Parental Guilt and the Need to Explain Everything

Honestly, the only wrong thing you do is that you question what you do. Other than that, you are doing a great job.

I think every new parent feels like this at first, but when my son got to be about 2 yrs old I felt I had my sea legs.
Different kids require different handling and what works for one family will not necessarily work for the next family.
Am I perfect? No. But my son and husband think I am. That's all the validation I need.

I understand except most of mine is from family and sometimes you can't make that snappy remark. Like with MIL cause she goes back and tells the husband.

First of all, you should NEVER feel the need to explain everything or anything for that matter. You answer what you want to answer. Next time someone gives you their opinion just look at them and say "I'm sorry, but I don't believe I asked for your opinion."

Do I ever know what you mean though! OK so now my kids are older, but when they were younger, yes I would get bombarded with TONS of question, unsolicited opinions and advice.

I was single Mom way back when my daughter was a baby. She is now 12 and I’ve remarried and have a 6 yr. old son.

At the time when I was a single Mom I thought everyone would was giving me advice or handing out opinions because they thought I just didn’t know WTH I was doing. I was also a lot younger. Seriously I got all the same questions as you.

One Mom commented to me how sorry she felt for me that I was a single Mom and ended with “Oh your poor baby!” AUGH! It was frustrating and at times I actually believed that I was failing as a parent. Even my sister and my parents were constantly on my case.

One of my sister’s biggest complaint with me was that I spoiled my daughter and held her too much. My Mom gave me grief because I co-slept with her and that all we ate was organic food. At this point my daughter was 3 years old. Sometimes I just wanted to isolate the 2 of us from my family because they couldn’t go one minute without putting me down as a Mom.

Every morning I would wake up and ask my self = Is my daughter happy and healthy? Yes. Is she smart, well adjusted and well behaved. Yes. Is she loving and kind? Yes.

If all this was true then why WOULD I change anything? In the end it was obvious that I was doing something right!!! Now my daughter is 12 and she is STILL perfect =-)

Please know that all Moms go through this. Even the ones that do think they are perfect and their way is the only way.

At the end of the day just know you are being the best Mom to your baby that you know how to be. Everything you are doing is perfect!!

Hi J., in my opinion (since you asked, tehehe), the BEST Mom entertains EVERY possibility and then goes with her GUT in the end. The best Mom does what feels right to HER own family.

Sounds to me like you're doing just that! So I guess that means you ARE the BEST Mom!!

(Easy for me to say since my kids are older (18,16,13) and I've seen my crazy mothering decisions come to some fruition, I know, but it'll happen to you, too. Soon you'll be looking back and thinking "thank God I did it THAT way and not what the books, experts, MIL, friends, Mamapedia posters, said!!)

Enjoy her!

:)

Hi-
I went through this a lot with my first child. We've done things very unusually. I let him wean himself from breast feeding (at 3 1/2), he slept in our bed until his younger brother came along and kept him awake. Now the younger brother, who is nearly 3, sleeps in our bed. We only use alternative medicine because my oldest was very sick when he was a baby and it was the only thing that worked. We give our sons dolls and trucks, we think it's adorable that our 3 year old who loves batman also loves the color pink, and we home school because we don't want our sons to be too influenced by "social consciousness". My entire family was critical of everything I did and I spent many sleepless nights over it. When I had my second I threw all their opinions out the window because my first has turned out to be such an exceptional child that we feel we must be doing something right. My family would make remarks about how good my oldest was in spite of my parenting. I finally got angry and said, "Did you ever think he's this great BECAUSE of my parenting??" I believe we all do what is best for our child. I believe that parents, mothers especially (because they carried the child in their body) know their child better than anyone and we have to trust them with their own child. I parent my two children differently because they are different. You must do what works for you and your child in spite of what others may think. And what a wonderful gift to give to your child---the gift of standing on their own two feet and being who they are in spite of social pressure. So you go girl! You're a great Mom and don't let anyone tell you otherwise!
J.

I am a single parent also - have been since my son was born 14 years ago. I too struggled with feeling inadequate and "guilty" that I was doing everything wrong all the time. So, I stopped listening to others and listened to my heart when it came it to caring for my son. I learned to filter what others suggested and to pick and choose the advice that fit my parenting and my lifestyle.

