Please Help!!! - Santa Barbara,CA

you're right CPS does become involved when you leave marks on a child. a slap is not life threatening so if and when they show up just discuss it with them.

you don't mention any effort at counseling. for you because you've had to take on this blended family situation; for the kids because they are crying out for help. it is not normal for children to hit each other. there are issues here that need to be explored and addressed.

people either learn to deal with their problems in healthy constructive ways or they keep happening. you need to decide which road you want to take.

you mention another son, do you want him to learn that it's okay to slap people? children behave the way they've learned, it's time to learn new appropriate ways.
ann c

I had a similar situation with my own children a few years back. The psychiatrist told me that every time my son hit his sister I should give her a dollar(or some amount of money). My son didn't like the idea that his sister had money that she could buy treats with and he didn't. I told him that he controls whether or not she gets the money.If he doesn't hit then she didn't get the money. I was sceptical at first but had nothing to lose in trying it out. Believe it or not the hitting stopped.Good luck. I hope this is a useful idea for you.

I empathize with your dilemna but I don't know if not having anything to do with them will help you in the long run.....They are still young and your baby's big brothers. I do hope the counseling helps. I was wondering though, if one of your stepson's is taking medication for ADD, has the other child ever been evaluated, I do not mean to pry, but sometimes children that are agressive like that may too, have a chemical deficiency, just curious. I would find out if, perhaps through your insurance, or church group, or even state provided information, you could find out more about why your other stepson is lashing out like this. Why was CPS even mentioned though, is the behavior that out of hand that your stepson is being physically abused? With all do respect, if it is this out of control, then you do need help. What happens if you restrict the agressive one from his twin, does he lash out and cause physical harm to you or your little one? I know only this, the one that is getting beat up on needs to be protected by the adults in the household, that means you, whether or not you wash your hands of the situation, doesn't matter, you are obligated to protect him. Please tell me you are not waiting for it to happen to your little one before you take control of what's going on. You have to love all your sons, as hard as it may be and as frustrating and helpless as you may sometimes feel, for the sake of your family as a whole, GATHER THE STRENGTH YOU NEED, GET THE SUPPORT YOU DESERVE, YOU KNOW YOU HAVE FRIENDS HERE THAT ARE WILLING TO LEND YOU THE MORALE SUPPORT.

My advice is simple, you look at all the positive that your family consists of and from that reach out and demand support, from where ever necessary to help you help those boys, all of them, it appears the twins need you as much as your little one does, and God is with you, and we're with you, and I'm PRAYING N HOPING YOU ARE GIVEN THE STRENGTH YOU NEED FROM THE UNIVERSE. It brought you here, so know you are not alone, keep reaching out, I'm sure you'll find some answers and some support, some friends along the way.....May your family find the life DREAMS ARE MADE OF! GOOD LUCK!

Dear J.,
You have quite a big job! I congratulate you for worrying about your progress as a mom - and for admitting it. Dr. Dobson always said that if parents worry that they're not doing a good enough job then he knows that they probably are doing a much better job than they think - it's the parents that don't even think about whether they are doing a god job that he worries about! Speaking of Dr. Dobson, he has some great advice on parenting here:
http://www.family.org/parenting/Discipline/
Also, there are some good tips on Discipline when kids fight here:
http://www.gomommygo.com/consequenses.html#chair
I think you are a brave woman!
And you are not alone.
God Bless,
R.

I am so sorry to read this and your summary.
I do feel for you and I know you want to push it all away and you are totally depleted after all this time ... BUT there is hope.
You can pull this together.

Take some time out. Try to think back to when the twins were small. Let yourself sit quietly and breathe long breaths. Focus on years ago - any happy events or loving moments. Remember their innocence and vulnerability.

Then, think generously about any triumphs lately - however small.

They are trying to find their way, just as you are, yet they have none of your maturity, freedom or experience. Just sit with the most positive memories and thoughts of either one of them that you can muster.
Allow yourself to accept things are challenging and you may feel you have failed or been unfairly presurred - BUT remember each day can be new and that you have options. Leaving them and rejecting them both may not be what you really want to choose.
You need TLC yourself and strategies to not just 'cope' but thrive with your chosen family.

It is still possible ;-)

Sit and hold them in your heart / in your thoughts for a while. Make sure you are not interupted! Let your breath be steady and deep.
Ask clearly for spiritual and day to day help to be the support for these lost boys, and not to close your heart for them and cleave only to your own child.

I know it must be very hard, but they are just acting like a nightmare, but are really angels. I am sure of this! Wait and see how they will turn ot and you can look back and be proud.

OK They need a LOT of help right now. U too. Let us know how things go when you get it, you took a whole lot on and that beacause in your Soul, you knew you could do it.

Namaste

A.

