PLEASE HELP. Young Children and Grieving for a Grandparent.

funerals seem to be healing because we cry, laugh, and talk about the good times. Have plenty of good food, healthy, have fun, and talk about the funny and happy stories. And if you cry, or you all cry, it's good and part of healing.

A.,
My main advise: Allow yourself to be completely honest about how you are feeling in the moment. When it feels comfortable to share your grief with your brothers do so. When you feel that you get to be alone, create a way to do this also. Allow your brothers to express their grief in whatever way works for them. Don't expect everyone to have the same way of expressing grief. You may wish to have a small memorial about your grandmother with your brothers. It is important to address any emotions that you or your brothers are having.
With my whole heart,
C. TLC (Transition Life Coach)

You said it...maintain your/ their schedules. They will find comfort in the predictable while mom and dad are gone. As for the grieving, allow them to express them selves in a safe way. Talk about how grandma is no longer sick. Talk about (if you are religous) turn to your faith. Let their teachers know what is going on incase they act out at school. They are old enough to understand death and will learn good coping skills. Remember to talk to your parents about how to deal with this... they are their kids.

Bless you for taking on your family in this time of need.

Talk about grandma and what specific things she did that were important to them. Take a time and create a memory book or picture or something that will honor grandma with all she did for you guys. Make sure there are funny stories too that will make you laugh. When my grandpa died it was hard, but we all sat around and talked about how wonderful he was and that seemed to make things easier to handle. That way the kids will not feel left out, and they will be able to express how they feel, without stressing.

It is totally okay to allow your family even kids see you cry. It is normal and healthy.
You need to find out to what degree your brothers are aware of the situation, let them know it is okay to grieve and be sad too. There sounds like there will be a lot going on and it will be tough but kids especially have a way of getting it all out and just wanting things to return to normal. Allowing yourself to grieve is the best thing you can do, you can comfort them most by letting them know you feel the same way. Don't worry about their expectations and just handle each issue as it arises. It may be harder, it may be easier then you can envision. Just take it a step at a time.
I am so very sorry for your loss and the hardship you all are going through. You are in my prayers and bless you all.

I think it's important for you and for those you will be caring for to experience the sadness and grief of losing your grandmother. I think that if you try to be "strong" for your brothers, ultimately, you will suffer from not fulling experiencing your sadness and they will suffer from not learning that grief is part of life. I suggest sharing with them your sadness and your feelings of loss. You have an opportunity to model for them healthy grieving. Share memories and stories about your grandmother. Remind them that remembering her in their hearts and within your family and friends will keep her present in their lives.
I am sorry for your loss. It won't be easy.
Best wishes,
Jen

A.- I'm sorry to hear that you are going thru this...I do have a little advice. It may sound simple but, here it goes:

take one day at a time, gather the troops and ask for their help with as much as they can do, keep it lite-hearted and just do your best! Try not to stress that will only make it worse.
Good luck and best wishes-H.

We are in the same spot with a 3 and 4.5 year old...and my nephews from 3 to 10 years. What works for us is being very honest about the cycle of life. You mentioned the farm...use that. We visit a farm regularly and have seen births and deaths there. We also do a lot of "science" with plants and bugs. Get books on the cycle of life. I have a set of 12 called Life Cycles. by David Schwrtz (ISBN ###-###-####). They are simple for preschoolers and we have read them from 1.5 years on up. So whe we visit grandmother in the hospital, we are honest and say she is very sick, she is going to fall away into her place in heaven soon, and she will always be with us in our hearts. Our job mnow is to care and fill up her "love bucket" so that when she goes, she is happy and at peace. We also talk about the babies being born and stuff as we go to the hospital so that they have the association that there is deth but also life. This has worked well for us and I have seen friends who have "covered up" death and then when it happens, it is hard for the child. They do not understand why you are sad. So allow them the knowledge to help you out. Let them know exactly how you feel and that death is part of life...not to be be feared.

And, for you. REalize that the death is only a body. BNodies age the day they are born. Let go of the body, the form, and hold tight to the memory of the soul of your grandparents in your heart. When you are working on the farm, smile at the memory of grandpa brushing the horses (or whatever). And know too, that the body/form is tired and hurts in those last years. It is a relief to be free and move on to another plane.

Dear A.,
Free Spirit Publishing has a number of excellent books for young kids dealing with a death. My son found "What on Earth do you do when someone dies?" by Trevor Romain to be very comforting when he was 7 and his 18 year old cousin died very suddenly. He would go back and reread a chapter or two every few months for about a year, whenever he felt sad. The website is www.freespirit.com .

Most important is to allow yourself and the other kids to be sad when you need to be and to talk about your grandmother as much as you all want to. Remember the good times you have shared and talk about your memories of her.

take care, S.

It sounds like you will not be able to attend the funeral, and neither will your siblings. Funerals are really just a way for the family to say good-bye to the loved one. If you can't be there, you and your siblings need another way to say goodbye to Grandma. How much depends on how close you were. Maybe you can set aside an hour or 2 one day for all of you to share stories you remember about grandma (younger kids may not remember so much, but your stories and other siblings' might help them too). Maybe you can even make a collection of stories, poems, and pictures about grandma with all the kids.