I breast fed and bottle fed and used powered, concentrate and pre-mixed formula all at the same time - you know what - he ate everything, gained weight and had no problems. His first table food was a french fry - my family freaked out, he was happy making a gummy sticky mess out of it and lo' and behold, he didn't choke and die, or have an allergice reaction or any of the horrible things everyone insisted was going to happen. Hmmm, french fries are still one of his favorite treats.

He slept in my room, in a crib, then a toddler bed forever. It worked for us and I loved having him close. When he was ready to have his own space he moved into his own bedroom. But he is still comfortable climbing in bed with me and watching a movie or sharing the sofa and reading a book. It made us close and comfortable sharing the same the space.

I had 4 cats when I brought him home from the hospital. Everyone had something negative to day about that! They never hurt him. In fact, once he began to crawl he would lay on top of them and play "squish" kitty. We later added dogs to the mix and he sleeps every night with two in his bed. Pets are great for kids and yep, they are gonna' lick and shed, and everything is fine and warm and furry.

Oh, I watched the Teen Mom show the other night and saw the baby that said turtle. My son said clavicle - I taught it to him by just repeating the word over and over...it was really funny to point to eye, nose, mouth, clavicle. Trust me, they don't learn those words on their own - they repeat everything they hear over and over - rather like a parrot. Just pick a word you like and teach it to her - it's kinda' fun to have them pop out big words and watch other people's reactions.

You need to let other people's comments roll off you J.. Learn to trust your own judgment and your confidence will increase. Even when in doubt proceed with confidence and you will find your confidence in you parenting skills and decisions will grow. As that happens other people's comments will matter less and less.

Your daughter being happy, healthy, and loved is what matters. Growing up to be a responsible adult with a strong moral compass is the goal - it doesn't really matter how you get her there as long as you have lots of love and fun along the way.

I felt guilty if some one suggested something and I hadn't been doing it out of ignorance. But if I made a choice for any of my kids to do something or not do something then there was no guilty feeling.

If you are trying hard to do the right thing for your kids, then there should be no guilt. If you hear new ideas from someone and change your mind because you found a better way, then there should be no guilt either.

Good luck to you and yours.

guilt? No, but defensive definitely. I find that when it's a complete stranger I really don't care. It's most difficult coming from my mom or MIL. I don't think either says things to be critical, but it is certainly received that way.

For example, we were in FL with my family at Christmas and my mom said something about us not being "spontaneous" enough and that we are too reliant on routines. I thought that was interesting coming from someone who needs to know "the plan" for the day w/in 15 minutes of being awake!

At first, I was really hurt by her statement and then I told her that we need routine b/c we both work and "over sleeping" or "winging it" just doesn't work for us. On weekends or days-off, we do what we want and don't stress about naps, schedules, whatever... but on work days it has to do a certain way or we run into trouble. It is what it is- sometimes I think people comment aloud when they make an observation, but they don't really expect you to change wat you're doing!

J.,
If you have taken the time to decide how to parent your daughter, go forward with confidence. Don't let questions hinder you. I think that sometimes questions can be a really good thing because sometimes people ask us things we never considered before. We should always be learning and teachable. But, if you have purposefully decided upon something, be confident in that. Sometimes people are just curious, and are wanting to figure out how to do things for their own families as well. I often will ask people questions about why they do something that is different from the way I do things. I just want to know if I am missing something and should be doing it differently.

I was a single Mom from 5 months pregnant until I married after she turned 5 y/o. I exclusively breastfed for her first 9 months, and continued to nurse on demand until she decided she was done at 4.5 y/o. I've fought jobs for pumping breaks and storage for my hard won milk. I left to be my own boss as a Nanny so I could take my daughter with me.

My daughter and I have always bed-shared, whether my then fiance liked it or not. I continued to nurse her as long as she wanted - regardless of how unsupportive and downright raunchy friends and family members were. I've kept mainstream religion out of our home and life... eventho my ENTIRE FAMILY on both sides are Catholic.

I've kept a loose routine in regards to sleep and food, so that she could stay flexible, but still know what to expect (and so could I).

When she was a baby... I fought the hospital and her pediatrician to NOT give my child formula. I told her pediatrician to educate herself more on breastfed infants or I was going to take my daughter elsewhere. I fight ignorance about breastfeeding, bed-sharing, Midwives, home births, water births EVERY DAY and still ready to fight some more.