I would suggest that you get your step son into anger management and therapy because he sounds like he is a bully and the aggressive behavior is escalating. For your step son with ADD I would put him into karate, not so he can beat his brother up, but it is a sport that helps ADD kids focus and teaches discipline. It will also increase his self-esteem and help him to not become a victim. The family could all possibly benefit from family therapy, having step-kids and a child together can be difficult and you have to be careful not to favor your own.

D. W.

Sound like one of the boys is a bully, he knows his brother is weaker and takes advantage of him. He seems old enough to come home from school and go to his room lay on his bed the rest of the day, no tv, no games , no talking nothing, take away all the toys the games the tv, he earns them back each day he is nice, ( its importnat to reward him for being good also ) the minute either one hits or can't get along, back on the bed and they lose something. I must say though from the tone of your typing sounds like you favor your child, and have no patience for the step boys... chores would be a good thing for them to also have, when they come home from school, depending if they do them a reward of something is nice to offer, then homework, dinner, shower tv bed, not much time to fight.. Don't give up and leave, love love love no more hitting, all your teaching is what there doing is hitting.

Good Luck

I'd say you need to get to the bottom of his anger. He is bullying your other son, and it is affecting him, I promise. You should talk to his teacher, maybe HE is getting bulllied at school. I know kids can be so frustrating. It's best to resolve it before tempers flare. It sounds like the aggressor needs words to express what he's feeling. He's just exploding. Seems like 2 possible roads. One, he's anxious, scared or something, or 2, he really is a bully.
Either way, he needs to learn how to communicate. Before he is aggressive again, there needs to be a dialoge about what to expect when he does it again. Remind him of his choices when he gets mad. 'now you know you are not allowed to hit. He does not deserve to be treated so badly. how would you feel if someone hit you?' 'when you are angry, what else can you do? put yourself in timeout? go run around the backyard to blow off steam? Use your words- I don't like it when you do ...' It will take a couple of times to get him used to it, but ultimately everyone will feel better.
remember, you are his teacher. You set the example.
I tell myself the same thing a lot, because my kids and I fell into some bad habits, and it takes a family to make a family run.
you can do it.

Hi J.,
I am a step mom to four fabulous girls. It has not always been a rose garden though! I also have 3 kids of my own, two of them sons. My youngest son, now 23 years old, had & still has special needs.
I understand your frustration and how we as parents can get pushed to the last raw nerve! If every parent is honest, as you have been, we have all made a mistake in trying to discpline our kids.
It sounds like the twin who is doing the physical stuff to his "more gentle" brother has some sort of anger issue. I would seek counseling out to help him. The whole family should go. I will explain why.
The "bully" twin may be expressing anger at the "victim" twin because with ADD, the "victim" twin may be getting attention or may be getting away with behaviors that the "bully" twin is not allowed to do.
I also think your husband, the father of these twin boys, needs to take a way more active roll in raising. He should be supporting you when you talk about these behaviors. You need to be VERY HONEST with your husband and tell him what you are dealing with and that you feel like leaving.
In counseling, the therapist will watch how you all interact and will talk to about parenting styles and may even suggest parenting classes to guide you with discipline ideas. You can also ask at the boys school if this is happening at school. What do the teachers see. Are the boys in the same class? If not, ask if the "bully" brother seeks out the "victim" brother.
Here's the other idea that works. Put a video camera in their play area. If they share a room, in their room. DO NOT TELL THEM IT IS THERE. You can buy them fairly inexpensive at
Harbor Freight. Then you can hook it up to a tv screen and watch them. Maybe you don't see everything....???
The next thing is,do you think the "bully" has ADD or something? If these twins are identical, it is possible.
Now for the hard part. When you got married to your husband, it was for love and in your vows you made a promise to him.
If you leave, you will deprive your son that you have together, of his daddy. A relationship that is SO VERY IMPORTANT. If you are not abused by this man, than that little part that said "for better or for worse" this is the worse part. Being step-mom to his hurting angry confused sons. I am saying this in care for your heart and your little boy.
I mentioned I am step mom to 4 daughters. I have been their mom for over 10 years. We have had a few bumpy roads, (there's 4 of them! :-0) The hardest part with only one of them was that I was not her mom and she wanted her mom and dad together, not her dad and a stranger. It took so many years to get through that. (Their mom lived out of state and dad was the custodial parent)
Loving care, consistent discipline (restriction, losing privileges, etc.) and the support of her dad AND compassion for her hurt of missing mom, got us through those difficult times.
If you would like to e-mail me or call me to talk about it, that would be fine, J..
I will send you my e-mail privately.
C.

High J.,

I as well am a step-mom of 3 girls and have two boys with my husband. The only thing I could suggest to you would be to seek counseling for all of you. I know there were times that I wish I could just take my boys and leave, but that is not the solution. That would only hurt everyone more. You need to get to he root of the issue. I hope this helps. Hang in there as parenting is never easy.

