Privacy for a 13 Year Old.

I have teenagers and this is a tough one. You want them to have a sense of privacy but not lose touch with what's going on. We installed a program on the computer that let's us koow what site's she's been on, and another that forwards us the emails. I know some people will say that's in an invasion of privacy, but would these same people drop their child downtown and drive away? It's not my child I don't trust, it's other people!
When my daughtetr's girlfriends come over the door can be shut. If boys are involved hanging out in the bedroom is not an option. It sents a really bad example of appropriate behavior. Unless you live in a house that resembles a 3 ring circus this should work Also, the best place to hear what's going on is the car. You'd be amazed what you can pick up if you just drive and listen.

Finally, don't assume that everything at 13 is so innocent. The world is a very different place then when we were young. If you start seeing changes in personality, school etc it may be a phase, but it also may be signs of larger problems. Be on the lookout! Good luck

this is not a good thing. you should always know whats going on.kids need to know boundies. they should not be allowed to PLAY in the bedroom!!!! be around at all times. do things with them, go to the beach or to the movies. M. - mother of a 15 year old son

S. ~ My daughters are now 22 and almost 19. I totally remember this stage in their lives. What fun. Let them close the door. Like all the other women said, keep the communication lines open. I always talked with my girls. I find that the best place to get them to open up is in the car. We would go out for drives (of course gas was less than $1 a gallon back then) and they would spill their guts about everything and everyone. I never judged them or their friends, but talked to them openly and honestly. I personally would rather have the girls and their friends at my house than anyone else's home. At least I would know where they were. Talking and giggling and just being girls is the best, they need a safe place to do that and how lucky are you that they have chosen your home. Again keep the communication open and allow them to be girls. Check on them every once in a while to offer drinks, snacks, whatever. Even stop in to tell them how much fun it sounds like they are having. Tell them it reminds you of when you were young and you and your friends used to do the same. (Letting them know that you too were fun at their age.) Just love your daughter and her friends. You will build a stronger relationship with her just by letting her and her friends have their privacy within your home. Best of luck to you and your family,
L.

Hi S.!!

I have a few years before I have to worry about this (thank goodness) but as I read your question, I couldn't help but to think back to my childhood. I remember being 13, and wanting time with my friends. We basically talked about boys and changes going on with our bodies, listened to music and did each other's hair. I'm sure it's got to be hard to kind of "let go" and let her have her privacy with her friends. Just make sure that you are always there for her. Let her know that no matter what she can always come to you with any questions or concerns. Just do everything you can to stay involved with her life. Know who her friends are and become "friends" with them. Earn their respect. If they respect you, they are less likely to do things that they shouldn't be doing.

Good luck,

L.

I feel for you... no matter what, especially at this age... DO keep open communication with her... kids need to know that no matter what, that they can go to their Parents/Mom to talk about ANYTHING under the sun... without fear of being judged or critiqued or "lectured." Kids NEED to be able to "chat" with their Mom, and bounce ideas off of them, or just to talk about their day, about their friends, about problems, anything.

This is what my late Dad did... with me and my sister. He knew that girls "need" this... and all through our phases and "growing up" and teen years... we cherished this being able to go to him for anything... no, he didn't act like a "buddy", but a Parent who just loved us no matter what.

We went in our rooms too, with our friends, wanting the door "closed"....but every now and then, he'd come and say "how about a snack", "you girls need anything?", "We have a great movie to watch out here, I'll make popcorn" etc. He also would make sure to engage with my friends in conversation... as he knew that some of these girls did not have a "close" Dad/Parent figures... and they really would open up to him too. And soon enough, we didn't try and "avoid" him as a "Parent"...but really looked forward to hanging out at my house. MOST of all, my Dad trusted me... and always told me "I'm going to trust you... so hell or high water... I know you will do the same, and come to me, not hide anything....especially something questionable..."
I really learned from this... and it "taught" me well and how to respect elders and about expressing myself and caring. A kid needs this.

I teach my girl, now, the same way. I feel blessed by the "style" my Dad handled us.

