Being Submissive, Compassionate to My Husband

You may start by looking at what you say. You said you are the breadwinner and then go on to say he works full time. You are then both breadwinners you just happen to make more. If I had to put up with that I would have issues with you as well.

You don't need to be more caring or submissive you need to learn how to respect him.

My motto has always been, I don't need a man. I'm going to be with someone because I love him and want to be with him, not because I need him. I think if he understood that you made a choice to be with him that may help him to understand.

Start asking his opinion on as many things as possible. Don't ask if you you wouldn't be willing to do whatever he thinks, so start small. It will help you build trust in his decision making, as well as make him feel respected (men's equivalent to feeling loved).

We are in the same boat - my wife is a doctor so she makes the lion's share of the family income, but I have a job too that I work part-time when our 2-year old is in preschool. The thing about our marriage is that no one person is in charge. We each have our duties and responsibilities and we each contribute to the job of being married and having a family. This is a hard concept for some men to understand because for so many generations it was the man's job to make the money. What you have to be careful about is now that you are the primary wage-earner, not to be bossy around the house. Just remind him that you didn't marry him for his money, and it takes more than money from each of you to make a good marriage and a happy home and family.

**In your post, you did NOT say that your Husband is telling you... to be submissive. You simply said he said- that he does not feel you "need" him.
That is a big difference.

... oh boy.

You said you do need him because you don't want to be lonely... and wanted the other things that a married couple should want and do together.
Okay. But anyone can fill in that spot.
But do you want HIM?
That is the difference.
If you are just with him because you don't want to be lonely, well he probably feels your vibes.

Being a wife does not mean being 'submissive' or 'needy.'
It means, having a relationship, with your Spouse. Of which, there is give and take.

I am totally a strong minded independent woman. Raised that way by a Dad who believed girls/women can do anything.

My Husband, well he likes that about me. But sometimes he feels I can do anything without him. Which I can.
BUT... he is my Husband. I chose him and he I.
For that, you need to respect that. The relationship.
The person.

Learn how to be, vulnerable.
Learn how to ask him his opinions.
Learn how to, chat with him.
Learn how to, value him.
Show him he is needed.

And if you always feel the need, to prove you don't need anyone, even a Spouse, well your Husband is getting that vibe from you.

The bottom line is: you don't have to prove anything or that you can live your life, by yourself.

And maybe, your Husband is "lonely" because his Wife does not need him.

EVERYONE, needs to feel needed.
Women and Men.
Nothing wrong with that.
And it is not about being "submissive."

I would listen real carefully, to what your Husband is saying.
He is not happy.
He feels you do NOT need him.
He is giving you, a head's up.
Why be with someone, if they do not need you?
Thankfully, he can express himself.

Everyone has different ways of feeling loved.
There is no right or wrong way.
Find what works.
Or there will be bigger problems.

Would you want to be with someone who did not need, you?

Submissive...umm no. He married you because you are a strong independent person. If you want to make him feel needed then start thanking him for things he does. Did he take out the garbage? Then, "Thanks babe, I really appreciate that." if he's helping out with the kids. "whew thanks! I just don't know how single parents do it. So glad you are here to help." stoke his ego a little and it can go a long way.

You don't need to be submissive to be a good wife. If your husband is having issues with not bringing home the larger paycheck, that's not something that you need to compensate for. Show him you love him by sharing the work load around the house and with the children with him. Show him you love him with affection and that you trust him. Be partners. Show respect to each other. Let him know that you do need him and ease his worries. If that doesn't work, then I would suggest marriage counseling or for him to attend counseling on his own or both. You shouldn't have to sacrifice who you are because his ego has trouble not having the bigger salary.

EDITED TO ADD: I do think you could both benefit from the book "The Five Love Languages." It's a fabulous way to look at communication in your marriage.

I may be way off here, but I think you have to change your thinking first. You say you are the breadwinner, but then finish with y'all both work full time. You say you want to be with him because you don't want to be lonely and because you wanted kids. It sounds to me that you don't think you need him, and that you don't want to be submissive in any way.

When I say you need or don't need him, I don't mean can you survive without him, because clearly you can support yourself. What I mean is do you need him because you feel like your life without him would be less. Less happy. Less simple. Less complete. Just overall less. If your life would be less without him, then you need him.

