Pregnant and Confused - Apache Junction,AZ

You have to do what is best for you, whatever that is. There is no shame in abortion, or adoption. You need to contact your doctor to talk about what your options really look like. At this early point you can still get a chemically induced abortion and avoid actual surgery. If you decide that is not right for you, then you either need to research what type of adoption you want (open or closed) or start setting into place the support you will need to keep the child and still finish school and work towards a future for you and the child.

I will be perfectly honest, if you were my daughter I would encourage you to abort and keep your focus on your future and on becoming a mother on your terms when you are truly ready.

Best of luck.

I would never under any circumstances encourage a mother to abort her baby. With that being said, here's an excerpt from an essay the recently deceased Maya Angelou wrote of her experience with finding out she was to be a teen mother. I hope it can offer you some rays of hope. If you would like any other encouragement, I can give you many accounts of my high school friends who conceived while we were teens, some of whom kept the baby, others who had abortions.

“When I was 16, a boy in high school evinced interest in me, so I had sex with him — just once. And after I came out of that room, I thought, Is that all there is to it? My goodness, I’ll never do that again! Then, when I found out I was pregnant, I went to the boy and asked him for help, but he said it wasn’t his baby and he didn’t want any part of it.

I was scared to pieces. Back then, if you had money, there were some girls who got abortions, but I couldn’t deal with that idea. Oh, no. No. I knew there was somebody inside me. So I decided to keep the baby.

My older brother, Bailey, my confidant, told me not to tell my mother or she’d take me out of school. So I hid it the whole time with big blouses! Finally, three weeks before I was due, I left a note on my stepfather’s pillow telling him I was pregnant. He told my mother, and when she came home, she calmly asked me to run her bath.

I’ll never forget what she said: “Now tell me this — do you love the boy?” I said no. “Does he love you?” I said no. “Then there’s no point in ruining three lives. We are going to have our baby!”

What a knockout she was as a mother of teens. Very loving. Very accepting. Not one minute of recrimination. And I never felt any shame.

I’m telling you that the best decision I ever made was keeping that baby! Yes, absolutely. Guy was a delight from the start — so good, so bright, and I can’t imagine my life without him.

At 17 I got a job as a cook and later as a nightclub waitress. I found a room with cooking privileges, because I was a woman with a baby and needed my own place. My mother, who had a 14-room house, looked at me as if I was crazy! She said, “Remember this: You can always come home.” She kept that door open. And every time life kicked me in the belly, I would go home for a few weeks.

I struggled, sure. We lived hand-to-mouth, but it was really heart-to-hand. Guy had love and laughter and a lot of good reading and poetry as a child. Having my son brought out the best in me and enlarged my life. Whatever he missed, he himself is a great father today. He was once asked what it was like growing up in Maya Angelou’s shadow, and he said, “I always thought I was in her light.”

Years later, when I was married, I wanted to have more children, but I couldn’t conceive. Isn’t it wonderful that I had a child at 16? Praise God!"

ETA: I would NOT go to Planned Parenthood. 98% of women who walk in there for crisis pregnancy counseling end up aborting. They are experts at getting women to reach that conclusion.

If you were my daughter, I would encourage you to abort. There is nothing wrong with that decision, the vast majority of women and girls who abort have no long term regrets. The most common emotion women experience is relief (there is solid research on this topic). If you decide against abortion, then adoption is clearly the best option for the child - having a loving, adult financially stable couple as parents will be so much better for her/him. Your best chance at finishing school, going to college and having a secure future is to either abort or adopt - not to become a teen mother.

I strongly disagree with Gamma G that it would be fine to expect your mother to raise this child for you. This is NOT her responsibility. It sounds like the boy knows he is not ready to be a father. He is 100% right. I think it would be truly horrible if you try to make him financially responsible for any more than 1/2 the cost of an abortion. Since he can't choose whether you terminate or not, he should not be responsible for any further consequences.

If you were my daughter, I would encourage you to abort. You are not ready to be a parent, nor would I expect you to be at your age. People who don't want to be parents should not have babies and should not be made to feel guilty if an unplanned pregnancy happens and they decide to terminate it.
Not to mention that you have a lot going on in your life right now that carrying a pregnancy would only complicate.
I have a grown daughter, and I had an abortion when she was four. I was using birth control and it failed. It happens. I won't go into detail about my circumstances at the time, but I was in no position to have, much less raise another child. I have no regrets about my decision.

There are plenty of people wanting to adopt a baby.... just think what a present you will be giving that family, AND your child?

I would talk to an adoption counselor....

Please understand that some of the places have their own agendas, and will try to push you for one or the other....... I'm also afraid if you go to someplace like planned parenthood they will try to sway you toward the abortion choice.

