Potty Training Resistance

Hi S.,

My advice to you would be this. When she does these things in her panties, or even the pull up make her change herself, and make her wash out her panties in the toilet. I know this works because I had to do this with my girls and my usbands parents had to do this with him. Give it a try and let me know what happens. My personal email is ____@____.com

It is time to get really strict with your child. Since she knows what she is doing and all the functions associated with it she is in "control" of the situtation. Time to put away the pull-ups and go with the straight cotton training pants. I would stop taking her every hour to the potty but I would remind her and tell her she must take herself. If she has an accident, so be it. Clean up the mess and continue with life. Of course, I would tell the child in a no nonsense voice that messes are not tolerated. If she is having accidents while sleeping, you might want to limit the amount of fluids given after 6pm and wake her up from her nap so that she doesn't have an accident. Once my children discovered that I was in charge, they quickly made the adjustment and had no more accidents unless they were ill.

S.,
My experience with it was a huge blur and I believe I just happened to get through it by maricle. My daughter was six months old and all I remember was my son at 3 1/2 pooping his pants and constant cleanup. That was also cause I did take the pull ups away period. Only at night but then I realized every morning they were dry so I took them then. He knew what he was doing when he would go in his underwear and eventually I realized it was out and out defiance. The advice Im going to give you is not how to do it cause every child is different but how to handle your emotions. It is a very thin line that you walk because according to all the books and advice you could potentially cause long term emotional damage to them. That is where I walked around constantly confused on how to handle it. The bottom line is if you know it is out and out defience then you dicipline. I wouldnt remind her and once she realizes that and starts going on her own she might regress again. Also pooping takes effort and thought so its hard to call it an accident once they know how to go in the potty. Unless she has a tummache or something. Im not saying pullups are bad but cut them out to excect maybe at night. Dont remind her or take her to go. Reward her when she goes and offer her a big reward to staying dry for a week. When she goes in her pants figure out a proper dicipline for it (when you know that it wasnt an accident and she can go) and just remember that you are not emotionally damaging your child if you know she can go and she purposly didnt. Eventually the power struggle will let up and she will realize that she isnt getting the attention she wants for it. Also try not to get angry or frustrated where she can see it. Stay as unresponsive other then to let her know whatever dicipline she will be recieving. Hope that helps a little.

S.,
I just want you to know that you are not alone. I have been having the same problem with my daughter who is turning 4 in 2 months. I am SO FRUSTERATED as well, but i keep trying. All the advice I can offer to you is that eventually they all get potty trained and tell you that you are not alone. Contact me anytime if you need to chat, bounce ideas around or vent!

G.

Stop making her go potty every couple of hours. My guess would be because you have her go so often that she has never experienced the sense of urgency and the sence to have to pee. She may not tell you because she really does not know what it feels like. I swear my daughter was a camel at that age. She only went potty about every 6 hours.
Good Luck!

I don't think 3 year olds go poop in their sleep without knowing. I'm sorry I just don't think that happens it takes quite the effort to poop. My 10mo.old doesn't poop in her sleep, she may poop in her crib but she is fully awake because it takes effort to do.

I would put underpants on her and heck with the pullups. I hate pullups it's just a convienant excuse for them to not use to the potty.She needs to feel the uncomfortableness when she goes on herself. So put underpants on her. Don't ride her about having to go potty every 5min., just a simple reminder every once in a while prehaps. When she wets or poops herself you make her 100% responsible for her mess. You supervise but she cleans it up, she takes her soiled laundry to the washer, she changes into new clothes. She takes responsibility for her actions and by 3yrs.old she certainly can do this. Put a sheet protector or plastic on her bed and again put her to bed in underpants. When she makes a mess she has to take the sheets off etc. She has to clean up. After all the work involved she will soon see it's just that much easier to use the potty. This is not mean, it's not a punishment it's teaching your child to be independant and responsible for their actions. I wouldn't use this approach with a new potty trainer but I think your daughter is well overdue.

