Does Step Parenting Get Easier?

He is doing his daughter a disservice by not teaching her to be self sufficient. He needs to set boundaries and to give her responsibilities in the home as part of the family. If he does not draw that line now she will only get brattier. If he refuses then you have to decide if the relationship is worth living with a spoiled rotten brat half the time.

You feel angry with her?
I think you're displacing anger you should be feeling for your partner.
The daughter can't make demands on him without his permission.
For what ever reason, guilt maybe? - he can't tell her 'no, get it yourself', 'quiet, I'm on the phone', or 'mind your manners and wait your turn'.
If you're not married, you're not a step parent, and if your partner has multiple ex-es, you're just yet another girlfriend, another possible future ex.
You're not the problem.
She's not the problem.
Your partner is the problem but he doesn't see he has a problem so he's completely comfortable living as he is.
You need to decide if you can live with this or not.
If you can, then sucking it up is all you can do.
If you can't, then leaving and moving on will solve it for you.

Additional:
If your partner were to get hit by a bus and die tomorrow (heaven forbid), you would no longer be seeing this girl - her Mom would get full custody. If you were married, you might have a shot at getting the some custody.
So yeah, marriage makes a difference as to whether you're a step parent or not.

I don't think we need to debate the term "step parent" based on whether you are married or not. You're still in that role.

I agree that teens are tough. This girl has a fractured family - parents in different places, sisters in different places. She has multiple homes. She has you added to the mix. Basically, people leave her. So she's testing her father, and to some extent she's testing you. Your instinct is to leave the house, to go to the gym or take a class. So that's kind of proving her point.

She feels she has no control over her life, no power. So she's exercising it when she can. Some teens do this anyway - part of growing independent when still not ready to be so. But this kid has more going on.

But as others have said, your problem is your partner. He wants to be the good time dad, not the parent. He's running himself ragged, yes, but it's way easier to jump through hoops to buy favorite snack foods and pick up a phone charger than it is to have standards, rules, and discipline. He's not willing to do that. He's not willing to make an unpopular decision. He thinks that, if he just caters to her today, she'll be nicer tomorrow. But that's not how it works. She's getting a huge payoff for her behavior, so why would she stop it? She's getting the treats, and she's getting some feeling of control.

Your problem is the type of parent your partner is, not the kind of kid she is. So that's where you focus, and that's where you try to make changes. If he won't go for counseling and parenting advice, perhaps with a family therapist for his child, then you should get counseling to decide whether you want to stay with someone who is opting for the easier "out" every single time.

My first thought is "ha ha, no." I'm not trying to be rude or facetious, just that 14 years in, it's still a struggle sometimes. It's easier now that my sks are grown and their mother isn't much involved in anything. It's easier now that I have my own child to focus on (childless stepmothering is hard...esp. when you want your own kid like I did). It's easier now that DH sometimes sees things my way instead of just thinking I'm a lunatic. So yes...but no.

Regarding her behavior, teen girls can be rude. Teens are at an age where they want to be "all grown up" but at the same time, still need help. If you don't like her yelling, then talk to Rick and ask him to address it. If he runs ragged to try to accommodate her 24/7, then that's on him, but if it's affecting your relationship, you need to try to get him to see that you're not being mean, but that it is healthy for him to expect things of her. Like chores. It's normal if teens don't get reined in.

You might also ask for family or marital counseling or to attend a joint class on parenting teens together. I am not discounting your frustrations at all because having my stepson boomerang after college nearly did us in. DH even had a place to go and almost moved out. Kid behavior can break a marriage. If you are at a breaking point, he needs to know, and he needs to know in the context of you don't respect him when...and it may take a pro to help you and he communicate this. For a long time my DH felt (and still sometimes does, I think) that I was just hateful of his children. NO, stupid head, I don't like how they treat you or me or our child together. I don't like their disrespect of our home or time. And that is normal! People are blind to their own kids, especially if they feel guilty. My DH would be judgey about his nephews and I'd ask him, "So how is it different when your kids do the same thing??" It took us wasting money on a large rental house for my DH to see that it was OK to go on vacation without them, since they certainly didn't run their lives on his schedule. Etc. Your DH needs to remember he can say no, or "It's on the counter, please get it yourself. I am on the phone." Four year olds can learn not to bother people on the phone (and in fact teens are very much like toddlers, but bigger and mouthier.)

So bottom line is what can you deal with, what can't you deal with, can you make changes on your own (perhaps you and DH can study a book like How To Talk So Kids Will Listen) and what is a dealbreaker for your marriage. If my DH spent every other week catering to his DD (either of them, including ours together) at the detriment of our relationship, I'd be mad, too. Is she a guest or member of the family?

