Pitching in Around the house...vent

kick. him. out.

Typically I am more empathetic..... you know the whole "a job affects a guy deeply" and all that. But I turned 41 yesterday and I think when I woke up a whole chunk of my patience with all-of-humankind just flew right out the window.

There is nothing YOU can do. It's up to him. I take marriage vows seriously and all that..... but at this point I think he should have 1 of 4 choices:

1. SAHD. Same responsibilities as a SAHM. Lion's share of the housework. Lion's share of the childcare (Actual Childcare - not pack&play babysitter). You share duties when you are home. When you are working he is working.

If he's not able to do that to a certain standard, then this isn't an option. So you move to #2......

2. Get a job. ANY job. Flipping burgers at McDonald's. Stocking shelves at Wal-Mart. Mowing grass. Anything that brings in minimum wage. I don't care if he was Donald Trump in a former life. He needs a 9-5 like the rest of the world.

If he's not able to do that, move to #3......

3. Volunteer somewhere 9-5 M-F. Again.... don't care where it is. EVERY city has an animal shelter and they all need volunteers. Even if he's not bringing in an income he needs to have responsibilities. He needs a reason to get out of bed and shower. He volunteers 9-5 and at night he applies for 2 jobs per day. Anywhere. You have to job search to get unemployment benefits. He needs to job search to keep wife/house benefits.

If he's not able to do that, then he's out of options..... and food. So YOU exercise option #4......

4. leave. You can't carry dead weight. And you shouldn't have to.

In the meantime you need to find childcare and a job.... like TODAY. You need to take care of yourself and your daughter.

I'm sorry that your husband is not more motivated when it comes to working and providing for his family, but regardless of what the Bible says your daughter is your responsibility too. If you feel like your husband is no longer interested in taking care of you then you'd better start taking care of yourself and your child.
Have you tried taking in one or two kids during the day? People are desperate for affordable child care, I'm sure you could find someone in need, especially with your experience.
And as far as not leaving your daughter alone with him, why not? Is he violent or dangerous? I understand that you don't think spending a lot of time in a pack and play is very good for her (it's not) but it's not the end of the world. You can't have it both ways, you can't expect him to support a wife who doesn't even trust him with his own daughter.
And perhaps you are both depressed. I'm not sure why you are so exhausted and can't clean the house when you are home all day. When my son was born we lived in a good size condo, with pets and two outdoor patio areas to maintain. Even with a baby who nursed around the clock for over a year I was still able to keep the place clean and have a decent meal on the table at 6, with virtually no help from my husband (he was still working 10-12 hour days building his business) or anyone else for that matter. Your "exhaustion" really sounds like depression to me.
In a nutshell, you can (and should) be supportive of your husband, but you can't change him. The only person you have any power over is yourself, so start working on that, focus on providing for yourself, and most importantly, your child.

It sounds like your husband is depressed due to the layoff. As for husbands being providers for the household, this is the 21st century and quite often this requires two incomes or traditional role reversals.

Perhaps, you can have him talk to clergy about his depression since money is tight, and give him a list of chores to do around the house.

Good luck.

If he won't work, you need to. I understand your daughter is an infant but have him take care of her and you go to work.

He may be really depressed about being fired from his job. Also, are you sure he wasn't involved in the accident? I can't believe that in this day and age that a company would fire him without reason. That would be wrongful termination. Did he file for unemployment? If so, was it denied? If so, why?

You may qualify for WIC. I would check.

It does sound like he is depressed, unless he never really wanted to work to begin with... but you know him best.

I would look for programs to help you out. Local churches often have childcare available to women who need to work and WIC will help too if you haven't gotten it yet.

Unless he is willing to get some professional help, (Catholic Social Services offers free counseling) there is nothing you can do to make him work. He needs to do it. Have you tried writing a letter to him, explaining how you feel and what you need from him. I suggest writing so it doesn't turn into a fight and you can get everything out that you need to... it's worth a shot!

I know it's going to be hard, but if he truly is depressed, it is just like he has a physical injury, he needs time to heal, but you can't afford to wait him out.
You need to do whatever it takes to care of yourself, your daughter and him.

Good Luck, BIG Hugs and God Bless!

Sounds like maybe he is depressed, and until he accepts that and gets treated, its going to be very tough to change things. IF thats the case. For you, maybe you could try working at night, while she sleeps? But also, to ease your financial situation, apply for food stamps, if you qualify that will take some of the financial burden off of you all.
Have you sat down and had a heart to heart with him? I know it will be painful and difficult, but give him all your love and understanding and support and see if you cant motivate him to do better. Good luck.

Most men feel "responsible" for taking care of their family but, it is kind of an old school way of thinking in today's world. Most of the time it takes two incomes to support a family these days. If he isn't willing to work, you need to. You can't "change" someones mind about anything. He either needs to work or stay home with your child so that you can work. Having no income is not an option.

As far as cleaning the house.....you have to take advantage of the "free time" you have to get things done. Take advantage of when she is sleeping or when she is content entertaining herself. I wake up 30 minutes before I get the kids up to get things done around the house before I go to work. While I am making dinner at night, I throw in a load or two of laundry. While helping the kids with homework, I fold laundry at the kitchen table. While my son is in the bath, I clean the bathroom. You just have to find time to sneak in houswork while trying to run the household. It can be done, trust me. This comes from someone with 4 kids, a husband, and a 50+ hour a week job outside of the home. You just have to find what works best for you.

I have been in a very similar situation with my husband before. Basically he felt like a failure because as the man he felt he was supposed to be the breadwinner in the family, but he couldn't find a job no matter what he did, and he became depressed.

And if you've never dealt with depression personally or had up close experience like that, you just don't understand. My husband just couldn't do anything. And I was SOOOO frustrated. But until I talked to someone who helped me understand, I didn't get it either.

He got help, got on meds. After a couple of weeks, his attitude changed, and eventually started helping out around the house again and got a new job.

You can't change your husband. Only he can.

BUT you can change yourself. It is not only the man's job to support the family; it is every family member's responsibility to help the family succeed. If he can't/won't get a job, then you get one.

I'm sorry you don't like the way your hubby takes care of your daughter,. but she was safe and he wasn't drunk or mean to her. He may step up if you get a job where he has to provide her care all day long.

And I agree with JB - the story about the accident doesn't add up. How would the woman get the number to call to report him if his truck wasn't there? And why would she randomly pick your husband's truck? Have you seen a copy of the accident report? Your hubby would have been cited for leaving the scene of an accident. Here it would not have been just a citation - he would have been arrested. Get a copy of the report because someone is not telling you the whole story (not that it matters now.)