I have a 7yr.old who use to have an occasional accident or leakage I'd call it when she was to busy playing or what not and she knows I don't even want to know about it, she had to take care of the matter all by herself with no help from me. She had to change into new clothing and put her soiled clothing in the laundry room. Using this method also insures they aren't doing it for attention because she didn't get any attention from me. My daughter started training at 15mos. and was quite the stubborn little girl I've been ther done that and I have alot of anxiety about training my second daughter who's only 10mos. now Potty training stinks what worked for me was when my daughter was 2.5 we made a competition out of it at daycare she and the other potty trainers would fight over the bathroom who go to go first, and I continued it at home and would race her to the bathroom of course always letting her win. I told her she wasn't going to preschool if she didn't learn because for the simple fact you have to be. Then after she had it down I made her responsible for her accidents.

Okay this might sound a little weird. but what if you start training your 18 month old how to go potty in the chair now. Because the older one will want to do what the younger one is doing and she might feel a little embarassed that her younger sibling has it down before she does. My guess is your older one feels like the younger one is getting more attention then she is and thats why she's having accidents still? Create little rewards when they go potty in the chair or when they wake up and they are totally dry. 5 more min of outside playtime or tv or reward them with a family game night.

Both of my kids (boy and girl) were somewhat difficult to train. If it becomes a power struggle, you will always lose this one as it's the one thing kids can really control for themselves. That means they have to want to be trained before it's really going to work.

We too had to get out of diapers/pull-ups in order to attend pre-school and here's what worked for us: My son had attended a pre-school "summer camp" and really enjoyed it - so he understood what school was, and knew that he wanted to be there. If your daughter doesn't have a good idea of what school will be like, or is a little afraid of it then this may not work.

The school's requirement was that the kids wear underwear... while they're in school. If the kids put on a pull-up as soon as they got home, that was ok. They just couldn't wear them to school. We instituted a daily "Jean Lyle Time" in our house. (that's the name of the school.) Every day from 1:00 until 3:30 he had to take off the pull-up. He could wear underwear or go naked, but no pull-ups, and if he needed to pee during that time then he had to use the toilet. He could handle that, and he understood he had to do it if he wanted to go to school. It also didn't make him give up the pull-ups cold turkey.

I'd encourage you to get her trained enough for school and then relax on the rest. Once she has a little peer pressure the rest of the training should come more easily, and if you're able to remove some of the stress and take the power struggle out of it you'll both be more successful.

I just potty trained my son this weekend, we had tried it before but it just never took and he always refused, very dramatically, to sit on the potty. So I finally decided that this past weekend was the weekend and there would be no turning back no matter what. He turned 3 in May also. He did surprisingly well so far.

The day started out with 4 accidents in 20 minutes then someone suggested putting him on the potty every 5 minutes and making him (forcing if need be) sit for 5 minutes and eventually he would figure out it is much easier to just go when they have to rather then wasting the day on the potty. I think that makes a lot of sense. My son got it on the second time and hasn’t had an accident since. I still put pull-ups on him at naptime and bedtime for now (I call them nighttime underwear so as to not refer to them as diapers), but so far he has been dry after nap, still wets at night. But we can work on that after he gets the rest of the time down pat.

We also give rewards – he loves m&m’s, so he gets 1 for sitting on the potty, 2 for peeing, and 3 for pooping. He also gets to put a sticker on his chart. We also make a huge deal EVERY time he goes pee or poo on the potty; he has gotten lots of surprises. He enjoys the praise and has wanted to sit on the potty every five minutes (I’m guessing it’s more for the m&m’s, but that’s ok for now, its helping him get used to it.) Oh, and we also put a cheerio in the toilet and tell him to try to sink it , he gets a big kick out of that.

You might want to try talking to a child behaviorist also; they may be able to give you some insight on her behavior towards it. We did that about trying to get our son to sleep in his own bed and we also asked about potty training, she was the one who suggested that we would just have to do it one day and not turn back (but she did suggest waiting until he was 3-1/2).

