I kind of feel like i'm the only person on the planet who was pregnant and didn't marry the biological father. I know this is not the case, but sometimes, it feels that way. My husband is a wonderful father and a very loving supportive man. However, I have found because of his upbringing he has a lot of difficulty at tikmes with being a dad and a husband. I think being a mom and wife is the most important job ever. It is great to stay at home with our daughter. Though, my husband is the bread-winner and he has a different kind of stress. How can we meet in the middle, and leave the frustrations behind? Any suggestions would be very helpful....
I also would like to say that, my recoupperation from the pregnancy has taken longer than expected, and that causes stress and strain too...
OK, gonna explain a little further, my husband is an only child. He never spent time around kids his age or otherwise. He is very dedicated to his job, but does not communicate well at either home or work at times. The frustration comes when we don't have patience with each other. The hard part is if we get frustrated with our child. She is 1 and has no clue abt right and wrong yet. How do we just breathe through things? Is it abt patience, or is there something more.
My health problems are an issue. I have been in physical therapy for over a year after the pregnancy. It is very stressful physically and otherwise. So, frustration and stress can turn to anger and irritation. How can we avoid this? I love my husband and he love me. How can we learn to show that in a more positive way? Any advice is always helpful....
Hi Everyone,
I just want to say thank you so much for the fantastic advice! I love this site! I have recently reccomended it to many friends. Anyway, back to what happened...
My husband and I have really increased our communication. We have begun to discuss issues before they fester and cause anger or frustration. We have also realized that we both have very different views, but compromise is not impossible. For those of you who suggested praying as a family, we do that daily now. It really helps us keep our focus in the right place. We now have much more energy, and less negativity. But perhaps most importantly, we are being more patient with eachother, other people, and our child. We are really listening to each other, and not just hearing it, but using what is said to build new skills. It is making for a much happier marriage each day. We are now actually beginning to try for a second child. It is such a blessing each day to be home with Sarah. I am so thrilled that I can do that! Again, thank you for all of the wonderful suggestions.
Blessings,
K
Hi Katherine, sounds likes the typical man! Starting out is always dificult because it's a life change! Having a baby is hard on everyone! Mothers and the fathers love their new baby but it's a stressful and hard job starting out! Hang in there, it will get easier. Think about counseling to help you guys communicate better!
Katherine, we can only use the tools our parents taught us, everything else we need, to do it (life) better, we have to learn on our own. Since you are both Christians you already have instruction at your fingertips in the bible. Since the only person you can fix is you forget about trying to fix your hubby. That's God's job. A book I read that really helped me was called The Excellent Wife. What also helped me learn more was marriage counseling with our pastor. I thought I knew how to communicate well but I learned how much I really didn't know. Sure I knew how to tell him exactly what I thought & felt, but what I wasn't doing was listening (with my heart & not just my ears), also to NEVER assume anything, never fill in words for the other person & always say,"So what you're saying is......." This took so long for me to learn.
There are a lot of other really great Christian books out there on the subject too. Hope this helps some.
my first child was 7 months when i started dating my hubby. i know how you feel. we now have a child together. first of all, never go to bed angry. if there is an issue, talk it out. no matter how long it takes. the lost sleep is not as frusterating as being hurt or upset at your spouse. I'm sorry is a very strong sentance. even if you are'nt at fault, it doesn't hurt to be the first one to say i'm sorry. second. you're a christian family, say a family prayer nightly. with the child send her to bed happy. if she got in trouble right before bed, who ever punnished her has to kiss her good night and tuck her in. this will help her know that yes she did something wrong, but mommy and daddy still love her. family up bringings are a touchy subject, you can't change that, but now the family is you, your hubby, and your child. its not gma and gpa or aunts and uncles any more. i hope this helps,
if you want to talk to me don't hesitate. its nice knowing i'm not the only one in this situation.
It feels funny to give advice to someone I don't even know,but oh well you asked.