All the best to you,
Susan

well, you can do it one of two ways, as i see it....you can make a rule that no doors are to be closed when friends are over (which was the rule in MY house, when i was young). or, depending on how observant your daughter is, put a baby monitor in there. i do that w/my son (11 yrs old & NOT observant at all) when he has friends over. this may seem a bit over the top, but coming from MY background (raised by a police officer), it's tame! lol just make sure that if you are ever 'caught' you have a response ready to go! mine will be, "when you live on your own & pay all your own bills, you can do whatever you want in YOUR OWN HOUSE. right now, you are in mine". our kids are exposed to sooooo much more than we were when we were 'coming up' - especially girls, what with all the images of women in magazines/media, etc... i'm always a fan of do whatever it takes to stay involved & keep up on the 'ways of the kids these days'! good luck to ya

Hi S. L,
You are absolutely right about probably the stuff your daughter and friends are talking about. At that age is very normal for kids to want more privacy. Just go back to when you were her age, what did you talked about with your friends. If you alow her some privacy now, she won't be shy about telling you about herself and friends. As long as she doesn't take a boy to her room and closes the door. I honestly say it's perfectly normal. Don't worry too much.... She will sense it and won't talk about it, therefore grow distance from you. Give her trust and she will love you for it.

Sincerely,

Another mom, R. G

You so need to let her have her privacy, especially when it's as simple as a closed door. I know it's hard, as a loving mom, to feel shut out and not know so much as to what's going on. She's going thru a normal phase right now where she's probably pushing you away. Generally, the more you resist, the more she'll push. Work on keeping those lines open in several ways---be the taxi mom, taking the girls to the movies, mall, etc. You learn so much as the quiet driver, hearing all the latest gossip! Try to plan standing dates with your daughter----for instance, Wednesday evening is "your" date night. You go get mannie/peddies and Starbucks, movies and dinner, shopping at the mall, mini golf, etc. Mix it up! When her friends are over, occasionally make them a special snack and take it to them (always knocking first). What are their fave foods---diet pepsi, chips and dip, cookies, pizza?? Don't stay in the room, just leave the snack, say a few nice things, and leave. Be the "cool" mom so the girls will want to be at your house. If you insist on open doors, hang out too much, etc., they won't want to be at your home. Do what you can to make it warm and welcoming and "cool". Good luck!

I have four kids, 26, 23, 21, and 9. The teen years are where the rubber meets the road when it comes to parenting, and where things get scary. Yes, you want to know what your daughter and her friends are talking about, but she is not your possession. She is a person who has every right to have private conversations with her friends in her own room. DO NOT make the biggest mistake that parents can make during these years, which is being overly controlling. It will backfire on you big time. Once a child hits the teen years, and your daughter is now there, an open-door policy is an invasion of privacy. Children this age need and deserve privacy. Do not assume that a closed door means trouble is going on behind it. And don't even think about the baby monitor idea. That would be extremely counter-productive. Treat your daughter with dignity and respect, not with suspicion and authoritarianism. You cannot force your kids to be good. there is no way to guarantee that your daughter will make it through the teen years successfully. But you need to exhibit trust and a huge amount of self-control right now. Crack down on her now, allow her no privacy, and she will turn rebellious right before your eyes. And you could end up regretting your actions for the rest of your life. Trust me on that. She is moving toward adulthood. Allow her the space to develop, even though your instinct is to hold her tighter. Hold her loosely and she will be able to develop maturity in a comfortable and safe setting. Grip her too tightly and she will have no choice but to pull away.

I have a 13 year old. She does the same thing with friends. It was hard for me at first, but I have learned to let it go. I have heard from parents of older girls that if you try to control them and pry, they will resist and rebel even more. They aren't rebelling, they are probably just talking about boys, etc. When they are older, they will still want privacy, just keep your eyes open even more for signs of anything suspicious. (P.S. I just read the other responses - I would never ever put a monitor in the room. That's just such an invasion of privacy.)

my kids are nowhere near that age, but what my parents did seems reasonable to me. i was allowed to have friends in my room, but the door could not be shut if there were boys there. with my girlfriends, it could be shut. teens need their privacy, but there has to be a limit.

