12 Year Old Son Is Being Rejected by Neighborhood Kids. Advice?

Why in the world would you tell him to say that? That's so rude. If someone said that to me or to my child, I would think your son is mean - they won't see any reason why your son was provoked. Kids change friendships and socialize with different people. Just because the other two boys are playing together outside doesn't mean your son is excluded. Has he tried to go out and join them? Plus, he's older than they are by a significant amount. Instead of teaching your son to be egocentric (those boys are using you), you should be teaching him to be happy to have so many people in his life that he can turn to, to be glad for his friends to have found each other, and he should be getting him involved with other boys his own age, as you are trying to do. You're getting caught up in the drama and emotion of it all instead of teaching him to navigate his social environment. You're supposed to be the voice of reason and instead you're teaching him to be dramatic. You are teaching him to be very self-centered and resentful when others have friends besides him, which is setting him up for social failure for the rest of his life. Sorry, but you asked - to me, it's a huge fail.

I think you were out of line by telling your son to ask if the kid was there just because the other one couldn't play. He wasn't being used. Kids live in the moment so most likely they like your son just fine. We always had a basketball hoop in the driveway when I was growing up so all the neighborhood kids gravitated to our house. Did they really like us or did they want to play basketball? Who knew and who cared.

Why in the world would you tell him that? ALL kids do that! One child can't play so they move on to the next. We live in an apartment complex. Some days my boys knock on one door, some days another. Some days the same kids knock every.single.day. and sometimes we can go weeks without a door knock.
If you tell your 12 year old to ask, "Do you REALLY want to play with me?" it makes him sound desperate, and if you tell him to say, "oh, you just picked to play with me second" it makes him sound petty.
9 and 10 year old boys are closer in maturity then 9 and 12. It's not surprising that they would rather play with someone closer to their own ages.
Get your son in some after school sports or clubs or swimming or SOMETHING. He will make friends his own age.
L.

I was sympathetic until this: "We told our son that if one comes over, he needs to ask if they are over only because the other one is not at home. If that's the case then he can't play with just one." He's 12, you need to step waaaayyy back. Does it bother him if he's the backup or is he just happy to play? If it doesn't bother him why are you letting it bother you? And if it does bother him then HE needs to speak up and tell the boys that, or just say no when they come knocking. I don't think he's being "used", the other boys are just better friends and naturally choose each other first. That's normal, that's life.

I have a 12 (almost 13) yo boy. I don't arrange for his friends to come over anymore. If he wants to hang out with friends he can arrange it. He asks my permission and I make transportation arrangements with the other parents if needed, but that's the extent of my involvement. We have lots of kids on our street. Sometimes a couple are outside playing and they don't include anyone else. Sometimes the whole street comes together to do something. If my son hears them outside and wants to join in he goes and asks. If they say no he comes inside. If he's afraid to ask because they might say no then that's his decision.

Is there some reason your son can't just go outside and join the other two when he hears them out there? Does he require a formal invitation?

We have several houses with children on our street. If the kids can't play with the neighbors they usually play with, they move on to the next house to see if other kids can play. Over the years, the "favorites" have changed often. The kids grow to like different things at different times and have more in common with one kid or another. But, there is a camaraderie of being neighbors and always feeling friendly towards the whole group. Try to keep that feeling and welcome those boys when they do come over to play. I'd even encourage going outside with your son to play a game and see if the other two want to join you. We have noticed that a pickup game of soccer or baseball with mom and dad quickly becomes a neighborhood game.

Are they specifically excluding him? As in - if he heard them outside and went outside to play with them, would they tell him no?

In my neighborhood, it's not so organized or formal as you are making it. When kids hear other kids out, they just run over to play with them. I have the neighbor's cell number, so I'll send a quick text to let the parent know to send him home if it's an inappropriate time. They do the same for me. But if my son is playing with another kid outside, and a 3rd one isn't there, it wouldn't occur to anyone to stop and knock on the door of the 3rd kid. Everyone would assume that if that kid wanted to play, he'd come out and join in.

I also think you were wrong to tell your son to ask if the kids were only coming over because the other wasn't available. Who cares? Asking that would just make everyone feel awkward, and make the other kids even less likely to knock on the door.

So, I guess my advice is to stop looking for insult when there may be none intended, and try to just go with the flow a little more.

You can't control friendships. Just because there are kids in the neighborhood doesn't mean they have a lot in common. As you have noted, there is a large age difference among all the boys. Your son is squarely in the middle, and you must acknowledge that there is a difference in maturity between 9 year olds and 12 year olds, just as there is between 15 year olds and 12 year olds.

I think you have to let friendships evolve and develop without getting involved.