I followed your rant with mine LOL but I'm sure you get the idea. Even when you know you aren't making the best choice - you have to pick your battles on which ones you feel like debating that day. Children aren't robots, they don't always listen, nor do they always do what is best for themselves (once they get older)... tyrants don't make the best parents anyways.

Sounds like you've given lots of thought to all of your decisions. For me, if anyone questions why or why not, I might take a minute to think about it. But, sometimes the best answer is "Because I'm the mom & I say so". You don't have to explain yourself. There's always going to be someone who thinks that what you're doing is wrong or could be done better. My answer to that-then, get your own kids. Do you find that the advice/critizism comes from people who don't have kids? I do (my sister). I'm learning to live by the motto--"My kids-my rules. Don't like it-too bad". You can't please every one all the time-and you don't have to.

Great question! I think we all deal with this to some extent. The funny thing is - it doesn't matter what your decision is on any issue, you will ALWAYS find someone who disagrees. As long as you love your daughter, take care of your daughter, and keep her safe, you are doing a good job. We all make decisions that are best for us and our families and unfortunately we all make mistakes every now and then. We just have to do our best. It doesn't hurt to listen (most of the time anyways) to what other people say. Sometimes there will be a nugget of wisdom in there, and the rest of the time you can either nod or just say "I have chosen x. That is the best for my family."

You should never feel guilt or angst about what you do as opposed to what others do. You should remain open minded because other mothers have a bag of tricks that have different tricks than your bag. No one answer is right for everyone, this is not a "one size fits all" job (motherhood). Don't have low self esteem about what you do for your child, if you think you need to do something different dont feel bad that someone gave you advice on things to try. All you are doing is practicing to be a good mom. Most of us dont get confident with it until afther the second kid :)

I don't feel too much guilt.. I get pissed!!! People are always trying to put their 2 cents where it doesn't belong and its not asked for!

You go girl! Do your own thing!!!

i had that LIKE CRAZY at first, and you will, there is nothing wrong with questioning yourself because "experienced parents" have been through it and are merely speaking from their experience. and as MOST parents, you want the best you can give for your baby and she is YOUR baby, YOUR responsibility/blessing/adventure so YOU need to make the best of it.

i worried myself sick night and day (still sometimes do) about her eating because she's always been smaller than her average size and it's always been a REAL TASK getting her to eat the amount of meals i thought she could do. her first peditrician threatened to hospitalize her, so i got a second opinion and well, yeah, he was being a little picky (even today she's not the size of an average 8 year old and i still have to time her eating so she'll speed it up). i did my own mental homework and there's day she eats like a cow, and days, only what i make her eat, she is growing, happy and healthy, and progressing with education FAST.

do what works for you and yours, even your closest friend may not agree with your parenting style even if you have a twin, your twin may not do what you would do. every parent does things their way and everyone has a different point of view and that's ok, as long as she's not starving, clean and taken care of and a habital homethen you're doing it "right"....if someone later complains about your childs behaviour just take what advise you want and throw the rest away, do what works for you and someone may always have a complaint about ANYTHING

i have VERY picky/stressed people in my family and even pickier in my ex h's family (they are top notch, all HUGE houses, well off, and VERY proper).

I quit trying to make others happy shortly before i married my dh, because if they were happy with my choices, i wasn't so now, i just don't call for advise...i just do and say here's what i'm doing, take it or leave it.

I understand. Although I can't say I got all that much unintended advise I tended to ignore it anyway. My son and I are the same way, no schedule that the average person would like. I am a night owl and therefore have turned my son into one also. He stays up late and then sleeps in. We schedule our day around it. It would be nice to have a better schedule but I don't think it is in our makeup to have one. We do get up earlier if we need to but prefer not to.
If someone asks me why I let my son do something or not do something I usually tell them "because I do". What he is allowed to do or not do is teaching him something. If it is gross or unhealthy (like eating dog poop) I will stop him. However a little dirt has never hurt anyone and can actually be helpful in growing the imune system. (This include those doggy kisses.)
When it came the time that I had to feed him with formula, yes, I used the pre-made formula from time to time. I had it and I wasn't going to let it go to waste, afterall formula is expensive. I used up all the free samples I had so I had that much less formula to buy. I didn't tell anyone what formula I was using, it is not their business. My son got a bottle and it could have had anything in it. For about 8 months he got the boob and noone questioned that.
My guilty thing right now is that my son is not talking very much at 2.5 years old and I feel like I could have done something different. I am not sure exactly what but I could have done something different!
Afterall, we are mom and it is ultimately our decision what our kids do or don't do. We will be responsible for it. If it causes a problem we will feel guilty about it for a long time. If it doesn't we were lucky or knew what we were doing.

