Husband Won't Find Work, Don't Know What to Do

This is what is jumping out at me, E.: "Over a week ago his company called him to tell him to fax in an application because call-backs are required to re-apply. Haven't heard anything since and he hasn't bothered to follow up on it."

Did he actually fax in the application or not? If he didn't, do it for him. If he did, dial the phone number for him, stick the phone in his face and tell him either talk to them for the follow-up, or you are leaving.

I know that sounds harsh. However, it's time to get harsh. If you have family you can go to, do that. Take away all the credit cards so that he doesn't have access to them, all the paperwork with numbers on them so that he doesn't have that to fall back on, and leave. When he realizes you MEAN it, he will go find one of those oil jobs. He has good experience and is willing and able to travel for his work. He needs a kick in the pants. Give it to him.

Dawn

I think it's time to realize he's waiting for his job to call so he can go back to work....he's just not going to do anything else.

So go ahead and get a job. It might make a difference to him or not but at least you'll have some independence. This might also make him realize how bad things are. He is probably going to get called back as soon as you get a job too. That's just the way fate works sometimes...lol.

I hope he'll get called back soon.

This is such a difficult situation to be in as a spouse. I am not going to weigh in about the possibility of depression, other than to say that it needs to be diagnosed by a professional.

Years ago my husband was in this same position (although the rehire didn't seem to be as possible). I went through many of the same things you have - follow up on when he will start looking, questioning why he wasn't looking, telling him to start looking & applying.

But what happens internally with our husbands when we act this way is detrimental to what we would like to achieve. Men like to be able to provide for their families, & when we question everything they are doing (or not doing) it chips away at their self-esteem. The natural response of anyone when that happens is defensiveness.

My suggestion to you is to take stock of where you are financially. What are your bills each month (mortgage, utilities, car payments/credit cards, groceries, etc.) as well as intermittent bills (insurance premiums, vehicle registrations, etc.)

Put this down on paper (I like to use Excel to organize & sum). Then, look at your savings. Your husband has been getting unemployment all this time, so your saving shouldn't be completely depleted. But you need to know where you stand.

Then, calculate out to the point when his unemployment will run out, & see just how long you can make it without income. This is your make it/break it point. And the unfortunate thing is, at this point, you have NO MONEY. So there is an urgency for SOME money to come in the door before this point in time.

Once you have all of this information, you need to sit down with your husband. Show him what you have put together, & walk through it. What it means that he is drawing unemployment now instead of working. What it will mean if he is not employed with a paycheck before the unemployment runs out.

Then, turn the question to him "what do you think we should do?"

And let him answer. If he says "I should have heard back from my company by then" ask him what happens if he doesn't. What is his "Plan B". ASK him, don't jump in & point out the problem you see with that approach.

The goal is to be collaborative in your approach. Let him know you are supportive of him wanting to pursue a course that leads to his ideal, but communicate that you need to feel secure that if things happen beyond his control, he has a plan & is willing to put it into action to make sure his family is secure.

One thing to make sure to discuss is the point where he will begin applying his plan B - looking for employment elsewhere. Because waiting until you have no money is not an option - there is a hiring process, from applying, to interviewing, to hiring, to first paycheck. Reasonably, it is about 1-2 months.

Make sure you are prepared to talk about your contributions - what will change financially if you take on a job. And don't just think about the money coming in, because if you are unable to make enough money to fully support your family, he WILL need to get employment as well, and there will be cost incurred for childcare. Other options - cutting out extras (cable, dining out, movies, etc.) and scaling back on necessities (if he is not working out of state, maybe 1 vehicle is sold, cell phones reduced to cheaper plans, etc.).

So, your purpose is to work with your husband, show your support of him, while also asking him to make sure you feel secure & cared for. Love is about give & take - sometimes we need to give of ourselves first before we can take what we need when it is offered.

Best of luck. T.

Okay, I'm sorry but depressed husband or not, he needs to follow through. It's time to stop worrying about sounding as if you're nagging and START NAGGING. He's in a much better position than thousands and thousands of people in this country.... he's skilled and he's in a field where there's demand and good pay. Yet he's not moving forward. If he won't motivate himself, then that's what wives are for.

I have no problems with encouraging you to nag and issue ultimatums but I warn you: do NOT issue an ultimatum that you're unwilling or unable to follow through with.