I think it's incredibly foolhardy and outright rude to tell your child he is to inform friends who they are to play with and in what numbers. I think the message you are TRYING to convey is "I don't want my son, "Johnny", to be excluded or to be second choice." Instead, what you are teaching Johnny is "If Bobby isn't home, then Tommy has to sit home just like I do. If Tommy has a date with another friend, or is at the doctor's office or is at soccer practice, then neither Bobby nor I am allowed to play together." What is the purpose of this message? You are teaching kids that they are not allowed to play with their friends unless they are in a group that you dictate. This is rude, silly and bound to backfire on you as the "meddling and unreasonable parent" in the neighborhood.

Now, if you were to teach Johnny that, if Bobby comes over, to suggest that they also ring Tommy's doorbell, great. He can say, "It's so much fun when we all play together." But then you back away! If 2 kids have something more in common and want to play together, so what?? It might be different on a different day. Please allow kids to choose their activities and friends. You can also teach your son some social skills so that he is able to go over to Tommy and Billy and say, "Hey guys, what's up? Want to play catch?"

Give your son plenty of play dates with other friends from school so he isn't entirely dependent on these young boys to rule his social life, and encourage him to have friends in a variety of areas - school, sports, scouts, choral group, whatever. If your son needs social skills, work on that. But teaching him to say "no" to the kid ringing the doorbell reaching out to him is doing the exact opposite of what you want! It's putting up a barrier instead of permitting relationships to emerge and develop organically.

He's 12. It's time for him to be responsible for friendships and for you to just do the transportation and provide plenty of equipment and supplies so that yours is the fun house to visit. Sleds, bikes, a basketball hoop, some juice in the fridge and popsicles in the freezer - that's what kids need to feel welcome.

From experience I can tell you that watching your kid deal with these kind of issues is absolutely heartbreaking as a mom. Don't beat yourself up too much for bad advice. Remember there is a huge lesson in you admitting a mistake and being honest with your child. :)

To be blunt, getting school/sports friends over to play twice a month, at age 12, is doing fine. Are you hoping for weekly meet-ups, or a couple of times a week? That isn't going to happen, not at age 12. Your son is, what, sixth grade or so, maybe that's middle school in your area--? Kids this age are ALL extremely busy--and they should be. They have a lot more schoolwork now that should be taking up more of their time; they have activities outside school; if they have siblings, those siblings likely are old enough that the family is going to several kids' events each week and weekend, and so on. Yes, he should see friends, but don't push it to the point he picks up the feeling he's somehow not getting enough friends over. He's doing well on that score. You as the parent seem to expect much more social time than is really realistic, considering his and his peers' ages and activities and schoolwork. I think you're mourning the loss of an image of the perfect kid neighborhood where there are tons of children playing together all the time, but that's an ideal. It's not your reality and the ages do matter -- there is a big difference between 10 and 12.

I think you're smart to focus on your son's school friends and sports friends, and if he has other activities (Boy Scouts, church group, school clubs based on interest), encourage him to see those kids too. I say it a lot on MP but I'll say it again: Real friendships are based in common interests and shared experiences, not just on proximity -- living in the same neighborhood can make casual playmates but it does not necessarily result in lasting friendships. It can, but your son has found that for him that isn't working, and you rightly are encouraging a focus on kids his own age who are sharing his experiences and interests.

So let the frustration -- yours, not just your son's-- with these neighborhood kids go. I"m not saying "Don't ever play with them." But please drop the idea of your son questioning these boys if they come over. They will rapidly stop coming at all, together or alone. Your son is old enough to understand the difference between going out on the spur of the moment, when his homework's done, to kick a ball around with a 10-year-old, and doing something planned in advance with a friend his own age. Please don't put your son in the position of being these two boys' conscience. He can play with one if he likes, in that moment that he's asked, or not. But by telling him to ask them "Are you only here because X isn't around?" you are putting a lot of responsibility on him to monitor what should be a very casual kind of relationship. Your son knows without asking that one kid's there because the other isn't around; but if your son still just wants to head outside and kick a ball with that kid for the sake of, well, just kicking a ball, why stop him? I guess you'd say he needs to defend himself and not be "used" but truly, if he can learn simply to kick a ball around with either kid or both and not CARE about the drama of "You should play with me only if your motives are the right ones"-- he'll be better for it.

At 12, he should be caring less and less each week about whether kids as young as 9 are "excluding" him and he'll be caring less too about seeing them at all.

Welcome to mamapedia!!

I don't read ahead so I apologize if my response is repeating.

I would NEVER tell my child they can't play with another child because he might be second choice! PAHLEASE!! This is life.

