Parenting Plan for Teen

Both of my sisters were divorced with teenagers involved. both of them intentionally set up their hosueholds within walking distance of the former spouse. In one instance it was my BIL's kids - hi sex-wife lived down the streetes so the kids basically had two houses to live in and when they were younger they alternated weeks. There was always lots of back and forth and some confusion about where their favorite shirt was, or hairdryer, homework etc. My other sister was on the opposite side of the same neighborhood - and her kids did the same thing - back and forth alternating weeks. In both of these situations it worked out becuase the kids didn't have to be driven to the other's house if they forgot something, etc. All of these kids are now grown up - soem are married with kids of their own, some are just out of college, etc and they all seemed to do well - becuase their parents didi what was best for the kids - not what was easiest for them.

On the other hand, my husband's brother has a situation where his child's mother moved about 45 minutes away becuse it was more affordable. So his child is at his house every other weekend and on thursday nights. His wife has to drive his child to school on Friday monrings - 45 minutes in each direction. His daughter is still only about 10 so she's still willing to do this back and forth thing. But I suspect as she becomes a teenager that will change.

The best situation for the kids (and lets face it the kids didn't ask for this divorce thing and it's the toughest for them having to go back and forth like yoyos) is for the parents to live within walking distance of eachother. It may not make the parents happy but you asked about what's best for the kids.

Doesn't that depend largely on your and your ex's personal circumstances?

If you don't want your daughter to suffer, then the ONLY thing that will work is to maintain a "family home" where you and your ex move in and out and your daughter stays put. I have talked to many teens of divorced parents and they absolutely HATE having to trade households. Especially for a teen, they are so wrapped up in friends and socialization that expecting her to leave every weekend or even every other weekend and miss all of the social events with her friends is not going to bode well. I know it's a hassle for you, but YOU AND YOUR EX are the ones who should suffer the hassle - natural consequence of your bad decision. After all, that's what we try to teach our kids, right? Natural consequences.

I think that at 15 she can make her own plan. Joint custody is a bad thing in most cases. If he wants to go on vacation you can so no, if your mom lives in another state and dies he can say no, the girl can't go. If she has a date and he wants to he can say no. If she wants to play basketball he can say no, just because he wants to be a hiney.

So I always tell people joint custody is not a good thing.

If she wants to go see dad every day and he says it's okay what can you do? Nothing because he has joint custody. If she wants to go move in with him? Nothing you can do.

So think this through. Is this really an amicable situation? Has he ever show any sort of animosity towards you? If so then when it comes to his child he's going to let it all out.

I'd say the daughter can choose when she wants to go and when she wants to stay home. Let her make up a schedule THEN you and dad sit down and look at it.

What does it look like? Is it reasonable? Does she give you both equal time? Does she have an actual home and a place to visit? Or is she going from one parents house to the other every other day or every few days?

She may find she wants one bedroom with ALL her stuff in it. She may decide she wants to be at "home" all the time and just go do stuff with the other parent, which you might be the "other" parent.

Still, you and dad have the final say. I'd say after you both look through the schedule she came up with then decide what's okay and what's not. Then sit down with her and go over it. Let her know why this or that won't work and what was good about it. Then settle on a modified version.

After that take it to the attorneys so they can mess it up...lol.

At 15 what does your child want? What works for teens is they live where they have for their whole life and visit the other parent when they want to.

Joint physical custody is challenging especially with teenagers if they are involved in any activities. Please please do not put this on your daughter to chose - that's not fair to her. She can have an opinion, but be aware that what she tells you may not be what she tells her father she wants to do (personal experience on that).
A set child support instead of "sharing expenses" is much preferred in my experience. If you share/split expenses then you both have to agree in order for her to participate or get anything. Example: You're shopping and she needs new tennis shoes for gym. You now have to community with him about what she needs and how much they cost. If she wants to play in a sport or attend a youth group activity - you have to consult with him about cost. Then either he's willing to pay half, she can't participate or its all on you.
I think having a primary parent and home is key. She lives with you/him all week and spends every other or every weekend with the other parent. But realize this can/will change with activities and jobs. Maybe one parent has dinner every Wednesday on the weeks they don't have them for the weekend.
And don't think that if you're amicable now that it will stay that way. My ex and I were amicable at the split. Then we weren't. Then we were. It goes back and forth. He moved to another state. Work out a custody arrangement that you can both live with and try to be adaptable and always keep her best interest in mind. Its a huge challenge to adapt to someone else's schedule and inconvenience yourself for an ex, but it will be better in the end.
It will be an ever-evolving thing. My kids are now 18 and 16 and we've been doing this for about 4 years and every year is different. They're great kids and doing really well. You'll figure it out