Ok so I have told you guys on my hubby loosing his job over a DUI in company truck, so its been like almost 3 mon. still no job, im really feeling he isnt worrying on a job right now, beacause he just wants to focus on school, well school isnt paying any bills, he has been going for 1yr. already and is contiuing his education futher for another yr. yet not even a job in the feild he is going for which is computer networking, but he was in construction field for yrs. and knows more on that, so i am pretty much fed up and am thinking on telling him he has to find a job within so many months or he needs to leave, what do you guys think, i have have nothing to loose anymore sense he caused all to go down the drain, he cant even pay for his schools loan, as well as the house,car, between his unemployment and what i make still isnt enough to pay much, his checks were 3x's more than what i bring home, so somebody please tell me what should i do, we are on welfare now as well, im just so fustrated this isnt fair to what he has done to our family.
ok so I guess apparently i have to be more specific on this, he wasnt a truck driver he was a forman, which he had a company truck with that postion,as well as cell phone, no he isnt getting any deferments on his school loans as a matter of fact he was told if his loan wasnt paid off by the time he acctually graduates he wouldnt ger his diploma, the whole school issue we discused and i thought it would be a better idea for him to go when some of the bills were paid off, like the credit cards which wasnt gonna be a long time, but he went ahead and just signed up on his own and didnt even tell me, so i was already upset at that cause that just added about $30,000 more to out debt, now the DUI nope no applogies on that still, his excuse was well his boss was a jerk sowas ok to pretty much do what he did anyway, as far as me only being in the relationship for the money imagin that ive been with this man for 17 yrs. ive put up with so much from him he has had problems with drugs and drinking like 15 yrs. ago so i though all the jail time and rehab helped well look what has happened now so oh and he has health issues as well as our son so how my hubby supposed to take care of it now with no health insurance thank god the kids get medicade, but as for me and him idk,i do no that im am not with him for money, oh and yes I do work as well, which i didntfor a good time but it was cause i was able to stay home and raise our son, i has to go back o help him because he got a pay cut, so much for that now, i am trying to be strong but i just feel he isnt sorry for his mistake and that he isnt trying hard enough to find a job, perfect ex. ad in paper for what he was doing before, he says well i really dont want to drive that way because it might interfear with his school, which he goes at night for
If you want him out you do not have to justify it to us. If you want to work on things then help him find work, but ultimatums will get you no where.
I don't know what you should do but I would totally be aggrevated at him.
are his grades great? He could mow lawns for cash and earn some money.
He could detail vehicles, work for a moving company on the weekend, etc..
Well, being a career counselor, I can tell you that construction jobs are almost non-existent and that isn't likely to change anytime soon because of the housing crash and the poor economy, but skilled computer people are going to be in demand for years.
That being said, I can see why him getting some kind, any kind, of job for now while he finishes school could be necessary (we can't see your budget, expenses, or debt to judge that).
But your post mostly sounds like anger over his losing his job. That's understandable. But what's done is done. His leaving isn't going to help your financial situation, is it? You've been threatening, in your posts, since August to kick him out. I guess if you can't work together to get through this, you might need to deal with it separately. But, what's your plan for supporting yourself and your children without him?
I am sorry but this whole post sounds like he was only money to you. I am hoping that wasn't what you were going for.....
It isn't fair but lets face it with a DWI in a company truck, driving is not a career option anymore. His only hope for income is school.
Whoa wait, back up the bus, his loss of job was only a couple months ago! You really think he can just throw something together in a couple months. Do you pay attention to the news!!! People have been unemployed for years, they wish it was only months. I don't mean to sound harsh but it sure sounds like something else is going on here or he really is nothing but a meal ticket to you. :(
My husband went to school full time AND worked full time...because the bills still needed to be paid. I think education is great! But you have to have a roof over your head and food in the fridge. It is not fair what he is doing.
And he lost his job for driving "drunk" on the job?? That's pretty bad. De-Nial ain't just a river in Egypt.
Maybe if he sticks his head in the sand, all the bills will magically go away. And incidentally, it's not exactly normal behavior to get drunk/drink on the job.
So you do what you need to do to take care of your family.
ETA: And don't listen to anyone tell you that driving isn't a career. There are truckers that go on to own their trucks and/or companies hauling what they choose because they make good choices. But he can't drive now, can he?--with a DUI on his record. Come to think of it, companies check records now and credit reports. He's shooting himself in the foot twice by ruining your credit too. The car may be repo'd but I guarantee you, he will never be able to escape his student loans. Lastly, it is often women that are more financially responsible than men--and Suze Orman would likely lay into you for putting up with what he is doing.