I think you being submissive is not really the point. You need to love, honor, and cherish your husband. If you do that in your heart first, your mind and actions will follow. He will see and feel that you love, honor, and cherish him and he will know that he is needed.

I think being submissive is a give and take. There are times when a wife will submit to what her husband wants, and there are times when the husband will submit to what his wife wants. That is what a partnership is, and marriage is a partnership.

I don't think you need to become submissive, just learn to be respectful and appreciative of what he does. Make sure you are making decisions TOGETHER (not him over you and not you over him). Treat him how you'd want him to treat you. Thank him regularly for working along with you for your family, etc. Make sure you make the intimate part of your marriage a priority.

Out of curiosity, were you an oldest child or an only child by chance? I've noticed oldest or only's tend to have a harder time with not being in control in a marital relationship. Do you think you tend to be "bossy" at all (and I don't mean that rudely!)? My sister struggles with that...because she has the oldest child mentality. She tends to be bossy and in control. And she's so not into being a strong independent working woman! It's just part of how she grew up (I'm reading a book "Sibling Rivalry" that talks about this and mentions how it can affect marriage). She really struggles with giving her husband any control.

Even being a strong, independent women doesn't mean you have to become submissive to offer your husband the support and encouragement he needs - I promise! Just respect that you married a good man, a smart man...

Also, it's common for men to feel somewhat replaced when children come into the picture. It usually means they need more time and focus (as well as intimate time, as that is a huge thing you can do to make him feel loved).

Hope that helps some!

I just can't connect the dots between submission, love and caring.

I have made more than, equal to and less than my husband over the years of our marriage. Never was that the barometer for respect.

"How do I show my husband I need him and want him?" Love him and be selfless.

"Submissive" is not part of my vocabulary. I agree with many of the suggestions here, but not with the ones saying you should alter who you are. Stay strong, love your husband, communicate well. He fell in love with an independant woman. Why would you change?

Make sure you ask for his opinion alot. On anything really. It will make him feel like his point of view and opinions matter, and it lets you let go of some control. Ask him to help you with things that you would normally do yourself. Ask for help with the kids, dinner etc.

Just take time to thank him for the things that he does do for you, and just make it a point to show him you appreciate him. It will make him feel good to feel like you do notice what he does.

Say things like "I dont know what I would do without you" or just that you love him more.

It's the little things that count, and if he can see that you are at least trying to let go of some of the control then he is sure to appreciate it.

Submissive-no, equal partnership-yes.

I think it's great that you want to have the kind of relationship God intended for man and wife. Too many people do NOT understand the word submissive, much less the concept. To be submissive to your spouse is a good thing, a blessing from God, and yep - hard to do! I did a Bible study on Titus (the book of the Bible regarding marriage more or less) and it REALLY opened my eyes to the concept. Before I thought it was a negative thing too. Anyways, you may start with that reading. But my favorite book so far has been A Wife After God's Own Heart and A Mom After God's Own Heart by Elizabeth George. Her husband also wrote the A Husband AFter God's Own HEart. They are great books. I think parenting/marriage/schooling/etc. are big deals in life that take a LOT of work to succeed at, you have to read, get new ideas and work on it. Kudos to you for getting advice. Pray a lot to God and have Him guide you too.

I don't do submissive, and neither does my husband. Neither of us does dominant or "head of the household" either. We're equals, and we need each other equally.
Quite frankly, if either of us had to be dominant or submissive, it wouldn't work. We both like to have strong, independent people in our lives.
Having my own opinion doesn't mean that I don't listen to or value his. It just means that his isn't the default, and neither is mine.
We both do things to show the other that we care. He gets up before I do, lets the dog out, makes coffee, and packs my lunch because he cares about me. He's allergic to animal dander and has asthma, so I clean more than I would if I lived alone to keep the dander down because I care about him.

