well as your own. Whatever is best for the children is the only thing that matters!

Goodluck and all my prayers

Wow. That is a lot going on. It sounds like his mom just doen't know how to deal with him and you guys sound like a better place for him. No one should ever swear at a child. I would talk to his teachers and he probably has or should have a social worker assigned to him and to your attorney before you do anything. Additionally do your research on caring for this child. There is a lot of information out there about food allergies and other food related issues that can agitate these problems. Of course there is so much more than food issues involved. The more you know the more prepared you are to deal with whatever comes up. I have worked with children with ADHD and Bi-polar disorders. Family support and understanding is huge and those that do their homework and make changes to help support the child are the happiest and most successful in the real world. It takes a whole lot of love. Good luck my prayers are with you.

A.,
I really don't have any personal experience with what you're going through, but I can only imagine that it must be very difficult! So I don't know if my advice is worthwhile, but I do have a degree in Child Development and to me, the fact that he is asking to live with you means he is trying to say something; i.e. that he feels safe and secure with you, or "please help me!" I think if a child is vocalizing this it must be hard for him with his mother and it is a cry for help for some love and stability. Like you said, it may be good just to have a trial period and you can discuss this with him (maybe if he knows that if he behaves well he will get to stay with you, that will be big motivation for him). Changing schools, and homes is stressful, but that's usually more if the child doesn't want to. It sounds like he is willing to give up his current environment in light of the stress he is feeling already. I think the best thing a child can have a is a stable home, even if everything else (school, etc.) is volatile, at least he can have a place where he feels safe and loved. In terms of someone to talk to, I'm not sure I can be much help there... is there anyone in your social group or community that you know of? Anyway, well hope this helps. Good luck and I hope that your stepson can get on a path to feeling loved and safe! The longer it's postponed, I think the worse it will get. The world's pull is getting stronger nowadays it seems, so we need good homes for kids to grow up in. That's just my two cents :) Good luck!

Hi A.,
I just realized that I just responded to you for your need for a Dr. I hope he can help or at least direct you.
I just read about your step-son. You should be commended first of all. You really have your hands full. I think I have resourses that would be of great help to you.
First of all if your husband has joint custody with the ex-wife over the children then he should be able to inform the school of his own contact information as well. Often times the school will welcome the genuine concern of both parents and if he has legal rights then he has a right to exercise them. As far as speaking to someone there are professionals at the school regarding the physcology of the child regarding moving the child if that is what you and your husband would purpose to do. There is the same consideration toward the child's Drs. Again, if the father has joint custody he can call the Drs. office and give his own personal information regarding his son, or get a Dr. of his own for his son for that matter. I had to litterally keep my divorce papers handy for a number of years because my ex-husband often times wanted to do things his way and not by the order of the court, and unfortunately for us adults we loose the right to do that when things get determined by a court of law; and if in fact the determination was in joint custody then he has just as much right; even though the children physically reside with the mother it DOES NOT negate his rights as the childs OTHER biological parent.
If you need legal direction to navigate by then there is Prairie State Legal Services..###-###-#### 350 S. Schmale Rd.#150 Carol Stream, IL. 60188 You can try prairiestatelegalservices.com and on that web site is a link for Southern Illinois University Law School Clinic self help page. It at least may give some kind of direction as far as asking questions in a safe forum.
The Autism...My daughter was text book and never had a diagnosis because of other learning disabilities. We have gone through ALOT. She is 20 now. So I have already trudged that path. There is a book out called Building Wellness With DMG and I do not remember the Author's name but you can buy the book on line probably or else I know the Health Emporium carries that book and the owners name is Carol and she is very knowledgable. She has been in the Health and Nutrition Industry for over 30 years and she will help you without taking you for every cent you're worth. The number at her store is ###-###-#### and she is located at 14 E. Streamwood Blvd. in Streamwood. There is a company that developed a product and holds the patent for the product in the use of it for cancer and autism. I use this product to manage my own seizure disorder. I do not have autism or cancer. It is an amazing safe product, and natural. This is made by a company called Food Science of Vermont and there are many Drs. that are familiar with it. The product itself is called Aangamik DMG and the one of the products they use for the Autism is Behavioral DMG. I have used that product for my daughter when she was around 16 years of age and we had positive results. I am taking care of a little boy who is 27 months old and is text book for ADHD. I changed his diet and gave him fish oils and have a much calmer child on my hands as a result. The other resource I would strongly encourage you look into is www.mindeyeconnection.com This is a neuro-optomotrist that can help with the ADHD, She is amazing. Her name is Dr. Debra Zelinsky and you can get her number off of the web-site. I just took my daughter there. We have been trying to go there for 2 years. I am glad we were finally able to go. God has been extremely gracious to me and my daughter. My entire actually because it effects everyone. I hope that this information is of some use to you. If you would like to talk just post and I will send you my e-mail.
God Bless You and your family,
M.