And... I applaud you for not giving in to the easy way out of abortion, or thinking that you need to keep the baby and try to raise it yourself.

Giving the baby up for adoption is an incredibly mature step that you could take.

There are women everyday who have an abortion and they are not monsters. There are married couples, ADULTS, who try every day to have a baby and can't. They end up having to adopt a baby.

The problem with so many young teens is that they start romanticizing baby after being pregnant for a while, and they listen to their ridiculous friends tell them how wonderful having a baby will be. And they decide NOT to adopt.

You say that you don't THINK you are ready to be a mother. That's an understatement.

Whatever you do, choose quickly. An early abortion is so much easier on everyone. And working with an adoption agency early on, if you decide against an abortion, will help you keep your resolve to give the child up to a family who will WANT the baby, will give it a good life with plenty of opportunities and can offer a stable home. I don't know how old that boy is who got you pregnant, but if he's a teenager too, he's not going to be able to pay child support. Your mom shouldn't have to be responsible for your mistake. The amount of money that a baby costs just boggles the mind. She chose to have her own children. She shouldn't have to be paying for your mistake.

If you decide to bring the baby to term to adopt it out, make sure that you finish school. That's one of the worst things you can do because of getting pregnant - dropping out of school.

I would go to planned parenthood and talk to a professional. A friend, not me, had an abortion in college. She was 19 or 20 at least so older than you. I asked her about it once and I get the feeling zero regrets. She said "oh, my life would have so different" in a voice implying different in a bad way. And I think she did literally say she doesn't regret it at all. She has kids now and is married. But it's a personal choice and if you guys are healthy your child could find a wonderful home. But talk to a professional. Good luck. It'll be ok somehow. Millions have gone thru this.

If you are already feeling in your heart that an abortion is not right for you, then do not do it. You can't take that decision back and you sound like you would feel guilty for the rest of your life.

Look into adoption. I have several friends that have adopted children and are grateful everyday that the birth moms gave them and the child this selfless gift. There are so many types of adoption too. It is not like the "old days". You can have open adoptions on so many levels Whatever YOU are comfortable with. Constant communications, at regular intervals, letters and pictures only, whatever you want to do. OR if you don't want communication, or until the child is older you can state that, too. Just look into it. It sounds like it might be right for you.

It's your choice 100%. You need to do what you feel is the right thing to do for you and your baby. You're very lucky to live in a country where you get to make the decision on what you feel is the best decision, and no one, not your parents and not the baby's father, get to tell you what to do or force you into a decision that you're not comfortable with.

Yes, even at 16 years old. Even at 14.

My advice is to find a quiet place so that you can quiet your mind. I'm sure that you know all of the logical reasons why you "should" terminate the pregnancy. I'm sure you know all of the reasons why people will tell you that you "should" keep the pregnancy. Why people will tell you that you "should" keep the baby or "should" give it up for adoption.

You know all of that... I know you do. So find your quiet place. Think about what matters to you. Think about not just how the current situation is making you feel, but how actually having a child might feel. Or giving a child up for adoption. Think about what type of support system you have, and if you can rely on them.

Don't underestimate yourself, no matter what you decide. You CAN do whatever you put your mind to. Keep your mom in the loop no matter what, ok?

I agree with your mother; it's your choice. No one else can make this choice for you. If you do not feel you're ready to be a mother, and you do not wish to get an abortion, you can always put the child up for adoption. This is the option I would hope my own daughters would choose. Have you ever watched the first season of Teen Mom? The whole concept of the show is mostly a train wreck. But in the show a couple gives their daughter up for adoption. They didn't abort her. And they didn't keep her. Those two made the best choice for themselves and their daughter. All of that in mind, were you on birth control? Did you use a condom? Were you dating the father? Or was it a random hook up? This is your chance to re-evaluate how this happened. Decide for yourself which direction you want your life to go.

ETA: Sometimes women feel they would be unable to say goodbye to a child they grew inside of them for 9 months. It is something to consider. But also keep in mind that many women choose to do this on purpose by becoming a surrogate for another woman. There is nothing greater than being able to give the gift of motherhood to someone.

Adoption is not "giving your baby away". It is the most selfless and responsible decision you will ever make. My daughter is adopted and the birth parents wanted what was best for her. They were simply not prepared and she was several years older than you.

Your parents are done having children I imagine so to assume that your mother take care of the baby is selfish.

Like Dana wrote, most girls and women are not ruined for life but are relieved. They will often be more careful and can definitely go on to have wonderful families and have an increased appreciation for the children.

M.,

It sounds like adoption would be the perfect solution for you. This way, the baby will get to live and someone else will raise it. I would strongly recommend you talk to an adoption agency in your area. Do your research and get references before you choose one.