J. S.

Hi J.! I can just imagine how awful you feel despite the situation. I am now a mom with a 10 year old boy, but 40 years ago, I was the one who was beating up my younger brother at any available opportunity. My brother, younger than me, got alot more attention from my mother (especially) because of having health issues. I cannot describe the pain I felt as a young child seeing my brother receive as much attention as he did while I received so little. It was the pain inside me that made me take it out on him. My mother, like you, began to hit me and call me names. Basically, I wanted and needed some positive loving attention, children do not know how to ask, not just occasionally, but on a consistent basis, if that doesn't happen. Remember, for a child, negative attention is better than no attention at all! It sounds like this is what this young boy is feeling. No doubt he can't help but sense that your son is receiving more love and attention than he does and so does the brother with ADD. The boy doing the hitting is giving you (and the dad) a signal that he needs help. Children, and even some of us big people, don't always have the skills to communicate what they need in effective ways. Please spend some extra quality time with him. Talk to him and tell him he is special too. Remind him of his goodness. I am sure if you find it in your heart to do this, over time, you will be amazed at how the behavior changes. It may be difficult, but it is truly an opportunity for your heart to expand! Get support if you need to. Good luck and good love! Alison

Hi there! I so feel for you... and I understand, so there is no judgement here. Please get some therapy for yourself. You deserve it and as a step parent myself I understand the challenges of raising children who are not biologically your own. There seems to be a cyclical dynamic going on here. 1st you have the trauma of those children going through a divorce (even at such a young age) and the aggressive child continuing to display his anger on his brother (very common) - then the yours and your husband's displeasure of his behavior makes him more aggressive. It is a very hard cycle to break. There also may be underlying factors contributing to his lack of impulse control. I suggest you get some help and also some family counseling - to help yourself and your family become the best that you can be!! Good luck and may peace come soon! J.

Oh you poor thing! I can sympatheise with you. don't feel bad. try to sit down and ask why he is doing this? most likley the child hitting has cooped up anger, later in life he will feel bad for hurting his brother. What is causing this kid to lash out? talk to him. tell then they cannot play with eachother. keep them seperatre & give them seperate activities. seperate rooms. take them to counciling. make him tell you each day how is he feeling? is he mad at you? he is holding something inside. tell him you are sorry and you are there to help and he can tell you anything in the world and you will not get mad. Sometimes kids cant say it, so have him write it. Or draw a picture of it.. something is making him lash out. or have him play with dolls and he is one of the dolls..ask him how the doll is feeling.. etc..

Good morning,

This is very interesting, I have a set of twins and they don't and didn't fight like that. Was the mother using drugs? Sometimes there is a problem if the mother was not taking good care of herself. Why is one twin on ADD medication and not the other. You must realize twins are very close they share alot of things within. What does the father do with this type of behavior? There is something that needs to be done right away. You may need to seek some medical attention for the two boys before someone gets seriously hurt. Goodluck.

Hi! I am also a step mom to a young boy who has exhibited some aggressive behaviors in the past, and I have twin daughters. The dynamic between your step children is clearly causing a lot of stress in your family, but violence is never the way to teach not to be violence--it sounds like you know this already. The disruption of the family by leaving with your other child should be a last resort...the trauma of a split up would disrupt all three of your children's sense of family. Please, immediately, enter counseling with the entire family and work on the issues that are causing your step son to act out this way. Holding Hands is one pediatric therapy group that works with children to control aggressive behavior. I don't believe that CPS will just automatically be called but if you are losing your temper, you need to have professional help to help you deal with the stress. Leaving because you are ashamed of your temper is not going to help anyone. Working through the problem and dealing with the true issues will help both you and your step sons. Please know that even though you are upset, withholding your love, support and parenting from your stepchildren will only cause a huge rift not only between you and them, but also between them and your biological child and undoubtedly between your husband and yourself too. As a stepparent you have assumed a great responsibility, believe me, I know...someone once told me that being a stepparent is the hardest job in the world and it is so true. However we have accepted that mission and as adults it is our responsibility to teach our children, and our stepchildren how to be good, successful individuals. You cannot hold your love captive from a child no matter how difficult they are.... Please do this for your family. If CPS is called and you are in a counseling program this will look very good for you. Also, please look up a program called Breakthrough Parenting, with Dr. Jayne Major. She is wonderful!

It seems like that this was going on for a long time.
you as a family need to get proffesional help ASAP.
I experienced similar situation with my two own boys growing up. We started family counseling when my eldest was around 10-11 years old. The most important thing is not to blame the aggressor, even though his behaviour is not acceptable.
Something is not working and you have to explain to him that you are worry, that this is not good for his brother neither for himself, he must feel terrible. You have to apologize, because you are using the same method/behavior as he does, which is not acceptable either.
Did you ever tell them that you love the three of them, not only your own son?
He is looking for attention and be treated as the big brother (probably the rol he thinks, he deserve).

Get help for yourself, also! This is going out of hand and it will be worsed if you are not getting any professional advise soon.
Good luck!