And for those who say "package deal", well, yeah. I knew he had kids. But I could not anticipate all the things that frustrated me over the years. I knew his ex was nutty, but didn't realize the full extent of her nutty behavior. I didn't anticipate his daughter doing things like giving her BF the key to our home and not telling us and then having him key into our home like he lived there. For example. Or his ex's legal b.s. He is STILL rescuing them from their own stupidity and it takes a lot of effort to let it go. And depending on the thing, letting go of things that genuinely hurt you or bother you for years and years wears on your soul. I lost a lot of respect for my DH when he would not stand up to his ex or his kids. It was a long road (is a long road) back. You don't know how deep the trenches til you are in them.

Go back to university so you will be out of the house and busy and you don't have to witness this. It should not "break your heart" if your partner is allowing his daughter to be bratty -- that is his choice and he will suffer the consequences. He is "hurt" that he is running around doing things for her? He needs to toughen up.

I think your solution of finding things to do when she is there is a good one. You can't blame a child for inappropriate parenting. 13 year olds only get away with the behavior their parents let them get away with. Your anger towards a little girl is misplaced.

Re your ETA -- no, you're not the stepparent, and you won't win this one. It's obvious from your attitude toward her that you have not become a parental surrogate, so stay out of it. Dad obviously doesn't have great parenting skills, and you are not going to change him without a huge battle, and by that time your relationship will be run ragged and she will be out of the house. Better that you leave the house during the times that she is visiting and let him spend one-on-one time with his daughter.

Almost everyone is giving you similar advice. We know what we are talking about. You should heed this advice.

Really this is between your boyfriend and his daughter. Just living with a guy doesn't make you a step parent. You may find it annoying but I'm sure she is equally annoyed and frustrated with all these women in her dad's life. Poor thing, I can't imagine what that's like at thirteen. Just stay at work longer, or find something else to do for those few hours a day when she's with her dad.

It is normal as far as 13 year old immaturity goes and she's taking advantage because she is allowed to do it. What is not normal is for a parent to put up with it and be at the child's beck and call. He should tell her to get off her rear and fetch her own charger. Her father is not being a good parent. Your husband has to make changes, and you need to mostly stay out of it unless he asks for your help or opinion.

If he isn't willing to stop being a slave boy and thinks you're coming between him and his child, you will lose.

Okay, if you aren't married you aren't a step mom and I assure you the kids will treat you like dad's girlfriend and nothing more. As others have mentioned 13 year old girls are moody time bombs by their very nature and you expecting something they are not capable of is just crazy and frustrating for you.

My ex's girlfriend is lucky, my kids hate being around their dad and she is nice so she makes being around him better so they are nice to her because they don't want to go back to being around just dad.

How would you feel if you were forced to live her life? I would be angry, would want to point out in every way this doesn't feel like my home, would want to make the adults forcing this on me know every minute I didn't chose this life.

Edit: got to love the people who label this child a brat, or spoiled, or that her reaction to this situation is anything but justified. I clean my home because I own it, it is wear I live, I take pride in it. My children are required to keep their home somewhat clean as well and since they live here 99% of the time, this is their home. This girl doesn't have a home because of her parents choices! Of course she doesn't want to be daddy's girlfriend's cleaning lady and that is how she feels.

You chose this man, he chose you, she didn't, except that and move on. Make her feel like that home is her home and her attitude will change. Keep up with the evil step mother nonsense this will continue. Oddly my ex's girlfriend can ask my kids to do things and they will. All in her attitude, yours stinks.

Per your what happened, no, you aren't a step parent. Sure in part because you aren't married but you don't sound at all committed to the situation if you run when it gets too hard. Ya know, my 16 year old has autism, do you have any idea what that is like? Not once has my husband whined about how hard that is yet he didn't consider himself a step father until we were married. So grow up, be a parent or leave but don't give yourself a title you clearly have not earned. Sorry but living with a man doesn't give you that title.

She is being a very typical teen. No teen ever appreciates what his or her parent does. Please do not be angry with her for being a typical teen.

That said, it is your partner's responsibility to keep her from turning into an entitled young adult. He is neglecting his responsibility as a parent. If you want someone to be angry with, it's him not her. My opinion - he needs a parenting class to learn how to be a parent to a teen.

When you chose to be with this man it was a package deal. I don't think you should be upset with her behavior, but with his.

You should also think about what she has gone through, she was what around 6 or 7 when her parents split, she is in the middle of the family (has 2 daughters from first marriage) and is probably feeling the most abandoned. Kids will do what ever they can for the attention of their parents, including what she has been doing. You partner needs to spend more quality time with his daughter when she is visiting.

I hope you will consider how you treat her as well. Do not make her feel badly or say anything to her, only talk to your partner about it. And please remember that if you choose to leave, you're leaving her too. You don't have to be a mother to her, but I am sure if you get along she may consider you her friend.