How about hanging sheer drapes on a spring rod that fits on her bedroom door?

S.,

If you want her to be trusted, then trust her. It is the children who are questioned all the time, who challenge the rules. If you want to know what is going on in her life, ask her! Yes, I know that it is hard to get through the privacy thing, but if you handle it the right way, your daughter will talk in front of you and you WILL know what she is talking about. I have a 25 year old, a 20 year old, and an 11 year old. Trust me, but most of all trust your daughter. The one thing to remember is that she is without you all day at school. You cannot follow her around, only your words can follow her around. Anyhow, my 25 year old boy has never been a talker (to me), but my 20 year old girl told me the girls whose behavior was the worse, were she the ones whose parents trusted them the least!

Anyhow, it is a VERY difficult age. So much change all the time. Just keep communicating in a positive way, and you will get that back MOST of the time. Not all the time, because that age is the age that they push the envelope. Just set some reasonable rules, and allow them to be broken under extreme circumstances.

Anyhow S., good luck.

M.

I have two stepdaughters, one in college and one in high school. It is very common once they start puberty (around 12-13) they want their privacy and on some level, their own life. It is completely normal and it is hard at first, cause they really start to assert their independence from you as a parent. I can recall my stepdaughter asking my husband and I to drop her off on the side of the movie entrance cause she did not want her friends to see her parents (they are ALL like this!) It is also hard cause you want to have some idea of what they are doing. I think if she has boys over, it is NOT appropiate for that door to be closed whatsoever. Trust me on this one....if it is just girls, having friend time, then let her shut the door. Talk to her about things, like drugs, drinking, teen pregnancy, keep your channel of communication open. If you suspect something is off, then in my opinion, you have a right to snoop, whether it is a my space page or backpack. Believe me, it is scary how many parents DO NOT know their kid at age 15, is doing coke, drinking, or taking laxatives or throwing up to loose weight.
These are all things that did not happen to my stepkids, but more or less, to friends of theirs.

With all that children have to deal with today - even the best of children experiment and can be pushed into pier pressure. With that I would absolutely know what type of conversations are going on between her and her friends. You can place a baby moniter in her room or simply tell her that she needs to keep her door open. If you think about it, there is no logical reason why it should be closed. By keeping it open it will probably keep anything funny from going on (from her friends). She's not an adult yet! Just remember that!

P.S. NO BOYS IN BEDROOMS.

I am so glad you asked this question! My twin girls will be 13 in two weeks and I struggle constantly with letting them grow up and showing I trust them. It is soooooo hard. They are great girls and have never done anything major, but so much has changed since I was their age and the influence of others concerns me. But, I do let them close their door with their girlfriends, boys are not allowed in their room. I just try to keep open communication and so far I believe we have that. They tell me a lot more than I ever told my mom about friends and boys and changes that happen at this age. One thing I do to help with talking is watch the shows that they like with them. Even though most are not all that interesting to me and deal with sex issues a lot more than I think they should, it allows me to talk with them about waiting and dealing with boys and bullies, etc. And they look forward to this. When I am busy doing something, they will always remind me that it's time to watch whatever show. In fact today they have a friend over and the 4 of us made brownies and cookie dough and watched The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants together and now they are upstairs giving each other manicures. So, I'm right there with you, it's hard and stressful and worrisome, but you have to trust in how you raised them so far and just be aware. Good luck and I'll keep positive thoughts going your way!

S.,
Are you talking about just girlfriends, or boys also? It makes a difference. If it is girlfriends, allow the door to be closed, but have her understand that you can walk in at anytime. Sometimes bring them snacks, or drinks, or ask if they want any of the above? Bring clean laundry in, etc. Don't constantly bug them, but if you get that feeling in your gut, go check. It never hurts to error on the side of too much and not enough. If it is boys, do not close the door. Leave it partly open or don't allow them in her room at all. Have them out in a family room, media room, kitchen etc. When I was fourteen, my sort of boyfriend, I was not allowed to date then, had to keep his door open when I was there. I didn't even want the door closed. We listened to music, talked, ate food, drank sodas, and joked around. His mom walked by once and awhile and said something. It didn't bother me, and I understood why. Give her some privacy with some limits. As you give her some space, she will respond positively to you.
Remember, your the mom and you have her best interest at heart. Not control, but love.