I am the "breadwinner" in our family right now (hubby is the stay at home parent) and my husband is very much needed by me. He takes care of our daughter when I'm working, so we are saving on costs and avoiding the hassles of day care. He is very handy around the house - he built our deck last year, installed our water softener, and has done all the indoor painting and put in crown molding. He's been a tremendous help clearing out my mother's house since she passed away last year. Not to mention that he is my best friend too. I don't think you need to become this submissive "little woman" rather than show appreciation for what he brings to the table. There are things that I just let my husband be "in charge of" because it makes him feel needed and it's one less thing I have to worry about. And your husband is earning money from his job, so if he weren't, that would be less money that would be available. I would wonder if he feels depressed in some way or inadequate and insecure - but in no way would I change anything you are doing or be less yourself just to avoid bruising his ego. I was a strong independent woman before marriage and I am still a strong independent woman now - and my husband is secure enough that he would not want it any other way!

You could be the queen of England and still be submissive and respectful to your husband. You can honor him, love him, adore him, have fun with him and laugh at his jokes...LOL You shouldn't have to prove your faithfulness to him outside of what you do to love him. I hope he can see how much you love and need him. Good luck!!

Stick to who you are, he fell in love with that person. If he makes a comment that you don't need him... be sure to tell him that he is right, I don't need you but even better I want you. Tell him he does fill your heart with love and warmth so you actually do need him. Say the same things each time. If you are overly aggressive which leads him to feel that you don't need him perhaps you can ask his opinion more often, etc. Other than doing that stay the way you are unless you see areas that need improvement.

i think "submissive" is the wrong word. but i totally get you wanting your man to feel needed. They thrive on that. My best advice....
come onto him like crazy and let him hold the reigns on planning the day, vacations and even dinner sometimes.

Im pretty independent too, and sort of a control freak.

He sounds insecure with his self. He shouldnt want you to change.

Well my husband knows that I certainly do not NEED him. Of course I couldn't drive the car I do, live in the house I do, or keep up the same lifestyle on my own, but I'd survive. I WANT him so that is what keeps us going strong. Let your husband know how much you WANT him and see how that works :).

If he wanted you to be submissive, he needed to negotiate that before he married you. If you wanted him to be dominant, you needed to negotiate that before marriage. A dominant-submissive relationship is fine, but is requires clear and careful advance agreement.

I have a *partnership* with my husband. Neither of us is dominant. However, each of us has areas where we have primary authority. In those areas, the answer is "yes, dear", unless we have strong opinions on the matter.

You do not need to be and should not be "submissive" if you don't want to be. But make sure he has *some* areas of expertise/authority.

For example, I have primary authority over home renovation and health care. I let my husband know the plan and he lets me know if he has any strong objections. He has primary authority over our computer and investments. He lets me know the plan and I let him know if I have any strong objections.

It sounds like he is currently the primary homemaker and you are currently the primary breadwinner. Check out the book "Radical Homemakers". It might have some useful validation for both the importance of the homemaker role, and that it is a gender-neutral term.

Hope this helps.

Wow!! You do not need to be submissive toward your hubby. He married a strong independant woman and now wants to change you??!!
Your hubby needs counseling. Couples counseling might help but he needs to find out why he married a strong woman and now wants her to change. He needs to get out and get a job. Take it from me, never ever support a man -- unless he is doing all the child care and housework get him off his butt and into the world of working people.

Read the Proper Care and Feeding of a Husband by Dr. Laura.

1. Let him pay the bills
2. Pump his ego and let him know how much you appreciate him providing for the family
3. Be open to his suggestions
4. Let him make some or most of the decisions regarding the "manly" stuff - the fixtures, additions, whatever else they enjoy doing...lol
5. Continue being an independent woman, but don't overpower him with it, meaning throw it in his face all the time!

Is the word 'submissive' just a semantic slip-up? I choose to believe you meant 'appreciative, loving, and equal'.

UPDATED: LOL LOL LOLMelissa B.

I think you have an interesting question, because this is something I've struggled with on and off in my own marriage.

I love my husband. I am not with him because of fear of loneliness...it's more that he's a good complement to the life I had before him. I'm pretty introverted in a lot of ways, and needing 'alone time' is a very real need.

Consequently, we get into routines that separate us. I have found that showing my husband I *need* him is about acknowledging when I need help, asking for it and then thanking him for it in a way that appreciates what he does.

