Pay Support or Not? - Nescopeck,PA

So....if hubby got a few large settlements, he'd pay more gleefully?
Poor kid.
Honestly, no wonder he's living with his gram.

H.,

First of all, you're not going to get nearly as many answers as you had hoped, because you have 2 posts with the exact same title. Many people will assume this is just a duplicate post like all those ones where new members click "post" twice. The contents of this post belong in the first one, either as an "ETA" (edited to add) on in the "So What Happened" section. Then people can read everything together rather than going back and forth between 2 separate posts. You've been on Mamapedia long enough to have seen this done by many other posters.

Secondly, it's best not to post a child's real name.

Finally, I'm a stepmother whose husband's ex did ridiculous things with support money, so I'm sympathetic. However, getting into a battle with a child who shuttles from none house to another because the 2 parents in each house don't agree is complete folly. You and your husband don't agree (you say you put the son "in place"), and the stepfather and mom don't agree with each other (same language). No wonder the kid is confused and has gone to live with one person, Grandma. Meantime, Dad and Mom are fighting about money. And you're still angry about money Mom got when the child was a baby??

Get off the money train here. Parents can't communicate, so use the courts to set up an enforceable support agreement. Your husband can file for modifications if he loses his job or request that the money go to the person who is housing the child. The mom understands this since she goes for increases. But the problem is, she is using her child to get information on Dad's work schedule. This is completely wrong and will screw this kid up forever. Meantime both families are teaching him how relationships should NOT be, because there aren't 2 adults in the mix who are agreeing or acting responsibly. Yes, the boy needs counseling, but the whole mix of you need family counseling to learn how to put your egos and selfishness aside, let go of past hurts, and get beyond the "turning tables" mentality. If your husband feels his ex is not reporting things, he can easily notify the IRS and be done with it. This resentment is going to eat you up inside, color your relationship with your husband and your stepson, and change who you are. I think parenting classes and therapy are indicated here. Or this child doesn't have a chance.

Follow the court order - do everything up nice and legal.
If it needs changing then have it changed - but do it through the proper channels.
Maybe the money is being used for it's intended purpose and maybe it's not.
Your husband's job is to make sure his son is taken care of - and that might mean he goes and buys the kid what he needs above and beyond what the court has ordered him to pay.
Your husband can track his receipts.
Maybe it's best the kid is living with his grandmother.
It seems the only thing his parents have in common anymore is fighting about money to take care of him - and that's hardly the best way to make a kid feel wanted.
If the kid needs counseling - then his father should see that he gets it - and it wouldn't hurt if Daddy paid for it too.
Like it or not - your husband helped bring this kid into the world.
Quit attempting to have a spite fest regarding his Mom.
You're so envious of her finances - it's really not good for you to be that wound up over it.
As far as parents go, it seems like neither the Mom or the Dad are going to make Parent of the Year.
I really feel sorry for the kid - none of this is his fault.
Both his parents have moved on and neither is dedicated to finishing raising their child.

You seem to be hitting maturity levels I thought only my ex could achieve. Like you are quite happy that your step son hates his step father as much as you because you can turn the tables?

Why don't you try being adults and actually enforcing the court orders instead of changing them all willy nilly and then going to the court to change the orders? All this kid wants is some stability and he isn't getting it from anyone. Grandma should have said from the beginning you can stay here one night and you have to go back to your mom's house in the morning. This is what functional people do.

Still I know there are differences in courts because laws are different in different states but the spirit of the law cannot be that different. Your husband does not have a court order saying he doesn't have to pay! He has a court order that says he pays his ex and that is who should be paid. When or if the court rules that grandma could have custody mom then owes grandma what was paid to her when she didn't have custody.

I agree with Mel that the courts are not going to look favorably in the lack of parenting all around and letting this kid just bounce around so maybe he will be forced back with mom. Yeah apparently courts can pull off what you four cannot. I disagree with Mel that this is a psychological issue, it is a parenting issue. A lot of teens run away to a nice safe family or friend's house to try to force their parents hand. That happens in intact families it happens in split families, it is what teens do when they feel they have no control. And oh look, you guys are so wrapped up in petty stuff like modifications that he is getting by with it. Good job there.

So where I differ from Mel is you need parenting classes, badly! Give that poor kid the discipline and stability he is begging for! And yeah, keep paying mom per the court order and let the courts sort this out!

This should really be in the So What Happened section of your original post.
That said...

It doesn't matter if she received a settlement from an accident, or inheritance (unless the settlement from the accident is ongoing as some sort of disability income in stead of a lump sump). It has no bearing on child support. Your husband could receive a large lump sum settlement for something and it does not change his "income"... which is how child support is calculated. Now, if he were behind in his child support, he could end up with a lien against a settlement in order to secure the already accrued debt. But otherwise... really has nothing to do with it.

So, I'm not really clear why you are mentioning that the ex/mom has received lump sum settlements from an accident, nor inheritances, and not claimed them (on taxes?). The only relevance I can think of is that you are ascribing to her a less than honorable character, who cheats on her taxes or something.
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I think the only thing that was misunderstood what which grandmother he is staying with right now. It's your husband's mom, correct? Not the ex/mom's mother.

No, I didn't misunderstand. He has to pay child support as long as he is ordered to do so. If mom still has custody it is her job to give the support money to where he is staying. Mom still gets support. If this is permanent and she is trying to give her custody/guardianship to another person your husband has the legal right to protest this and take custody from mom.