If your child IS second choice - you might want to consider YOUR actions or EVEN your son's actions. No child is perfect. Even our own little angels. It could be your son is bossy. It could be your son needs to have it HIS way. I don't know.

What I do know? Is that I would let my child handle this on his own. Tell him that if he has problems, he can come to me - but over all?? He needs to learn this phase of social development. He NEEDS to learn how to handle peer pressure, dealing with friends, etc.

Not everyone will like your son. And your son won't like everyone either. That's life. Lead by example. Keep the lines of communication open.

Good luck!

I don't understand why he can't play with one boy even if it's because the other one isn't available. Those two are closer in age and get along well, which does not seem like a reason to exclude their invitation. That's creating drama for your son. If a kid comes over and wants to play, then great! Isn't that what you're looking for?

When your friends ask you to do something do you ask them if you were their "first choice"? I'm hoping not!

I'm also curious if they are deliberately excluding him, or if they are playing and just haven't specifically invited him. Has he ever gone out and joined in?

Keep encouraging his interaction with kids from school and sports. But more importantly stop teaching your son to play "games" with these other boys. Let them be kids and play as they want. If there is bullying or name-calling or something legitimate, then step in.

He's 12. Kick him outside and let him handle his own friendships.

There are a couple of kids in the neighborhood that my own boys don't play with. At first all of the boys played together just fine, but then their relationships tapered off. I never intervened, but I did ask what happened when I realized those boys didn't play together anymore, I asked why. My boys' response? Well, one is an "only" and acts like a complete know-it-all and starts arguments constantly, and the other is very spoiled and disrespectful to his grandmother and mother, and hits his sister. My boys (12 and 13) decided on their own that they prefer not to hang with them. As a parent, I'm glad that they are choosing good friends and learning to place boundaries regarding friendships that are unhealthy. They aren't rude to these other kids, they just don't choose them as friends.

Not to be unkind, but please consider why your son isn't the other boys' first choice for play. Is he being a know-it-all because he's bigger and older? Showing off? Or is it simply that these boys are closer because they are peers and in the same grade? Is your boy in middle school and these boys still in primary? There could be a number of reasons, none of which you need to fix (except if your son is kind of acting like a jerk). Just leave it be. Kick your son outdoors to make relationships on his own.

I agree it is hurtful that your son is being left out but to put the kids on the spot and ask if they just came over because the other friend is unavailable is awful in my opinion. Even if that is the reason, let your son go play. Perhaps when he is hanging out 1 on 1, the friendship will deepen.

Also, I don't remember needing an invitation to go play outside when I was a kid. What happens when your son goes outside? Are they being mean and telling him to go home or excluding him from their activity?

Perhaps you could set up a basketball net in your driveway or you could put a soccer net in your yard. When your son goes out to play maybe the other kids will come over to join him.

You know, neighborhood kids sometimes suck. My kids don't play with many of them, and it's rare when they do. We are busy so we aren't home much, and it stinks when we are and they want to play - but it is what it is.

My daughter has two other girls her age, one she was friends with 6 years ago, but these girls are so fast and my daughter recognized this on her own. They are only 11/12 and the things the other two do - my daughter knows heads would roll if she ever acted or dressed like they do.

My boys play with the one boy down the street. My boys are 7 and 9, this boy is 7. Sometimes my 9 year old wants nothing to do with him. Ages can create barriers.

Honestly, I'd let him figure it out. Either he will try to make friendships work or let them fizzle. This is a great teaching opportunity - as hard as it is as the mom to watch it go down.

3 kids is always a tough situation becuase one is always being left out. Every kid in the world has had to deal with this. One day our kid is the odd man out, next week one of the other kids is. You're right in your SWH follow-up - it was a mistake to put conditions on playing with the other kids.
Bottom line is that you cannot protect your child forever. By age 12 he's come across people he likes and those he does not. Chance are there are times when your son is the preferred playmate but as parents we don't recognize those times. Don't beat yourself up - you made a mistake - it happens. Would it be that this would be your last or worst mistake in this job of parenting - but we all mess up, make poor decisions. Learn from it and move on. Our kids are more resilient than we are in many ways.

You're doing the right thing encouraging other friendships and interests. My kids grew up on a small cul-de-sac with 3-4 kids of each gender in their age range - but somewhere around age 12 they began to pursue their own, individual interests which came with different friends with shared interests. For example, there are 4 boys on our block within 15 months age of eachother. They were inseparable from age 3-4 until about age 12. Now at age 15 /16 one plays in a rock band at high school dances, one is a big football and baseball player at the catholic high school he attends, another is a motocross & skateboarding fanatic and my son is the computer geek. They're all still friendly and goof around with eachother if they happen to be around on a Summer night but none of them are tight like they used to be. They no longer go to movies together, or have Friday night movie nights rotating from house to house. So your son is just about at that age where his friends won't be so much "geographically" based but instead based on their interests - baseball, basketball, debate club, band, mathletes, etc. My daughter is now away at college and her circle of friends is all of her making with none of my input - and she's made some good friends.