Communication is one of the biggest keys to a relationship,if its not there then your next step would to have a conversation on how to implament it.He might be resistent but this is a partnership and this is what you both signed up for.You could also take it to the next level and right lists on what eachothers needs are in the relationship,review together and see whats missing.Needs in a relationship are always changing especially when kids get involved,this should happen regularly.Passion,romance,sex,ect. should also be a part of that.Do you two have date nights?
Now when it comes to disagreements,sometimes the best solution is to walk away for a few moments or as long as it takes to cool of.Its hard but a moment does wonders for the thoght process and it might keep someone from saying something they don't mean.You walk back in with a rational thought process.What I feel we all tend to forget is there are two different people with two different thought process and sometimes we need to agree to disagree.You knew exactly who eachother were when you got married.
I'm unaware of your condition so I'm limited on how far I can take this,and only knowing part of the story this is as far as I feel comforitable going.
I'm no advicate of the perfect relationship but my husband and I do have great communication,good and bad.Trust me we'realways working on this thing called marriage.
Good luck and dont hold back your communication skills,help him with his.
...A.
I definalty recommend the book The proper care and feeding of husbands-that book saved my marriage.
Write letters and if one of you is frustrated with your child, let the other one hang around while the frustrated one calms down...
A one year doesn't know any better and anger won't teach them right from wrong.
It is a blessing to be a parent and it is the trials that teach each of us. It is also about maturity. That comes as experience comes. Patience is definitely a key, but here are some of my thoughts. You should not concentrate about what your husband does right or does wrong. You cannot change another human being. He should not concentrate about what you do right or wrong. He cannot change you either. The only thing you guys can do is pray together often. Know that men are not created to be like women and women were not created to be like man. That is why we are meant to be 'together'. One has strengths that the other does not and visa versa. We are 'yings' to each other's 'yangs' so to speak. :)
Just keeping family values and attending church and having faith will be the biggest strengths you two can have for your daughter. Also, do not excuse bad behavior as an age appropriate thing all the time. Remember...you are the 'teacher'. She has to learn from you. :)
I hope that you guys can get past the frustrations of the world. That is Satan trying to lead you away from the most important thing to God's Kingdom and that is Families! If he destroys relationships, Satan feels that he has hit God right in the knees so the Kingdom of Heaven can't stand strong. We need to recognize these things and stand strong no matter what and do so in faith.
Happy Parenting! It is never easy, but it is sooooo worth it!
Read some books to help you change your view. A book that I have loved is "The proper care and feeding of husbands", it puts things into a different perspective..not just your marriage, but about life. There are a ton of books out there. Sometimes we just need a different outlook.
I can sympathize. I am married (though separated and working it out) to a guy who is an awesome dad now. He too didn't have a row model of a father, leaving his grandpa to fill in, and his mom (MIL) wasn't all that great either, had anger problems, and he always felt rejected and looked down upon. Sooo...DH is not the most gentle loving being. But he's got a good heart. We split up when DD was 7 months. He couldn't take the pressure of being a new father, working 12 hrs a day (and having a wife who wanted to do things and parent in a way he had never heard/experienced).
For him, when he comes home he seems to need 'me' time, and then he's ok. I didn't understand it at first, because if it was me, I'd be "give me my baby" but he needs wind down time, also because of the nature of his work.
As partners, we need to understand how our SO express their appreciation. For some, (like my DH) sweetness, words, etc are really hard, heck, he normally doesn't even kiss goodbye. His way to show us he loves us is by working hard, by providing, by 'taking care' of us.
HTH
Hi Katherine. I do have to say that I agree being a wife and mom are the most important things in the world! My husband is a great dad but not so good at the husband thing. His dad split when he was 2 and gave up all parental rights. His mom never re-married, thus my husband had no role model of what a loving husband-wife relationship is. He is also the breadwinner of the family and is usually too tired when he gets home to do much of anything. He also seems to take on more work then he needs to. He was married before and his ex had cheated on him. They had a son who is now 6. I think all of these things keep him focused on what he has to deal with. We have been seeing a couselour to help us communicate better. All I can say is hang in there and try to talk about it. My husband says he finds it helpful when he can just vent to me about stuff. If he won't talk, just let him know how much you are greatful for him and his love.
