Please Help Me Get Rid of Anger

I don't think you're out of line. Mothers (moms and wives) do, do, do and then DO some more. Men don't.
Hey--my husband made a trip to the jewelry store so does that mean he did a "good" job even if he was a selfish prick for most of Christmas Eve & Christmas Day?
Honestly, a pleasant attitude would have been better appreciated here.
I'm sorry you were so disappointed. I LOVE the idea of a YOU day! ENJOY IT!!!!! (And next year--keep it a tradition, but ADD O. before Christmas as well!)

I just wish I had a boyfriend/husband to buy me things I don't or do want...I'd be perfectly content with that.

L., I have been married for a long time... 23 years. First, guys do not take subtle... sounds like you covered that one with the wish list. Next, the same things are rarely important so communicate communicate communicate... how you feel... sounds like you did that too... now, I would not normally suggest this... BUT... IF THE OTHER TWO DID NOT WORK... pout. Loudly and definitively. BeanieWeenies and pot pies for supper... use all the hot water juwt before HIS shower... for about two weeks. Every chance you get tell other couples IN FRONT OF HIM how much trouble he is in, and you expect him to redeem himself. If you dont make a BIIIGGG DEAL OF IT, neither will he. But if you do, he might do better nexttime just to dodge two weeks of Hell next year...

Hi L. N. I am sorry you are angry. There are many ways to look at the situation and I know you will receive different answers. I want to give you a perspective that has worked for me.

L., if everything else is good, take charge of your own happiness. Go ahead and order the stuff you want or go to the mall with your husband's credit card. be happy and do what makes you happy and don't rely on his presents to make you happy.

Now, if there are other issues in the marriage that is another topic. But if the major disappointment is the lack of thought into presents. It is easily remedied.

have fun shopping.
Jilly

Read "The 5 Love Languages" It sounds like your love language is "gifts," and his is NOT. My husband and I are just the opposite - he gives good gifts and I do not. It's not that I don't WANT to give him a good gift, I honestly seem to go blank when it's time to shop for him - I just can't THINK of what he wants/needs (of course if he gave me a list that would be different). Not only that, but I just don't feel extra special or loved when he gives me gifts - it's nice of him, yes, but to really feel loved I just want a good long hug. That's because my love language is "touch." To really make this book work you both have to read it and implement it. Good luck!

I think it's hurt, not anger. I also think you have very high demands for yourself in terms of the thought and effort you put into things, and you expect everyone to do the same. I would too - and I've been disappointed by others as well.

I think he may be resisting the wish list because you're telling him what to do. He tries to think outside the box but can't, so he just gets you whatever is out on the first displays he comes to. He thinks he is being original. He says "It's the thought that counts" but to you, he is putting no thought into it. In many ways, he isn't - he goes at the last minute (although he probably thinks he's ahead of the game by going Tuesday instead of Friday), and flies through a bunch of stores he's not familiar with, grabbing stuff that is put out just for people like him.

I think you let him off the hook for everyone else but doing all the work - instead, next year take him with you to help find things for his side of the family He will learn how to evaluate people's taste and make choices for them. If you do all the work and let him know how much effort you put into it, he not only gets let off the hook but feels that your standards are so high that he can never meet them. If he feels he could spend 8 hours and still disappoint you, then he might just as well spend 20 minutes and disappoint you, you know?

It would be nice if he were to help the kids get something for you - he takes them to the store and they pick something out from your list. And they wrap it together. If you are doing all the lists, all the gifts for the kids (that he puts his name on), all the shopping, all the wrapping, all the decorating, and then you are sitting there Christmas morning virtually empty-handed because no one did anything for you, you are actually allowing them to continue to be self-centered. Don't enable them. Everyone participates, or you scale back. Otherwise, the true meaning of Christmas is being lost, no? You have to refuse to participate in something that makes you unhappy and which sends the wrong message to everyone else.

You could also agree not to give gifts to each other. If that's not fine with him, then he'll figure out that he has to fish or cut bait. If it IS fine with him, then why are you killing yourself here? You can do what the other post suggested - agree on some theater tickets or a museum membership for the family, or a weekend away just the two of you. Any joint gift that you would enjoy together might give you both a lot more pleasure than the current system.

