My daughter is from a hard divorce and she has had numerouse councelors and is now on medication to help her through her mood swings. My husband (we have been together as a family for 3.5 years) also has a step son who is 12. I dont think my husband understands girls and their hormonal changes. He sees her attitude as being a spoiled brat and needing more boundaries. Some of this is true because of my ex's take on parenting and my own are different as well and she grew up with mixed messages. She is a wonderful girl but is plauged with anxiety to the point that she was afraid of getting sick or going to school. She has now smoothed out her behaviors. I do put limits on her phone, but not enough for my husband. If she is cranky and she does the job I ask her to I still see it as done. He on the other hand handles his boy with taking away the xbox if he sases back, or doesnt do well on a test which is fine. I dont see my daughter's sassing as something punishable if there is anxiety or her monthly. I have a higher tolerance for behaviors and really want to teach her instead of being punitive. For example...she did not want to clean up her dishes. I went up and said to her that "when someone shows you a kindness you need to return it" since I took you out shopping I know you can clean those dishes up! Gave her the look...she came down and complied. She is extreemly sensitive and one look is better than "your grounded from x-box" My husband's boy is adhd (no meds) and needs that kind of very cause and effect discipline, very structured and simple. He will also try to argue with a rock if you let him. My daughter and I work things out. Sometimes we set boundaries on phone and ipad usage and friends coming over.
The problem is this......and question. My husband has resentment toward my daughter and cannot see that she needs equal but different parenting. He cannot say anything nice to her and makes sacastic comments which is making her angry and she is sorry that I am with him. What advice do you have for me with this situation? Also, his boy and I do not have a lovey relationship but I provide a nice home and do not offer sacastic remarks. However I have been accused as a "nit picker" with teaching him to have good table manners, picking up etc. My daughter is a slob also and I do the same with her.
I did not attempt to parent my stepkids and I did not allow my ex to parent my daughter (his stepdaughter).
**My husband has resentment toward my daughter and cannot see that she needs equal but different parenting. He cannot say anything nice to her and makes sarcastic comments which is making her angry and she is sorry that I am with him.**
If your husband wont' change you need to leave.
Yes. Leave.
You are a mom first and your daughter needs you. your husband needs to get into counseling and treat your daughter with respect. You need to parent the same way.... as unit. giving her ONE message.
You were in one bad relationship and from the looks of it you are in another relationship with a man who is neither nice, respectful or empathetic. So, in addition to getting your husband in counseling and KEEPING your daughter in counseling.... I suggest YOU address why you keep choosing men who don't treat you or children with basic common decency.
it is unfortunate. Your daughter is learning how to pick a mate and how to be a wife from what she observes from you. Are you teaching her the right stuff?
I admit I've never been part of a step family, but I do think you need to make your husband back off and mind his own business and let you handle your daughter. Please do not tolerate him verbally abusing your daughter (..."He cannot say anything nice to her and makes sacastic comments ...")
I feel bad for your daughter and you should not hesitate to choose her/take her side instead of your new husband's.
As someone who has the same kind of character as your daughter, I can tell you that if you do not stick up for her and communicate your issues with your husband and the way he treats her, she will never forget it. That will become a big wall between you two. I can tell you this with certainty, as I am from a well blended family. I have a wonderful stepfather, however we weren't always so close. I also have had two stepmothers. Both of which didn't like me very much, and didn't have a hard time expressing it.
Your husband also needs to be aware that no two children are the same. You need to find appropriate discipline for each. If your stepson is ADHD, he will obviously require a different amount of discipline and more of a hands on approach.
However, nothing is more obvious to me then the need for all of you to go to a family therapist.
An adult is making sarcastic comments toward a teenage girl? He has no right to criticize anything because he sounds like an immature bully. If I were you I would try counseling with him, and if that didn't work, I would be gone. There is no way I would let another adult pick on my child. It's even worse that she has to live with this guy, and has to deal with this day in and day out. No wonder the poor thing has anxiety. She's sorry you're with him? I'm sorry too.