Good luck and I hope you get some answers that work.

It is not unusual, in my experience, for potty training to go on for a year or more. And most 3 year-olds do NOT tell you when they have to go. You will need to tell her/ask her to go regularly until she starts recognizing the need. At this stage, every 2 hours may be too often, though. Kids can go longer between visits than we can. The frequency of your request to go potty may be frustrating her, too.

I would send her to preschool in a month. It's very possible she will do better there than she does at home. The new environment, experienced teacher, and other kids could be a good influence on her habits. At home, she may be reacting to your frustration level. Do your best to be calm about this.

It's also very common for kids to wear pullups to bed for several years after they are trained during the day. This is not something they or you can control. It depends on their body's development.

I too am going thru very same thing as I type. I have 2 1/2 yr old twin girls and babysit my also 2 1/2 yr old neice - all potty training. My neice is unbelievably stubborn in that she only interacts with me when she wants to - wont respond to questions and still, after a couple of months of training will not tell me when she has to go. I finally told her mom that I felt she needed to go back to pullups until she could verbally tell me that she had to go. She had no problems playing in wet and poopy underwear and after a few "tests" I felt she wasnt really ready. She knew what to do, where to go and was so excited when my girls went - knew that treats were involved and got so upset when she wasnt getting any but still, she soiled herself time after time. Her mom was ready to give up - I suggested we put her back in pullups for couple weeks and have just now (this week) started back in underwear. I have to tell her to go every 20-25 min or so and she still wont tell me when she has to go which is frustrating but I agree with another response you received in that I now make her responsible for cleaning up after herself. Even the poop - she turns her underwear inside out and drops it in the toilet (to show her that that is where it needs to go) and gets in the tub. I give her a couple washcloths and let the water run slightly warm and tell her to "clean it up". If I didnt feel she knew the whole what/when/how...no way would i make her clean herself, but she clearly knows whats what and with a 4 month old in the house along with 5 other kids...I dont have the time to bath her everyday - twice yesterday for example.

A little about me...SAHM of four - 7, 5, and my girls 2. This isn't my first rodeo and my methods probably arent the best but have worked for me so far. When my son turned 3 I had had enough of poopy underwear and when my sister suggested the clean it up yourself approach I was in shock and leery of trying it but so glad i did!! He had just 2 accidents after and cleaned up both by himself and has been trained since. I really dont care for pullups but with my girls they choose for now whether they wear "real"/"big girl" or a pullup - its still early. I try to let them call the shots when appropriate to help them feel "big" but importantly - I dont treat either any different, its just as important to keep their pullup dry as their underwear. Right now, for them, they seem to have a better sense of security in pullups and go just the same with the same sense of urgency - its all in the teaching and in your attitude so dont let people tell you pullups are BAD....GOOD LUCK!!

One thing that finally got my then 2.5 year old to go in the potty was offering her stickers. She got to pick out one sicker for #1 and 2 for #2. She loves stickers so that worked for her. Maybe there's something that motivates your little one?

My oldest (now 8) was calmly vocal about his desire not to potty train. We brought in the potty chair, the books, the dvds, the pull-ups and the big boy undies. He considered each and then told us "no thanks". He finally decided on his own exactly 4 months after he turned 3 and went accident free from there.

So, it sounds like YOU have been potty training for 1+ years but your daughter has not. Either give in to continuing as you have been, or put her back in diapers, or put her into big girl undies and be prepared for a spell of accidents (which of course, she will help clean up). Rest assured whatever you do, your daughter will not go to kindergarten in pull-ups. In the meantime, take the route of least resitance and frustration for you both.

My suggestion is to put her back in diapers. Honestly, its not worth the fight. It starts to be a power struggle and you will lose since they can control the bladder. I would probably take away any items she got for being a "big girl" and tell her she can't use them until she decides to be one.

My son turned 3 in March and he had no desire to be potty trained until about June. Once he moved to a pre-school room and figured out that all his friends were potty trained, he wanted to be like them.