Oh sweety, do not have anger towards him. You must realize, men do not think the same as us and never will. Most of them are completely clueless. The more we get angry and frustrated with them, the more they will shut down.

I no longer do a "wish list" instead I give him the 3 things he need to find (many times, I write down the actual stores that they can be found at) and while he is getting those, he is "encouraged" to get other things for me.

What will also help is that as the kids get older, you can tell and show them what you want. They will guide him.. My daughter is a great resorce and help to my husband about these things..

Come to the realization he is NEVER going to change. It is just not there.. Do not set him up for failure and he will not disappoint..

Also I purchase things for myself, I wrap them and say that the "cat" or "Santa" gave it to me.. I gave my husband gift cards to restaurants I want to eat at. When my mother asked what to purchase my husband I suggested tickets to see David Sedaris in the spring when he appears here in Austin! She gave us a pair of these tickets and my husband was as thrilled as I am..

Let it go and go to the sales and find what you really want. He is who he is and you can just laugh about this later.. At least you have 2 nail sets you can sell on Craigslist and use the money for a treat for yourself..

Really, do you measure your husbands love for you by the stuff he buys you for the holidays? That strikes me as sad.

If this is the only thing he did to "mess up", I think you should count your blessings. To get rid of your anger I would say start by going the many things that he does right in your relationship and then take a moment to look at yourself in the mirror and ask yourself if you are really want be upset over what you got, or didn't get for Christmas. Not to be offensive, but that strikes me as immature and shallow.

If this is not the only thing he's doing to "mess up" I suggest you get some marriage counseling going.

Good luck.

At first I felt angry when I read your post. I know this must of hurt, but then I read Laurie A.'s response and I really liked it. Not all men are this way, but yours is. Guide him as much as you can. Ask him (and set up a date for him) to take the kids shopping for you. You should get something from your kids too.....anything. Just to teach them.

Is your husband in general a good husband? Does he love you, treasure you, etc.... If the answer is yes then change your tact. Do as Laurie suggested. start taking care of yourself in regard to gifts, and love your man for the good things.

L., L., L.. How do I tell you this. First, to answer your question, yes, you are off/out of line. Your husband tried his best and he DID get you presents! Your expectations of him are WAY TOO HIGH. Men are not good at this kind of stuff! He is right - it is the thought that counts. Besides, he told you to go online and order WHATEVER YOU WANT!!! Do you know how many women would LOVE to hear that from their husbands (myself included)??? You are SO LUCKY to be in the financial position you're in and can just whip out your credit card and go online and buy whatever you wannt until your expensive heart with expensive taste is content!!! You said you are 35, but you are behaving like you are a spoiled child. And by the way, I would love to get hot pink sweatpants, and I am almost 39. You are a girl - would an army print sweatpants be better? I think the issue is that he gave you sweatpants all togethter. I love hanging out in comfy sweatpants, and pink is the perfect color for girls and women. Next year, save yourself your unjustified disappointment and just go shopping for yourself and buy what you want so you won't be mad at your sweet, thoughtful husband.

One more thing - my husband bought me a very much needed blender and I was ecstatic!!!! I love making smoothies and haven't been able to for a long time b/c ours broke a while back. I am loving making my yummy smoothies every morning, thanks to my husband.

Some guys just can't do gifts. If your marriage is good in other respects, I wouldn't worry about it. When I was younger, I would let what my husband gave me (or didn't give me) ruin my Christmas. I mean who gets their wife a pen and pencil set? Sigh, so lame. Now, we usually buy a gift for the house instead. For women, who are often the ones responsible for buying all the family gifts, it's all about what their faces look like when they open it. We visualize the person and then through our usually stronger empathy skills, what that person would like to have. Then we'll drive across town, stand in long lines through snow, sleet and rain, bid on ebay, whatever it takes to get The Gift. For men, they don't think about it in advance, they walk in, see something and think yeah, I've seen her do her nails she'll like that. So they have the visual of the gift first..and then the person. Don't let it make you sad if he's otherwise a good guy. Just say thanks, honey, I'm going on line right now! Cheer up and Merry Christmas!