I am sorry but this is not a problem of blended families or even between your daughter and your new husband.
Your husband is simply an immature bully. If he was an adult he would be able to agree to disagree with your parenting approach and leave it at that.
Instead he harbors resentment against your child and bullies her ("He cannot say anything nice to her and makes sacastic comments...").
If one of her classmates was treating her like that, you would surely have a talk with the teacher about providing a safe bully-free environment.
Well, your DD comes home to her bully, the adult man that you married, every day. That that is not conducive to raising a well centered teenager, especially after everything she has been through with your previous divorce should be pretty obvious to you.
I would suggest that you get some counseling for your husband and yourself and find some sort of agreement on what both parties find acceptable when it comes to dealing with the step-children.
If that isn't possible I would leave. Your DD's mental health is already fragile after what she has been through. This is NOT helping! You have an obligation towards her first and foremost as her mother. This includes providing her with a safe and stable home without someone bullying her day in and day out.
Good luck.
As a step-daughter myself who went through a number of similar issues with my step-father, I want to encourage you to meet with a therapist with your husband. You need to come to some agreement about how to raise both your children. You will need to figure out how to improve your relationship with your step-son and he with your daughter. It took many difficult years for our family to overcome the damage done to our relationships when I was a teenager. Both my sister and I went through a lot of pain that might have been avoided. Don't wait and hope it will improve. Find a neutral person who can guide both of you. If he won't go, go alone. For her sake and the sake of your marriage.
Step-family situations are hard. I could write a novel on this, but I don't have the energy, and I'm not sure what to say to be succinct.
You are right about how you are dealing with your daughter. And he should definitely not be treating her the way he does. Each child does not need to be disciplined the same way.
Somehow you need to convince him to treat her with love and kindness. In return, tell him you will become more loving to his son and stop nit-picking. Being lovey dovey with your stepson is more important than insisting on his being clean and mannerly.
Just as your daughter needs to be treated with more sensitivity than your stepson, boys are usually innately less neat, less mannerly and less helpful than most girls.
Both you and your husband should spend more time loving these kids up, and less time disagreeing and worrying about cleanliness and behavior. In a few years this will all be over, and you will regret time spent on these things, instead of having fun.
I think all of you need to go to family counseling. None of you are communicating effectively.
Time for family counseling.
maybe since the kids are so old instead of worrying about disciplining eachothers kids you should worry about bonding with them? each find an activity the other persons kid likes and try that with them alone?
also why not house rules you both agree on? so punnishments are equal and fair? being hormonal isnt an excuse for back talking.
Blended families are hard in the best of situations. You say your husband has a stepson, do you mean he's active with stepson from a previous marriage or he has a son (who is now your step son)? Asking only for clarification purposes and to understand the dynamics.
Here is my take. I think there should be house rules that apply to all children regardless of biology. The rules and consequences should be consistant and fair to all but sometimes that means they are not identical (because what works for one may not work for another). For example...if they don't do their chores and you have to remind them, they may not do something they want to do until it's done (natural consequence) but if for instance it is not done by the time that it needs to be (left dishes overnight rather than washing them after dinner), now there are additional consequenes. For your daughter, that may be her friend can't come over but for your son it may mean no xbox (same length of time) because she wants her friends over but doesn't play xbox while he plays xbox but is a loner. See what I mean? But you can't just "give her the look" while he looses privleges...that's not fair.
You and hubby don't have to agree 100% but you do need to compromise and come to an agreement/understanding that is fair to all. It also lets the kids know "if I do this, this will happen". They really do need consistancy and to know their boundaries.
That says, accepting of behavior is great but she also can't just give attitude unchecked (not saying she does but always looking the other way excuses bad behavior). It's one thing to understand the why, but to use that as a "free pass" is one reason kids grow into adults with the same bad behavior and then teach it to their children.