I also have to say that regardless of his saying to you that he'd rather you stay home than work.... he said that in the past. You know better than most that situations change in a heartbeat. You can't hold him to that, and hold a grudge over the likelihood of you having to also go back to work. That won't be fair. The rest? Oh yeah, fair game. He has a responsibility to his family. He's had five months unpaid vacation where the Feds have been paying the bills for him. It's time for him to get moving. He may not qualify for an extension on his unemployment benefits.

It's going to take months, maybe longer, for your family to recover even with two incomes. There's being supportive and wifely, which you can be, and then there's letting your world fall apart for fear of hurting his feelings.

the details aren't really relevant. the bottom line is, he hasn't worked for months, there are plenty of jobs doing what he does available, and you are broke, broke enough that you are going to find a job.

i would be livid. in fact i'm in a similar situation and I AM.

for my husband it took an ultimatum. i already work full time - so for me getting a S. job, when he doesn't even have ONE, was NOT an option. it became a deal breaker. once he realized i was serious he got moving.

i hate - HATE - playing the "ultimatum" card. it makes me feel like a complete manipulator. but honestly, there are just some things you can't do and expect to get by. NOT having a job and supporting yourself (not to mention your family) is one of those things a grown person just can't get away with for long. his time is up.

I think you need to sit down with him and lay the cards on the table. If he won't sit down and look at the budget, then tell him you want him to call a doctor because he seems depressed and one way or another the two of you need to pull up boot straps and get moving. The old company has not called him back and there will soon not be money for food on the table, a roof over your heads or basic utilities. If he absolutely refuses to look for a job or get help, then you may need to make a plan B, like taking the kids somewhere else while YOU look for work for yourself and a means to keep the family afloat. If it were me, I'd talk to him one more time and say if he doesn't do something, then you must and since you cannot support a family on minimum wage then you need to use other resources (like asking family for help). I think he IS depressed and won't admit it.

I would go ahead and apply for him and if he didn't follow through with an interview, I would pack his bags and throw him out. Sorry, it may be depression, but you can't afford to sit around and wait for him to do something or not. You are on the road to homelessness. Your inaction coupled with his is going to land your family in a local homeless shelter, if you're lucky, or under a bridge if you're not.

Get up tomorrow and go find yourself a job. Do not sit around being angry at him; you are an adult - act like one and step up to the plate!

Nagging??? You're worried about nagging???

Honey - you need a reality check and then you need to give him one. Homelessness is near. And you two are ok with it.

Who cares who did what or who made what previous bad decision. Can't go back and fix it, so let's only deal with the "right now" and what we can do to fix the "right now".

Go get a job. Let DH be a SAHM. But someone needs to save your family, and that requires action, not talking about it.

Or you can cry "disability" like lots of others and stay on welfare forever. Pays about $12k per year.

Well I had a dear friend who went through this and here is what she did, she just let everything fall apart. She is great at making these cupcake cakes, she can do Disney or whatever, and that is what she did for money to put food on the table and some gas in her car. There was no money for anything and everything was defaulting an she refused to do more than prevent them from starving. Of course they had clothes etc bc he had worked before. Anyway, one day their little girl twisted her ankle and there was no money so she iced it, stabilized it and that was it. Her husband came home and was like 'why didn't you take her to the doctor!!?' She said something along the lines of 'because dear, there is no money'. At that point he moved to another city where there was work, they later joined and now years later they are happy. So that's what she did, worked for the little money she could and let the chips fall. She always impressed me bc I thought that was so gutsy! Good luck whatever you do, really tough situation.

What would happen if you went back to work tomorrow (any kind of income, you could continue to look for something better) Could you get him to clean the house, buy the groceries, run the errands and take care of the kids, and do everything a SAHP should do?? It would ease him out of doing nothing and show him what a healthy parent does for family. and Yes continue pursuing getting him mental health help. If he doesn't pull his weight, you may have to make plans to kick him out. You can't make him be a man. sorry. maybe you could start training, improving your education and planning for the future, you can't count on him any more. You may have to be mother and father to your kids.

It sounds like he has developed depression. When my husband was at that point, he described it like he knew what he needed to do, but he could not force himself to do it. Look for a local cost adjusted counseling services in your neighborhood (don't say you can't afford it, you can't not afford it) and drag him there if you have to.