In my experience, men just aren't as thoughtful as women - at least not most. We just think differently. I would never expect my hubby to be as thoughtful in gift giving as me. After of few years of gifts like yours, we decided to stop buying each other Christmas gifts. Instead we get something nice together. One year we got a new bed. The next, we got all new pillows, sheets, comforter, curtains etc for our bedroom and completly redid it. This year (which was alittle over the top and will probably count for a few years) we got a hot-tub! Our relationship is really good in every other way, hubby just gives crappy gifts, so I figure - why waste the money? So, maybe it's not that he doesn't care, it's just that he suffers from man-bad-giftgiving syndrome.

Your feelings are your feelings and you are entitled to have them. How to get rid of the anger? Take a walk, do jumping jacks, go somewhere where you can scream out your frustration. Write it out. Get a notebook, a cup of tea or coffee and write until your hand cramps up. Do not let anyone read it. Destroy it when your done.

I have to ask - has your husband always been like this? When you were dating, was he different? Put thoughts into gifts? Is it only Christmas or does this include birthdays? Does he give thought to other people's gifts?

Is your husband good in other ways? Outside of the gift giving, does he treat you well? Do you feel he loves and respects you? Because maybe this lack of gift-giving ability is just something weird about your husband that you have to accept.

If it isn't, then I feel like there is something going on and you need to talk to him and find out what it is. If he won't go to counseling, then you should go on your own.

Either way, I would take him up on his offer and buy whatever I wanted, which at this point would be a big, expensive multiple diamond ring from a high-end jewelry store.

Honestly, while I understand how you are feeling, I cannot agree with it. My husband and I don't usually buy each other anything for Christmas. Some years it's because it just isn't in the finances, but most of the time it's because that's not what it's about. For me, Christmas is about my son's joy, his presents, celebrating the birth of Christ (sorry if you aren't a Christian, but really, that's what it is about), and being GRATEFUL for what we have. It isn't about what someone got me or how I am benefiting from the situation. When I was little, yes, that is what it was mostly about, but I grew up and realized that Christmas is about so much more than the presents under the tree.

Some men are just no good at gift giving (even with a list). Appreciate the fact that he tried to do something nice for you, and if you are sick of this, then buy your own presents next year so you know you get what you want! I have done this before if there was something I had to have...at least you know you will be happy!

I hope that some day you will look back on this Christmas and appreciate everything that was good about it, and not focus just on the one negative!

Hey...my husband got me Rock em Sock em Robots. OK.
We have a 3 year old. Our apartment is full of toys. We really don't need more. While I wasn't thrilled to have been given a toy, that is more appropriate for a 6 year old, my husband and I did have a great time playing and knocking each others heads off. lol.

Although this was an odd gift for me he remembers me mentioning how much I loved playing this when I was younger.

I'm really sorry that you spent Christmas day in a funk. You guys should set up a babysitter and go have a date night. That might make you feel a little bit better. I know it always helps my husband and I.

Peace.

Some great advice from Diane B. Just for fun I thought I'd share what I received from my husband. A package of 25 liners formy slow cooker. He said it was from him and the kids. And actually it was sweet, it will save time cleaning. And I don't normally purchase them as I could just wash the slow cooker so it was thoughtful. I totally get why your feelings are hurt and I think the ladies here have great advice on how to just take charge of your own happiness.

I think that you think that if your husband doesn't put thought and effort into your gifts, that he does not love you. And you are not really angry, but mainly hurt, so you are turning your hurt feelings into anger. From the outside, I think your anger and sadness are a bit over the top. I mean, lots of women have husbands who love us but buy dumb Christmas gifts. I know a man who absolutely adores his wife and for the first maybe 20 years of their marriage, he didn't get her birthday or anniversary gifts (nothing!). He says he had no idea that it was really that big of a deal. Now he buys her stuff on those days but I don't know if it is stuff she really even likes?

Also, are you really pushy to your husband about buying you nice things, and nagging him? If so, then the things that he bought you may be bacause he is kind of irritated with you for pushing him, so he is rebelling by just grabbing stuff to keep you quiet, but resents being pushed. Men HATE being pushed and nagged and some of them act passive aggressive when their wives do that.

So pick a paragraph above and I am guessing your husband is either clueless that he is hurting you so bad, or he is mad at you for being pushy, doesn't want to say so because that would start a big fight, so got you dumb stuff in a rush.