Hope this helps!
K. W
I'm not quite sure what you are asking?
what frustrations need to be left behind? and what do you need to meet in the middle about?
hello Katherine. when i read the first line of your post, i was going to say "me too!" i didnt marry my baby's father...we are together but not married. i guess my point is that there are a lot of different families...
anyway, my simple advice is to meditate each day. try to find time to be aware of yourself and your body and mind. go inside. be quiet and still. i find that a lot of the negative things i say to my partner are from my physical ailments and discomfort. when i take the time to recognize what these are i realize im not mad at him, just in pain. exercise helps too...but the awareness that comes from meditation is more valuable for your emotional health and wellbeing.
then theres also just - awareness. being present. with yourself AND your partner and daughter. it seems overwhelming to think about just "being a better wife and mom", but if you truly are mindful in each moment, EACH time something comes up, you realize that you are more than capable to make that moment filled with Peace and Love.
My partner always reminds me: the opposite of Love is not Hate nor Indifference...it is Fear. what are we afraid of? what is blocking our path to Love? (the answer is different for everyone)...i hope this helps...
I would suggest family or marriage couceling! Good luck!
OK I decided to take a look at this site at your request. This may seem a little strange since I am probably the only one who is responding that knows you and your situation. One thing do not try to change your husband that is a mistake that most women make. One thing my husband and I have realized is that as long as we keep doing the right thing it will all work out.
I USE TO WORK FULLTIME WITH MY FIRST BABY. I SO REGRET THIS. WHEN MY FIRST DAUGHTER TURNED ONE I FOUND OUT I WAS PREG.AGAIN. I TOO WAS PUT OUT ON DISABILITY CAUSE OF SOME PROB. I AM A DENTAL ASST. ALWAYS ON MY FEET. AFTER DELIVERYING MY BABY I DECIDED TO STAY HOME. I ONLY WORK PARTTIME TEMP. MY HUSBAND IS VERY SUPPORTIVE OF THIS AND HE ALSO AGREES THIS IS THE BEST THING. YEAH MY HUSBAND IS NOT 100% HANDS ON BUT I MAKE HIM HAVE TIME WITH THE KIDS. EVEN IF ITS JUST ONE DAY A WEEK. WHILE HE IS WITH THE KIDS I GO OUT. I WALK AT THE MALL OR I GO OUT WITH THE GIRLS. YOU ARE OWED THIS TIME. YOU NEED IT TO STAY SANE.THERE IS TIME I GO CRAZY I AINT GONNA LIE BUT IT'S SO WORTH IT. I GREW UP IN A HOME WHERE THERE WAS NO MOM AROUND. MY FATHER I NEVER KNEW OF HIM. I WAS IN ALOT OF TROUBLE GROWING UP. CAUSE KNOWBODY WAS AROUND, AND I DONT MEAN PETTY THINGS I WAS IN IT DEEP.SO IM SPEAKING FROM EXPERIENCE.DURING THIS TIME AT HOME I DID KEEP UP WITH MY EDUCATION. I GOT A REALESTATE LIC. AND NOW EMPLOYED WITH A COMP WHICH ALLOWS ME TO STAY AT HOME FULLTIME AND WORK WHEN I NEED TO. TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE TIME AT HOME AND LOOK INTO SOME TYPE OF EDUCATION THRU THE MAIL.
I highly, highly, highly recommend the book The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands. I thought I took pretty darn good care of my hubby, but a friend of mine got the book and would not shut up about the great impact it had on her marriage so I figured "why not?".
Just the fact that I BOUGHT the book had an immediate impact. My hubby noticed it on my nightstand and starting sporting an ear to ear grin - he just LOVED the idea that I was willing to put some time and effort into reading something that might make him happy. In some ways, this was a hard book to read (because I found out I wasn't taking quite as good a care of my husband as I'd thought) but it was worth it. Just doing the little things (and easy things - like making a batch of coconut macaroons (which I don't like, but he LOVES)) suggested in the book made my hubby really happy. And the happier he is, the happier he wants me to be. It's been over a year and we're still really focused on making each other happy.