Hi, Jersy B. My name is O., I'm a mother of 4 beautiful and wonderful kids. My oldest is a girl and she is thirteen, my second one is a boy who is 11, my third one is a boy again who is
8, and my youngest is 5. Your story was exactly myself before. I was totally lost myself. I'm not the type to slap my kids. I usually yelled screamed myself and called them names of the books. I always blamed my husband for everythings, I try to talked to someone about my problems, but they always seems not giving the right answered. My only solution is to call up the Big Man above.. For my understanding, they are my special gifts of all. He granted me with all 4. And why am I complaning now? Though question and is seems unanswered. But the simple answered is to give it up to the Lord and believed me. He will guided you all the way. Thats all the reason why they all acted that way, cause they're kids and they supposed to acted that way. They can fight, jumb, messed the house. Later on they will learned. They will know the differeces between righ and wrong. We all human we all makes mistakes. Just do what you did, walk away.. They are so lucky to have someone to corrected them. But, for us. No one. Seems our lives are so perfect but believed me we all make mistakes. No one is perfect..Try to love them more and let them know, no matter what they did its okay; You can try it for as many as you want, believed it or not, one of this days, you'll look back and smile and you praise yourself "YES I DID IT" is not for others but for yourself. Try to take them to the park or somewhere they can have more space to play with each other and don't forget to join them. I hope i can help! I will pray for you also.
We all needed a hand..
LOVE NEVER END.

You are human. We all mistakes but I'm sure you are so fed up seeing this happen all the time and you just snapped. Almost like "how would you like it if I did it to you". Wasn't the greatest approach but it happened. How does your husband respond to them fighting like this. It almost sounds like he isn't helping witht he discipline if it has continued like this. I understand kids will be kids and this stuff happens but I it could drives us moms crazy too. I was the olny child so I didn't have anyone to fight with I guess. So I do get bothered. I think you and your husband need to sit down and discuss and then with the kids explain to them the consequences and pray that your husband helps you with this and it needs to be addressed. I'm a mother of 2 children and my son just turned 7 a couple of weeks ago and my girl is 8 will be 9 in Aug. but it drives me crazy when they fight and it is my girl that starts it all the time she tries to bully my son and it's like I want to tell him give her a good one to have her back off but we teach them not to be like this but it gets to me especially more days than some. I'm actually taking a class called Freedom for Mothers which is an awesome class and it really helps talking to other women about disciplining and balance in our lives. It's nice to know ywe are not alone out there no matter what stage we are at raising them. Every stage of their life there is always something. Not sure if I was much help but hopefully a little. Take care..Have a blessed day!

Hi J., May I suggest getting an in door sandbox, yes I said yes sand box I knwo it sounds funny but let me tell you it works I know first hand. My 13 1/2 yr old daughter has one and it has helped her and us somuch. You can choose any size container with lid, we use one that is about 1-3 inches tall and about 2-4 feet long but she has room to keep it in her room , then we hit the yard sales and bought all kinds of little toys like soldiers,dinasaurs,hotwheels,princess girly toys there is no right or wrong toy and take your step son with you to pick them out also and that way he feels he has a little more control. And when our daughter starts to get upset we tell her to go play in the box, so she goes in and decorates the box how ever she wants to, again there is no right or wrong way to play with the sandbox. And I have her do that about 5-10 minutes, and now she is much calmer and happier and sometimes just for fun she goes in and plays in her box for fun. I tell ya it works her spych gave me the idea cause they have one also. Leave it up to your step son if he shows anyone but if he does look at it and study it, I did when I first saw my daughter play in her first box at ther psych dr's and I went home and privatly cried because she told her dr why she decorated it the way she did. It is a form of therapy and allows them to act out their feelings wihtout hurting anyone. I got some clean sand at Lowes to put in the box and it is also suggested that if a parent or anyother sibling in the house is having porblems I suggest playing with the sand box also I have a few times when my kids were in school and if I was upset about something I used the box and it does allow you to express yourself wihtout causeing any harm to anyone. I will also pray for you and your blended family. Have a great weekend.

J.:
It would be a real shame to break up a whole family because of one out of control child. You should seek out counseling and parenting classes. You may want to read the book Boundaries or Boundaries with Teens by Townsend. Your stepson needs to learn respect for others but also that he is loved. He obviously has a lot of anger. It is possible for children to change their behavior and it may take a lot of patience on your part but it's not fair to desert children when the going gets tough. You can do it with the help of professionals who can give you the tools you need to get through this trying time. Forgive yourself for losing your temper and apologize to your stepson. It is a good opportunity for you both to discuss the appropriate ways to deal with anger.

Good luck!