Sorry for probably not saying what you want to hear.
The first few years, your feelings were fresh.
After that it just becomes part of the game.
You know what he's going to do, and you set yourself up for it.
If you don't play the game you won't feel the anger unless you really enjoy it.
I know a few people who are never happy unless they have something to be unhappy about.
So, for next year as you see something you'd like for Christmas, just get it, wrap it and put it aside for yourself for Christmas morning.
Don't create a problem, just solve it. You'll be happy. He'll be happy.
It'll be a Merry Christmas for everyone.

Guys just don't like shopping, for the most part. Really, let it go. I personally don't care if I get anything, but I got a pretty unfashionable pair of shoes from hubby. He just doesn't get it. And I really don't care.

Your husband's straight - which means he doesn't like shopping. It's normal. Just try to teach your sons, if you have any, to try to buy decent gifts for their wifes to keep their marriages strong.

Meanwhile, let it go, and appreciate the things he does do right. A bunch of stuff he bought at the mall isn't the measure of how much he cares for you.

Just my personal opinion...he tried. He didn't get it right, but he tried. Maybe, he didn't try in the way YOU wanted, but he's not you. He's a man and he doesn't have all expectations of thought, that you do .He is not you. He doesn't think of thing like you, he doesn't put as much pressure on as you, and quite frankly you didn't give him a chance to succeed. Give him some credit. A lot of woman are married to men who wouldn't bother, at all.

I totally know what you're saying. I got nothing on my bday, nothing on my anniversary, nothing on mothers day, so expected nothing this Christmas either. After opening all the presents, he said "yours is at the house (the one we're building). I'll get it for ya in a little bit." Um did he not know that today was Christmas? Well so what did I get? A gun. What every woman wants, eh? HE took it out of the box and admired it after I opened it. Yes it's for me, but give me a break.

Okay - that's my vent. The way I am not staying angry? Well I plan to use some of our Xmas gift money from my parents is to go buy myself the things I wanted (the cookie sheets, the Pandora bead, the digital camera). If he can't read a list or figure out what I like, then I'll just buy it for myself. If he complains about money spent (he's a tight-wad) I can say that these were some Xmas gifts I wanted/needed that I didn't get.

So if I were you, go buy yourself what you wanted. And in the future, if you don't hold any 'expectations' then you won't be dissapointed. (When I thought I was getting nothing, I was a little dissapointed, but not entirely so. I was HOPEING for a surprise, which I guess I got one.)

Good luck. Just don't linger over it any longer. Some guys just can't make an effort, even if you spell it out for them exactly. My husband KNOWS that I wear my Pandora bracelet every day. I have a catalog with the beads I want circled in it, with the beads I already have checked off. It couldn't be any easier, yet he still wont/can't do it. I've just figured that that's what I married, so that's what I get. I spoil myself with Xmas money during the After-Christmas sales.

Are you sure this is really about gifts? It's irrelevant if you should or shouldn't feel hurt because the truth is, you are hurt. Those feelings wouldn't be there if they weren't coming from a legitimate place. And this hurt seems to be related to your husband taking special care for just you...to express his love in a meaningful way.

If you want to 'get rid of' your anger, the first step is finding awareness around where the hurt is coming from and why the hurt requires anger to be it's body guard. Sometimes when hurt feels hopeless, rejected, abandoned and otherwise unacknowledged, it uses anger to find permission to exist.

The second step is figuring out how you might be contributing to the anger and hurt. Are there insecurities in your relationship? Does it seem like your hubby takes you for granted and doesn't celebrate you throughout the year? Does this influence how you feel about yourself or how you view your worth in that relationship? Has this happened in past relationships, maybe even family relationships, and has it ever been resolved?

Not meaning to get too deep but the extent to which you sound hurt isn't fair to you and you probably don't deserve to feel so bad. Finding your own answers is the trick here because you can't control HOW others love you, you can only control how you accept and feel about that love.

Your hubby might just hate shopping and everything that goes with this holiday because maybe he just sucks at gift giving! How is he the rest of the year...at times when there is no special occassion requiring gifts? Is he affectionate and emotionally connected with you? If yes, this probably has less to do with him and more to do with a different source for your anger and hurt. Maybe you were triggered by a past relationship or family member(s) and simply don't know. If your hubby is NOT typically available, then maybe your hurt and anger come from a years worth of waiting for at least one day for him to validate his love for you, something that should be happening more than once a year!