First of all - NO ONE IS PERFECT! Not one single mom on this Earth can claim that (or anyone else for that matter). Some of those moms who may seem perfect, have plenty of hang ups of their own. Take the questions with a grain of salt. "this works for us" "this IS our routine" "let's talk about something else" etc.

You're going a great job! Don't second guess yourself!

My personal feeling on this is that you have your own doubts and opinions about whether you are doing everything ideally. To be blunt, you are are doing a lot of things that are or once were very controversial (single vs. married, scheduled or not, breastfed or bottles, cosleeping or not, ears pierced or not, CIO or not.. ALL of these (except for the single vs. married really) are STILL hotly discussed even on this board). So of course you are getting unsolicited "advice".. we all do from time to time. I am not standing in judgment of your choices, only pointing out that maybe even YOU aren't doing things the way you would PREFER they be in an ideal world (we all do) but none of us live in that mythical place called the "ideal world", lol.

So you are probably a little sensitive when someone mentions something that you have your own issues with. We all are pretty much defensive if someone has a contrary opinion about something we do. And often it doesn't mean that we disagree with them... just that we feel we have to JUSTIFY why we are doing what we are. That's what I get from reading your post. You don't sound like you have anyone that "has your back" regarding your choices. Everyone has an opinion though, don't they?

You are correct. She is your daughter. YOU get to make these decisions. So try to not feel like you have to justify your choices to these people.
You have a lot of options about how to deal with their "helpful suggestions"...

Completely ignore and just stare at them.
Say, "Did I ASK you your opinion?"
Give them what they want (to be right) and say, "You're probably right about that, but this is what I've decided to do (or this is what works for us)."

None of us moms (and dads too) ever does everything perfectly and nothing ever happens in a vacuum. Life is going on. And things are never the ideal in every way! You have to work with what you have to work with. And that is different for everybody.

You sound like you have given a lot of thought to your choices/decisions about how to be the best parent you can be. Don't let others make you feel less confident in your choices. But if YOU have doubts about your choices, don't get so caught up in defensiveness that you don't stop and contemplate making changes just because you're so in the habit of defending yourself, either. Circumstances change. Kids grow and change too. So be flexible and if the situation warrants it, be open to changing something, if you want to do it. It's also ok to say "this isn't working for me" and try something else.
(not saying you have anything like that going on).
But don't let other people make you question yourself either.

Don't worry... these frustrations don't go away... they just change form.
Public school vs. private school vs. Home school
prepackaged snacks or not
school lunch or home made
sleep overs or not
cell phones or not (at what age?)
video games or not (what age?)
allowance or not?

Just look at this board from time to time.... NONE of us has all the answers and we ALL try to do the best we can for our families. And whatever that is it is not the same for everyone.

It just goes on and on and on....
:))

Oh I think all mothers get this.
I had a random lady in a grocery store tell me I was a bad mother because my son, who was like 6months old at the time, wasn't wearing any socks. Btw it was the middle of summer and like 90degrees out.
I'm always surprised at the things people decide are ok to say to a perfect stranger.
You know your daughter, so you know what is best for her. Every child is different.
I've got to the point where NOW when someone says something to me i Do NOT just smile and nod, I tell them to mind their own business.