Okay you are an being thoughtless for giving him an ultimatum to leave under these conditions. He is going to school to be able to have a better career for his family, it would take twice as long if he got a job. I know many college students with families who go to school full time and don't work and live off of student loans and assistance. If he went to school part time, it would take double and it would be more difficult. I know, we did it for almost 5 years and it was very difficult. My husband worked and went to school, looking back, I wish he hadn't worked and finished school more quickly. However, eve if your husband got a job stocking shelves at Wal-mart at night, it wouldn't interfere with his school schedule and it would be something. School loans don't have to start being paid back until about 6 months after he graduates. If he is paying them now, he doesn't need to be and can call his loan provider and rework the plan.
Also, the average person looking for a job right now in this economy is almost 6 months! You all need to hanker down and be careful with spending... which is hard, I know, but it needs to be done. In order for him to be getting unemployment, he has to be submitting his job search details as well weekly. It's depressing for men who are unemployed, you need to be supportive, to get through this together. I understand you have every reason to be mad b/c of the DUI. I truly hope he has improved and learned something from this. However, be grateful he is getting unemployment... if he had been fired for job negligence, then he would not have qualified for it.
For now, my church offers free career counseling to people looking for work, including resume and interview help, network resources and so much more. It is open to anyone in the public. Perhaps you and your husband should both go, the resources are wonderful and can really help.
Go here for some of the resources:
https://www.ldsjobs.org/ers/ct/job-seeker.jsf?name=job-se...
information on the career workshop:
https://www.ldsjobs.org/ers/ct/job-seeker.jsf?name=the-ca...
and here to find a center near you:
https://www.ldsjobs.org/ers/center/find_center.jsf
.
G.:
I understand you are angry. Your husband made a bad decision that has jeopardized the family...however...it's not a reason to throw in the towel. You two need to learn how to communicate to each other.
You are ANGRY that he got a DUI. Got it.
You are ANGRY that he lost his good paying job. Got it.
You are ANGRY that he is going to school in a field that is not related to what he DID. Got it.
You are ANGRY that he is NOT employed.
Giving him an "ultimatum" is only giving you trouble. Most people don't do well with ultimatums.
I can tell you STUFF happens. You are on welfare - okay. So WHAT do you want to happen - him get a job? Can he with the DUI on his record? In the field that was allowing him to make decent money?
Even on welfare you can take control of your finances.
School loans do NOT need to be repaid while still attending school - at least that's what happened with my daughter. As long as she was in school, her student loans did not need to be paid...they were extended until graduation.
Go to the library and check out Dave Ramsey or Suze Orman. Also check into some communication books so that you can communicate with him in a positive manner and get on the same page.
You may need to consider getting a better paying job to step up. It's not always the man's job to provide. You both created the debt together and you need to work on getting out of it together.
His job was in construction. Okay...the unemployment rate is 9.1% nationwide. Can he get a job in construction that does not involve him driving a company car? If he was in trucking....well, he screwed himself good...trucking companies won't hire him for several years for that. And going back to that....there are people that have been unemployed for six months to THREE YEARS...
Your husband is being proactive - while not in the way you want - fine - he is working on a degree in a field where people ARE HIRING...computer networking? Yeah - people are hiring...ESPECIALLY for intrusion detection, firewall security, network security...so he is doing something...maybe you can TALK WITH HIM and suggest that he try for an internship so he can get the on-the-job training as well as a paycheck....you have every right to be angry...but you need to accept some of the responsibility as well...you made the debt too...and you are angry that the bills are piling up.
Get on the same page with him.
If you think he's an alcoholic - have him attend AA meetings. You can attend Al-Anon meetings as well so you can see the signs and triggers...
About the bills - get Dave Ramsey or Suze Orman - communicate with the lenders about what is going on and deal with them - don't ignore them.