Nobody said that it is easy being in a step family. Unfortunatly, this is the choice that you made when you married your current husband. When you make a choice to marry a man who has children already, to accept him, is to accept his children, good or bad. If they were wonderful children, you would not not be in this position. It is not always going to be wonderful. If they were your own children, you would not give up on them as easily as you have given up on these children. Everybody loses control at some point and time in their life, but we can change that and fix it. You are the adult and have control over them. If you don't believe on coporal punishment, there are other things you can do to keep them apart from each other so it doesn't keep happening. But you will also need the support of your husband, because afterall, they are his children. It is all so very sad that this child is trying to get somebody's attention, otherwise, he wouldn't be acting out the way he is. In his mind, both of his parents have already abandoned them, and now you just joined the club in the abandoning arena. I also noticed that you said that your son with your husband is the love of your life. If the child sees that you treat your own son better than them, he will continue acting out his anger and taking it out on his own brother. The child is asking for help and trying to get somebody's attention. This is the only way somebody will pay attention to him. You should try and help these children the best you can with your husband instead of wanting nothing to do with them anymore. Think about it, what if these were your own children? Your not a bad step-parent, you had a moment of weakness and now it is up to you to make the nessary changes. How do think the whole situation makes your husband feel?

I am a 56 yr. old woman that has raised 2 sons of my own and 3 (yes 3) stepsons. The youngest of these was a handful,always fighting with my son. So maybe I can offer a little insight. Your stepsons life was torn apart when his family was. He is probably angree and takes it out on the younger bother because he can. Hitting him was probably the worst thing you could have done because it validated his anger.It sounds to me that this kid needs LOVE . He needs to build trust with adults and he needs to feel safe to combat the anger he has. Love is not an easy thing to give when some one is being mean and disrupting your home but it works. Explain to him that you know how he feels and that you and his Dad love him. Talk to him about his MOM and that it not his fault. Only adress his issues not his bothers. The problem is not him hitting his bother the problem is his anger. That really needs to be address and should have been a long time before 12. Do not give up on the child because he will end up taking that anger out somewher else. Raising step kids is a very hard thing to do . When you decided to take this on I'm sure you had no idea. I am happy to say my step sons are 44,43,41 now and we have a great relationship .I also have 11 grandkids from them which I enjoy so much. Most of all don't fight with your husband over it . It will distroy your marriage. Go to lunch and bash him when you feel that way then go home and love him . It works. I've been maried 34 yrs. Hope this hepled goog Luck.
Aunt C.

First, it seems to me like you need to step back and really think of what it is you want in your life. I read the what's happening now, and you said you've turned all discipline for them over to their father. If you want any respect from these children, you need to also be a disciplinary. I am a facilitator, and I teach parenting classes. I am also a professional monitor. I think you have a short temper, and I am not saying this in a bad way, but I also think Anger management classes would benefit you. (I teach those as well, and it's not a bad thing, I have taken the class and it taught me soo much). If you are willing to leave your husband, whom it seems you have been married to for eleven years, because "his" sons are hard to handle, then maybe you are not as truly committed to this marriage as you ought to be. Children grow, and they do become a lot harder to handle, you will find this out when your son grows. I have four children, and all four children are 120% different, it's about being patient, and WANTING to take the time to figure out which disciplinary action works best for them.(time outs are not only for children, but they are also for adults, and trust me, I take them every time I go to discipline. I don't want to discipline my children when I am angry, it will not be beneficial, so I send myself, as well as the child to a time out and then talk about what has happened).Maybe you should also seek some counseling. Remember, if you don't want the boys slapping eachother,you are being hypocritical by slapping them .. You are also going to affect the way your son looks up to you, if you keep having these anger issues. I am saying this with such confidence because I have been there, luckily for me, I had the strength to get out of it by helping myself with taking many classes, but it's something I WANTED to do.

You've watched this little boy get beat up for 11 years and no matter what you do you haven't been able to protect him. I'm not surprised at all that you finally snapped. We're human, we make mistakes. Under the circumstances it's amazing it didn't happen sooner.

I'd say 11 years of uncontrollable aggression is more than a behavior problem. Especially since his twin has ADD, I would seriously consider having the aggressive one evaluated for it too. I have a son who used to constantly attack his sibling, and when we treated his ADD it just stopped. Now they play together as if all those bad years never happened.

Please don't blame yourself. Of course we don't want to hit, but when you've tried for years and nothing else has worked--well, we all have our breaking points. I hope you can find some help for your aggressive one. It'll be the best thing you could do for his twin, and for the whole family.

Please read Siblings Without Rivalry by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish, and share it with any other parents your stepchildren have. It is an easy read - get it today!!!

Good luck.

Everybody is human and everyone makes mistakes. The good, promising thing here is that you are aware of it and willing to change. Please read these books... I SWEAR it will give you the tools you need (for a peaceful conflict resolution between all of you) and help you a lot.
SIBLINGS WITHOUT RIVALRY: How to Help Your Children Live Together So You Can Live Too by Adele Faber & Elaine Mazlish
That book is considered a CLASSIC and I was reading through it last night for pointers myself. Check out the reviews on Amazon.com. You could probably borrow it from your local library.
http://tinyurl.com/2e6qou
EASY TO LOVE, DIFFICULT TO DISCIPLINE: The 7 Basic Skills for Turning Conflict into Cooperation by Becky Bailey
http://tinyurl.com/ys2oze
That book will help you learn how to calm down your anger and among other things... help you see that one of the first things to do when you walk in on a problem is not jump to conclusions or "label" one person or both as the guilty, bad party. Once that happens, it's downhill. That has to end.
Anyway, there are LOTs of resources out there (book form) so start with those two. I took a Positive Parenting class at our local Adult Education school (cheap) and the course was based on Bailey's work. It was SOOOO helpful.

