Pressure to Have Another Baby

Hi J.,
Sounds like he does not want to get married. He is 50 and he said not in the next year so you have your answer. Try to look at it as an outsider. I know that will be difficult.
It also seems like he has all the power. You keep asking the same question but when he tells you the answer you just wait a little while and ask him again. You will not be ready untill the lightbulb goes off. And the time that takes is different for everybody. I wish you luck, I know this is not an easy place to be in your life.

Well, that would depend on how determined you are to be married. If that is something you truly want then you need to discuss with him that this is something you need and if he can't provide it for you within a reasonable amount of time then you will have some decisions to make for yourself. If you can live without it so be it. What are his reasons for not wanting to be married, was he married before, did it go bad etc. Also, not to rain on your parade about having another child, you did say he was 50 years old, does he really want another child or is that just you. At 50 it can be tough to chase a little one around and all of the things that come with it, the older he gets and you the tougher it will get. I am not saying it can't be done but just giving you something to think about. I hope that you get what you need and want out of this situation. Good luck!

Read the book HE'S JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU. The answer should be clear. Can you afford another child if he is not in the picture? A vibrant dad? I can understand wanting a sibling for your daughter, but if he is not interested you can't make him. I suggest soul searching, some reading, and counselling. Good luck.

J.,
This sounds like me a year ago. My husband and I have a 9 month old and a 29 month old, but were only married 11 months ago. His previous marriage ended because she decided to leave him for another man. When she did, she cleaned out all of his bank accounts. To this day, he still has trust issues when it comes to money. The biggest obstacle for us to overcome was for him to learn that I AM NOT HER. I'd say that there are some issues that your partner still needs to work out. When I got pregnant with our 2nd child (though, neither was planned), I laid it out on the line. I told him how important it was to me that I be married (especially with 2 kids by the same man) and that I REFUSED to have any more children out of wed lock with him (though that was difficult as I was already pregnant). Finally, I told him that it would be before the baby was born or not at all. I was no longer going to give free milk, he would need to purchase the cow. I left the decision up to him and he decided that since the "piece of paper" meant that much to me, he'd rather not lose me. We examined the triggers of his discomfort with marriage and have taken the steps to reduce the risk of setting them off, i.e. budget/separate accounts. Now, we have pretty much the same relationship as before (with a little less stress and a lot less resentment on my side for not being married) we were married, but I have the peace of mind and the social acceptance that comes with being married.
Good luck. Your position is definitely not admirable. I cannot give you any advice because I don't know what is more important to you - being married (and all the feelings that come with getting to that place) or staying with your partner. Just follow your heart.

J.,

My husband is 50 years old as well (although I am 39, 'only' 11 years difference). When we met, he didn't want to get married at all, but he knew that if he didn't marry me, I'd consider it a partial commitment to me and I'd continue looking around. After living together for a year, he proposed and we have been married almost 10 years now.

There are many things that marriage gives, not least of which is a legal right to joint property without the same amount of headache, health insurance if one of you wants to stay at home, and (in my opinion) a more secure environment for your daughter. You might not think it will come up, but it definitely will at some point... she'll start asking 'why' pretty soon, which actually seems like an excellent question. I think you should really delve into why he doesn't want to marry you (cause if he did he would make it happen).

My husband was divorced and had two kids from that marriage - he told me that he would NEVER put his kids through that again, so until both of us were 100% committed to never leaving and getting a divorce, we didn't have kids. He knew it was important to me, though, and that I was just leaving some of the timing up in the air. Finally after three years of marriage, he was ready and I have a beautiful 3 year old daughter (after some miscarriages). To be honest, though, I'm not sure about having another one strictly because of his age - I'd like him to do 'fun' things with my daughter like bike riding, baseball, etc. and it's tougher for him now to do it. If your guy is 50 and not already a 'vibrant' 50, he's not going to change - I've finally accepted that part about my situation and will either make up for it myself or not have another one. It was my choice to be with him and these are some of the consequences.

Just thought I'd share part of my story - in my opinion, your guy is holding off marrying for some reason even if he won't admit it. Perhaps finding out what that is will help you with your future decisions in the partnership.

Good luck!

S.

I can understand part of your situation, my husband is 11 yrs older, we just had our second baby. But he had no problems marrying me. With our first we were not married. The big question you need to get an answer on is why he is not in a hurry to marry you. Has he been in another marriage gone bad maybe? I don't know all his background, like you would, there could be a reason he's not ready to say i do yet. But my best advice is to find out why then work through it and come to an agreement you both will be happy with.