In general, though, do try to maintain schedules. And it is soooo OK for them to see you cry. It gives them permission to grieve as well.

A.,

First I'd like to say how very sorry I am for your situation. I lost my Dad three years ago and know the pain very well. Each one of us will grieve in our own way. There really is no right or wrong. IF you can grab a few minutes, try to journal so that you can get your emotions out. As far as the kids go, just make sure to let them know you are there for them and it's ok to talk/cry about it all. For my kids, I got balloons filled with helium and let them write notes to Grandpa and tied it to the string to send to Heaven. In the end just be there for each other....

Judi's House in Denver helps children who have lost someone close to them (parent, grandparent, sibling) to grieve. They have a list of resources on their site to help you: http://www.judishouse.org/resources--including all kinds of age appropriate information. Just remember to include them as much as possible and recognize that they will grieve differently from an adult. Let them feel and ask questions. If they want to be mad at God or Grandma, let them. Hang in there and remember there are many people around you who can help you get through this. All the best.

First of all, don't feel that you have to keep from crying. Of course you need to help your siblings through it as well but don't deny yourself the chance to grieve. Also, let your siblings know that it is okay to cry. When my grandma passed away about 3 years ago, I tried to do just that. As long as I was alone, without my daughter around, I was okay to cry but as long as she was there, I felt that I couldn't. She was the one that told me, "mommy, just because I am not crying, doesn't mean I'm not sad and if you want to cry, its okay." Of course that really brought out the water works for me. She never cried (where I could see or hear) until about 2 yrs ago. We were in church and the song we sang was my grandma's favorite. I knew that but didn't really think anything about it..My daughter starting crying uncontrollably. Poor little thing, held it in for so long. A couple of years before that, my great-grandmother passed away, when my daughter was told, she cried for what seemed like forever. When I asked her why the difference in her emotions, she said, " I had 5 yrs to get to know my grandma....grandmother, I didn't know and now I never will." I was shocked to say the least. I NEVER thought if it that way at all. My point, is remember all of the good times that your family had with your grandmother. Let each of the children, talk about a favorite memory about her. Try to keep up their schedule but allow for times of sadness and be prepared for each of them to deal with things in their own way and time. ALSO, don't be afraid to ask for help. Remember, along with caring for them and your son, you need to take care of yourself as well. If someone offers to make dinner or take the kids to the park or something, take them up on it. Alot of time, people want to help but they don't know what to say or do.

I'm so sorry for your loss. My mom died very suddenly (at age 57) not long ago. One thing we did was find a way to pay tribute to her. Find something she loved, and do something around that. For my mom, she was a real patriot, and so we installed a flagpole at her/my dad's house. The kids all put handprints around the base. ALso, she was always reaching out and serving others. So every year on her birthday, we have a "Service Week" in her memory. Everyone who was close to her is supposed to do something extra that week for someone else. Following that idea, for my friend who lost twins 30 days after birth, we held a children's book drive on their first birthday, and donated them to a reading charity. Find some positive things that smaller children can do to memorialize your grandma and what she meant to you.

Having lost my mom, and feeling overwhelmed on many levels, please ASK for help. Friends, church members, co=workers, parents of your siblings friends, etc. People want to reach out, but don't know how. Given your ranch/carpool/dinner/mothering responsibilities, you could easily get a list of specific things that people can really do to help you. And I think they will want to! My mom was part-way through finishing a patchwork quilt for my youngest brother (18) and a red dress for her oldest granddaughter (who was 6). I asked our LDS ward (church) for help on these things and the women were anxious to help. WE now have these beautiful treasures that remind us not only of our mom, but compassionate, loving friends. Use your network, and someday, you will be able to do the same for someone else. Love, from a mom/daughter who has been there.

A.,
You don't have to do this alone. If you have some friends that live close enlist their help!! That what friends are for!! Trust me they will appreciate the opportunity to be of assistance to you! And remember the house will still be messy tomorrow!!! Focus on what is really important and that's your feeling and your brothers! Try not to do everything! Takes things one minute at a time!!
You are in my prayers, and the best of luck to you and your family!!
C.

A.~

I'm sorry for the loss. I was super close with my grandmother and I know how hard it is...it's been three years and sometimes I still miss her so much. :(

Like the others said...ASK FOR HELP! Enlist friends, coworkers, other moms you know...don't stress about the little stuff, your gonna make mistakes, the dishes and laundry are going to pile up...maybe ask your brothers for help too. Even though they are young it might help them to be able to help you too; if they feel useful, in control of something while their life is in upheaval. They can feed and water animals, do dishes, vacuum, etc.

Lastly, make sure you take time to grieve, take time for yourself (especially when you feel like you can't or don't have time too). Take a hot bath and breathe! You are an amazing woman and you can do this!