If you already feel like you would be a monster for aborting it, then I think you would be someone who would have immense regret and remorse if you went through with it. This remorse can be lifelong. Don't do this to yourself. You are right that this baby's life doesn't deserve to end because you made a mistake. Unprotected sex has consequences and pregnancy is one of them. If you're ready to make an adult decision to have sex, you should be ready to deal with the results.

Please consider adoption as the best choice for you and the baby.

Adoption is a wonderful choice that would give your baby the opportunity to be part of a loving, stable family while also giving you the opportunity to finish growing up, finish high school and beyond, become an adult, and accomplish your dreams and goals.

I'm in my 30's and I struggle almost daily with the demands of working full-time, the responsibilities of home, taking care of my children, and finding the money to pay bills. AND, I'm married and not trying to do it all alone.

Being a parent is hard. Being a single parent is so much harder. Being a teenage single parent is an almost impossible feat. There is no shame in admitting that you're not ready to be a parent and giving your child a better life through adoption. There is strength in that decision.
Talk to your mom. Talk to your doctor. Talk to your school counselor. Talk to several adoption agencies.
I wish you strength and a lot of luck as you make this decision.

My opinion is just that M., my own opinion.

I was engaged to my first husband when we realized I was pregnant. He borrowed the money from his brother for me to have an abortion. I was rather submissive at that point in my life and agreed to go along. My boss, bless her heart, realized what we were going to do. I loved kids and was working in child care for goodness sake. She took my to her office and told me off. Lovingly of course but told me off good.

Mistakes happen. You sound like you have already chosen to have this child regardless. I think you should have it. BUT BUT BUT It is only my opinion. You have to choose what's right for you.

Please talk to your mom again. There are hundreds of thousands of grandparents raising grandchildren. If you do decide you want to keep your baby and want to raise it with their help them they need to be open to the idea of helping you and taking the baby sometimes for extended periods of time while you get your education and become an adult. They wouldn't be adopting or suing you for custody but more like a constant support.

I am raising 2 of my 7 grandchildren. My ex has 2, I have 2, 2 were adopted by a foster family (we see them several times per year), and the youngest is living with my daughter who has gone through rehab and has been clean for well over 3 years.

I miss those grand kids that were adopted out more than the ones that live with my ex or my daughter.

Please talk about all the options before you decide what to do.

If you have the baby the father will have rights. Some day he'll want to know this child even if he doesn't want to know them now/when they're born. His family will have rights to the baby too. If they are bad people then use that against them but have proof of anything you say. It will be your word against theirs.

You don't have to file for child support on him while he's in high school if his family will help out some. You should get support from him, in other ways, he shouldn't have to drop out of high school to go to work to pay child support.

I hope you'll be able to make the choices that are right for you and not give in to someone else even though it's not what you want. Sometimes not being pregnant is what you need.

I don't automatically go to "give it up for adoption" when a teen is pregnant. I have a niece that has a lovely daughter that she had when she was 16. She's never married and works for the state. She gave her daughter a wonderful life. She didn't have a great mom at home to help her out either. She just decided to be a mom and do it.

One of my best friends in my whole life had her first child 2 days after she turned 16 then had a child every other year until she had 4 kids. 4 kids by 22. She is the best mom ever!

People have families and some start younger than others. You can be pregnant and have an abortion.

You can have the baby and give it away, first choice should go to your parents, then HIS parents, extended family, perhaps even stranger/closed adoption. But the choice is yours to make. You have time.

Is abortion still an option? If do, do get some professional counseling. The clinic or doctor doing the abortion may have such help on staff or can refer you.

If you decide to keep the pregnancy you have several months to make the decision to keep or adopt. Your pregnancy is new. Deal with that first. You have a lot of strong and conflicting emotions now with just the pregnancy.Then get started in counseling so that you can make the best informed decision for yourself and your baby.

Each of the choices of keeping or adopting have many facets. For example: you can have an open adoption in which you're still involved with the babie's life. A teen friend did this. She and her family are closely involved with baby and adoptive parents. Her mother, the baby's grandmother bsbysits for them. Both families are together for birthdays.

M.,

I'm sorry you are in this situation.

You are NOT a monster. Having an abortion does NOT make you a monster.

You need to do what's right for you. If you do NOT feel comfortable with an abortion, you need to talk about adoption. go to your church and talk to your priest, pastor, etc. and find out what avenues you have open.

I personally would NOT go to Planned Parenthood. IN MY OPINION, they would pretty much convince you to abort and you would end up hating yourself for that, it seems with the way you are talking.

There are MANY couples out there who would LOVE the opportunity to adopt your baby and love him or her.

What do you take away from this situation? That's important as well. You have stated you are NOT ready to become a mother. So you need to think about this for your future....

I wish you luck and sending prayers your way.