There are solutions to your problems. There is no magic wand that will fix it and make it all go away. You need to find out what you can do...get your resume together and get it out there for people to look at - you never know who might be looking for you and paying you more! Anything is possible. Get over the anger and start working it.
i've never understood why people think they should do school instead of a job...yes, in the long run, it'll help (maybe), but making sure your family can survive is way more important. that would be something i do-- telling him he has a few months or he's gone.. he needs to contribute. (can he or does he get financial aid for school...instead of putting you in more debt? those student loans are awful.. i know i have a few and the payments are outrageous :(
Well for sure he needs to make a plan how to care for his family, this is not a good situation at all financially. I am sorry that he is down about getting a job and I don't know much to tell you there except to hang in there and try to talk to him about the whole situation when you are not like crazy mad. Show him what needs to be paid and ask how he plans to do it! I had a great friend who's hubby went through something similar and she just stopped paying things with the small amount of money she was making. One day he came home and saw their daughter limping and her leg in an ace bandage. He asked my friend what was wrong and she said the their daughter who was only 4 at the time, had twisted her ankle. He of course said 'why didn't you take her to the doctor??' She said 'bc there is no money dear'. This got his attention. It was so hard for her not to jump in and just make things happen, but she started just letting whatever had to fall apart, fall apart. I guess it worked bc they are doing great today and more importantly are still married. I think you have to think of a creative way, like my friend did, to get this off your plate and onto his. He has a problem that his family does not have the money they need to survive. But I do agree that a job loss is not reason to even consider breaking up. He is your husband for better or worse right? I mean if you gain weight can he tell you to lose it in a certain amount of time or get out? I don't think that is fair, unless there is just more to all this than you posted here. I don't think him being out of work a few months constitutes divorce or separation, marriage is about the good times and the hard times, together, work it out. Just my two cents there...good luck!!
That's great he wants to further his education but a lot of people work and go to school especially when they have a family to support! I would be aggravated as well. He's sounds very irresponsible getting a DUI and not supporting his family. He could get another job if he wanted one… it may not be what he wants but if this has pushed you into welfare he shouldn’t be too picky! I totally disagree with Jo W!
Hi G.,
Your husband has had his world rocked to the core as well.
I know this is a very hard time and things are snowballing.
PLEASE look into getting a used, cheap copy of O. of Dave Ramsay's books. You can learn what to pay & what to let wait.
People have gotten past roadblocks larger than this. You can too, IF you want to.
I understand he wants/needs some education, but there's GOT to be something he can be doing.
STOP and think. How much better would your lives be if you kick him out? Been said many times two can live as cheaply as O.. Ifyou kick him out--look for less money as he will then need an apartment, utilities, etc.
The whole point of making it super-sucky if you drink & drive is to BURN a memory in your brain so as to not do it again.
TELL him you're scared. TELL him you are not covering bills.
Your husband got a DUI...the bigger issue here, I think, is the question: IS he addressing his problem with alcohol? I hope so, he's got a lot riding on this.
Well, if his unemployment is that much it sounds like you need to think about supplementing it with a job yourself. If your family needs the income I say you could find a job too. It won't effect his unemployment at all and it would all be income since he is home most of the time.
I feel your frustration, but please be careful about throwing out an ultimatum. Usually it isn't a good idea. Most people don't expect to have to follow through on their end of it if the other party doesn't do what they are trying to get them to do. Are you REALLY ready to kick him out? Get a divorce ?
Not saying he shouldn't be doing some sort of work on the side... just be very careful about making an ultimatum. They often backfire.
Think this all the way though to the end. You have a good point about him needing to get a job, however, he is justified in going to school for computer networking. I'm sure he is tired of back breaking work outside in the weather. He is looking for a career change and education is the only way to do it. He will make more money and work will be more consistant once he gets into the field. If you leave him now, you make it much easier on him and much harder on yourself. He will get out of his responsibility to you and just have to take care of himself. You will end up burdened with more bills with less income. Then, he graduates, makes a ton more money, and remarries. Your only plus in that is he will have to pay more child support. If I were you, I'd be supportive of school and let him know that you need help financially. Wait this period out and don't do something you will regret.
Ultimatums rarely work- especially when in all reality you won't act on it.
One of you needs to increase your income and both of you need to decrease your spending. This isn't the time for him to be in school. He's not a single guy with limited responsibilities. He's a husband and father, so he needs to put his school aside for now and find something that will help pay the bills until a better job comes along.
School will be there in another year. If you keep adding to your debt, you will find yourselves in a really tough spot!
I would try and downgrade your lifestyle a little bit (do w/out cable and internet, etc.)and *try* and let him complete school. It would be the best option to get you guys out of the hole. Definitely think he should also try to find a part-time job around his schooling, too. I know you are feeling the stress...but your job as a wife is to love and support your husband no matter what. Forgiving someone is hard...but is necessary. This isn't a recurring thing is it? The DUI? It could have been a complete accident....? Just keep communicating -- tell him how you feel -- and try and see what he is feeling as well. Good luck. I wish you the best! Hugs!
