My 10 year old daughter scheduled play date with a friend. While in school another of my daughter's friend's asked if she could come over too because she never gets to play with the girl my daughter was having over. My daughter didn't want to have her over too as she felt she would be left out and essentially told her it wasn't a good day.
The other girl still called and kept asking persistently if she could come over. Again my daughter did tell this other girl it wasn't a good day, but the other little girl still kept persisting that she wanted to come over too. Ultimately my daughter said today was not a good day and she could come over the next day. (The friend that was over did not care if she came over too.)
Is this wrong? Should I have encouraged her that it would be fine and to try it out? I personally have found in groups of 3, someone always gets left out.
I try to teach my daughter to be kind an considerate of people's feelings so I don't want her to exclude people, but I thought having time with just this friend is ok.
Just curious what other moms think. (My daughter is an only child.)
Thank you everyone for your feedback! It makes me feel better about the decision to keep it to just the 2. We did have the other girl over the next day and they had a blast. (The other girl comes over all the time, but I think she was interested in being included since it was someone new she had not spent time with outside of school.) I suggested my daughter try having both over in the future to see how it goes, but this time she wanted the one-on-one time.
This would have been a great time to say, "I have to ask my mom." and "My mom said No." instead of having all the back & forth.
My kids play in trios all the time and it has never been an issue but I have sons, not daughters. I remember when I was a girl I preferred to spend time with one friend, or a larger group, but three can be awkward.
Yep you're right, girls often have trouble in groups of three. Ask your daughter if she has noticed that too, I bet she has!
If she had asked to come over because she wanted to play with your child that would have been one thing, but to ask if she can come over because she wants to play with the other child that is invited, that would worry me about your daughter possibly getting left out. But, if she kept insisting like that as mom I would have stepped in and told the girl it was MY choice not to allow it and to set it up for another day rather then leave your child to deal with the begging on her own, I am sure she was afraid she might push her friend away by having to say no again and again. I would make sure to compliment your child on sticking to her guns and not letting her other friend push her around.
Your daughter was right not to include the other girl. She was under no obligation to include her, and she was wise to realize that she might be the one who would be excluded. The other girl was rude, really, begging to come over not to play with your daughter but with the other girl. "Can I come over to your house? I don't really want to play with you but I heard that Jenny will be there and I want to play with her."
If this girl called your house repeatedly, why couldn't she have called "Jenny's" house and invited Jenny over to her home, if she wanted to play with her so badly? Honestly, if she kept this up, I'd probably have told her to stop calling myself, or asked to speak to her mom and told her what was going on.
These stories make me glad to be past the point of play dates.
Your daughter has insight as to how she wants to host. She does not want to entertain both friends at the same time.
For another girl hosting, she may enjoy having both girls over.
Not your issue, but the pushy girl needs to learn more social etiquette.
This makes me so glad my daughter is out of high school now.
Never do 3 for a get together, play date, whatever... Someone is always left out. It almost always never works out without 1 person with hurt feelings.
Allow your daughter to steer through her friendships and assist her when she asks.
I stay away from crowds of 3. Someone does always get left out even with boys. 2 remotes to the ps4, teams for nerf wars arent fair and they dont want to have individual teams. I think your daughter is smart to realize that. My son has had a few come over at a time (even cousins) and keeps remembering the hard way that someone gets left out.
When it comes to play dates three is always a crowd!! I've been reminded of this many times and now be sure to only have one friend over at a time unless it's a birthday part =)
You never know if the girl your daughter is having over is trying to avoid this other girl.
She sounds like a clinging vine and sort of a stalker - it's a bit creepy.
Plus - it's rude to say "I don't want to visit you for you - I want to be there because of the other girl that will be there".
How did she even KNOW the other girl was coming over?
Did she SAY she was busy that day coming to see your daughter?
Stay away from odd numbers and I'd think twice about this one girl even for a one on one visit.
She sounds like she could be trouble.
I totally agree with you. And I think your daughter made a good choice. I'm impressed that she stood her ground. The girl who kept asking wasn't being respectful. After your DD told her one time it wasn't a good day, that should have been the end of her asking to come over. Groups of 3 are awful. If the 3rd girl wants so badly to have the company of your daughter's guest, she should make plans with her herself some time. Or another time, your DD may try a group of 4 or 6 and include that girl. But, no, not 3.
Smart daughter. Three almost never works and ends up in hurt feelings.
Sounds like your daughter was pretty grown up about it…but I get what you're feeling, it's hard to feel like a child might have had hurt feelings or felt left out because you don't even want your child to feel like that!
I think I would just make sure that the 3rd girl does come over for a play date, just to demonstrate responsibility on your daughter's part and I would talk to your daughter about possibly setting up a play date where all 3 girls can play together and just help her set up a plan for some specific activities/crafts, etc. she can plan on if she feels like one person is being left out. Good life skills going on here! :)
Congratulations to your daughter for handling this herself, and handling it well! She knew she wanted only the one friend over, and she expressed to the second girl that while Daughter did indeed like seeing her, Daughter did not want see her THAT day. Saying "it's not a good day" is fine, as is "My mom says I can have one person over today" -- I don't mind if my kid "throws me under the bus" and makes me the bad guy in these situations!
I hope you do indeed have the second girl over, alone, the next day. Your daughter suggested it and should follow through, though of course if "the next day" isn't a good one, be sure you do have the second girl over at some specific time soon. Schedule it, so the girl knows your daughter meant what she said -- she does want to see this girl, but on her own. It is not "excluding people" to turn away someone who is trying to come into a plan that's already made, so don't worry about that. We sometimes tend to think it's excluding or being mean not to say yes to everyone all the time -- please don't let your child think that.
It's always OK for a kid to have time with just one friend. The second girl was being a bit pushy, but I would not put too much blame on her. She might not have a lot of experience with get-togethers or been talked with by her parents about why we don't invite ourselves on other people's outings. Not necessarily her fault there.
As for play dates or meet-ups with three kids: It's a good rule of thumb to have even numbers generally. Not all visits have to be just two kids; four is fine, if you know the kids' dynamics and know that they'll pair up if they get bored with each other. I have to say that as kids get older, you can forget the "it has to be even numbers" rule as well; my daughter is 13 and sometimes has two friends over. A great deal depends on the relationships among the three girls, and if you know your daughter's friends pretty well, you'll be fine with groups of three or more in a few years.
By the way, my daughter is an only child too. Not sure why you brought that up unless maybe you're worrying that only children won't navigate social things correctly or something like that--? Only kids are as outgoing or shy, as socially skilled or unskilled, as any kid with siblings can be. Your child stuck to what she had planned, didn't cave to another kid's persistence, and was polite in doing so; I think she's doing just fine!
I think that this was a good opportunity to let your daughter make a decision on her own and express her independence. You could've easily nudged her to include the other girl but for whatever reason this was her preference. I don't even think it is important if the third girl would have made a difference or not. This was a choice that she wanted and she was confident enough to make it and even more importantly, she did it respectfully. You should be really proud. Imagine how well that character trait will suit her later in life. :)
I think your daughter handled it perfectly. From your post it sounded like this girl wanted to play with your daughter's friend and not your daughter. Your daughter's concerns of being left out are probably on target. I would praise her for being firm and sticking to her "No."
If this girl wants a playdate, her mother should arrange one.
Best,
T. Y
Perhaps there is a reason this girl never plays with your daughter's friend that was coming over. I think you did the right thing and let your daughter figure it out and decide what she wanted. If the 3rd only wanted to come over to play w/ your daughter's fiend , maybe she should make arrangements to get together another time.