E.:)

Hi S., you are right when you say the privacy is normal and healthy. and at that age they are probably talking about boys. My daughter is now 19 but when she was a pre teen and young teen, she was very open with me about the things going on at school and in her life, and when her friends saw that her and I had that type of relationship, they started talking to me as well, and at times they all wanted me to hang out in my daughters room with them, they key thing to knowing what they are talking about is to have a very close relationship with your daughter and her friends, I used to talk to them about staying pure until they were married, I talked to them about the morals of a young woman, and other issues as well, so that's how I pretty much new whatthey were talking about. Now for my son who is now 21, he was just the opposite and to pry my way into knowing what he and his friendswe up to or talking about by pruing my way in, and then it was just like my daughter and her friends, my son and I had great communication, and his friends always came here to talk about things with my husband and myself. So in my case this was the key to knowing what our kids are up to and talking about. J. L.

S.,

I support the door closed if there are no boys over. Even at 15 I do not let my daughter close the door when boys visit. It sets the standard of the home. I also give her privacy unless she shows signs that concern me. You need to pay attention to the details. Her behavior will tell you if she is up to no good. The best trick I did with my oldest is when I would give her freedom to 'hang out' with friends, I would call and ask where she was, then I would show up at the spot - see who she was with, what she was doing and so on. She got the picture quick that to have freedom you need to earn it. By the way, does she have a computer? The first concern would be if she is on Myspace - it was a shock when I found my daughters myspace when she was 12. Check her history if she has a computer, if she has a phone check the texting, this will give you indicators of what she is up to or if there is no harm and she is still one of the innocent ones just wanting some girl time.
Hope that helps.

Let her keep the door closed and have her privacy (as hard as that may be!) You don't want her to feel like she needs to go to someone else's house to have that privacy. Better they are all hanging out in YOUR home so you can at least know her friends and keep an eye on them! It probably IS all innocent, but many a crazy 13 year old plan has been hatched behind closed bedroom doors, so try to keep her talking to you! Good luck!

Our daughter, soon to be 13 in about 2 weeks is allowed to have her girlfriends over, as long as she has cleaned her room and helps around the house before their arrival. I allow her to close her bedroom door, since we have a 1 and 2 year old, as I understand the need for some privacy. As long as your daughter is respectful at school, grades are OK, and respectful at home, I feel this validates an earning of some trust. Of course, at this age, girls talk about boys all the time, but they also talk about other issues like family problems or other girl problems too. Since we have little ones, they are always in and out of the room and the girls don't really get upset. I'll also take in laundry or ask for some help just to keep an eye on them. The girls will normally take a break and walk around our closed community, taking photos or making videos of themselves. Myspace also give you great details on who she is networking with. I have the password, etc... and check it everyday. Text messaging is another problem and needs to be carefully monitored. Dad found our daughter text messaging a boy the other weekend night til 3:O0am, so girls will find a way to be sneaky. You must always be on top of them, know who their friends are, set limits and boundaries, and find ways so that they may earn your trust. These years are not easy, but open communication helps. I am here in this day and age along with you.

im sorry i dont have a thirteen year old yet but when i was a girl my mother would give my friends and i privacy inmy room as long as there werent any boys over. if there were boys we couldnt even go in my room, it was the front room or outside. and i really respected that rule and it was fair enough.

