Disciplining a Teenager

Oh, my, you have said a mouthful...and it sounds very similar to my story. My husband's ex isn't remarried; she's convinced that I'm the one who's keeping them from being a family, and she's taught her son that. Needless to say, the little bit of time that we spend together doesn't seem to be enough to make any real changes, and we usually notice a temporary difference. I've had to be very careful about how I approach my husband with suggestions for his son because I don't want it to feel like a personal attack on his parenting. (Because he grew up with little to no parental supervision and turned out to be decent and loving and productive, he's not comfortable enforcing discipline in his children. Of course, I am a pretty strong disciplinarian--though lots of fun--so that makes me the wicked stepmother.) We've had to bring in third parties to modify for his age certain techniques. The fact is that this boys' biological parents have failed to give him certain tools, and they are now seeing the results of that, and it's heartbreaking.

If your husband is open to your suggestions, then I think that it's okay for you to touch on what you see as the root of it, only to show how it looks when you start out in a certain way because at this point whatever you do will have to be more concentrated because you have less time to make it stick. It's like he'll have to be untrained and retrained, if you will. It's beautiful that you have your husband's support in that.

I can refer you to a therapist who specializes in the challenges of teenage boys in today's world. He might be able to offer some guidance for some of your ideas.

Hi,
I'm 46 and in my second marriage.
I have a 26 yr old son from my first marriage and a 16 yr old from my second.
All in all with all my experience in ups and down falls.
I would say that the child that is acting out.
needs one on one time.(consistent) something he knows to count on.
Just as much as he needs to be included in family events.
He needs to be asked his opinion on matters.
And his opinion be respected.
You need to get creative on things that will be showing him s, but also paving a way for his love of life and dreams.
Like for example if he loves art, take him to a local art museum.
Or if he loves games,help him get a job at Gamestop.
Anything to boost his self esteem.
He's lost between families.
How would you feel?
Is what I ask myself all the time.
Hope something helps.
Sorry about my typing, I can't find my glasses. ")
Lynn

I can't give a lot of specific advice, but just wanted to say I can relate. My stepdaughter is grown now but it was hard to sit by and watch a lot of things her parents did that I did not agree with. I had to realize that I could tell my husband my two cents, but know that what her parents said came first, I was secondary. Luckily all turned out well, and with teenagers no matter what they will go through times of rebellion so it may or may not be due to how his parents are handling it. Please know you are not alone and that different people handle things very differently, and in some ways as a step-parent, you are kind of powerless, other than giving your advice. So step back, do what you can but realized what you can not change and let it go. But to ease your conscience, I would tell your husband what you see as the problem but in a respectful way. Of course if something is truly neglectful or abusive, I would say it more sternly and seriously, but if it is just a parenting style, you have to let his parents handle it their way for the most part, to help keep yourself sane.

By the way, I was/am not always able to take my own advice, it is much easier to say from the outside than it is to do, so good luck!

It sounds like there is a lot going on with your step-son. Another responder commented that he may be feeling pushed aside; and I'd have to agree with that. Your step-son may be wondering where he fits in with his mom and her new life right now. Is his mouthing off and additude toward you and your husband as well? If not, then I think this issue needs to remain between he and his mother. You and your husband should make sure your step-son knows how much he's loved and welcome at your home and how interested you both are in his life. However, if this is spilling over into your home then I think maybe changing how you and/or your husband approach a situation may help your step-son open up a little more and could help resolve the issue.

I'm re-married and have a 9 yr age gap between my children and sometimes go through something similar with my oldest child. A friend of mine suggested a book called "Parenting Teens with Love & Logic". To be honest, I thought my friend was nuts and I thought the book was a bit on the corney side! However, the more I read the book the more it made sense. I became more aware of how I approached conflict with my child and have made an honest effort to change my approach to a situation. Our home has become more peaceful and my husband and I have been able to resolve a situation more quickly and calmly that before. Read the book. It may help you as well. I'm sorry I couldn't advise you more.

Good luck!
A.

Sounds like he's feeling pushed aside with two new babies in the house, and who can blame him. He probably gets very little attention at mom's house now.

Is the option available for him to come live with you guys? It sounds like your husband has more influence on him than anyone and that might make a huge difference in his life to have his dad there, all the time.

Pick the battles carefully.You can't make your husband spend more time but you can.What if you tell your step-son how much you enjoy spending time with him.Also teenage years are weird period.Rules are rules though and we all have to follow them.Try to intervein maybe as a friend /step mom to him.I have two teens and Iam the cool mom but the mom who dont play either when it comes down to the rules.Try it some time maybe there can be some type of goal to reach with possitive behavior at home with mom.He possibly feels overlooked with the new kids and all.It seems like he wants attention but dont know how to say it. Good luck and dont give up.