Non Working "Spouse"

I agree w/ the others, stop paying his child support. He may also be a little depressed(not an excuse, just an explanation). When you haven't been around adults for a whille and just little kids, it does get depressing. Talk to him about that, and tell him you aren't paying his cs anymore!

I would call your local Legal Aid office (free legal counseling) and find out what happens if you stop paying his child support.

Does his wife have the right to then get YOUR pay garnished?? I believe it is different by state and I have heard of the non-biological spouse being responsible in some cases. Get a concrete answer PRIOR to just stopping b/c you don't want a garnishment on your record.

If you can (without consequence to you) stop paying then you should FIRST figure out childcare for you 17 mo so that there is no excuse for your husband not to work, then you should stop paying and your plan should be to set a date by which he MUST be working by.

If it is just flipping burgers... and he's making a lot less than before then he can legally have is child support payments reduced. Why would he work when you're taking COMPLETE care of everything?? You need to take action and soon. good luck.

Just like my husband, your husband does what he does because he can! He does not have to do anything because you do it all for him. I used to do this and this past year stopped and after 13 years my husbands @$$ is finally moving! You are codependent, meaning you make it easy for him not to get a job. Stop paying your husbands child support and start taking better care of yourself. This is what I have been going through for the past year and it has been rough and sometimes downright miserable but I have stepped back and refuse to rescue him and demand that he take responsibility and he is stressed and I see it, but he didn't care when I was stressed doing everything. I am now starting to see a light at the end of the tunnel, it is very far far away, but I see it! You will too, if you just stop paying his child support and for his other non-essential needs! (he's not going to like this) Good luck

Suz K has good advice. Find out what the legal fallout will be if you stop paying child support (if you're not married, there may not be any). Stop picking up all the financial slack.

Two years of unemployment can be really hard on a guy's ego, so depression is probably part of the picture. And a depressed guy is even less likely to seek work, or to be able to picture himself succeeding. And a guy whose ego is on the line isn't as likely to want to accept a humble job when he's been doing a manly thing like excavation.

And you've reasonably reached your limit. He needs to hear this from you if he's going to get motivated to do anything differently. Tell him you're ready to call it quits if he doesn't begin making positive changes within the coming month. Tell him you want HIM to propose a plan with weekly goals, and then fulfill it.

Good luck. My first husb. was employment-free for months/years at a time. I left him a few times, and he'd pull it together to whatever degree he had to to get me back. Eventually he didn't get me back, though. And that was a good thing for me and our daughter.

Dear V.,
I really feel for you. You have a lot on your shoulders.
First off, you can come up with all the "plans" you want, but if he doesn't get off his duff, none of them will be implemented. I know how hard it can be to find employment, but seriously, it sounds like he has no reason go get any ambition. At least not yet.
I'll never forget the day my husband sat in his underwear in his recliner while I did his ironing, and he informed me that I would have to get a job to pay is child support. Granted, we were married, but my response was the same. And, for those of you who may have tender sensibilities when it comes to curse words, etc....I will filter things down a bit. I had no problem working whatsoever. I worked before I married him and I'd work after, BUT, I wasn't going to put my kids in daycare and slave to pay support for his teenagers whose mother never held a job in their life. In no uncertain terms, that simply was never going to happen. Period. End of sentence.
It's time for him to man up.
You have 3 biological kids and so does he? Why is one person shouldering all of that?
My first thought is to say absolutely quit paying his support.
If you have any plans to marry this man....think again.
And, be very careful when it comes to filing your tax returns. If you are claiming him as a dependent, that might sound great in the short term, but if he goes into arrears on child support, they may be able to take your refund, if you have one coming to you, and turn it over to his ex.
Things may be different in VA, I don't know, but I know two women that happened to in CA. If you're not married, they can't use your income to determine the amount of support, but if there is already an order, it's going to be up to him to go to the courts and request that it be lowered based on his lowered income. And, if you file taxes together, that could involve you in a way that you never saw coming.
I would get some financial advice from someone who offers free consultations in your area.
This may sound harsh, but you need to be looking out for yourself, your biological children, your income and finances or you could find yourself in this hole for another 7 years (based on the age of his youngest child from his first marriage).
Loving his kids and caring about them has nothing to do with it.
HE is the one who should be supporting them, not you.
Two months might be one thing if he got sick or had to have a surgery or something...but two years?
I know you have a child together, but the plan, as far as I'm concerned, would be for him to get it together or get out.
Knowing he needs to support himself and his own children might be the motivation that he needs.

I really, really wish you well.

You must be talking about my ex, lol. He was laid off about 3 or 4 years ago, collected unemployment, got a 2 year degree and still isn't working. He and his girlfriend have a 1 year old. His gf has a high paying job and she is supporting their household and my daughter as well! We have joint custody, so no child support, but she buys her clothes, food, etc. because she lives in their home too. I pay all her medical expenses though because he doesn't have an income to contribute.

He is doing the stay at home dad thing too, saying the same thing that it's not worth it after having to pay daycare for 2 kids. I think that if his gf is willing to support him, he will continue to be lazy and not look for a job.