Unfortunately i can't do that TOO much with family. My MIL thinks kids are like dogs. Totally ignorant. She said on her last visit that she had more fun this time because my son *who is 2 1/2* is FINALLY starting to show his personality. I Wanted to slap her lol

Yes - I think many of us feel guilty/worried etc. There seems to be this silent competition amongst mothers sometimes and I think it's partly because we're all just worried so if we can think we're doing xyz better than another mother, maybe we'll worry a bit less. I think it gets a bit better with age in terms of people pointing at little things. I worry so much more now about things that are out of my control though. In terms of things in my control, I think people are scarred only by things their parents do that even in hindsight were mean or selfish etc. My friend was feeling so guilty bc her 11 year old daughter was mad my friend had to work some over Christmas vacation instead of having fun outings every day. The mom has to work, they need the money. I think someday her daughter will understand that and then in no way will it have hurt her. If a kid grows up feeling frustrated their parent is at work and as they become a teenager see that they don't really need the money and the mom works just to get away (or just is absent etc), then that has a long term negative impact. Otherwise, if you love them and they know it and you put them first, I think there are very few rights and wrongs with all these little things. Work is just an example by the way of things people feel guilty about.

Sweet girl, I've been having this struggle and way more of it for 24 years. Imagine not only being a mother with a brain, able to choose for ourselves, then being a daycare provider on top of it! If I do something someone doesn't agree with, they are free to choose another provider and I'm very OPEN about my ideas and procedures upfront. BUT, people aren't happy with that. They will bad talk a provider all over town if they disagree with anything. If that isn't bad enough, with the internet world we live in now, it's easy bad mouth a provider and lie about them all over the internet.

Phew....that said, you sound like a wonderful, thoughtful, caring mother. Stand up straight and STOP explaining unless the question is posed in a curious only way. You deserve to feel okay about everything you are doing.

I think at some point we have all felt the need to defend our parenting skills it is just a part of being a parent. We eat on a different schedule than the rest of the world dinner can be as late as 8pm sometimes Trust me kids eat when they are hungry sleep when they are tired they cant die from missing a bath, brushing your teeth is mandatory. You are a great mom your daughter gets what she needs from you dont worry about the rest.

I think first time parents battle this a little bit depending on the support they get from family, the experience they have with kids in general, their knowledge/exposure re. other moms/kids, etc. Other people always think they know best, and sometimes the older generation also gets into that groove. Smart people keep their opinions to themselves. Sometimes people are just curious, sometimes they can't help themselves and the words jump out before they realize it (which can be kinda funny :)

You are doing your best. You'll feel better about it every day. Just stick to your guns and find a place where you feel supported (internally and externally).

And the ear piercing thing must be cultural. It never occurred to me to pierce a baby's ears - I'd rather it were a "coming of age" thing or a tween surprise for a daughter :)

Yes. I've felt barraded by peoples comments and felt anxiety. Guilt? Never. What's right for one person may not necessarily be right for another. My daughter has always been one that needed the 'attachment parenting' style. My son? TOTAL opposite. He's better with the 'traditional parenting' style.

Every kid is different and every parent is different. If you're a mom that goes with your gut and lets your little one give you clues... That's perfect. You know her and you know how you'd feel if you were her.

Are you doing your best? If yes,
Nope no guilt and no regrets ever..

You are the mom, you are making the best decisions from your heart and brain.. that is YOUR very best.

No explanations are ever needed..

I feel you. I'm a single mom and sometimes there's not enough time in the day. My daughter can't stand naps so some days she absolutely refuses naps... I think someone attacking your skills gets under the skin a bit because your doing the best you can, maybe not the best you want but best ya can. When my brother said something about my mom watching my daughter while I was at a movie (1st time out in a month mind you) I flipped out on him a bit. I wouldn't feel very guilty if someone doesn't like what I did.. my dad has said sometimes I need to chill and just let her have chocolate (at 730pm lol) I just let it roll off my shoulders. But I'd probably have some sarcastic remark if someone got under my skin since I am pretty sarcastic. I don't normally have people like that around me (lack of better words), not that there's anything wrong with that, I just mean that my family is laid back a lot. She sleeps next to you in a play yard? good idea. My daughter sleeps in my bed, with her own room now basically a play room... at least the cat likes to sleep on her bed haha.

and wow, despite your parenting? I would've thrown something lol. I'd have said maybe it's really despite your harsh judgments on my awesome parenting. There's an old saying that says the most ignorant of people are usually the first to open their mouths to speak. Sounds like people who criticize tantrum kids in stores when they have no kids of their own. Don't worry about those haters.. what your doing produced an awesome child, maybe they down you to make themselves feel better or are scared to try your techniques if they're more modern.

J., I'm late to this thread and haven't read the other responses yet, but I would like to ask you if you depend on your family members? Do you have to see them? Or is it a habit that you see them?