It is your choice, but start looking at your options now. Go to Planned Parenthood. Talk to them. Set up your appointment TODAY. The phone number is 1800 ###-###-####. I am one of the few girls I knew growing up who didn't have a termination in their teens. That's only because I didn't get pregnant. If I had, I would have terminated the pregnancy. My friends and family who did have terminations went on to to have fulfilling careers, have travelled the world, have families, and are happy.

Try not to be pressured by people who's agendas do not match yours.

Here is a toll free number for a pregnancy hotline: American Pregnancy Helpline 866-942-6466.

I'm glad you told your mom and she is open to any choice you make.

I am pro-life and would encourage you to find a loving home through adoption, if you feel you're not ready to be a mom.

I think you should find a counselor to talk to. Someone who will be there through whatever choice you make and help you decide what to do as a third party. You have some time to sit down and think about your options.

I can tell you that if you were my daughter I would encourage you to carry the child but then adoption or parenting had to be your choice.

Bottom line is all three choices have pros and cons and there is no "easy" answer. If you are looking just for easy or simple, you have to set that aside. Look down the road and try to discern what choice you will most regret and what you can most live with. If you are not ready to be a mother, but would "feel like a monster" for getting an abortion, then talk to the counselor about adoption and perhaps talk to both adopted children and adoptive families. Many of my friends have adopted children and my cousin was adopted himself. It may give you perspective to talk to real people. One of my best friends was a freshman in college when she got pregnant. Engaged to a guy. Found out he's abusive and a jerk. They placed their son for adoption. When he is 18, he can find her. She knows his grandparents and she knows a little about his life. It was hard, but it was the right choice for them.

Sit down and make a list of the things a baby will need and the cost of providing them. Use store flyers or google to get the correct prices of things and not the made up prices that teens think everything costs. Next figure out how you and the baby's father will come up with the money needed to provide those things.

Figure out how you will finish your high school education and either a college degree or specialized job training to give you skills to get a job. You won't be able to live on minimum wage and it's unlikely you'll get a job that's more than that without an education.You need to figure out who will care for the baby while you are in school or watch him/her if you choose to do on line courses.

Lastly look at your options. If the father isn't stepping up now then chances are he never will. You'll be hauling him into court to get child support and then deal with visitation as you both have a few more boyfriend and girlfriends in your lives.

So now you get to choose. Keep the baby and put the action plan above into play? Abortion and deal with the aftermath? Adoption and deal with knowing someone else is being called mom and dad by your child? Every single decision is hard. It would have been an easier decision to use protection and not get pregnant in the first place.

What a hard situation--it is a blessing that your mother is supportive. Ultimately, you are the one who will need to make the decision, and it may help you to talk with supportive adults to try on the different scenarios, learn the positives and negatives, and so on. Is there a teen health department or agency in your town? They might have some helpful counselors. Do not be scared off from talking to people at Planned Parenthood, if that is your only/best option. They do not benefit from women getting abortions or try to convince them to do so; they simply provide accurate information and access to that option for people who make that choice. They also provide prenatal care and gynecological services to women who need it, so they are not anti-baby.

Many women have had abortions and gone on to have families, good lives, etc. You know your own heart, however, and that's what matters. I don't know if I could have had an abortion myself, and I am grateful I never did face a situation with an unwanted pregnancy, however I think it's really important for a person to do what she needs without outsiders imposing their agendas on them.

It is almost certain that you are NOT ready to be a mother, especially since your relationship with the baby's father is shaky. I watched a student who was a COLLEGE senior struggle with having a baby before her senior year, and it was really hard. You are way too young to do that. I also don't think you should expect your mother to raise the baby. She said it is your decision, however since she didn't push for you to have the child and volunteer to help, you probably should assume she would rather not be the one to raise him/her. Adoption sounds like a good option (assuming you don't decide to terminate), and you will want to work with a local organization to get it set up. Maybe they can help you with prenatal care? There are lots of possibilities now, not just 'giving up' the baby without any contact ever again.

Wishing you good luck with the decision and the future!

I am sorry you have to go through this. You have to do what is right for you. If that is having an abortion, then you do not need to feel like a monster. Do not let people make you feel bad about any decision you make. They are not in your shoes and they do not have to deal with anything. Good luck. Do what is best for you at this time.

I'm sure you have gotten many different answers on this. I really appreciate you thinking through this to do what you think is right. I think that you should think about what you will feel five or ten years from now. If you abort the child, will you be very sad when you remember him or her? If you provide the child life and send them to a family, you should try to make sure that it is through the right agency that will give him or her to a really good family. Will that make you said, too, or would it be a better choice? Being pregnant is difficult - especially in High School, so you would be sacrificing to do this. Just think about it. Think ahead when your life is more settled and think what you should do. Thanks, again, for trying to do the right thing... :)