I don't know if this is a real problem or not, but I was hoping for some of the great feedback all of you supermoms provide! My daughter is 18 months old, and has always been very affectionate with other babies and kids. She started by patting and rubbing their heads, but now it's full hugs +/- kisses, and she's strong, so the other kids have to really work to get out of her grip! She doesn't hurt them, but not all kids are receptive to her "aggressive affection", as I call it. I want to let her show her affection to other kids (sometimes it's the first time she meets them too!) but don't really know how to make her understand that not everyone wants a big hug or kiss all the time. I hate telling her "no hugs", but I feel the need to save the kids from her! I know kids go through their phases....will this fade away, and/or do I just let the kids work it out themselves, and how much/what do I say to her? And how do you other mom's feel about someone else's kid-who you may or may not know-hugging your child?
Thank you so much for any info!
Thank you mommies for all of your advice! It's good to know I'm not alone with this issue. All those tips are great and I'll put them to good use, and hopefully there will be less "victims" of her affection!
Try practicing with her and teach her an appropriate greeting. When you get to the park where you will meet a new child, first tell her lets go say hi to this little girl, and shake her hand... or whatever... she just needs some physical way to say hi.
Hi S.,
It's very normal for kids that age to give lots of hugs and even kisses. If you don't know the person she wants to hug, I would distract her before it happens so that you don't have to tell her 'no hugs'. Or maybe tell her 'Mommy would love a hug'. :)
I try to teach my 27 month old son empathy as well as affection. One technique I use is when he does something that might be hurting another, I say "Oh poor ______, I think that hurts him/her", or "Be gentle, people are very delicate", or even "Ouch! _____ doesn't like it when you _______ like that. Try it like this. (And when they do it right) Good job!" This is great to use with dolls because then he gets the message often and more frequently in a safer, less stressful setting. In my opinion, it is better to have them be more considerate of others' feelings and a little less outwardly affectionate, than super-affectionate but clueless as to what the other is experiencing. The first skill will fare them better in life socially, and make them happier and more well-liked in the long run.
Personally, I am happy with other kids hugging my child as long as it is not forceful, hurtful, or clearly unwanted by my son (and also as long as they are not currently carrying the latest plague!) :-) But affection among other kids and my son is generally a very positive thing for me to see, especially when it is mutual.
And one last thing -- maybe try giving her tons of gentle, loving hugs (overloading her even!) and kisses, and see if her obsession with them with others doesn't taper off a little? That might be something worth trying...
Maybe you could teach her how to give gentle hugs? You could practice with you, her toys, any pets, anybody that wouldn't mind if she's still a big tight with her squeezes! :) We have a playmate that "kisses" by leaning on my daughter's back and sometimes knocks her over doing it. They work it out and the other mom and I just get out of the way.
S.,
Are you talking about your daughter or mine? When my niece was born two months ago we went to visit them in the hospital. It took me, my hubby and my BIL to pry my daughter's arms open to get her new cousin out of her arms. My daughter is **So Very** loving towards anyone that is her size or smaller. Like your daughter she is super gentle, but strong and has fallen over, sometimes on top of, when she's hugging.
What I do is follow her around and if I see a little one that she's going for I'll stay close and just tell the Mom that my daughter wants to give hugs, is that ok? Usually the mom is fine with it. When the child shows signs of not wanting the strange attentions from a new "baby" then I tell my daughter that s/he doesn't want hugs right now, can you blow them a kiss instead? That usually works, but if it doesn't I try to distract and redirect my daughter. This usually happens at the indoor play area at our local mall.
Hope this helps,
Melissa
Oh, and I would be thrilled to have my daughter get the tables turned on her now and then. =)
Hi S.,
What a great mom you are taking everyone's needs into consideration :) It sounds like you have a precious bundle full of compassion and joy!
I bet she grows up to be a caring and affectionate child :)
My advice, let her hug :) It may be part of her personality... I am very prone to thinking it is the best in our child or "God" in her. That may be too deep, but the goodness in us always comes from God. :) She may be hugging others because she likes to get hugs...I would say try not to worry and let her be a sweet baby girl that loves to hug!!!!
Many Blessings,
K.S.
