Parenting My Step-daughter

I have heard recently that a child who is exposed to the Christian faith before age 13 is more likely to adhere to it's principles than those who come at a later age. She may take a turn away for some years because of the two messages she is getting but your God is bigger and more powerful. Expect for your faith to be challenged as you observe this little ones life but do hang on to the promises therein and speak the truth of the word of God in the face of what you see.........I pray for a miracle for this little girl that she will not have to infect her life with the wiles of world.........I will pray for her when I think of this situation. Statistics reflect the percentage is substantially reduced after age 12 or 13 for people to come to a faith of their own in Christ Jesus with the absence of exposure in those early years. Expose her to faith in Christ. It is the most loving and powerful thing you can do.

I have 3 step-daughters ALL 13-16 (teenagers) and I can tell you from 10 yrs plus of experience, there is nothing you can do to change the way they are taken care of in their home. In my experience trying to talk to the other mom has gotten me nowhere and in some instances made things worse. You are doing the best thing you can by explaining to your girls that things may be different at her house and just be persistant that when she is at your house there are ways she is expected to behave. Best of luck.

Your stepdaughter is ignoring you when her real mom and you are in the same place because she doesn't want to be disloyal to her real mom. Just keep telling her you love her and want her to be happy and it's OK if she has to keep proving her love to her real mom. She's old enough to get it and will be relieved that you know she really loves you and doesn't have to play games around you.
Remember, she's been told that that whole string of men, her mom's boyfriends, were wonderful and then after the breakup, told they were very bad people. I'm sure that woman is saying the same thing about your husband. She's being torn between her parents and is too little to either confront her mom or break away from her -- that'll come with the teen years probably. In the meantime, keep assuring her that you and her daddy love her very much and let her know that you know she has to keep pretending when both her parents are in the same place. Your consistent love will give her strength and stability, which she needs very much. Keep up the good work!

It sounds like she could really benefit from counseling. A good counselor can not only help her sort out her feelings, deal with the situations around her and behave more appropriately, but she/he will be able to help you and your husband learn the best way to respond to these issues too. Her school counselor may be able to recommend someone.

Laura,

As a fellow mom of a nearly 7 year old, I want to say that you are not alone in your experience of acting "older" than what would be expected/desired. As has been mentioned, kids (in my experience girls especially) are sponges and absorb a lot (too much?) from what they see and hear.

Is your step-daughter singled out in any way from the other girls? I think it is important to stick to your beliefs and principles. Having a solid family experience with you can be such a life-saver. Knowing that little girls try to emulate their mothers, it is not surprising that she is picking up some of her mom's behaviors and attitudes.

Because she will naturally look up to her mom, and identify with her, it may backfire to say anything negative about her mom. She may become defensive and pull away from you and your positive influence. By focusing on the most wonderful parts of her personality, ones that she is proud of, you can do a lot to help her develop her own self-esteem.

Good luck to you. It sounds like you are full of love for your family. They are all very lucky to have you.
K.

Laura,

That sounds like a very hard situation to deal with, but it also sounds like you're doing everything you can. My brother in law got a divorce about 3 years ago when his twins were 7 years old, and it has really effected them negatively. They used to be so sweet and mellow and now they are completely acting out. It seems like your step-daughter is also acting out. She is probably so confused with the two completely different life styles that change from week to week. It's nobody's fault, it is just the way it is.

Have you tried professional counseling for her. It might do her good to be able to talk to a 3rd party about all of her concerns. I'm sure she is very confused about who she is and who she wants to be like right now.

Good Luck to you- Just keep up the good work. Give her all the love she needs and keep being consistent. Kids need structure and limits set at this age.

M.

Hi, I applaud you. It can't be easy raising a blended family. Kids are like parrots, they mimic and copy behavior rather it's good or bad. And usually it's the ones they have the most contact with or are starving to be close to. So one way to try to curb any unwanted behavior could be by figuring out someone else she admires or look up to. Girls her age even as young as 6 start having other influences like from school, church even tv stars. If you can figure out what she gravitates to and her interests, then you can pick out all the possitive influences out of her lists and make goals together. Example a tv child star, that you approve of. She can tell you what and why she likes that character. And if you know what she wants to be and her interests then you can set goals for that. And influence her to model herself and image in what she wants to be. Granted it can change from day to day and all girls are not the same. But a lot of simular topics are common for girls her age. Like being a vet, teacher, cheerleader, doctor, nurse etc... Even if she says cheerleading like the NFL. You can use the possitive aspects of that like most of them have college degrees and are professionals. I hope this helps with different ideas. God Bless.