When my step kids were younger my hubby went above and beyond for them (spoiling) to the point that it was making me nutty, but I kept letting him know to be their dad and not their best friend. It wasn't an easy adjustment for him (he always had a lot of guilt about getting divorced), but he has great relationships with all his kids.

FYI: my step daughter was very afraid to get close to me when she was young, she told me she always had a fear that I would leave her too. I think it was just feelings she had not yet dealt with after the divorce. No matter how a marriage ends, most kids of divorce have a feeling of abandonment. I have been apart of their lives for over 10 years and it will always have its ups and downs, but we are and have always been a family and I have always treated them that way.

I bet she's a normal teenager who would rather have things handed to her. Very typical. You have a choice to ignore it, help to instill less selfish behavior by modeling proper behavior and gentle encouragement, or move on. I bet a little humor would go a long way when she's acting like that. It's probably a little test for her dad to see if he will do it. It's also probably teenage laziness and a little need for control thrown in. I'd see what happens if you ask her to set the table when you are making dinner. I wouldn't hesitate to grab something for her if you are close and remind her that you'd be happy to get it, since you know she'd do the same. If no one is as close as her to the object or whatever, I'd make a joke. Oh my goodness, I think we need to call the doctor and have your legs checked. They must be broken...something silly with a smile and see what happens. Keep it lighthearted and you might see some changes. Anger won't fix it.

All you can really do is accept the situation. It's not yours to change. Dad will be very sorry because he is raising an entitled child, and she will struggle a great deal when she gets out into the world on her own. In fact, she will probably be a "failure to launch" until dad wises up. So, either accept it or leave it, those are your only choices.

Have you tried talking to your partner?

Even when teens are your own kids, we struggle with this. We each parent our kids differently. The thing is to be on the same page.

If this kid is bugging you to the extent that you have to leave the house and you are full of anger? And thinking of making big changes in your life - to me that's a sign.

Everyone (divorced people with kids or not) comes with a history and parts of their lives that we have to either accept or not. He came with these kids. He's the kind of parent he is.

The only thing you can do (from where I see it) is tell him about how you feel. She's his child - he can make changes in how he deals with her. If he wants to. If he doesn't - then be prepared to deal with this until she's grown.

Good luck :)

Your partner needs to grow a pair.
My kid demands something of me then he's got another thing coming.
Sounds like a GENTLE conversation needs to be had with him. I maybe would even record her on the down low when she starts getting demanding so that he can see it. Sometimes when we see each ourselves on tape then it's eye opening.
Good luck.
L.

Look, this man has multiple ex wives and multiple children with different women. He brought a ton of baggage into this relationship with you. You're not his wife so technically you're not a stepmother. I agree with every post below that says your anger should be directed at your partner, not his daughter. I don't think this will get any easier. And if you make waves, you will lose. Lots of counseling is what is needed here. For the children especially. Being a teenager and dealing with all those emotions on top of the trauma of divorce must be so hard for this girl. She is desperately trying to get her dad's attention. How much quality time does he spend with her? Get this family into counseling and learn some healthy coping skills. Good luck to you.

Yes, this is very normal for a spoiled 13 year old. You see first-hand her dad spoils her, which is the reason she acts that way. Maybe her mom does too. Probably, because she is old enough to be mature and motivated like teens who were not raised by parents who let their kids habitually boss them around. Many people are divorced, and still don't spoil their kids. Sounds like he has no interest in changing his parenting, so you're probably best off to avoid them as much as possible. Sad, but you can't change people. Its too bad he thinks this is in her best interest. It really isn't. If he keeps acting this way it will get worse until she's out on her own.

You should not be angry at the kid. You should be angry at her dad. He needs to step up and start acting like a father to her. This means it is his job to teach her manners and the proper way to behave. He needs MORE quality time with her and he needs to set down proper rules and not be a pushover...yet at the same time show her he loves her and is there for her. Basically, the problem here is with your partner. 13 is a hard age and having divorced parents is difficult for any 13 year old. It sounds like your partner feels guilty so he let's his daughter act this way...and maybe he is lazy and does not want to do the hard parenting. Perhaps he should take some Parenting Teens classes.

You knew the situation before you two go together. Now you are complaining about how his daughter is with him and he running at her beck and call. It could be guilt or he wants to be the Disney daddy.

Since you are not married to this man, you have a choice of moving on. Do you want children with this guy or would someone else be better? In another five years she will be 18 and you will be 42. Where do you see yourself? Go back to school and find a new place to live without a man and find what you want out of life. He is only using you. You are not even his wife which means he could walk out the door and never come back. Life is too short to be going through all these unnecessary hurdles for a man.

Good luck to you.

the other S.

PS Five years with a man a no mention of marriage is a long time in a woman's life.