It looks like you have practically raised the boys since they were 1. If that is the case, I'm a little surprised they do not respond to you when you try to teach them. In this situation, I think their dad needs to be the one to lay down the law with them. They are at a very difficult age right now. I think all kids respond differently to various types of punishment. However, if that didn't get his attention, then that is probably not going to be effective. I "inherited" 3 step children when they were 8, 9, and 10. I had in my mind how children should act and respond to parents. They did not. My husband thought I was too strict with them; I think he was too lenient. However, my husband and I had to agree on the roles each would play in dealing with the kids. The key here is my husband agreed to deal with them. I did not always like his decisions; especially in the beginning. But now, it works great. I do not get worked up over stuff I use to (clean rooms, being on the computer too much, playing too many video games, etc.)

I'm not sure how much time you guys spend with them doing other things (outdoor activities). I think that has everything in the world to do with their relationship with you. I completely understand not liking them and just wanting to get away. I was the same way and experienced the same feelings. I think in the end I learned to pick and choose my battles. You and your husband have to decide what is important and agree on the values to instill in your kids. The easy thing to do is leave, but that doesn't help the boys. I know you don't always like them, but I would have to believe you love them. I think it is a little easier in my situation because my step children are not malicious and they have had good values instilled in them from a young age. Please do not think they are perfect. They still drive me nuts, but we do not deal with the same issues as we did before. For some reason kids respond better to their fathers discipline than their mothers. I think that is because women tend to nag :o) and men tend to let more things go. So, when the father DOES say something, they know it is serious. It makes life so much easier when you work together.

Bottomline, decide what is important to you. If you love your husband and really do not want to walk away from that, then hang in there. The situation is only temporary...they will graduate some day. :o)

I'm not agreeing with the hitting, but maybe hopefully this will help him to understand why you don't want him hitting his brother. I hope CPS is not called on you.

Sometimes the only way we can understand is to walk in the shoes of others. I would take him out someplace where you can talk to him one on one. Tell him how this situation has made you feel and how sorry you are for what you did & to please forgive you.

Then turn it to teaching him. Talk to him about how it made him feel to get hit. Did he like it? Then how do you think it makes your brother feel? This is why we get after you all the time (It hurts). And I hate seeing your brother get hit by you. How can we fix this situation!

Listen to him, look into his eyes. Use this as a learning and teaching experience. Have your questions thought up before you go out together. (And don't read them from a Paper) It needs to look like this is a great concern to you. 12 year olds are smart so be prepared for anything.

Good Luck!!! JP

You sound really overwhelmed and I can tell you're trying to be a good parent. I think your family could benefit from counseling, as I can see that you are near a breaking point. I don't know you at all, but based on your message, your regard for your natural son is very clearly different than how the stepchildren are regarded. All children need to be raised in a home where they feel as equals, not a defining difference between step children and biological children. I see the pain this can cause because my husband is from a family where he was the 'stepkid' and always regarded as so and treated very differently than the 'real kids', almost like a second class citizen. I don't know if that is what is causing frustration for the two older ones mainly the healthier one, but please make sure this is not how they may be feeling. Especially if you have had them for so long -I would think they automatically be referred to as 'your kids' anyway.

