Divorce - One Home as 'Base' or Two

If you can't make the marriage work, then why should the children suffer. IMHO the children should always stay in one house and the parents move in and out. Yes, it could mean three places or someone has a room with a parent or a friend. I see it all of the time with my children who had/have friends with mulitple homes. They call everything 'my dad's', 'my mom's' and not their's.

Make it work if you can. The grass is not greener on the other side.

As a child of a divorce (which I'm guessing many are here!), it would be easiest for the parents to come and go and let the children have a set home if possible. I'm sorry that things are going so rough!

Ugh...my heart goes out to all of you.

My parents divorced when I was a teen. Everyone in my family is still suffering the emotions of divorce...even after all these years. Some kids don't talk to my dad. My parents don't speak to eachother at all unless they happen to be at the same place at the same time which has been about a handful of times in the last 25 years.(weddings,graduations,baby blessings etc) It is sad.

I did like going to "visit" my dad...it was sad that it was a "visit". Then he got married and I "visited " him and his new family. I even tried living with them...it was just plain sad because that meant I didn't live with my mom or siblings. WHen there are two houses you just never fit in at either.

I think it would be best for there to be one home. I see kids packing up suitcases and constantly going back and forth through the week. And, as they get older it gets hard when they are in school. I hear it all the time from teachers at school when I volunteer. THey openly talk about kids never having homework done at one parents' house, or parents don't know what is going on with events because messages don't get through in backpacks so kids show up without being prepared by "on duty" parent and then fights errupt between a triangle of parents and teacher. Ugh...

Ugh...I just feel so sad right now for your sweet,little babies. I hope the best for you. It has gotta be rough all around. Whatever you do...try to co parent well...attend some co parenting classes. Get prepared for a loooooong road ahead of parenting differently than if you are under the same roof. I wish you the best!!

I was just discussing this very topic with my best friend a few days ago. I think one place is home and they visit the non-custodial parent (and that parent can also visit them). When they bounce back and forth (as is typical these days in an attempt to be fair to the parents) it causes constant turmoil and never allows the kids to get settled.

One!! Would you want to be going back and forth between two?

I really hope that you and your husband go for Marriage Counselling and try everything possible before divorcing. I come from divorced parents and (from the child's perspective) it doesn't matter whether you share custody or they only see Dad every weekend or every 2nd weekend (or whatever other custody arrangement you agree to)! the ONLY WAY to make it easier on your children (if divorce really is the only option) is for you and your husband to NEVER talk badly about each other in front of the children, ALWAYS be on time for fetching and dropping off, AGREE on parenting rules (for example same bedtime, same discipline etc) and KEEP TELLING THEM THAT ITS NOT THEIR FAULT YOU LIVE IN DIFFERENT HOUSES!! Trust me, your kids WILL think its their fault and WILL try to "fix" things so you and hubby get back together. Reassure them that even though you and their Dad can't live together any more you BOTH still love them very much and will never abandon them. (Trust me, that's their biggest worry!) Good luck with your difficult decision.

Ultimately it will be whatever you can agree to. But to any friends who are considering true joint custody, with either switching weeks or doing 3 days at one house and 4 at another, I suggest that the kids stay in one place and the parents rotate and suddenly, switching back and forth doesn't seem so ideal anymore. I think it's best to have the kids in one place as much as possible. If the potential non-custodial parent disagrees, then I think the parents should try rotating in and out for a couple of months and see how they like it before pressing the kids to be in that situation.

If you believe that their father is a decent father, and not a danger to the kids, then I feel very strongly that it is better for them to have 2 home bases. I know that it's difficult, and that if you do what's best for you, then your kids would be with you most of the time, but it's not what is best for them (again, assuming that there are no reasons why they shouldn't be with him other than your feelings about him).