I didn't mean to go too deep with this...just sort of happened as I typed! But getting rid of anger isn't really possible until it is adressed head on and explored. Because anger and hurt are emotions that require nurturing and understanding in order to move forward...otherwise they'll always find time to come out to play again in the future.

I wish you well if you decide to take this journey of discovery! Otherwise, I wish you well with the other mama's insights if they seem more applicable:)

Perhaps you could try to look at the whole gift thing a little differently. My husband works so hard and has long hours. I know he wants to make me happy so when I go out I will buy my own gifts and even wrap them for him. I go home and say "look what you got me, it is exactly what I wanted" I am a person though that does not like surprises... Even good/nice ones. I am very particular and I actually end up feeling sick to my stomach when my husband surprises me because chances are it is something I did not want enough to buy it myself. This year he bought me sheets for our bed for $243! I told him I like high thread count sheets in passing weeks ago but I would never pay that much for sheets! So now when he goes out shopping I tell him to make sure he keeps the receipt. Luckily, he just laughs and does not take it personally that I don't always love his gifts.
If I were you I would take your husband up on his suggestion and buy whatever I would like, wrap it up and say thank you so much it is the perfect gift or wow honey you should not have spent so much on me. Lol.
One thing I know is that guys are not mind readers and don't take well to hints. If I want or need something I tell my husband. For example I may go sit on his lap and say "were you just thinking how much you love me and how lucky you are to have me??". Even though at the time he was reading his kindle and was not even aware I was in the same room.
To your point though I am not sure why he wouldn't buy off of your list but at the same time I am not sure why you just didn't pick up what you wanted when you saw it.
Best of luck to you and remember you control your own happiness. Happiness is a choice.

give him credit in his mind he tried in yours he didnt.mens minds dont function the same as womens. I dont think he meant any disrespect. and knowing men he forgot or lost the list :)

if it makes you feel any better I got my other half a charlie brown christmas tree for christmas. he thought it was funny and yes I could have come up with diffrent ideas but this one just fit him to a tee. he is like charlie brown no luck at all :)

I guess my first question would be IS he a good husband in other ways? If the answer is yes then I would say let it go most men have no clue what makes us tick lol!!. My husband is a wonderful man in so many ways. Is he something from a romance novel NO does he always know the right things to say NO, but he has never ever once let me down when it counts. He is a patient, caring, and wonderful man, but shopping is just not his thing. I think we go to the mall together maybe once a year and I pretty much buy nothing lol because he hates it so much. My daughter who is now 21 and my son who is 25 (who pretty much just goes for the ride lol) does all of the Christmas shopping when it comes to my gifts. Most men pretty much need specific instructions when it comes to gift giving and shopping. If the gifts mean that much to you then it would seem to me that this is how you are defining his love for you. Which tells me there are other issues in your marriage. Don't let this define his feelings for you because most men would come up short in this department. Not all marriages are like a jewelry commercial. However, if you needs are not being met then that goes deeper then your presents. Try to have a sit down when you are not angry and really express your feelings. Sorry your Christmas wasn't what you wanted.

Have you heard of the 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman? Here's a description of your "language" from the website:

Receiving Gifts
Don’t mistake this love language for materialism; the receiver of gifts thrives on the love, thoughtfulness, and effort behind the gift. If you speak this language, the perfect gift or gesture shows that you are known, you are cared for, and you are prized above whatever was sacrificed to bring the gift to you. A missed birthday, anniversary, or a hasty, thoughtless gift would be disastrous—so would the absence of everyday gestures.

Let him know how you feel if you haven't already, but do it in a loving way and explain to him that this is your "love language."

Some men are like that. My husband was telling me his Dad told his Mom to buy her own gifts every year. Then again he was a jerk. If your hubby wont purchase from your gift list ask him to get you a gift card for the mall. It sucks but at least you wont have to return anything before you shop.

My husband and I are going to go shopping after Christmas for my presents because I am very hard to buy for. I don't need anything, I don't wear jewelry/perfume, and as a mom of a 3.5 year old, I don't have a lot of time for a lot of external stuff. I told him I'd like more of the gift of TIME to do things with (take a class, relax, etc.).