The reason that I ask is that they seem very comfortable being TOO familiar with you. That may sound strange to say, since you are family. But truly, there are supposed to be boundaries even between family members, and there don't appear to be any. The tone they take with you, the things they say, and indeed, your willingness to answer their incessant questions that you KNOW will add up to them treating you like this are all part of lack of boundaries. For them, and for you.

Here's the thing. You may end up using your parenting techniques as excuses to "irritate" your family members, without even knowing it. You know they don't like "x" so you do it, of course, citing in your mind other reasons instead. You can have 100 reasons for what you do with your child, but if the real reason you parent the way you do ends up getting back at them because they won't get off your back, it ends up being a disservice to you and your child. Not to your family.

You may get wide-eyed and offended at what I say here. I really hope not. I hope that perhaps you will think, "Hmm, I don't believe that for a moment, but it's a possibility that it could happen and maybe I wouldn't even know it." You wouldn't be the first to cut off your nose to spite your face. I HATE trying to play Bridge, but my husband likes playing Bridge. Years ago, my FIL was bound and determined to teach me. I had little kids running all over the place, he kept hammering me about why I played a hand the way I did (my FIL made me partner with him) and I couldn't stand it. The last straw was when he remarked that in order to be a good wife to my husband, I needed to learn to play Bridge. That's the last time I played.

Did I cut off my nose to spite my face? Not really. I cut off my husband's nose, actually. My FIL didn't get what he wanted - my cooperation to end up having lots of bridge with my husband (you have to have enough people to play). But I felt like I was getting back at my FIL because I was so ANGRY at him for having that attitude. (And upset that I just couldn't understand Bridge. Maybe he wasn't a good teacher, or maybe I'm stupid where Bridge is concerned.) The thing is, I was so bent on my own opinion that I wouldn't try anymore because of my FIL.

And I had plenty of anxiety over this, J.. Fighting for personal control when family wants control over you (and that IS what is happening with you) is very stressful.

If you cannot let go of the stress and ignore them, try pulling away and telling them why. When you don't show up for two Saturdays, and they ask why you haven't come, tell them you're tired of their judgmental remarks and if they keep it up, they'll see a lot less of you and the baby. When they act like they have no clue what you are talking about, give specific examples. In fact, keep your post beside the phone, and read them out. By the time you finish the list, they'll be so shocked, they'll get the point. After a while, they'll respect you more, you'll end up getting to spend more time with them, and they'll leave you alone. But not until you demand it by putting a real consequence on their behavior.

Maybe after all this improves, you might start thinking about some of the things other people tell you that they do with their children, and you might start considering why THEY do things differently than you. How could it help them? In fact, how could changes help you? You have planning ahead to do in your life. This includes being able to effectively change how you and your child live in your home when the need arises. School, church, play dates, everything. Some things you can ignore, like the church thing. Some things you can't, like school. Sometimes ignoring things, like not going to church because of some old lady, hurts only you. Part of dealing with life is getting over that stuff and letting yourself do what you enjoy despite the people who get on your nerves. Otherwise, you'll end up being so very unhappy.

I hope what I say here makes sense. I'm not trying to be critical of your parenting style. I do think that you really need to establish boundaries with your family and let that teach you to start thinking more clearly, rather than fighting them with decisions you make.

All my best to you,
Dawn

Wow you have lot of answers I haven't read yet and I'm coming in late but wanted to say.... you sound alot like me! I have 3 kids my oldest is 7 and when she was born I tried to do everything by the book!! You learn, as you said that you try your best and God knows. It is a shame that people are so critical. I have a very opinionated friend who has made remarks of how I do things. Just because it's not how she did it, doesn't make me wrong. I took my 2 yr old and 5 yr old to playland Mcds the other day. 2yr old throws enormous fit when it was time to go.. want to talk about anxiety! I had a crying spell break down when we got to the car. but you know what... it's ok if they see your imperfect moments occasionally. I never had a schedule either and my 1st slept till 11 (the other two no way! They weren't sleepers!) and some people just thought that was crazy, but I know I'm a good mom and try my hardest to raise them with manors and good morals. So as hard as it is and I need to take my own advice as well "don't worry what other people say or think" As long as you know you're doing your best.