Good luck mama. This parenting stuff isnt' easy and you're about to step off the ledge into parenting teens. Strap yourself in, it's gonna get bumpy. And ven through the bumps - your kid will still consider his parents the most significant influence in his life. YAY!

I don't know what kind of neighborhood you have...if the parents are sort of upper class or what, so it depends...but where we live it's VERY ...um...unpretentious..to find a nice term for scrappy....and the kids are pretty ...um..unsnobby...to find a nice way to put unsupervised and completely without social etiquette.

It's a jungle out there. A free-for-all. A war zone. I kind of dig it. There's always some fight going on or someone hates someone. If I see some rascals in the yard, I let my kids know (one son two daughters) and if they want, one or two or three of them can go join the melee. Usually uninvited. Sometimes a random kid shows up at the door...Sometime kids gang up on my son and he cries and runs in tattling. I take the "If you're not having fun then come in" approach usually unless something super evil is happening.

So I wouldn't even be aware of which kids play together more or whatever. Or if my son was not being invited. But sounds like your neighborhood is more formal.

Even so, questioning the motives of boys at the door before playing is too much drama. Which I see in your SWH you agree.

I would only take action if your son goes out to play with these two and they tell him he's not welcome. What kind of action? Not really sure. Probably I'd tell him to forget those kids (for the day) and have his own different friends over like you're doing. Just let him have fun with whichever one is available and they're more likely to all get along over time. It's also OK for your son to say things like, "Dude, don't leave me out, come get me!" and stuff if the younger two tend to gravitate together.

I feel for you that he's an only child and you chose the neighborhood to provide socialization. We're in a different position, I have three kids and I never would have chosen these..."peers"..so the less my kids care the better...but this stuff is hard no matter which way you slice it.

I think if your son remains nice and unfazed then this will blow over. And if not, worse case scenario he isn't tight with the kids in the hood who aren't really his age anyway. I honestly feel kids get enough socialization in school and activities and the neighborhood stuff is kind of superfluous. Summer is different of course, so hopefully this will be ironed out by then. Good luck!

Glad you took everyone's advice so quickly, because that really was an unhealthy thing for you and your husband to do.

I wouldn't get involved. I wouldn't mandate who can come over and when. My daughter has lots of best friends and just because she's playing with one doesn't mean she has to also invite the other. I think you need to stop worrying about who is playing with who when (honestly, maybe they are better friends for each other, being closer in age) and encourage your son to have a bigger social circle and appreciate his friends when he's able to hang with them. I think you are causing more of an issue to question their motives and not just let your son choose to play with them or not. Being on a street with kids just means you're on a street with kids, not that everyone will always get along or enjoy each other's company always the same. You cannot "fix" it by punishing the kids for wanting to play with each other vs your son. Your son can read a book, ask them to play, call another friend, etc. He has choices, too. Think of it this way, would you decline an invite if your friend says, "I have two tickets to a band you love, do you want to come?" because you were probably not the first person the tickets were bought for? Or would you enjoy the outing and enjoy that your friend called you. The other kid might be busy or sick or grounded and that shouldn't mean your son can't play because of the third kid's schedule.

ETA: I'm glad you see that this can be different and I hope you and your family navigate these neighborhood friendships better. Yes, my DD only sees some of her friends outside of school a few times a month, but not every weekend needs to be a party and she sometimes enjoys the downtime when we're not running around all weekend. You can also make non-friend time quality family time. This time when they still kind of want to be with you is fleeting.

The other boys are best friends. Why shouldn't they be? I do agree they may not be old enough to think about how this is hurting your son but not letting him play with the one alone isn't helping.

I'd ask the boys why they won't include your son. They may have a good reason. They also might play younger things than he's playing. There is a lot of developmental difference between a 12 year old and a 10 year old a much much more between a 12 year old and a 9 year old. So if your son is 12 or older these kids are too young to be his playmates. He's actually too old to be playmates with anyone.

Most kids 12 and older are playing video games, doing homework, watching TV, just don't different activities than the little kids outside playing toys or riding bikes or stuff like that.

He's just getting older now and they want to play with kids. He's probably more in line with the older kids on the block that aren't driving yet.

If they are younger, they most likely do are just closer because they are the same age and have the same interests. I wouldn't have told my son to ask them why they want to come over and play.

