Parenting Advice for a New Blended Family...

L.-

I am coming from the position of someone whose parents were divorced. My suggestion is to first ask your ex to not introduce her to every girlfriend. Almost any psychologist would recommend this...it is normal for your daughter to become attached and then to not understand why the person is gone. It is probably not the most helpful thing for her either in developing trusting relationships as she gets older.

With regards to reassuring her about you and your new husband, that will be difficult seeing as she has already seen you and your ex's relationship dissolve and now is seeing multiple relationships with your ex dissolve. I would be honest with her and talk to her a lot. Explain how much you and your ex love her and that while things didn't work out your love for her will never change. I don't know what the situation is with your ex but I would try to get along as much as possible. My parents still talk and get along which is really helpful to me and my sisters who love them both and certainly did not choose the divorce. If things continue to be a problem, I would recommend maybe talking to a child psychologist...they could probably give you more specific ideas for her age and development. I would also talk to someone before you have more kids with your new husband...this will bring up a whole new set of issues for your daughter who will see her half sibling with parents together as she is going back and forth.

I hope my post is not too forward. Divorce is a really hard thing on kids which I do not think people really talk about. My parents divorced while I was a teenager and it has affected me and my sisters then and now. Just remember to be sensitive to her and validate what she is going through and will continue to go through. Obviously, she will need to move on and accept this as part of her life but validating the difficult parts of the situation will go a long way.

Best of luck,

W.

I completely agree that it's best to talk with your ex about him introducing her to women. I've been there and still doing that with the blended family thing! My ex and I split in March 1999 which was a longtime in the making! I had 4 kids...8, 5, 3, and 2. I met my current husband over the summer but we did not get involved until about two weeks after I officially filed for divorce in December 1999. I did not let him meet my children for a long time because I didn't want them to get attached to him and us not work out. When they did meet him, they loved him. He began making it a point to come see them everyday and he spent so much time with them. At this point, my ex and I were still doing regular visitation with every other weekend. My husband and I married in 2001. Since my split, my ex has only had two girlfriends that I am aware of but I was still very adamant about them not meeting them for a while. Luckily, my ex understood after a few bouts of being a little mean and irrational. It took a few years but my ex began to drop down his visitation. Ten years later, he sees them about 10 full days per year. My best advice on stepparenting is to not make the stepparent a step. DNA doesn't make someone a mom or a dad. Love, devotion, support, etc are what makes those people into a mom or a dad. I'm not saying that she should rush out and call your husband dad but if it happens, it happens because that's what she'll see him being. He should be hands on. He should love her as if she's his own. The point is that your household should never feel like it's anything less than normal two parent household. Don't badmouth your ex because I can tell you firsthand that any mistakes we do, our kids see it! My kids now call my ex by his first name and my husband Dad. He's become nothing more than say an uncle or family friend. I have done my part over the years to foster a relationship for them all but he chose to buck the system. If your ex stays in the picture and continues visitation, great! All the better for your daughter because she will always have him present. But again, that shouldn't change the normalcy presented in your household. Everyday should be business as usual just as if you both were the biological parents. Regarding relationships, your daughter was too young to absorb what happened with your ex. She'll know in the future that mommy and daddy aren't together but she'll have grown up with her own norms. You can talk to her about his choices but just really tread very lightly. It's easy to cross boundaries into bashing. It's also easy to stir up some animosity within yourself because sometimes, it's easy to feel like, "He really should be doing x, y, and z so I don't have to be doing this!" Be patient. Try to always remain civil. And most importantly, everyone just love, love, love her! Everything else will fall into place even when you have kids with your husband. I have one with my husband and my other kids couldn't love her more if I asked them to. One last thing...remember that how you and your husband act as a couple is going to have a larger impact on her. Act how you would want her to act and your husband should treat you the way she should be treated. Good luck!

Hi. I don't know what your relationship is to her biological daddy, but if you could talk to him about the attatchment she has to his "friends", and ask that when he spends time with her, he doesn't include any girlfriends, it would make it easier for her..and give him more quality time with her. I am guessing that she only sees him on weekends, etc...so it would be a small price to pay...but can't he entertain his girlfriends when his daughter isn't around? just a thought...good luck!

My daughter thought that she was going to loose me after she lost her father. I had to re-assure her each day that I wasn't going to past away. Year after year I was able to cut down on the frequency that I had to remind her. After 4 years she felt more assure that I wasn't going to leave her.
P. S