My first husband and I split up when our son was 9 months old. At the beginning, he would spend a couple of hours with his dad every other day because he was still nursing quite a bit, but as he grew, it got closer and closer to a true 50/50 split. Now he's almost 10, and he spends Mon and Tue nights with his dad, Wed and Thurs nights with me, and Fri-Sun alternates. His dad lives about a 5 min walk from us, so it's very easy for him to go back and forth -- if you're going to do this, it's important to live close together. Our son is very close with both of us, as well as both of his stepparents and all 4 of his siblings (2 at each house.) In addition, with things set up like this, neither of us gets all the "hard parts" of parenting like homework and punishments and driving him around while the other gets all the "fun parts" like weekend family time and trips. He has everything he needs at both houses, and both houses are truly his home. Occasionally there is something specific that needs to be shuttled back and forth, but in general it's only his backpack and school stuff.

We don't do child support -- we each contribute equally to a joint account from which we are reimbursed for our son's expenses on a monthly basis.(excluding room and board -- we are assuming that since he's at both places equally, that's roughly even, but for things like clothes)

It's an arrangement we worked out ourselves and presented to the judge when we went to court to get the divorce. She asked a few questions about if we really thought it would work, and we said we had been doing this for over a year already, and she agreed to it.

I know that this sounds harsh, but you're a parent -- you have to be a grownup about this and do what is best for your children, no matter how much it hurts. That means, unless there is a very good reason not to, you should do everything you can to make sure that they maintain as good a relationship with their father as they do with you, and get as much time as possible with each of you. It's important for them to feel like neither of you is abandoning them, and to know that you both love them. It's important to always put their needs first, never say anything negative about each other in front of them, and to learn how to work together and get along to the point where your kids don't have to choose between you when there's something important going on that they want you both to be at. It's important to be able to present a united front to your children, even if you can't stay married.

The last thing I have to say is that over the years I've had many people, professionals and friends, comment on how amazingly this has all worked out for Ira and how wonderful it is that we are able to do this for him. In my opinion, if you can possibly make it work out, it is truly the best possible solution to a bad situation.

I know it hurts -- at the beginning it felt like my heart was being ripped out every time our son went off with his father. But it does get easier, especially when you see how much better your kid is doing because of it.

Hi L., Neither is better. If at all possible work out your problems. Running A Home daycare I have seen up fromt many times what divore and count appointed visitation does to children, 2 and 4 are still very young and, these's no decission that will keep these children from mental and emotional distress. Passing children back and fourth from one home to the other is not as simple as it sounds, please for your kids sake work things out. look L. all marraiges go through hard times, go through their share of challenges, but the key to making it work is loving your kids more than you dislike one another, loving your kids more than wanting a divorce, loving your kids more than anything else. My husband and i went through our challenges when he retired from the Navy, it was bad, and our 13th year mark, but we had 3 kids whom we loved more than life itself, and the last thin g we wanted was to make our kids 3 more statistics of a broken home and family so we got help through a great church, and now our kids are grown and next Monday june 13th we will celebrating our 30th wedding annivarsary, had we quit, given up on our marriage we would have not only robbed our children of growing up with both parents, we would have robbed ourselves of what we have now and what we have had all these years, there is nlothing that can't be fixed, and there is nothing that c an't be forgiven. Sorry for the sermon, but divorce distroys lives. J.

As a child of divorce, (I was 13), 2 home bases is really really hard. We only saw my dad on weekends, maybe every other, can't really remember now, And to put it in perspective, Mom moved us kids out of the original house and dad stayed there, so staying with him was staying in the room that had been mine for 13 years. Without mom there, it just wasn't home though.

It was really really difficult and i can't imagine trying to bounce during the school week. I know judges can decide what ever they want. but as much stabiltiy as possible is ideal.

THis isn't a popular thought, and as a mom now, I would die not having at least partial custody of my kids AND my dad is/was great, but even with those two thoughts, I still wish my sis and i could have just had outings with him, not necessarily had to pretend to still live with him. Just my thoughts on that.