I can completely understand where you are coming from. I am the step mom to a four and a half year old girl. Her situation at her mom's house sounds extremely similar to your step daughter's. What I try to always do is constantly let her know how happy I am when she is with us and how special she is to me. I shower her with love and attention when she is with us, something she doesn't get enough of with her mom. By doing this and also accepting her as she is I have earned her respect. As a three year old she used to throw temper tantrums to get what she wanted because that worked with her mom. I never gave in, but still reinforced how much I loved her and how special she was to me, even though I did not approve of her actions. Over time she began to understand that although I loved her, I did not love the way she would act at times. She has learned that that type of behavior is not acceptable in our house and by acting out in such a way she was actually denying herself my attention (but not my love). I have also worked towards teacher her better ways of conducting herself, actions that we can be proud of and that she too can be proud of. You need to show your step daughter that there are better, more productive ways of conducting herself and reward this good behavior.
Hope this helps.

E.

Counseling might be helpful. Individually for her and all of you as a family. I have a now 17 year old step-son who sounds very similar to your situation. I didn't come into his life until he was 11. By then the damage had been done and has been very hard to deal with. He listens to nothing I say and we get along horribly. For my sanity I am thankful he is graduating this year. All I can say is try to do something now while she's still young. The sooner you can do something the better. If you wait until she is a teenager, it will only be worse. I wish you all the luck in the world and all my prayers.

It makes me wonder if you step daughter even realizes how she is acting. You and your husband should sit down with her and talk about the difference in attitude in her when she isn't with you, but sees you and won't have anything to do with you.
1- it could be out of obedience to her mother's wishes, or 2- she could just be acting like her mother out of love to mimic her, as her mother has taught her maybe without even knowing it.
One strong reminder is to never say "well your mom actions are wrong and she is telling you to behave in an evil manner"
because although her mother is wrong, it won't help to have something like that told to the mother thru the child.
If it is obvious every time you are around the mother, the Dad should talk to her. I'd advise you to stay out of that part of the situation, because the 7 year old isn't just doing it to you, but her dad also.

Remember that Jesus was not a respector of persons, holding one in high esteem above another, whatever thier lifestyle. This might be a good time for that lesson from the scripture, not even mentioning the 7 year olds behavior directly, but asking them how they react in thier own different situtations. Sounds like they are old enough to understand. The Lord is faithful to reveal things to your childrens heart. He loves them even more than we do, even if we can't imagine that.
Always bath it in alot of prayer! That always helps! Not only your step-daughter, but your own shoulders will feel lighter!

Blessings!

Your story sounds similar to my sister's. Her step-daughter has a single mom who insists on having her relationships turn serious early on (to the point that the children are encouraged to call him "dad") and then when they break up the children are suppose to "hate" him and not allow him to be involved in their daily activities. The thing my sister has done is make it clear that her dad is not going anywhere. That her dad loves her and no matter what happens he will always love her and be there for her. Her step-daughter also has body language that is inappropriate for her age and again my sister encourages her to believe that she is special without "sexy body moves" or "being physically attractive" to others. She frequently will say things about how skinny she is and that she can't get fat (the child is 9) so she clearly has some twisted views one what a women should be. My sister consistently complements her on her intelligence and other traits/gifts that have nothing to do with her physical appearance. She doesn’t know what the long term affect will be. Maybe she will grow up and realize that there is more to her than her body and physical appearance, or her mother’s example is stronger and she will become a hootchy. My take, girls get there self-esteem, frequently, from what they look like and all you can do is constantly remind her that she is special in so many other ways.

Wow, reading your situation made me feel like I was looking into my life!! I have 3 step daughters. The oldest is out of the house and with her mom completly now. That just changed from us having her all but 4 days out of the month. She is now 17 and has the attention from her mother that she so longed for. Hope she does well with her life. My other 2 step daughters are 14 and 11 (6&9 when I met my husband). The situation with their mother is crazy. They hear things that their mother says and names she calls us. She recently tried to take custody away from my husband so they were hearing things like "going to your dad's is just temporary". We have them exactley 50% of the time. When they come back from being over there, the younger of the 2 always is more snotty, "back talky". She also does things that she shouldn't be doing (Ex. screwing the knob to turn our lamps on off while trying to turn them on, walking away after told to do some of her chores & writing what to do down, then coming back a few minutes later and asks what to do again). Things have been hectic for us, with her oldest sister moving out to be with the oldest's mom and having those 2 women start talking to eachother and trying to get the girls together). There is more to that part of the story, but the 2 mothers of my step daughters never talked before everything. Anyways....with my youngest step daughter, we tell her over and over again how the rules at our house are different and she is expected to knwo the difference. We have also talked about a child counselor for both girls to talk to. Someone outside the equation that they can tell whatever they want to! Although my middle step daughter and I have a very close relationship and she talks to me about a lot of things. My best advice is be patient and be a good supportive role model for her. It is a battle with the other mother's that will never end. Be strong! Don't ever let the girls hear you say things about the other mother either. Whatever you say, always transposes into something different. Good luck!