M.P.
When you say he uses the toilet appropriately away from home I think that the fact that he does not do so at home is related to what is going on at home. He is potty trained. He's acting out some emotional issue.
Smearing feces and peeing on the floor, if done on purpose, sounds like the expression of anger to me. Since your youngest is 16 months old I'd guess that it's not related to his presence. Unless he still perceives that the baby took his place or that he gets more attention, or is loved more or some such thing.
Could it be that your want him to be "potty trained" so badly that you're putting pressure on him that he can't handle. I'd definitely stop asking him why. He's 4. He doesn't know why. I'd try just completely ignoring the issue. I'd perhaps put him in pull ups and not even react to "accidents". Or leave him in big boy pants and also not pay much attention to whether he goes or not. Just impersonally get him cleaned up. That removes the power struggle and takes the pressure off of both of you.
And give him lots of attention unrelated to his potty habits. Not using the toilet and making messes could be a way of getting your attention. YOu've probably heard of the statement "negative attention is better than no attention." You might think that you're giving him enough attention but he might not feel that you do. Or he might be acting out so much that most of your attention is negative. It becomes a vicious cycle.
Saying he can only have one pair of clean pants and making a mess takes away things or pleasant activities only aggravates the situation. It's giving a negative response to a negative action which results in more negative responses. Another vicious cycle of negativity. It reinforces the idea that he's a bad boy. Bad boys live up to their image.
Here's a somewhat related example. My 6 yo granddaugter is having difficulty with talking too much at school. Her mother often describes her, in her presence, as a "chatterbox who can't stop talking." My daughter was saying this in a playful tone. My granddaughter told me in tears that "mama says I can't stop talking" when I suggested that if she learned how to stop talking she could stop being in trouble. She thought that she actually couldn't stop talking. After all her mother said so.
These kids' brains haven't developed the ability to understand abstract ideas. They take everything we say in a very concrete way. It's my guess that your son feels that he's a bad boy, even if it isn't your intent to make him feel badly about himself. Bad boys poop in their pants and so he's going to continue pooping in his pants. That is who he is.
Potty training can be so tough. It'll help if you can relax about it. And being relaxed is one of the, if not the most, difficult parts of it.
When you say you want the baby trained early I'm thinking that you think that you can train a child on your schedule. A baby cannot be trained until their body is mature enough to be trained and that is at a different time for each baby. And this makes me think that the issue with your son is one of control or a power struggle. You are going to make him use the toilet. He's going to show you that you can't make him do it. This is not a concious idea on his part. The classic power struggle. And if the parent participates in the struggle the kid always wins. I think that you are seeing that now. He is winning. You cannot make him use the toilet. Only he has control of his bodily functions. And he can show his anger by peeing on your floor.
You have my wishes for a better time of it.