I'm dealing with similar issues with a 3 & 5 year old. They have not yet seen or slept at their father's apt, but I'm thinking it might be good for them to sleep there either Fri or Sat night every week. I don't want them to go the whole weekend b/c I don't want to be away from them for the whole weekend, at least not while they're so young. Currently, he spends a lot of time with them at my place (his old home) which is very difficult for me and makes me tense and stressed.

I really need some down time (away from the kids) to be able to process and heal from his sudden departure and remarriage.

Going back and forth during the week seems like it would be hard on the kids and they would never know where their favorite toy etc was, or remember whose house they were supposed to be sleeping at.

Good luck to you (and me)!

I have some friends who rent an apartment jointly with their ex-spouse that the children live in full time. The children are never shuttled anywhere. Instead the parents take turns living in the apartment (which of course is always fully stocked) when it's "their" time to have the kids. The kids never have to leave their friends or their school or activities. Each parent has their own home that they then go back to when their time with the kids is over.

This way each parent can even have their own bedroom and keep their own set of clothes there. Ground rules can be set up about who else is allowed to be there (no new girlfriend of dad's is allowed to stay overnight; mom's new husband isn't getting along with the kids right now so he should stay at mom's home, etc).

As a child of divorce, I can say do your best with counseling, etc. so that you can try to stay together if possible. BUT, sometimes divorce is the solution. The best thing is for the two of you to think of the children's welfare when making decisions.

Live close enough so school isn't an issue no matter where they stay; close enough so you can all participate in family events. My parents divorced when I was 10, but we were with my dad every weekend, and he was included in holiday celebrations at my grandmom's house.

I wish your family the best.

It really doesn't matter how often they are at your house vs dad's house. You should stress that they have TWO homes now not just one. If dad lives close you can always do a 3-4 schedule one week then a 4-3 the next week equally splitting the time. This seemed to work great for us until my ex moved to far away when my daughter was about 6. She loved it and it allowed us both to have some free time and time to keep up with the house so when she was with me or him laundry, cleaning, etc wasn't necessary and we could focus just on her.

Consistency is the most important thing and how the two of you handle everything. Make your kids the priority and keep things as amicable as possible. I have known couples who had 1 house for the kids and it was the parents who rotated in and out on the weekends, not the kids. Not the situation for everyone, but in the case I know of it worked out really well.

Think forward a year... do you REALLY want your ex dropping by your house all the time, having to leave your own home during the weekends, not being able to have company over, dad bringing new girlfriends into your house? Dad bringing friends and parents and his GF's kids over to your house? Aside from the invasion... think also of the mess, the cost of entertaining, the cost of having strangers over when the house is a mess (emotionally, unless you don't care about having to keep your house spotless all the time). There's also going to be (inevitably) some Disneyland Dad stuff going on. So things will be fun and special when dad is around... and you come back and spoil the party. Lovely. (As opposed to having special 'coming home rituals', you're the party pooper when they're tired and cranky from a fun day with dad).

With 2 homes when things are civil you can invite each other in... when it's ALL you can do to stay civil for 5 minutes you have a private space all your own to retreat to. There's only 2 logistics to arrange (drop off and pickup) not ALL the logistics of having people over to your home.

The majority of the 1000 reasons to have 2 homes are personal, YOUR mental health and well being and boundaries and pocketbook and time... (as well as his). Or you're just bringing the fight TO the kids. If the whole idea of divorce is not to have the kids constantly watching the two of you at your worst (angry, depressed, stoic, uncomfortable) and to move on with your lives... you need to make sure you're not just making it like staying in a dying marriage, but adding girlfriends and boyfriends.