He was stressing before the holiday because he just didn't know what to get me. To me, it's just a day, and I appreciated his honesty and frustration in trying to find something. Plus, he works AND goes to school, so brain power/time/money is stretched to the limit. His honesty made me happy, and actually, I'd rather take advantage of the after christmas sales (NOT TODAY! LOL) and get the same things for less :)

He is equally hard to buy for - I lucked out Christmas eve by finding 3 DVD's of movies that he has seen and liked, but does not own - I bought them cause he's a "commentary" guy - he likes to hear the director's commentaries for movies. WHEW!

I kinda think the smurfette slippers were cute - feminie and funny - he may not be a deep thinker, but that gift may have been intented to a) keep your feet warm (caretaking) and b) make you smile when you wear them.

Holidays are exhausting, there is so much baggage and expectations attached to them, especially the day. Don't let the day mean more than it should - it's just a day.

I'm sorry that your husband did that to you yesterday. I don't know if this is the case but certain people are just not good gift givers and shoppers in general. It's probably in their DNA -- who knows? -- but this is probably who he is and what is always going to be like so to expect him to be more sensitve and thoughtful, and more like you, maybe setting yourself for continual disappointment.

Can I make a suggest that may or may not work for next year? Since your husband may have a problem with shopping in general or with holidays crowds at the mall, maybe what you should do from now on is go onto amazon.com and find exactly what you think would be a great gift for him to give to you and add those items to your wish list. Choose enough items so that he has a selection to pick and choose from and your gifts will be a surprise. If you do this, not only will you get to pick out the items, you will also have the power to specify the color and/or size of the item that you are selecting.

I do know that it would be nice if your husband could just be more spontaneous and intuitively know what gifts would please you. If it makes you feel any better, my husband is an okay gift giver -- he has a few hits and his share of misses -- but, I have to tell you, he has a tendency for giving me electronics for almost all the major holidays because that is something he is interested in and knows something about. I'm always jokingly telling him that he can never divorce me because the t.v., stereo, DVD players, surround sound, laptop, etc. are all mine (separate property gifts). Thank goodness that he appreciates my sense of humor!

I hope you feel better soon.

My husband once said that if I really want to go on a date, I should arrange a sitter, pick a place, make the reservations and tell him when/where. I said "Look at you, you even want me to do your courting for you...tell you what, I'll do my own foreplay and YOU can go to bed alone!" Once he had the nerve to tell me that the only reason he romanced me and bought be flowers when we were dating was because he was trying to get me to marry him. Now he complains about not getting enough sex. My reply: "The only reason I was giving you sex when we were dating was because I was trying to get you to marry me." Guess we are all done with that! If you have a husband that is acting up, show him this post. Because my husband and I are now separated. It's the thoughtlessness that counts and counts against them time and time again. Too many "I forgot" birthdays and anniversaries do add up to a whole lot of nothin! PS Whoever came up with making Santa a man was dead wrong. I am mother Christmas year after year and I make the magic happen for everyone on my list!

I feel you girl, is not about the presents but the meaning on them, I don't know how long you been married,(I been married 3 years , "4 christmas"and now I know what to expect from my DH) but I think that feeling could be some kind of depresion maybe? like I say in my first year of marriage he gets clear with me, he doesn't like christmas party's or to get presents so he always give me the money to go and get wherever I want or we set an amount of money and we go shoppig together...so this was a wall stop the first time but after that its get easy...this year he sorprais me with a beautiful jewelry (he went and choose it with my 7 yo DD)...
Maybe the best thing you can do is talk to him about how your're feeling and try to explain.... remember that man are not like us they don't think or feel the same and I know not all are like that but mine is, if he gets me a present is because he thinks he has to do it not because the emotion or the feeling on it (like on my birhtday).
so good luck! and talk about it don't keep this inside you....

Put aside your hurt and focus instead on a solution for next time. I would suggest that gift giving is an art form and many people do not have this skill. And giving a wish list might feel like a solution but the shopper might feel like it is a "you stink at gift giving so please just get this for me" list. And though this feeling might be off-base and the reaction passive-aggressive, the shopper may purposefully ignore the list and then buy whatever...To sort of say, "you giving me a list bothered me so I purposefully got you something you didn't want."

So...Back to a solution. Maybe next year, tell your DH you would like to NOT exchange gifts. Instead, you would prefer to pool the $$$ you both would have spent and have a get-away the weekend after Christmas. Get a new outfit, go out to dinner, spend the night in a hotel...In other words, give yourselves the gift of time together.