I ask him how his day was, and tell him 'thanks for all the hard work you do for us'. When he takes our son to the park to give me some breathing room, I try to make sure he knows he's a 'lifesaver... I don't know what I'd do without you' and give him a big hug and a kiss when they come back. I try to notice when he's gone out of his way to get a few dishes done or pick up kiddo's toys or... well, so many of the things he does to try to help me. I tried hard this year to make sure he had something for Father's Day from both my son and myself, separately. He's a great dad, and deserves recognition. I try really hard to understand what he's doing at work.(And I mean Really Hard, because he works in the tech field and I'm about as non-tech as you get. It's like listening to someone speaking a foreign language.)

For us, strong women, 'submissive' might look like offering choices. On the weekend: "Honey, I'm thinking about making a potato salad or a macaroni salad....which do you think you'd prefer?" Little choices that don't throw us out of whack. This isn't meant to be manipulative: I've found that offering my husband two choices that already work for me is a wonderful way to let my husband "have his say" in many things. Checking in with each other, too, on the weekends and days at home as to what we want to do instead of planning the whole day really helps. Everyone does what needs to get done and everyone's needs are respected.

I don't know if any of these ideas will help your situation, however, these little changes have certainly helped at our home. I hope someone on this thread has something that works for you.

Just because you are the breadwinner do you NOT need to be submissive to your husband - even if you were NOT the breadwinner - you do not need to be submissive!!!

You BOTH need to show each other respect and love....

The reigns should be held TOGETHER - NOT singularly - you are a COUPLE - A PARTNERSHIP....NOT one better than the other...

You still need to that strong W. he married - DO NOT COW TOW to him...you are EQUALS....

You can show him love in many ways....I show my husband every day by making him coffee and his lunch....taking care of the house so that he doesn't have to do much when he gets home (I'm the SAHM).

IF he isn't working - let him be the SAHD - it's OKAY and there are a LOT of men out there that are SAHDs!!! It's not an easy job....not just anyone can do it...

Now if he needs money to show his worth - I don't know how to help you...my husband chose family over wealth..he refused to be his dad and not be there for the kids...his dad worked HARD 60 hours a week - traveled, didn't go to baseball games or anything else...my husband refused to be that parent. He's passed up promotions at his job of 9 years because he didn't want the travel and miss out on Little League and soccer....

Communicate to him and get him off his high horse...if he's feeling emmasculated (spelling) right now - that's not your responsibility to fix...he needs to get a grip and understand and communicate his expectations of life and marriage....

What is this, the dark ages? Who is submissive in this era? I think the term of equal and independent. You can be compassionate and loving without the submissive thing.

Show your husband that you need his help in all the little things like lightbulbs, loose knobs on doors/drawers, getting things you can reach, bringing in heavy bags of groceries. Just tell you need help with it and he will jump for the chance. Be loving, kind and considerate to him. Write notes and put them on the computer or in his lunch. Things like this make him feel like is da man.

Above all never give up your independence because that is why he married you not some wimpy woman. He loves the fact that you can do things and take command.

One day the tables may turn and he will be there to be the main breadwinner. Health issues change many things in a marriage. Trust me I know.

The other S.

Just try to admire him and show respect with your words and actions. Thank him for the small things, verbalize when he makes you smile, your heart skip a beat, or when he bathes and puts the kids to bed. Ever read "the power of a praying wife" or "the power of a positive wife"? They are helpful in helping you see yourself and spouse in different light.
BTW- I'm sure you didn't mean it negatively, but need your spouse for resons other than you don't want to be lonely. They may make him feel like he is just playing a role, being a stand-in, etc (experience). I hope this helps.

Forget about being "submissive" - that is NOT what your husband married!!! Marriage is a team sport. The most important thing is to love each other, respect each other, and know what boundries not to cross. Always remember you are on the same team and it doesn't matter who the "breadwinner" is.
I can tell you this from experience. My husband and I have been married 8 years. Before we were married and the first few years of marriage, I made more money than my husband - not by millions or anything :) but enough for him to take notice and feel a little bad. Fact is, I have 2 college degrees and he stopped at high school, which isn't a big deal, but can make a difference. The tables can turn though. About 5 years ago our daughter became seriously ill and had a heart transplant and I stayed home with her. Just as it was time for her to enter school I started having my own health problems preventing me from working. He is now our "breadwinner", and through it all our love and respect for each other is still alive. Just remember no situation is forever.