He thinks that since he has a "degree" now, he shouldn't have to accept just any job. He has salary expectations. I say, if you have a family to support, get any (expletive) job you can so you can at least take care of your responsibilities. Just because you have a job doesn't mean that you can't continue to look for a better one in your field!

My plan would be to convince him to get a part time job during your off hours, so that way day care isn't an issue. If he can get his foot in the door, even on a part time basis, it may make him feel better about himself and then find the motivation to get a full time job. Baby steps, I say.

My first thought would be to quit paying HIS child support payments. That, in itself, will be a big motivator. It is his responsibility and you are enabling him by paying it. He has no motivation or real reason to get a job.

Second, it's usually (obviously there are exceptions) depressing and upsetting to a man to not be taking care of his family. Talk to him and see where he is. Tell him where you are and what you are feeling. If he was interested in helping - he'd take any thing he could just to get back into the job market. Flip burgers for heaven's sake - he can work the hours you are home and vice versa. It will suck not seeing each other very often for awhile, but you do what you have to do until things get better.

Third, you need to take care of you or you won't be able to keep taking care of your family. You know what's best for your children and yourself. Trust your instinct and follow what you know is right.

God Bless-
C.

This sounds harsh because his sons are not to blame for his pure lack of spirit and dare I say it? Balls. But you should stop using your income to pay child support. Court mandated child support is a mathematical formula based on the former spouse's income and flexes as income changes. And as I said, that stinks for the boys, but maybe two women looking at him in disgust will motivate him. Also...If he hasn't already, a vasectomy sounds like a good idea.

wow you are dealing with so much frustration right now - girl i have to say i feel your pain! only probably a fraction of it, but still. my husband has had an awful employment history, we've been together for almost 9 years. i have fought and fought and fought with him about this - it gets worse at times, then it gets better, then it gets worse again. i can't tell you this is the solution for you but i was shocked - SHOCKED - at how much our lives got easier when a solution fell into our lap that actually worked "with" his ...shall we say, lifestyle. this is a long story so i apologize, but i'll try to keep it brief.

basically, we are almost to our mid thirties, and i have always worked, i have a good stable job in an office right now. we had our son in a daycare 5 days per week, which i took him to and picked him up from. that left my husband to kind of do his "thing", which was work part time as a delivery driver for a pizza place. nights and weekends. for over a year and a half he talked about getting his cdl and going on the road. procrastinated, made excuses...i had about a jillion discussions with him about whether he actually wanted to do this (in which case i would do what i could to help and support him) or if he was blowing steam up my a** (in which case, then what DID he want to do.) i was adamant that he do SOMETHING besides deliver pizzas. ironically, he LOVES doing it. and gets along with all his coworkers and managers. that has never happened before! we were "okay" and living paycheck to paycheck, but surviving. BUT i want better for my son. we lived in a crappy apartment and never had any extra money to do ANYthing. so i hounded him for over a year and a half, like i said.

suddenly, #1, my son is old enough and ready to go to preschool, which is part time. that cuts our childcare bill down by more than half. #2, i got a big promotion at work. #3, we found a duplex that is nicer than that crappy apartment, for $50/month less. all this in the last month. suddenly, the plan that makes the most sense is for him to stay with our son (taking him to and from preschool), and keep working part time. *poof*, all conflict, gone. we are still making these changes and haven't really settled into our new lives yet so i can't really report how it's going to work out - BUT i can tell you - if there is ANY way, ANY way at all, to work "with" his personality/work ethic/lifestyle - try to find it. or at least to compromise. maybe you can come up with a plan that works. maybe he could get a part time job at night after you get home and you could stay with the kids. a little "apart time", and some time for him to get out of the house, might help the two of you as well. just a suggestion.

I will tell you from the start that I am not very tolerant and I think you have tons and tons. I would tell him what you are felling and then if he has lots of excuses he can leave. He will sit and be a slug for as long as you take it.. Stand up for yourself!! You are a beautiful and wonderful and deserve so much more. You are supporting yourself and 5 others. That is really a big accomplishment. You have to think about what your kids are seeing. The girls will think that is the kind of relationship that is right for them and the little boy will look for someone that will take this from him. He, especially, is growing up with this and think that this slug lifestyle is right for him also. Take initiative and tell him that you are taking a stand and making a positive lifestyle change for you and the kids and if he does not want to be part of it then he can get out. You guys deserve so much more for yourselves and unfortunately there are people out there who will take advantage of you until you take a stand. Just remember that you are in charge of four lives. I want you to succeed and have a good self image for you and the kids. The girls are at the point if their lives when they are watching everything you do and you need to show them that this kind of treatment is unacceptable. I was talking to my good friend yesterday and told him that separation and divorce are not easy. I have just realized that the stress that I had in the marriage was not something that I could control at the time. The stress that I have now is from trying to put my life together and WE are all so much better off. A few years down the road the children will tell you the things that they see in the marriage and it will surprise you!!