Your feelings are your feelings - don't feel bad about them.

What I would do is get with a good counselor to talk them over, and get to the root cause of why this hurts me. Perhaps there is an underlying, unresolved issue from the past. Or perhaps there is an issue in your marriage. Until you sort through it you will not know, and it will be hard to find peace.

God bless you for the love and care that you show your family. Good luck dealing with this issue.

I felt like this year after year!!! This year was the first year I did not feel unloved and neglected when the gifts were open, and it was because we agreed not to get each other anything!! We had some money, and we talked, and decided that rather than us buying each other generic junk we do not need or want, we would each by our own big gift we could actually use (he got a Kegarator, I got a new couch), and than we got something very small for out stocking to each other (I got him some treats, he got me some scents I use for making bath salts). Getting nothing is way better than getting something someone put no thought into!!

My husband never buys me anything. I never get cards, etc. My 3 year old was concerned I was not going to get anything for xmas this year. When we got to my parent's house to celebrate, she ran to me and told me there were presents with my name on them.

I'm sorry you are so angry.

Hmmmm - my DH of 22 years (against my asking) gave me a Tiffany locket with pictures of my 7 month old so she could be close to my heart -- Yes he is a sweetie, and maybe your DH just does not "get" gifts, but he could use some gift-giving advice. On that point, my DH has given some really "BAD" gifts in the past -- I still stuck with him :) He is a good man. Sometimes it is not about the gifts (and sometimes it is...)

Why don't you just agree not to give gifts anymore? If you want you can each buy yourself $$$ amount of gifts for yourself, and leave it at that. Unfoturnately, men don't read minds or think the way we do on gifts or little things. Spare yourself the agony in the future and just agree not to give gifts.

My husband was never a shopper, still is not a shopper and will never
in the future be a shopper. However, he is the absolute best husband
a woman could ask for and the best Dad and grandfather. I enjoy
watching him open his gifts. Anything he gives me I am thrilled with because I know it came from his heart. He was a NYC Police Officer and
to me that was gift enough. Not an easy job and missed lots of holidays.
Now we agree no gifts to each other because we like to travel, so why
buy things we do not need. We put that money in the travel fund.

Good- sounds like you two had a deep conversation via email and got your feelings across to each other. One of the things you should buy and BOTH read is 'the five languages of love' by Gary Chapman. He talks about how we grow up being shown love by certain ways...and not everyone shows love the same way. The five languages are: gifts, words, acts of service, physical and time together. It sounds like your love language is gifts...and his may be acts of service. If he grew up expressing love one way and thinks he is showing his love to you....but you don't feel love the way he is expressing it....it can lead to similar problems. I hope I am expressing myself clearly! Of course, you can have more than one language...but the bottom line is it will help if you can figure out what the others love language is...and speak it to him/her.

Honestly, WE HAVE TO WALK IN YOUR SHOES TO KNOW HOW BADLY THEY HURT YOUR FEET. (smile). I get it. You had expectations and was disappointed yet again. I have to say, you can't expect from him what he's incapable of giving. So, you have to decide whether it is truly the thought that matters most. Personally, I'd open the gifts, say thank you with a smile as you did and if I were upset he wouldn't have been the wiser. Feeling unappreciated is not a good feeling, especially when you expect a thought to go an extra mile at least once a year, during Christmas. You're not asking for too much. :o)

I'm glad you worked things out. I would point out, though, that he asked for some time alone with you instead of the two of you doing something for the kids, and you turned him down and instead wanted to take the kids ice skating. It sounds like it would make him happy, and would probably be good for your relationship, if you did take some time together to do something without the kids, maybe reconnect a little. Maybe you can go out on a date for New Year's Eve or something.

I hope you can share your feelings with him. Even if he brushes it off now, he'll never (hopefully) make this mistake again.

I am a little late in the game here, but it is about the effort he puts into it to show he cares. He should have taken your wish list and put effort into it. If he doesn't like shopping he needed to just order online or suck it up for a couple hours and do it. There is lots of things us moms don't like to do, but we do it! We have been through counseling and I can't tell you how many times he said, "What are you willing to do? It is about effort, show her you care."

Good luck! Men....