This is a huge issue that you need to deal with now! Dr. Laura has written several books on this issue. She is outspoken and more independant than anyone I know! Men are very simple, and you just need to plug in to those things and you're good to go. This is the classic situation of our culture to demasculinate men. You can b independent and all the great things you are, at the same time, being submissive to your husband who is the head of the family. If you have a little boy, it's gonna be extra important for him to see your husband lifted up as the man in the family!!
Good Luck

I have just started reading the book "love and respect" and find it interesting...may give some insights.

Growing up, my dad didn't want to be bothered with trivial stuff, so I developed a very independent spirit. Then I married. I continued to take care of stuff myself--and my husband was okay with it as long as he was busy in his work. Then things changed. He felt left out of things--partly because his work always took precedence, and partly because I had always done things w/o consulting him. I had to learn to INCLUDE him in discussions and decisions and not assume he wasn't interested. By asking for and considering HIS opinions, I gave him his voice and he felt he was a part of the decision process. I still fight the impulse to do my own thing, but it does make for a more peaceful home life when we work together. I think that's the key.

I don't agree with the "needing" him mindset. Perhaps valuing the marriage (total package) is what you both should work towards. You should revisit your vows and the commitment you made for better/worse/richer/poor.

Also, something has changed and the focus should be on fixing that and moving forward.

Men need to feel needed! So I ask my husband to carry heavy things down the stairs for me (even though I can do it), if something as simple as the bolt on the toilet needs to be tighten I call in my man. It is the little things. You don't always have to be "submissive" it is a partnership and it takes work. Funny thing is there are times he really likes that I am independent like when I got a flat tire. I called my husband at work and said ok tell me where the jack and spare tire is because I am driving the Neon (my daughter's car) and have no idea. My car was a van so a little bit different.
Everyone at work kept asking him why he wasn't going to go help me change the tire and he told them it was no problem I could handle it. Most of the guys couldn't believe it. I even had some guy ask me if I needed help and said he was amazed to see me changing my own tire. So keep yor independence there are times you need it but let your husband do some little things here and there so he knows he is needed and is the man. LOL!

I really like the book "The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands" by Dr. Laura Schlessinger. It's a quick read and the principles really work. I give this book to all brides when I'm invited to a wedding.

Basically, she has three rules Appreciate, Accept and Admire.

Say thank you for even the smallest things like taking out the trash. (No one lives their life with flowers and jewelry like in Hallmark commercials.)

Admire - Tell your hubby he looks good today. Even men like to be complimented.

Accept - Never withhold sex as a means of control. Sex is a gift and we should enjoy it!

Good luck!

I didn't see you say your husband wants you to change and be submissive vs he doesn't feel really needed. I understand. I'm also the main breadwinner by a large margin and am really capable and do way more for the kids etc while my husband seeks me out for advice a lot and I help him write things for work and counsel him much much more than he does me. Not to say I wouldn't really miss him but sometimes I feel like he NEEDS me more than I need him and he's kind of said that too. And I've heard other wives say the same thing about their husbands. Having the money unbalanced in a nontraditional way can make things complicated. I likely don't do enough in the making him feel appreciated and needed dept so this is a good reminder. Some things I do do - praise him for his strengths. ie: he's amazing w/ electronics etc so I often say how he's so good at it all I can't be bothered to learn bc I know he'll take care of it. He's also very handy so I compliment that. I also very often mention what a good father he is and how important the way dads play with their kids is. There are studies that have investigated the importance of rough housing and that kind of play that mothers often don't provide. Finally, sometimes I just go and give him a long hug and say how I needed that. It's a simple thing that I benefit from and I think makes him feel good.

Want him for who he is... not for what he gives you (companionship/kids/sex..) basically, that's all your listed why you need him.

Surely, there is more in him you see than that? Do things together. My husband and I cook dinner together, we fold laundry together. We read books together and take interests in each other.

I really love this short little video, it tells how to show a person you love them:
http://lds.org/ldsorg/v/index.jsp?autoplay=true&index...

Compassionate, yes. Submissive, no. Marriage is a partnership that works best when there is communication, mutual respect and love for each other. The best relationsihps are those where the people involved are together because they want to be, not because of the insecurity or need (of either one). Your husband and your children are lucky to have a such a strong, caring woman in their lives. Sounds like some good counseling is in order but whether you get it or not, do not devalue yourself because your husband is insecure.