Even the best of parents lose their temper from time to time. What is important here is how you handle the situation afterward. You can't go back and undo, but it is important for your step-son to understand that you realize what you did was wrong. You need to talk to him, and you should talk to his mother as well at a different time to explain what happened and apologize, but take him aside personally and tell him that you made a mistake and that you are very sorry. Explain that you lost your temper and that you did the wrong thing, then ask him to forgive you. Even if he has a hard time understanding, he will see that you are willing to say you are sorry and he will respect that as he grows. Don't offer him treats or anything, that would just give him the idea that if you mess up, you will have to pay up. Apologize and tell him you love him, then leave it alone.
As far as the child beating up his brother, you are trying to fix a problem that has been ongoing for many years and you may not have success without some additional help. A lot of children feel frustration and anger when a sibling gets more attention. Regardless of your intention, a child who has more problems gets more attention. Your step-son might be taking out his anger on his brother (who he sees as the cause of his problems) and he is also getting attention the only way he can think to do so, with violence that leads to your discipline. After all bad attention is better than no attention. First, you could try the "go put your nose in the corner" routine. Every time he behaves badly, you put him in the corner and ignore him (the time frame should not be too long, I usually just do as many minutes as the age of the child, in this case 12 minutes). This reinforces the idea that you will not get attention when you misbehave. Make sure that you give him positive attention any time possible, when he does his chores without being told, when he helps around the house, and especially when he is kind to his brother. He is also old enough for you to explain to him, in private and with his father and possibly mother present, that his brother is different. Tell him that though his brother might get more attention because he has some problems, that you love him just as much as his brother and are very proud when he makes good choices. I don't suggest sending him to his room for punishment because he might just turn on the radio and play, and you want this to be an unhappy time for him. Don't let anyone talk to him in time out, don't respond to his cries (unless he's actually hurt), and don't make a big deal out of putting him in time out. Just make him stand there and go on with your life. This may take some time to help him understand, but you have to do it everytime, no matter what (at the store you could send him to the car with his dad, or with other friends just take him staight home, think this through and use the same strategy everytime). If you can't seem to make an impression, you should consider getting some counseling for your step-son. It is obvious that he has some anger and frustration and is taking it out on his brother. If you can't help him find his release, maybe a doctor can.
I know that you feel you should distance yourself from these boys and focus on your own child, but I don't think that is the best method. That is a temporary fix for a problem that will grow as the children grow. You might be angry or have a hard time with these children, but if you can't find love in your heart for them, you should never have married their father. I know that's harsh, but it's true. Good luck.

Hello J. B!

It sounds like things have been hard for a long time and this has brought you to the point of reaching out in this way. While of course it is better to never have slapped your step-son's face, your honesty is truly impressive. It's brave of you to admit something that not only crossed the line but is also completely culturally unacceptable. And it’s brave of you to admit that you want only to deal with your own son - another admission that could be very criticized. Regardless of how you feel, your honesty shows you want things to be different. I hope the counseling and parenting classes help you find some peace in this situation. The effects of losing it with him can be repaired.

I know you've been given a lot of good and helpful advice. I hope it doesn't burden you to add two books that have helped me. "Screamfree Parenting: Raising Your Kids by Keeping Your Cool" by Hal Runkel (that I keep recommending to people on this site - it has really helped me!). Another source is the book "She's Gonna Blow!: Real Help for Moms Dealing with Anger" by Julie Ann Barnhill. To be honest, I thoroughly read the chapters that seemed most applicable to me then only skimmed the rest because for me just knowing I wasn't the only one helped a great deal. Both are available on-line or you can order them through a bookstore.

Claudia has a great point that the one doing the beating up may have a lot of negative feelings toward the attention the other twin gets for being slower and on medication. I wonder, too, if it's even possible that he's jealous of the relationship you have with your third son but somehow knows he can't retaliate on him - maybe that's crazy, but it might be worth thinking about to see if there's any truth to it.

It sounds like you feel it's much easier with your third son because he's "not involved" with the problems of the twins, and I could see how things might be much simpler with him because you're his mom, not his step-mom and have the feeling that you have more control with him. However, if you've been the twins' step-mom for 11 years they have a deep relationship with you and you with them, even if things now are bleak and very difficult. Is there something fun you could do just with the older two on a special day? Or just one at a time since there tends to be conflict? Maybe the zoo, play a game, see a movie, take a walk...whatever it is they like to do or you have a history of doing with them from when they were little. My oldest loves to snuggle up on me while he reads and then stop reading to make comments on what he's reading or ask questions. My youngest loves to play jokes and "be sneaky" and "get me". There are lots of little things that can make them feel "in charge" when there's so much they are not in control of. And sometimes just a little bit of real control can help them settle down, especially over time as you and your husband build it in intentionally. Maybe each member of the family could take a turn planning dinner, or choosing what to do after homework, or a fun family time. Just some things to try.

Hang in there. It's hard to stay emotionally involved with the twins and your husband when you currently find it so much easier and rewarding with your youngest. I hope you are able to see changes and find joy again in your family life of all five, and not only the two of you.

Take care,
S.

J.,

You have a lot on your plate! Remember no one is perfect. I think we have all lost our tempers at one time, anyone who says they haven't I'd be very surprised. weather it is yelling, spanking, or hitting, out of anger, we have all been there. First you need to forgive yourself and vow to never do it again. Second you need to apologize to your son, he needs to know that it is not ok to hit and you will not tolerate him hitting his brother any more. Tell him you were wrong for hitting him and you love him very much but it makes you very sad and frustrated when he is treating his brother badly. Ask him why he is treating his brother that way, is he embarrassed of him? Is his brother frustrating him? Maybe he doesn't understand that his brother has special needs and you need his help to take care of his brother. Also with my son I just needed my husband to step in and discipline. He would be the softy and my son would play him now he has put his foot down with him and I've seen a huge difference. You are a great step mom because you care enough to want to change to help your boys. Keep your chin up they need you! My mom gave me great advice: the more they loose control the more we need to be in control. We are their examples and it is not easy, I have said some pretty horrible things to my son who is now 6 years old, but the great thing about kids is that they are very forgiving and they just want us around. Hope this helps.