IF he and ex are both willing to give their rights to this other person and have THAT person be the child's guardian then both parents will be obligated to pay this person child support once THAT PERSON files for it.

Dad still has to pay child support to the mom even if she was married to Donald Trump. Child support is based on the dad's yearly income and if his income went up then he has to pay more.

Just think, if kiddo isn't still in high school when he turns 18 dad won't have to deal with this any more, so not too many more years dealing with this ex. I'd expect him to pay until kiddo is through high school but that depends on the judge at the time.

Wow - the fault is Jacob's. You put all the blame on him and everyone but yourself. I feel sorry for this kid.

If you love your husband, you will change your attitude.

you seem to be mistaking what you consider to be fair with what the courts consider to be legal. i certainly understand your wanting to 'turn the tables', but i also seriously doubt that the courts 'suggested termination' in that he should just stop paying. i'm sure that (if anything) they simply meant 'follow up on this so the right person gets the support.'
khairete
S.

At the end of the day, it's up to court to decide what he has to pay and where the money goes. He simply needs to fill out the paperwork and wait for the process to work. There's really nothing else to do. If he gets an modification that allows him to stop payment, then he does. If there is a subsequent modification that then orders him to pay again, regardless of where the support is going or where the boy lives (other than with you), then the effective date of that order is when he needs to start paying again. They will not retroactively assign support for the period that he was ordered to not pay.

Again, until he has a court order that stops his payments, he pays.

Just keep working with the courts, maybe they can set it up so the support payments end up going to Grandma.

Thank you for the more detailed update -- it really does help. You mentioned in the earlier post that someone official was going to force a conference (I assume between your husband and his ex) very soon, so it sounds as if the legal side is being dealt with by "domestics" -- right? If so, and if Jacob truly will not live in your household, then work to get the legal side formally changed so he lives with grandma; however, he needs to understand that the court will NOT look favorably on things if he ricochets among grandma's and mom's. If he's going to live with grandma, he needs to settle and do it.

I am so glad to see you mentioned counseling above. That was my first thought: The focus needs to be on some serious and immediate counseling for him because he sounds troubled, extremely jealous of his stepdad, and frankly quite manipulative as well, demanding mom do what he says or else. (Take care that Jacob is not being demanding toward his grandma too -- any chance of that? She shouldn't be used or feel she's helping him only to have him disappear one day.)

If mom rejects counseling, your husband may have to be tough enough to work with a court mediator to insist that Jacob get counseling whether or not mom agrees. It might help if dad says counseling will take place on "his time" with Jacob. That will not make dad popular with his son. Is your husband ready to step up and be the bad guy to Jacob for a while in order to get him some real help? I hope so.
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While this mess is going on, and the court is doing what it must, someone should notify Jacob's school (if school is still in session where you live) about where he's residing and the school counselor needs to know about it as well. The school will understand that things are in a mess right now--this kind of thing sadly isn't new to them -- and they will be better equipped to help him if he acts out, if they know the outlines of what's going on with him.

Sorry this posted twice -- that's never happened to me before and I'm unable to erase the duplicate!!

Thank you for the more detailed update -- it really does help. You mentioned in the earlier post that someone official was going to force a conference (I assume between your husband and his ex) very soon, so it sounds as if the legal side is being dealt with by "domestics" -- right? If so, and if Jacob truly will not live in your household, then work to get the legal side formally changed so he lives with grandma; however, he needs to understand that the court will NOT look favorably on things if he ricochets among grandma's and mom's. If he's going to live with grandma, he needs to settle and do it.

I am so glad to see you mentioned counseling above. That was my first thought: The focus needs to be on some serious and immediate counseling for him because he sounds troubled, extremely jealous of his stepdad, and frankly quite manipulative as well, demanding mom do what he says or else. (Take care that Jacob is not being demanding toward his grandma too -- any chance of that? She shouldn't be used or feel she's helping him only to have him disappear one day.)

If mom rejects counseling, your husband may have to be tough enough to work with a court mediator to insist that Jacob get counseling whether or not mom agrees. It might help if dad says counseling will take place on "his time" with Jacob. That will not make dad popular with his son. Is your husband ready to step up and be the bad guy to Jacob for a while in order to get him some real help? I hope so.
'
While this mess is going on, and the court is doing what it must, someone should notify Jacob's school (if school is still in session where you live) about where he's residing and the school counselor needs to know about it as well. The school will understand that things are in a mess right now--this kind of thing sadly isn't new to them -- and they will be better equipped to help him if he acts out, if they know the outlines of what's going on with him.

Sounds like you feel taken advantage of by a woman who is collecting money to care for your step son (husband's legal son), yet not caring for him.

In my head based off the info given, do what you legally can to get the money that is legally required for your son not go to a household not caring for him.

Not sure if the courts care about the new husband's inheritance. I am not divorced and just not sure how that is legally part of the son's care (does mean it is not).

I find it disgusting that once the money stops, she then tries to get him back in the house to get the money again. The son sounds like her meal ticket. I actually recall a mother who said "Now I have my own money to take my child out to dinner" when she got her first child support check from the bio dad. I was like "Nope, now your child has money to take YOU out." This particular woman is living off relatives and never worked or paid a bill, not even a gas or phone bill.