Passive-aggressive Ex Tormenting Son

I would have to say that after growing up with a father who was passive-aggressive, I think that your son will make his own decision about his father eventually. Yes, it hurts when a parent doesn't approve because no matter how old we are, we want our parents' approval.

That said, it sounds like you've raised an amazing young man (and there should be more like him in this world)...encourage him to follow his dream. If he ends up doing something he loves, it will show in the way he lives his life and treats others. To take on a profession to make someone else happy or to accept you will just make the light he is diminish and he would end up bitter and an unhappy mess.

It is sad that your husband cannot see who your son is and what potential his son has. It's sad that he cannot see beyond HIS wants and desires. What does he do for a living? Is he happy at it? Or is it a case of "misery loves company"?

I would say just talk with your son, explain that his dad loves him, but just wants different things and doesn't understand...he will someday or he won't but that shouldn't color your son's dreams. Don't say negative things about his dad, let him love you for letting him see his dad in his own light not yours (my mother did this for my brother and I and we know our dad loves us, he's just miserable and can't move beyond it himself)...just keep encouraging your son to do what he thinks is best for him and will make him happy.

As far as your ex refusing to pay for application fees, etc. I find that those things manage to work themselves out when it's right. Your ex will either come around, or your son will find a scholarship or other funding to help pay for the necessary things.

Good luck. and thanks for telling us that there is a wonderful young man about to enter our "adult world".

Hmmmm I really feel for you and your son. I'm 30yo and my parents were divorced when I was 3 yo. I had a touch upbringing when it comes to my dad. My mom raised me and my dad raised my older brother. I am now an adult and have a really bad relationship with my dad because of the same reasons you wrote about. My dad is a very opinionated, dominearing (sp)character. He feels like it's his way or no way, no one else is right and feels like he needs to PUSH it on you. (I don't really know how to explain it and I am probably not saying it the right way.)
I haven't talked to my dad in over 4 months because my LIFE is so much more better without his influence and his overbarring (sp) personality. I'm not saying that is what I recommend you do, to ex-communicate with him but OMG it has made my life so much more easier. I would just tell you son to do what is in his heart. If he (the dad) doesn't want to be supportive, than so be it. Your son will see through it and it will in the end make him a STRONGER person...honest. My mom has always been the supportive type and all she wants is my happiness. Her being supportive has been such an EGO booster in my life. Good luck!

the only thing i can suggest is to just do the opposite of his father and encourage, make sure he knows that its not about what you or his father want, its about what he wants and what will make him happy. and then when he becomes rich and famous, and suddenly his dad is taking a new interest in him, make sure he knows that just because its family, doesn't mean he owes his father anything, and to not let the guilt trips get to him because he has done nothing wrong.

You can't protect your son from his a-hole dad, but you can be a supportive loving mother. Kudos to your son for following his dream! Just keep telling your son what a great boy he is and encouraging him to do EXACTLY what makes him happy, regardless of how mean his dad gets. Your ex will end up regretting it if he drives his son away. Nothing you can do.

J.,

I want you to know that if his father finds this profession effensive to what he wants for his son. I think your ex is upset that both your children are following in your footsteps and not what their father wants. See since it's their choice to do what makes them happy and productive in society. I would not be the one to get involved due to your ex maybe still being upset of your relationship. It really has nothing to do with the kids, he wants some control and with your son going towards your direction is hurting their father. Maybe suggest that your son really sits down and talks to his dad about all of this rather than let him hurt your son with his words.I had something like this but my husband is the step-dad and that can be worse if the dad doesn't get involved. Have him at least try to discuss this situation with himall alone and let them try to work it out. Remember your son and daughter is doing exactly what you lo9ve to do and not what their father is doing or would have loved to be. Either or we can only do so much and if his father doesn't stop then he will only have you and always wonder why his dad wasn't there or care to be. In any situation that has to do with his growing years and life as well.But they do have drama and arts in those schools as well. Some can get him prepared for the arts school after.
I also want to thank u for responding to mine. You helped and I like this site to help all of us.

M.

So I guess by now your son is already in college somewhere and this answer may be out of date, but just playing devil's advocate here, your ex may be concerned about your son's ability to support himself post-college and is just voicing out his opinions in the wrong way.

In my stepdaughter's first year of college we were supportive of all her non-academic activities and it resulted in some very bad grades (such letters I have never seen on a report card before)! I wish I had stressed the practicalities of life a bit more (about how no one owes you a living and that you really need to work hard if you expect to have a comfortable life).

In any case we eventually did get strict and her grades have improved somewhat, but in your ex's defense, I feel he is perfectly within his rights to withhold tuition money if your son does not take a course which fits his parameters. Basic education is a right, college is not. If your son is as talented as you say he is, then he should get a scholarship.