Take care-
G.

I think we all lose control at one point and maybe you just had engouh of this entire thing. Ask your husband how he feels and try working things out with him togather I got the feeling that you are in charge of mostly everything. Don't feel bad for losing control instead do something positive talk to the boy and next time it happends take the other boy away from him and walk away outside and take a breath and stay out there untill you feel better. When you feel better go ahead and punsih the boy I don't mean hitting more like taking something away for a very long timemaking him clean and doing things he dosen't like.

Don't worry, you're not a horrible person or terrible mom. Experience is a great teacher, so just move forward from here.

What does your husband think of the boys' situation? Is he home enough to handle their fighting? If he is, have a family meeting and explain that their dad will be the one in charge of any arguing or hitting, and he'll decide what happens. If it happens when he's not home, inmmediately separate them, but hold any consequence until Dad is there to handle it.

If your husband has always either encouraged or ignored the behavior, find a family or couples counselor to help everyone figure out healthier ways to behave. Their dad is probably either baffled or thinks this is "normal" behavior, and really isn't sure what to do.

Even if your husband is dealing with the fights, you are still a parent, and you can make rules. Try to prevent the fights from happening by keeping the boys away from each other. Tell the boys that they'll be separated until they can get along. (Make it clear to the victimized brother that you're protecting, not punishing, him.) Keep the boys in separate rooms while they work, play and sleep, even if it means switching bedrooms. When they must be in the same room, like at the dinner table, seat them at opposite ends and make it clear that they can only speak to each other if it's polite ("Good job on that report,") or necessary ("Please pass the potatoes.")

Watch and talk to the victimized brother to see what sets off the fighting. Maybe he is either deliberately or unconsiously making his brother angry by doing something he knows will upset his brother. He needs to analyze how his behavior - ignoring, gloating, complaining, not asking to borrow things, or anything else - contributes to the attacks, and he needs to know how and why to change his role in things.

Find a family or childhood counselor. Things won't really get better until the agressor knows why he's doing this, and what he should do instead. Is he jealous - think his brother is loved more, fussed over more, has more friends, better privileges, better grades, is more well liked by teachers and other kids? Or, does any real or perceived weakness make him want to take advantage of the "weaker" person? Why? Or, is this just a habit left from toddler years and he just doesn't know how, or why, to stop?

Good luck, Mom! Hang in there!

You and your husband have to set the example on how you want your kids to be right? So be the parents you should be and teach , love, and get help that you need. There are alot of alternatives for, and help naturally for add children, seek it. You are the role models and teachers so BE It, and make a difference for your childrens sake, remember they are INNOCENT, and hitting the child is just crazy , they are not for your taking your frustarations out on are they?.The effort you put in now will be the end result of those kids, you have to choose how you want them to end up.
Good luck
Tk

J.,
I'm so sorry to hear what you're going through. It hard enough being a parent to your own children and quite another to someone else's. Please forgive yourself for your behavior and apologize to your step-son. Let him know that what you did was inappropriate and that non of you should never hit. Try to keep the line of communication open between you and him. Ask him questions about how he's feeling and why he's having these outbursts.
Your step-son may be feeling jealous of his twin if he is getting more attention, because of his disability as well he may feel shame for his twins affliction. It sounds like he really needs some sort of therapy. You can even talk with the school counselor to see what kind of help they can provide.
Best wishes, I hope that things work out for you all soon!
S.

I would be worried more about what the kid's mom is going to do!
It sort of seems like an impossible situation. Ask your husband how this should be handled. After all they are his boys.
You got to get a handle on this anger though! As you know, hitting a kid is never the answer. Poor thing, you I mean!
I hope it works out well.

J.,
First of all, what does your husband, their father, do to control the situation?

My mother took care of my daughter and my niece (who are three months apart) from the time me and my sister-in-law went back to work. When the girls were about 9 months old, my niece had the habit of biting my daughter. My mom, reprimanded my niece verbally but she continued to randomly bite. One time, she bit my daughter so hard that she drew blood. My mom, not know what to do, bit my niece and asked her how it felt. My niece has never bitten again. I know you feel terrible for hitting him but maybe you showed him how it feels to be slapped around by someone.

I can only imagine how stressful this is for you. Have you sought counseling for the boys? Is their mother in the picture? Perhaps the bully son needs to go spend some time with her or another family member or military school.

I am a firm believer in prayer. When he allows you to touch him, put hands on him and pray for whatever anger,hatred or jealousy, he may carry in him be taken away. Pray for god to put piece and love in his heart. Have faith and you will see.

Both twins should be checked for heavy metals. Lead and mercury can make one violent and cause adhd. One of my twins was violent with no impulse control. Not only did he have lead but also was having brain seizures. Please visit my website and your husband should read my book www.victoryoveradhd.com
D. Merlin mother/author