But there's also kids' well being to consider (which of course you are, not saying otherwise, you're obviously wracked with trying to consider). Not only will you 2 be bringing a strained relationship ***to them*** each and every time you guys have to put on a happy face, but also the confusion of the kids on "But why does mommy have to leave if we're going to have a party?" The confusion as to why rules are completely and totally different in the same space (one reason why substitute teachers always throw kids for a loop is that rules change dramatically, even with the same curriculum). The confusion of the kids as to why they can't go with daddy where HE lives? Are they not welcome? Does he not want them? Are they not special enough, because he takes OTHER people to his house, why can't they? There's also the spin factor: Kids GENERALLY prefer to have 2 over 1. ((Heck, so do adults. Would you rather have 2 vacations, or 1? 2 presents or 1. 2 houses -like having a summer home/ cabin/ etc.- or 1?))

Neither way is easy, but one way is less hard.

There's a third way that's even MORE difficult in some ways, less in others, and that's THREE homes. 2 of which the kids aren't welcome at. A lot of my friends growing up griped that that was what THEY would have preferred, but the few who did were out and out miserable/ self centered (the world comes to them)/ and the parents were miserable (since they had nothing that "belonged" to them and them alone in the house they often felt like babysitters)/ had HUGE abandonment issues (because they weren't welcome at their parent's other houses). Some families I knew started off with 3 homes, but since they DID allow the kids at "their" houses, eventually it just became easier on everyone to have 2 homes.

___________

The thing is though... there is NO "One Right Way" for any family. If you're honestly considering the 1 home thing... TRY it for awhile. While my husband and I have been separated it's been *exhausting* to do essentially the same thing... and most of those I know have had the same experience... but just because that's what "usually" happens... doesn't mean it won't be the perfect fit for your family. It's a logistical nightmare with boundaries being crossed all the time, but that doesn't mean that it might not work.

__________
If you DO go with 2 homes... you might want to think about this less than ordinary schedule it's about 60/40

M-F w Parent 1
F-M w Parent 2

During the summer... switch.

M-F w Parent 2
F-M w Parent 1

Parent 2 picks up from school on Friday, and drops off on Monday. That way both parents stay active in the kid's educations (since they're both interacting with the teachers 2 & 3 days a week without having to throw a wrench in the works midweek, and homework that goes home, goes to school the next day, no 'but I forgot my backpack/ papers/ books/ at Mom's house)... have almost equal time... and the schedule is SET. The exact same thing happens EACH week... instead of "whose weekend is it?".

There are bound to be lots of opinions on this. For myself, my parents were divorced when I was almost 8. (Mom and my adoptive father). I think having one 'base' was helpful, but that's going to be worked out in your custodial agreement, and your husband's wishes will also be considered. Whatever happens, make sure your kids have extra playclothes and pjs, toothbrushes and some comfort items that might ''live" at Dad's house if they choose. For a while, we were having to pack up everything each visit, and it's hard to remember it all.

L., my heart goes out to you. I too am a divorced mother of two. But our children were 10 and 14. My daughter lives with me and my son with lives his dad. I know it's harder when the children are so young. But first of all you need to assure them that it is not their fault. Nothing that they did wrong nor their daddy. Don't ever speak bad about their dad in front of the children. My ex and I get along better divorced then we ever have. We just grew apart. If you can, try to get counseling. Try and make the marriage work if at all possible. What you do not want to do is confuse the children and disrupt their lives since they are so young. Swapping back and forth can not be good for the kids. I wish you and family the very best. Good luck in your decision. I will pray for you.

Hi Lillian- Im sorry that Divorce might be your answer. If that is the end result, my advise is to have the same routine for the kids no matter where they. I say this because my sister has had a hrad time with her 2 after divorce. They (her and her Ex) are not on good speaking terms. and he will do stuff just to make her mad. the kids are with him every Monday and Tuesday night, with her Wednesday and Thursday and alternate weekends. Dad will not make the kids do their home work. They have a different schedule at both houses and it has caused problems at school. Please try and keep open communication with Dad so the kids know they are loved! It will be very difficult at times ( know from experience with my husband EX) she will do the exact opposite just to make my husband mad... your problems should not be your kids problems. Good Luck with whatever happens!