Your anger is normal, but won't help. What has started out psychological is moving into a physical state. Chances are he will need meds to jump start him back into normalcy. Good news is most of the more common prescribed are cheap ($4 a month cheap) and as he gets better, they will wean him off.

Do what you can for the family. That means a job, rebudgeting, and counseling for yourself (your church is a good place to start). If he chooses to get help, it will get better, but you cannot force him to that position. You can only present him with the opportunity.

I agree he has developed depression, despite his denial. I also think that if and when you work and he has to deal with being a stay-at-home parent, he might reconsider!

When I was laid off 5 years ago I was on unemployment for almost 2 years so check into how long he can really get unemployment. Technically, he might be eligible for an extension. I am not sure what the laws are these days but check into it.

Whether or not he also is depressed -- and he may be -- it sounds like he is living in la-la land in his own head: "I want back MY job, my one and only job, the only job good enought for me!" Yes, he may also be losing confidence, feeling he's no good any more, etc. but that is being trumped by the fact you are in dire straits.

I would line up a very detailed accounting of exactly where you stand this minute financially. How many weeks you have left until you default on your mortgage and foreclosure begins. How many weeks' worth of gas money is left. How many weeks' worth of food money. The date on which there will be no more electricity. And so in, in very gory detail and very simply and clearly laid out, with the actual bills attached. It sounds as if maybe you have already received a written notice about the utilities, right? Use a highlighter so he can't ignore the relevant cutoff date. (Tara proposed a similar idea of giving him a full accounting, I'm mostly saying add some real deadlines to it, so he sees that bills translate into drop-dead dates on a calendar and in real life.)

Then - when kids are not around and he can't say "I need to go do so-and-so" or whatever -- sit him down and use that ultimatum that another poster recommended. "If you don't listen to this and give this your attention, our next stop will be at the attorney's because I need to look at options to protect our kids and myself if you will not participate in our household finances." Then walk him through it all and explain that the situation puts you within weeks or months of losing your home; if you lose your cars, you won't even have them to sleep in when you lose your home; and if he's too proud to look for another job-- is he also too proud to go to a food bank for food? Because you aren't headed down that road in a year's time, you are headed there next month, quite possibly.

If you can do this calmly and say that you do believe he can grasp how serious it is, and don't make him feel belittled but tell him you know he can do this with you together -- you may get somewhere. I'm not talking here about just verbally telling him "we're on the brink" but about laying it out on paper with the dates on which you will lose your house, lose your cars, lose any income for food, lose your internet connection, lose your electricity, etc.... so he sees that these things are inevitable unless there is an income.

If he refuses to listen: I would see if he will listen to a third party (some men, frankly, will listen to a "professional" when they won't listen to their wives--sad, but true). Your bank should have financial planners who will work with you for free -- they do this for all customers at every bank I've ever seen.

Stop dragging him along. Go out and find a job yourself. Yes, you will be making minimum wage, but at least it will be something. If he's home... guess what? He's the stay at home parent. That means... childcare, cooking, cleaning, laundry, budgeting... the whole deal. My guess is that a week or two of that will motivate him pretty well.

I would also FORCE him to reapply to his old job. They called and told him to reapply, meaning that they will be rehiring soon and want him back. Fill the damn thing out and fax it back yourself if needed.

This is one of those times when you need to ask yourself... is this the hill I want to die on? Probably not. If he liked the old job and the old job wants him back... get his old job back and move forward with your lives.

Does he have a resume put together? If so, start sending it out for him!

You're scared. (Rightly so.)
Does he know just how scared you are?

Time for a sit down face to fave about long term plans.

It sounds to me like he's pretty sure he will get called back & that's why he's disinterested in looking elsewhere OR following up, for that matter.

Is it "in the bag" for sure he'll get called back? Has this ever happened before?

TALK to him. Not about applications or making calls, but about how very afraid you are.

I'll bet you are the "money nerd" and he is the "free wheeling" type about finances, right? You pay the bills, etc.?

Please read Financial Peace by Dave Ramsay.
Learn to live on less than you make, and SAVE when it's rolling in!
You do NOT need 2 car payments! Not when you're living on a shoestring with 3 mos. savings.
Good luck!!!