This man needs to step up and put on a pair of big boy pants. Or stop making babies. Now that you have a child together, and have assumed the role of "stepmom" to your "spouses" kids, it will be heartbreaking for many people involved if you part ways. Best wishes.

Sounds like you are not happy:(You deserve it. I am a stay at home mom and have been on the other side of the fence being the only breadwinner and both sides have its pros and cons. Sounds as if you are more than just financially strapped sounds as though he is not contributing to your relationship or your family. I would start by just talking about what life is like for you and express teh direction you want it go. I am not sure I would give a deadline but I would express that if he is not helping your hurting the situation. If you both are not working for the same life then maybe he needs to find something else.

I was in same situation. I the worker bee and hubs SAHD. Plus I was also paying child support for his son from previous relationship. Then I lost my job about 9 months ago. I had some savings, 401K's and I refused to continue to pay CS. I told him you will go into arrears but I won't pay anyore. I told hubs you gotta get a job as I am jobless but more importantly to pay CS and eventually to get us on his health insurance as COBRA just dumped us. He got a job, below his skills but it pays for his son. He evn mentioned to me when I go back to work he can quit and be a SAHD again. I told him he is working till he is done paying for his son, and when I get a job I'll take care of us as I always did. Tell him YOU are not paying child support. If he doesn't believe you actually stop and let him wait till he gets the paperwork from the courts. I know you think this is unfair to his kids but it will only be unfair if daddy doesn't step up to the plate. As far as him losing liscense to drive and not taking opps to do jobs you find for him you might want to point out that there are millions of people wishing , praying someone would offer them a job. Also ask him is this the example he wants to set for his kids as a slacker? If you allow him to give you excuses as far as child care will cost more than he will make, then you are enabeling him to saty right where he is.

I have been married for over 15 yrs now. My hubby has had issues with holding down a job for most of the marriage. He has worked off & on here & there, but it has been a while since he has had a weekly paycheck. He has started doing odd jobs around the neighborhood since I was laid-off last July. I have been searching for a job, but with the economy I've only had a few interviews and am looking at going back to school & get a state certification to help me become more "marketable" since my 12 years at my last employer & 7 years as an accounting clerk aren't really helping me.

We have fought over him not working... it has been a big strain on our marriage. My dream has always been to be a house wife, not the head of the house. I do feel your pain as far a being overwieght (I was over 200# for 12 years and lost 35# after loosing my job), we also don't have the funds to go out & do stuff, if we go on vacation - it is camping & only because my father-in-law pays for the campsite & puts gas in my car to get us to & from the site.

We have started doing the Fall Hiking Spree & are going to do the Spring Walking Spree through our local Metro Park. We spend lots of time in our local Metro Parks... we have 6 or 7 of them with in just about 15 min from our house. We also take the kids to local school (when they are closed) to play on the playground. My kids are a little younger 6, 4 1/2, & 2 1/2, I also have a 15 yr old that doesn't live w/ us & a baby due in July. But we usually go places as a family including the grocery store.

Right now we are living off my unemployment & the fund he gets from odd jobs - if he gets them. The winter months were hard, because most people don't have work done on their homes & there is no grass to be mowed or gardens to be maintained. Our home isn't that expensive & the only reason I have a cell phone is cause my in-laws added me to their plan & I pay them for the year w/ the tax return, but even if I didn't pay them - they would leave it on for protection of the grandkids (I had a lot of car troubles when I was prego w/ my 4 1/2 yr old & walked to many times in the middle of winter with him - it scared them and they when out got it for me. You have to understand that a woman in our area was kidnapped, killed & her baby cut out of her around the same time... which is why they were so concerned - which I completely understand.)

Anyways, I do feel your pain... but until he is willing to "better" himself & step up to the plate so to speak, you won't be able to set him up a plan. You can keep working on yourself & try to better yourself, but he will have to choose to help himself. If you have a hobby you are interested in, get into it if you can - he will either follow or not, if he doesn't - it will give you alone time doing something you love. My hubby was a good home-hubby, but he knows I'm happier and less stressed now then I ever was working. Which is part of the reason he is doing the odd jobs... he can make good money doing them when they are available. He actually was at one point making what I made in a week in just 2 days... which is sad cause I put 12 yrs in the place.

I wish you luck - I don't know if I have been helpful or not, but I do want you to know I feel your pain. I love my hubby dearly & my family is my world... personnaly I would do anything to protect & take care of them - which is why I worked even when I truely wasn't happy. But I wouldn't give up my man or family to change it... eventhough a haircut more then once every 5 years would be nice & cloths more often would be great. I've got to the point were I feel guilty if I by for myself... although I did got spend $40 on myself yesterday, because the only pair of paint that fit me right now got a big hole in the butt & I had to have something to wear outside the house and my PJ pants just won't do. So, eventhough it was a 100% need I still feel bad for spending the $ on me and not on my family... guess that is just part of being a loving low-income or poor mom.

Take care! I hope you can find some peace and happiness w/in your life!

First off, you are working hard for every single person in two families and it sounds like you need a well deserved break, having said that I would start with NOT PAYING HIS CHILD SUPPORT