I too have an only child. I lived in an area where their was no kids my sons age, and now where their are a ton his age. He plays with them at times, then has other kids over.. He is very social, and has a wide area of interests. Minus sports. So, I can see when some are too busy to play, etc. I've never felt bad if other kids are playing and he isn't playing with them. I always tell him just to go over and play if he wants. Usually all just play and have a good time then. I don't really pay attention to socialization with kids, unless he gets hurt or bullied.

I don't work, so when my son is home and no one is available to come over, I keep him busy , active, social. My husband also come from a big family and they all live close by, so that helps.

If he is lacking in a playmate, and expresses that he feels alone, it can be hard when he is an only child. For me, I've always kept him social, happy, and active. Find his interests, have him participate in a club or sport where he is able to have friends, etc. also, having a good pet around helps. My sons buddy is our 2 year old german shepherd. They play all day long.

Plus, he looks pretty cool with a huge dog in the yard! Haha.

Don't beat yourself up over it - you had your son's best interests at heart. We all make mistakes.

I think it's a bit different if the boy was nasty in between - like if the other 2 boys weren't kind to him, and then one would call if the other was busy. But still, your son is old enough to handle that.

The only thing I have done is - there's a boy who ignores my son except for pool season and rink season. He's not nice to my son in between. Like clockwork, you can expect a call the minute the rink is up. So I said no to having him over. My son (who doesn't seem to mind being used) complained, and I said "ok then - have him over - but if you feel terrible when he doesn't call you - don't complain to me". Well, he came to use the rink, was a show off and put my son down, and I stayed out of it. My son learned his lesson. I didn't say "I told you so" I just said "what have you learned?".

It just goes to show though that kids don't always care that they are second choice, or even being used. It drove me nuts, but I realized he needs to figure this out himself.

Hope that helps. I'm still learning ... :)

I also would not have told him that. Kids have done that forever. In my neighborhood growing up, there were groups like that. If you son is inside listening to them, why don't you encourage him to go out and ask to join the fun? Then if they tell him they don't want to play with him, there is an issue. Also, having kids on the block means nothing. Old neighbors bought a house across from us. Their grandkids stay over often. My 6 yr old tried to play with them. They were just plain mean to her. Told her to cross the street when a car was coming, knocked her down and kicked her, and other things happened. I have not let her play with them for a while (of course now I am the mean mom on the block). But she has school friends she can sometimes play with. I wish there were more but it is not always that way. Neighborhood kids just do not always equal playmates.

I didn't read all the responses and I'm late to the party, but I just wanted to say, after reading your update, don't be so hard on yourself. Parenting is hard and it think it can be even harder with one child. My kids play well with each other most of the time, and I can spread my crazy among the three of them ;) I have a somewhat similar situation to yours. The boys in my neighborhood are all just enough older that they don't really play with my son. There is one boy who is only a year older but he's not a very nice kid. My son doesn't even seem to have good friends at school. He likes the kids, but has never been asked for a play date and hardly ever gets invited to any birthday parties. I think the only things that save is are the fact that he plays with his siblings; he often enjoys solo activities like building with Lego and reading; and he's involved with sports and a club at church, along with piano lessons. Does your son have some interests you could cultivate? That would help to keep him busy so he isn't always sitting and hearing the other kids play. It might also help him to meet other kids who share some of the same interests, and maybe, as in my son's case, make up for the fact that he's a bit of a loner in the neighborhood. Good luck to you.

I totally get it. I have a 12 yo son who the 3 kids on the street have for some reason banned him from playing with them. We don't know what he did that was so horrible but they will knock on each others doors, go out and play and if my son happens to catch them out there and run out, then they all say they have to go in. It's really sad and we have basically given up. He stays in now and will ride his bike with his sister, only when she's in the mood, lol, or my husband. But we mostly try to get our physical activity in during the weekend. He's moved on but I know it hurts his feelings when we drive by and he sees them outside. I hope you figure out something that works for you guys. Good luck.

My older son used to be very sensitive and didn't get along with the neighborhood kids except for the boy next door. However, I noticed that his friend wasn't very loyal and if other kids came around they taunted my son until he came in all upset. It used to frustrate me to no end. For a while we banned my son from playing with his friend.

Fast forward ,he's now 13. The not so loyal friend has moved away. He has one good friend and a couple of friends at school. I pushed him into baseball and then boy scouts. Now he does Boy Scouts and a church youth group. He is very well liked in both groups and seems happy socially now. He does have a tendency to stay in a lot playing minecraft. The Boy Scouts has a been a lifesaver.

It sounds like you have this under control.