My daughter is now 15 and I already went through this with my boys (20 and 22). Always trust your "gut". If you've had a good relationship with her up to this point, and you trust her and know her friends, then give her the respect of privacy. One thing that may come up that wasn't as prevalent when I was growing up is that boys have also become part of the "girls" hanging out. My house rule is "no closed doors" when boys are over. It doesn't matter how long I've known them, the rule stands. I don't hover. As the others have said, keep the lines of communication open. And I agree that the car is the best place to learn about what is going on. After a while, the kids forget you are there and they talk openly about what is going on. When my oldest son hit his teens and didn't spend as much time talking with me, I remember telling him how it felt like he broke up with me! We laughed at how silly that was. This is all a part of her growing up and learning to be an individual away from you. It sounds like you have a good handle on things. Again, trust your judgement and that of your daughters.

I aHave 4 children & 7 grand children . Children are allowed to have privacy! If you need to know wats going on help your daughter to gan confadence in your judment on most things then she will tell you Important things . LETher grow up . you both can enjoy the process. A. of No. Hills

S.,
Just my opinion, but teens shouldn't have too much privacy. You should know what's going on, period. And if she doesn't want you to, then you need to explain to her that she shouldn't be talking about or doing things that are a secret from mom and dad. You would be surprised what young teens are capable of doing behind closed doors. Watch the movie Kids (1995) directed by Larry Clark.

This is the way we handle it. Friends that are boys are absolutely off limits to bedrooms and must stay in the front of the house where we can see them. Don't assume they always talk about innocent things. I would definitely not let her have her own computer in her room. Several kids I know have gotten in trouble by having access to a computer that was not in a public area and in a bedroom, sending inappropriate messages and pictures to others, etc. I would keep open communication with the friend's parents, no matter if they are boys or girls. That way at least you will know if the kids are telling the truth about where they are going, etc. And I would avoid having alcohol in my home if possible and lock up the medications where your daughters friends cannot access them. That way you do not run into trouble with substances. Best of luck to you. These are just some things to think about. You can never be too careful.

We have basic rules...if boys are in the room door stays wide open, girls she can have it closed. If you are worried about drugs or other things pop in un announced on occassion, you know to put away close or look for earings. you just need open communication. The rest of the stuff they talk about is between them and they need a little bit of privacy. I always ask after her friends leave, "so what did you guys talk about", most of the time I get the patent answer "nothing" but on occassion she tells me alot.
L.

Hi S.:
You didn't mention how old you were, but I have to guess your not that old. I think alot of times, parents forget what it was like when they were young teens.Think back...You must remember,getting together with your best friends, and talking about everything!I had 4 other sisters, and we use to lay around and gossip,giggle,talk about dumb boys in class,Talk about dorky teachers,and our favorite music groups. We loved to play cds,and sing. The privacy thing, was we just didn't want our friends to think that our parents HAD to be in on everything! How imbarassing that would have been to have to sit on the sofa all evening with mommy and daddy,when we could be acting silly,giggling and having fun.Like the other moms mentioned,simply keep the lines of communication open. Don't butt in,but be there for her.I wish you and your growing daughter the best.

What worked for my oldest at that point was to allow her the privacy when she asks for it (either vocally or by her actions) but engage her in candid conversations. Mhy husband and I believe that the more restrictions you place on your children the more likely they are to act out. By treating them with trust and respecting their need for a reasonable degree of privacy and freedom, your house becomes the house where the kids want to be, and your child will be more likely to confide in you. I remember at one point my daughter even brought up a conversation she had with her friends where they couldn't believe what she talked to me about and her response was "of course I told her that, she's my best friend".

As she gets older, I've had to give that role up a bit (I'm not nearly as cool as her 16 year old friends and I'm aware enough to know that she doesn't talk to me about everything), but I still feel confident that by treating her with the trust and respect we have, her dad and I can now trust her to bring the important things to our attention. And she prides herself on being trustworthy because she knows that the only way she can lose the priveledges that go with it is to lie (either upfront or by ommision) and break our trust.

It's really hard to let go of being a part of everything, but in the long run, I think you end up being invited to be involved in more than you would otherwise.

EDIT - Just want to clarify that this only applies if your child is hanging out with same sex kids, and if s/he has shown no behavioral issues that give you cause to mistrust them.