Both of my kids like to give hugs to everyone (not just kids, adults, too) also!!!! At first it didn't seem to be a big deal. But as you see, not everyone likes hugs. As well, my kids would just run up and give hugs catching people off gaurd sometimes almost knocking them over. My kids are a little older - 2 and 4 - so I explained to them what was happening and told them to ask the person first if they would like a hug. I also practiced gentle hugs with them. As I said my kids are a little older but it is definitely worth a try.
What a super question, S.- no you surely don't want to tell her '' no hugs'' - but you could teach her '''gentle hugs''' - and sometime when she seems really focused on her playing- give HER a big hug - and when wriggles to get down- or go back to her play- say with a happy, surprised voice- ''' oh, you don't want a BIG hug- you want a gentle one'' - and then give her a swift, soft hug that allows her to keep playing and say - really delighted ''' you liked a gentle hug''. Also ( I can hear you saying '''well, duh''' lolol--) discuss w/ your care givers - and treasure your darling-
which it's clear you do-
Blessings,
Old Mom
aka- J.
Not to be alarmist, but if she frequently uses more force than needed, I have read that is a sign of sensory processing disorders. But from the others' responses I'd say this sounds like a common kid thing!
tell her "gentle" when she's hugging or kissing on another child. Hold her hand and help her be gentle as you tell her "gentle". She will come to understand what you mean when you say that word to her. Use a very gentle calm voice, and then help her do what you are asking. Also do this when she's petting an animal, so that she gains a concept of what gentle is. Also do this when she's hugging you or another adult. She will learn, just give it time.
This happens in my daycare/preschool too, and I tell the little ones, "Gentle touches... gentle hugs." They begin to understand what that means. I also model this for them. :)
I use to call it "drive by hugging". It was my 17 year old, and yes he still hugz me for no reason.
The little girls in church use to run the other way when they saw him coming their way. Then one day I realized why, when he ran up and hugged a little girl with such force he knocked her over.
David would go up to total strangers in the store and hug them. I remember one old man that looked like he had just been slimed. When I would ask him why he would say "because they needed it."
As they get older they learn. Your little one is still young, and does not quite understand. She likes getting hugs so everyone else must like it to.
Maybe show her how to glow kisses and throw hugs.
David has turned out just fine, for a 17 year old... LOL
HUgZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ
B.
I think it is wonderful that she is such an affectionate little girl, but I know that when they get into kindergarten,, they will tell them not to touch anyone else unless they have permission. It is learning about respecting ones space. Right now she may not understand that, but you can start teaching her that she needs to ask first.
Enjoy it while it lasts. she may soon be hitting!!
My daughter has a friend like that. She'll hug her tight around her neck until my daughter starts getting upset.
We just have the same conversation over and over again, just like any other lesson with kids that age. I'm not concerned because her daughter isn't trying to hurt her friend - it isn't to be mean - she just really likes my kid and wants her to know how much.
She'll learn her own strength. Good luck!
Teach her how to give soft hugs by hugging you softly. First you hug her, then she hugs you.
My son was the SAME way at that age and I had a lot of the same mixed feelings about how to respond to it. He has always been physically bigger that his friends also so he would do the "hard hug" then the combo move "take down" which was like a straight down dead mans drop- needless to say it was not too popular with friends or their Mom's. He would go for someone at the park and the Mom would be like, "How Cute'! Then bam- they were both on the ground. I was proactive- watching for my son to strike, then I would try to be involved in making sure the hug didn't get out of control- constantly saying "gentle hugs" as others have suggested. I would also channel his desire to give a hug to the other parent or my self if the other child really didn't want to be touched. My son is 26 months now and he still does like to give hugs but they are usually much more gentle now and I really don't have to be on guard as much. Good luck- she will move past this;).
My daughter is 20 months old. And she is a hugger and a kisser. It use to upset me.. because she would give hugs and kisses to her friends when she left daycare and they would push her away or not hug her back. I feel you cannont have enough love in this world. Let the kids figure it out. Sometimes I think we as parents think more into a situation then necasary. You don't want to tell her "no hugs" because when you are with lets say grandma and grandpa or something and she says "no hugs" to them or you it could hurt feelings.
As for other parents and there kids. I think it is so cute when other kids come up to Kyli and kiss and hug her. It makes me feel good that she is liked or loved by other kids.
I say let it go... she will soon get tired of it and you will wish you had that affection back. Smile and be glad that you have a loving and happy child. I have seen some that I swear don't know how to hug or kiss.. and that is sad.
Good Luck and take care =)
Cori
